Not letting grandparents see ill child.

[MultipleMama]

I'd like some prospective on this and whether or not I'm being unreasonable.

DS (20w adj) is pretty ill in ICU with Encephalitis caused by measles and so far only DH & I have visited per our request. My PiL for the first week offered to look after our other DC, which I am so grateful for.

Now, they're asking if they can come and see him, and I've been making every excuse possible of why they can't and I think they're starting to catch on. Our relationship has only just got back on track after some strain between DH & his parents. They feel I'm pushing them out again.

I just... I just don't want them to visit, I don't want anyone to visit. I don't want the sympathy, the pity looks, the tears (I'm barely holding it together myself), I don't want their bullshits beliefs (Catholic & traditional) God is not going to help him. I'm angry and emotional and I feel like I may snap at them. Plus we've been holding back how ill he really is.

I don't want to lie anymore but I cannot deal with another fall out by being honest. I haven't the energy for it. DH is still on rocky ground with his parents and wants to avoid conflict. We're stuck.

Am I being selfish? Unreasonable? If you were a parent/grandparent how would you deal/feel? I need advice, please.

Well wishes to your dc OP

I think not letting them go is harsh. This isn't about you or dh it's about them wanting to visit their poorly GC. Ordinarily I would say your choice but since you said you would let your own brother or whatever visit this just tells me you are making it about something else. No the wonder you have problems with them.

As a grandparent, I can't imagine not being allowed to see any of my gc.
I think you're probably doing more harm than good in the long run and I think you need to let them see your son.
You can speak to the staff and let them stipulate and rules etc.
I sincerely hope your little boy makes a full recovery x x

Quitelikely I think you are being harsh. This child isn't 'poorly' he's in ICU! Right now he is in a critical state and his parents are hanging on by a thread. They need people around them they can trust with their emotional well being. If the inlaws have not been supportive in the past then now is not the time to put an already strained relationship to the test. They may be his grandparents but mum and dad come first in this situation. Trying to play happy families might irrevocably break an already strained relationship. If the inlaws want to help and build bridges then looking after the other kids is a perfect selfless opportunity to make it about the well being of the family not just their own wants and desires. Once the little lad is on the mend, then they can visit. But for now it should just be about the three of them.

As others have said I don't think it's possible for you to be unreasonable in this situation, you must do what is right for you and your husband just to get through it. If they are decent people they will understand and not make it about them.

Thinking of you and your family at this very difficult time.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this dreadful time OP.

But I do think it would be perfectly reasonable to allow the grand-parents to see your LO.

My DH was estranged from his children when he became terminally ill. We had always talked openly about what we should each do with family if this ever happened (I was 'careful contact' with my family).

But, when DH was diagnosed with a few weeks to live, I knew that our decision wasn't correct. His children, his sister, my mother had the right to be told and to visit him.

I set the ground rules though.

• time and date to visit
• length of visit
• no crying around his bed
• no 'getting guilt off their chests'

I have to say that my DH's final weeks were full of joy and support. He held a new grandchild in his arms and his eyes lit up.

I facilitated these visits but I did NOT engage in them. The youngest child came to the hospital and I welcomed her, chatted a little bit and then went to the hospital cafe to have a cup of tea.

Can you allow a ten minute visit? I think it would help you in the long-run when you are grieving.

So sorry about your little one I can't begin to imagine what you are going through

If I were you I'd let them visit but be very strict about it ten mins max then I'd get a kindly member of the nursing staff to turf them out after 10 mins explain the situation to the staff member and let them support you in the short visit

Sad widow, i am very sorry for your loss, your post is very moving and you sound like a lovely person who did the best in a very difficult situation. But, I do think the OPs situation is very different.

Firstly, hopefully (i think everyone is rooting for the little fella) her son will make a full recovery and she won't need to grieve, at which point the GPs will resume normal contact. So it isn't a 'now or never situation' at the moment.

Secondly, you and your partner felt it was the right thing to do to resume contact as your DP was terminally ill. The OP and her DH do not think that having the in laws around at the moment is right based on past issues. The OP is clearly fraught and dealing with long standing tensions is not the right thing at the moment.

I do hugely agree with you that if they do decide to allow the GPs in then ground rules, such as you have stated are really key. The question is can she trust them to respect those boundaries and stick to them or to steam roller over her and her DPs feelings, making the whole situation worse.

Op our dd was in nicu at birth due to brain damage - we didn't let anyone visit.

I just couldn't. I didn't want to have any pitying looks and I was barely functioning. I didn't want to explain the realities of why she was there and to make small talk.

I hope your son makes a swift and complete recovery x

DS is ventilated and sedated, so them visiting isn't going to stress him but it's there reactions and what they'll say that makes me hesitate about wanting them to visit. The situation is critial but anybody else showing emotional makes the situation real and I selfishly want to avoid that for as long as possible.

We haven't been entirely honest with them about his condition which DH has agreed needs to change so I think we're gunna visit them and give them the truth (which will probably upset them) and leave visiting for another time, at least until we know his next scan results...

They can be overbearing but I feel awful for excluding them seeing as they didn't visit when he was in NICU either.

Boomerang thank you for your considered and thoughtful reply.

I am also rooting for the little fella! I am offering rosaries for his well-being now and forever.

My post was to suggest to the OP that some of the least likely supporters are actually waiting in the wings.

I DO think the GPs have a right to visit - but I relate to the OP because I was very controlling when my DH had his first (erroneous) diagnosis. Only I could visit him in hospital etc.

When I let down my own barriers my mother turned up with an apple pie (DH's favourite) having been shuttled down the country between sisters and brothers. She did my ironing for 5 days.... a total godsend!

His sister brought me Sloe Gin (which I couldn't drink because I was on a 24/7 watch) and then went to the local town and bought the food essentials. Another Godsend!

Sometimes, the fear is so much that a heart is hardened and doesn't allow support to enter through the door.

I can totally understand your feelings but you need to let them see their grandchild x

What kentishgirl said. I have 3 grandsons whom I love dearly; I would be distraught if one of them were so ill as to be in ICU and I could not see him.

So very sorry. More hugs.

When my niece was in NICU and the SCBU the hospital had a fairly strict rule of two visitors per baby. It was very clear to me that each minute I had with her was a minute one of her parents missed out on.

If you don't feel that they will be helpful, supportive, or understand that, fuck them. You are going through an unimaginably tough time and you are allowed to be selfish.

My niece defied all the odds and is a wonderful little girl now. I am wishing you and your little boy all the strength in the world.

Is there a parent-support person within the ICU staff who could help supervise the visit? I don't imagine you're the first parent to be in this position and they might have some ideas/your husband's parents might behave better if there's another person there.

Could the hospital chaplincy service support them? Their distress is real [not more important than yours and they shouldn't be seeking support from you, but still real] - short visit and then the priest/vicar collects them and takes them away to the chapel or equivalent.

Other than that, would it work for you to show them some photographs of your son as he is at the moment? Would skype work/be allowed?

I don't know how else you convey to them "this isn't about you" and "we can't support you right now, we're the ones in need of support". You might also try "look, his sibling hasn't seen him yet. It wouldn't be fair on $sibling for you to get to see him when they can't."

My child was in ICU and in a side room due to infection risk. Can you use this as an excuse?

' I would be distraught if one of them were so ill as to be in ICU and I could not see him.'

Some hospital policies actually don't allow other than parents and/or named carers unless the child is dying.

My mum told me that the thing that most shocked her about becoming a grandparent was the fact that she loved her grandchildren as much as she loved her children. She wasn't expecting that at all but its pretty common amongst grandparents I think.

I know how much it would hurt me if my dc, or anyone I loved in the same way as them, was sick and I was forbidden from seeing them .

I am very sorry your lo is so ill but if you could manage to let them have a 10 min visit then I think it would be the right thing to do. In any case, I hope he recovers soon.

I don't it could take pictures of my ill child to satisfy their need to see him. I can barely look a photos from his NICU days. It's not appropriate IMO.

I don't think I want them visiting until he's out of ICU. So, we're going to hold off as long as needed but the chapel is a good idea for them.

He's in a side room too, so we've used that excuse too. I may enlist the help of my BiL to help hold them off for awhile but he's dealing with his own problems so I'm hesitant.

I think at this time you do whatever you need to get you through and if them visiting ds makes this harder for you then they don't visit,

I can see that it seems harsh but your and your dhs needs trump all else right now.

And I agree re infection etc that is the excuse I use.

mama I hope your little one pulls through, o have read your posts on the multiples threads,just a lurker ad I don't have multiples. Xxx thinking of you and sending love and strength xx

And I will say in this situation the only people I would want around would be someone who I knew I could rely on for support, I absolutely would not want to be around someone with whom I had a strained relationship, fgs that would be awful and added stress, of course you don't need that.

It is very stressful to have a child in ICU. I would forbid photos, however . I don't think that's very appropriate.

OP - from reading your posts it seems they don't know exactly how ill he is and may therefore be thinking they can visit because he's much better. Perhaps if you explain to them exactly what the situation is and how you are feeling about it, they may be much more understanding than you think.

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. From your posts, I'm not sure that you would be keen on prayers, so I will just hold your DS in my thoughts.

Been thinking bout this a bit more....
If they are loving grand parents (even if slightly difficult ILs), then they will want to do the thing that is best for your DS.

If the best thing for your DS right now is minimum disturbance, infection risk, noise etc, then that means no visitors. I honestly don't think an ill baby is going to benefit from having the GPs in the room. Their parents might if it supportive, but if not, then, well, that answers it for me.

Very big hugs and very much hoping he gets better soon.

Exactly twelve at this point in time mama does not need any extra stress or upset, that trumps all imo.

Thankfully not many people realise how incredibly fraught having a child in ICU is.

You do not sleep. If your child is not in a side room, you must leave your child, overnight. If so, then it means one parent sits, all night, in a hard chair next to the child.

You are running on fumes.

It is not a time to take on additional stress.

I was initially feeling sad for the Grandparents, but reading your replies, they/you seem to be focused on their emotional wellbeing. You need to stay strong so you are able to parent all your children as best you can right now.

If they have realised that you are uncomfortable with visits, why are they wasting your emotional energy pushing you to do something you don't want to. You should not need to be worrying about the grandparents feelings right now. That in itself says everything. Tell them to back off and wait for your invitation.