Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Not letting grandparents see ill child.

98 replies

MultipleMama · 24/04/2014 14:31

I'd like some prospective on this and whether or not I'm being unreasonable.

DS (20w adj) is pretty ill in ICU with Encephalitis caused by measles and so far only DH & I have visited per our request. My PiL for the first week offered to look after our other DC, which I am so grateful for.

Now, they're asking if they can come and see him, and I've been making every excuse possible of why they can't and I think they're starting to catch on. Our relationship has only just got back on track after some strain between DH & his parents. They feel I'm pushing them out again.

I just... I just don't want them to visit, I don't want anyone to visit. I don't want the sympathy, the pity looks, the tears (I'm barely holding it together myself), I don't want their bullshits beliefs (Catholic & traditional) God is not going to help him. I'm angry and emotional and I feel like I may snap at them. Plus we've been holding back how ill he really is.

I don't want to lie anymore but I cannot deal with another fall out by being honest. I haven't the energy for it. DH is still on rocky ground with his parents and wants to avoid conflict. We're stuck.

Am I being selfish? Unreasonable? If you were a parent/grandparent how would you deal/feel? I need advice, please.

OP posts:

aprilanne · 25/04/2014 08:26

ladies i think SADWIDOW28 is just being honest .and slating her for her opinion is just not nice .i have been in this position and .we stayed at hospital .so when my hubbys parents came to visit .i just left got showered just had maybe 20 mins to myself .so he dealt with them i mean i could,nt .i think the point sadwidow28 is trying to make is .if the worst should happen how would the grandparents feel being denied just a couple of minutes .my heart and prayers go out to everyone at this time

Sallystyle · 25/04/2014 09:44

I am just saying what I would do, or at least think I would do in this situation. There is no right or wrong. The OP obviously doesn't want them to visit and that is her choice, hers and her husbands and that needs to be respected, obviously.

I just don't see why people who have the opposite point of view are being giving a bit of a hard time? we all work differently and I believe I would allow a visit for five minutes. I haven't been in this situation so of course it could all change if I ever was.

OP has made her mind up, she can't deal with a visit from them and she needs to look after her son and herself first so I am not going to tell her what is right or wrong for her but she did ask for opinions and it is ok for others to state what they think they would do and everyone who has disagreed with the OP has done so respectfully and gently.

I concur that the OP needs to do what she needs to do to get through this awful time. My thoughts are with you and your son again this morning OP and I am glad you made the decision that is right for you

Original poster

MultipleMama · 25/04/2014 10:55

Thank for your replies. I do not reply to all but I am taking in everyone's opinion. I did ask for them and thank you for being honest enough to tell me; I consulted friends via text etc and they just tried not to upset me.

After sleeping on it and talking to DH about it all. We realise we are being unfair especially on the truth aspect of it all, so we're going to tell them what we know, we are also going to tell my dad (we didn't tell him because I know he'd drop everything and fly over). We are still going to hold off visiting at least until he's off ICU and visiting is much less of a fuss for us and the ward. At the minute it's either me or DH at the hospital because he works 6-3 and I switch between looking after the DS and DS' twin who needs me at home along with other DC. We have no time for them to visit.

OP posts:

cjelh · 25/04/2014 14:20

Glad you've made your decision together. I think it probably is a good idea to let them know the true situation,
Still thinking of you and wishing you the best outcome

TeWiSavesTheDay · 25/04/2014 14:33

That sounds sensible to me. If your BIL is supportive perhaps he could help your DH to speak to your ILs?

I hope very much that your DS's health improves soon.

sadwidow28 · 25/04/2014 19:58

An excellent, calm and sensible decision MM. I am so glad you asked for others' opinions - both RL and on MN.

I hold your baby in my prayers - hoping for the very best outcome.

getthefeckouttahere · 25/04/2014 19:59

Wow poor you,

but i think you are making a big mistake here and probably not for any reason connected with yr son. There is no medical reason why they shouldn't visit, the hospital will even accommodate extra visits for a short period, so you are not having to give up time with him.

You may not like their religious views (i'm not keen either) but would a tiny bit of tolerance go amiss?

These aren't random strangers they are your sons grandparents. Please reconsider.

sadwidow28 · 25/04/2014 20:14

*sad when your child is so sick like this, and as his age is adjusted, that leads me to believe this child was born early and has been sick, you are running on fumes. Complete and utter exhaustion like you would not believe. I'm actually stunned at how long a human being can go like this, but have done it myself.

You cannot spend the night with your child in ICU except in a hard chair. So if you have a partner, you rotate out. And you are so far beyond exhaustion it is, again, stunning.*

Tell me about it! At least when we lost our babies, I had DH to lean on.

When it was his turn to die, I cat-napped for 2 hours a day because I was changing oxygen cylinders and turning him every 2 hours (24/7 care).

But that man who had been my rock through the loss of our babies was finally leaving me (through no fault of his own). I allowed family and friends 'IN' because it was right for them. I excluded my own mother from the death of our still born children. IMO (now) I was wrong to do that. I learned how to allow others to be a part a tragic situation.

My Mother, my SIL and DH's children turned out to be great supports when I lost DH. I am glad I learned the lesson that grief and fear should be shared. It makes it more bearable IMO.

sadwidow28 · 25/04/2014 20:15

bold fail in previous post

TitchyCooPark · 25/04/2014 20:21

OP, I have only just seen this thread. I cannot add any more words of wisdom than you have already been offered. I justed to say your entire family are in my thoughts and I sending you huge, huge emotional waves of support.

TCP x

ExCinnamon · 25/04/2014 20:37

MM, I think you, and only you can decide what you can cope with.

If their comments, views and pity will push you over the edge, keep them away. If they are no help but a further burden, keep saying no.

If they really love their gc, they will understand.

Sending lots of strength your way.

expatinscotland · 25/04/2014 20:41

' I am glad I learned the lesson that grief and fear should be shared. It makes it more bearable IMO.'

It's an opinion.

Original poster

MultipleMama · 25/04/2014 20:43

getthefeckouttahere The hospital does not accommodate extra visits. We can stay as long as we want, but extra visitors can only visit at certain times and only with a parent of the child present. Maybe I am or maybe I'm not, making a mistake but right now, right this minute, no visiting.

sadwidow Right now, I don't want to share any minutes with him other than DH and that sounds horrible, but it's what's getting us through as a couple. We're not saying never, just not right now. My BiL has also become a surprisingly good shoulder to cry on.

We talked to them today, and they were, as expected, upset for misleading them and for not telling the whole truth. FiL was more understanding and grudgingly accepted our decision. MiL was more harder to convince and started ranting but when we asked if she could be help us out at home with DC etc, she jumped at the chance (MiL loves the chance of being in charge and in control and is most happy mothering and planning stuff), and made us promise that when we could, they'd be the first ones to visit. We willingly agreed. My dad is also flying over...

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 25/04/2014 20:46

No, they cannot and will not accommodate extra visits except in the case where the writing is on the wall and that child will not survive.

ICU is not like a normal ward.

getthefeckouttahere · 25/04/2014 20:50

i didn't make myself clear,

they will accommodate extra visitors

Original poster

MultipleMama · 25/04/2014 21:02

Ah, thank you for clarifying :) I know they will accommodate extra visitors but that doesn't mean I should.

OP posts:

rumbleinthrjungle · 25/04/2014 21:07

I'm glad you were able to get them to accept your decision OP. So very sorry to hear you're going through such an awful time

Cupid5tunt · 25/04/2014 21:32

I am so sorry you are going through this and hope you DS get's better soon.

I am not going to comment on whether you should or shouldn't allow them to visit. I have never been and hope never to be in your position and therefore I know what I think I would do but not what the reality would be. At the moment you have to just go with your gut I think.

Take care

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 25/04/2014 21:51

I am so sorry you're going through this and hope that the outcome is positive x

Ds was in icu when he was 4 weeks. My dad had a tummy bug and obviously couldn't visit. He was distraught (he's a big, tough northern ex miner -I've never seen him upset other than when ds was ill)

As soon as he was well and clear of the bug he came to see ds. I stood outside the room pretending to make a phone call so that dad could have a few minutes with ds as I knew he'd want to tell him he loved him etc but would never say that with us there.

It's hard giving up precious time with ill children but I really do think they should be allowed a short, non touching visit.

My mum isn't religious but prayed to every god she could think of over those few weeks - we rib her about it now but she said she'd have begged the devil if she'd thought it would help!

Original poster

MultipleMama · 25/04/2014 22:02

I don't mind them praying, that's their belief but I don't want to be around it, I don't want to hear it. But I think I'll take any prayers and thoughts I can get right now though...

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 25/04/2014 22:02

As a grandmother, my first thought on reading your post (after fervently wishing for your DS's recovery) was that I would be devastated if I wasn't allowed to visit.

But after reading your posts and the ones by others who have also sadly been in your position, the answer is that you must do what is best for you.

Yes I'd be devastated, but I also hope that I'd understand and just be there to do whatever it was that you needed. And if that is to give you space, then that is what should be done.

RunLikeSomeFeckersChasing · 25/04/2014 22:20

MM, there are times when you can step outside social norms and retreat to whatever you need to do. You have a very sick little one (I don't pray, I don't believe but in the morning I will light a candle for him, it's what I do when I need to mark my own darling lost ones), you do what you need to. I think being able to be honest about how ill he is is extremely positive for you.

cjelh · 26/04/2014 08:46

pleased you have sorted it all out, now you can concentrate on the three of you. Also glad that your dad is coming, you will hopefully have another good shoulder to help you.xx

Flip

1 2 3 4