Not letting grandparents see ill child.

[MultipleMama]

I'd like some prospective on this and whether or not I'm being unreasonable.

DS (20w adj) is pretty ill in ICU with Encephalitis caused by measles and so far only DH & I have visited per our request. My PiL for the first week offered to look after our other DC, which I am so grateful for.

Now, they're asking if they can come and see him, and I've been making every excuse possible of why they can't and I think they're starting to catch on. Our relationship has only just got back on track after some strain between DH & his parents. They feel I'm pushing them out again.

I just... I just don't want them to visit, I don't want anyone to visit. I don't want the sympathy, the pity looks, the tears (I'm barely holding it together myself), I don't want their bullshits beliefs (Catholic & traditional) God is not going to help him. I'm angry and emotional and I feel like I may snap at them. Plus we've been holding back how ill he really is.

I don't want to lie anymore but I cannot deal with another fall out by being honest. I haven't the energy for it. DH is still on rocky ground with his parents and wants to avoid conflict. We're stuck.

Am I being selfish? Unreasonable? If you were a parent/grandparent how would you deal/feel? I need advice, please.

'Yes they have been helpful on the periphery at home but that's what families do. They need to stay helpful and if that means taking the strain at home and not coming to hospital putting their issues on to you, that's what needs to keep on happening.'

This! 100%. This is not about them it is about your child and his well-being. Do enlist the staff if you need to, they deal with situations like this very often and know how to handle it diplomatically without further stressing you.

Best of luck and well wishes to your son and you all.

I am so sorry to hear about your little one, how worrying and awful for you all :(

I do think you should let them visit at least once for just a few minutes, my children's G parents would be devastated if I did not allow them a quick visit. It doesn't have to be long, but I would let them.

Much love to you I hope you will keep us updated on your son when you can and I will be thinking of him and you x

'He's in a side room too, so we've used that excuse too. I may enlist the help of my BiL to help hold them off for awhile but he's dealing with his own problems so I'm hesitant.'

Do it. Enlist all the help you can, MM. This is a hard time, you are running on adrenaline and you both need and deserve all the help you can get to do what is best for YOU and your son.

It's not as simple as that when a child is in a side room, Samu. There is a vestibule where infection control procedures are in place before visitors can enter (hand washing, gowning up, shoes off/slippers on, etc). At least one nurse and possibly two are present in the room 24/7, in addition to other staff, doctors and students and cleaners, need to come and go often. There is usually only one chair.

It is very noisy, the lights are on all the time and there are a lot of tubes and wires and machines and trolleys.

hope you have felt better about not having visitors. It sounds a good idea to open up and tell them of his true health, I hope that their faith doesn't get on your nerves, as a person of faith myself I can tell you that the offer of prayer is one of the greatest things we feel we can do and however ill someone is that we believe God is looking after them.
They may not understand how hard it is to take all that on when your poor ds is suffering so much. How can a loving God they talk of allow this to happen? They will really be thinking that they are being supportive by saying the weird things to you. They are being insensitive but will probably honestly think it will help you.

Do what you think is right for you and I hope for a recovery for your dsx

i am so sorry .my middle son had septicimia and meningitis at 7 months so i understand your fear.but if you cannot face your inlaws visiting then fine .when my own son was ill .i went to parents room for a shower so my hubby dealt with his parents just 10 mins is ok .they will be worried this is there sons child .and as for there religious leanings .please take all the prayer you can get .you are correct god won,t save your baby .but neither will he harm him .when my boy was clinging on i would have let people pray to a cat god .from one mother to another i hope all goes well with your little one .

expatinscotland, exactly. It's overwhelming for us nevermind visitors. Ds' room has dimmed lights and the blinds, constant machines beeping, he's checked by the nurse every 30 minutes, the doctors every hour, and then those who come in to change sheets etc, I see so many strangers on a daily basis, one plastic chair and one sleep cot. And we have to gown up. Once you step into the hall it's manic, staff everywhere. There is always a nurse at the desk on call hence why visits have to be prearranged.

I think we're just gunna sit and talk with them and set out ground rules with no visiting for the time being. We have no strength for it.

Just coming back to say that I've been thinking of you and your DS all evening. We've been back onto HDU a few times with our dd and it sends me into survival mode.

Sounds rubbish and pointless but I really am keeping you in my thoughts.

This is not about devastating the DGPs, this is about a family trying to pull through, not just with a sick child, but with more children at home, with responsibilities at work, with bills and food to worry about. The last thing this family need to worry about is another adult's feelings.

I wonder if part of you DH's worry is that of he invites his parents in to share his private feelings and fears, then they will think the slate is wiped clean and they an waltz back in. It may have been hard for him to shut them out before, he may be worried about having the energy to do that again.

They don't seem able to respect your boundaries now, I find this troubling, it suggests they are hard work and possibly taking advantage of your vulnerability. It may be they are not good at picking up on hints.

You don't need to explain or excuse they way you want to handle this, do what you need to pull through as best you can.

Please do not worry about social niceties, just do what you have to do to get through the days. If that means no visits, then that's just the way it is.

I wish you all the very best for your baby son.

I think you're making the right decision. I have been in your position with a very sick baby in NICU when she was born then in ICU following open heart surgery at 10 months old.

We made the decision that we weren't going to have visitors until we knew she was coming home. I didn't want people coming in and being emotional. I didn't have enough in me to cope with it myself without having to cope with others grief/emotion as well. We were always honest about her condition and I think at the end of the day it's about what's best for you, your DH and your DS. Your PIL visiting is all about them.

Multiplemama, my heart goes out to you. But I really think that you are not even considering the views, opinions and the emotional attachment of the Grandparents.

You have asked for opinions in this online forum - but you are really only responding to any post that confirms you own view.

Would it be so hard to give them 10 minutes under the strict bio/gowning regime?

You could always text and chat to us on this thread whilst the Grandparents visited. There will be a lot of hand-holding here to help you through it.

At the moment while your son is so ill, his needs come first. Does it help him to have his mum and dad with him? Of course it does! Does it help to have his grandparents visit? Not right now.
I hope your DS recovers soon.

It's interesting how many of the posters here who have actually BEEN in this situation are saying 'We had no strength left to take on more emotion either. Don't let them visit if it will drain anything from you - you cannot afford that.'

Those who have not been in this situation are the ones getting misty eyed over the love the grandparents have for the child too, etc.

I think that tells you a lot.

sad when your child is so sick like this, and as his age is adjusted, that leads me to believe this child was born early and has been sick, you are running on fumes. Complete and utter exhaustion like you would not believe. I'm actually stunned at how long a human being can go like this, but have done it myself.

You cannot spend the night with your child in ICU except in a hard chair. So if you have a partner, you rotate out. And you are so far beyond exhaustion it is, again, stunning.

You do not have space, time or any reserve to do anything but function for that child and try to will them through this hurdle.

Even leaving him to get a shower is precious minutes during which you do not know what could happen. You gobble whatever cold crap you can lay your hands on (hot foods of any sort are not permitted and again, you don't want to leave to get them) as sustenance and neck Red Bull to keep your eyes open.

This is the time when any adult, including grandparents and especially them, suck it up and put the child and his needs and those of the parents caring for him, above their own. ENTIRELY and with no conditions.

This is when you think, 'My son (daughter) must be out of his/her judgement with lack of sleep, stress and worry! I'd like to see my grandchild, but he is very sick and an infection risk. So I'm going to be the bigger person, I'm going to do whatever I can do minimise my child's stress and my part is looking after the other children just now and letting him know I'm there whenever is needed.'

And that is it.

This is about the child and his parents. NOT about your feelings.

And if you cannot recognise this and be the bigger person, you have FA business going visiting.

Much, much love to you, MM, and I hope he recovers well.

'Multiplemama, my heart goes out to you. But I really think that you are not even considering the views, opinions and the emotional attachment of the Grandparents.'

Imagine that? When your child is ill enough to be in ICU in a side room, you don't have space for anything but propping your eyes open with caffeine matchsticks and being there every second you can bar a shower of two minutes and perhaps sallying forth to gobble substance when it is not brought to you.

Too right, Bruno.

Hang in there, MM. We are wishing you and your son the very best!

You are not alone.

Expat - I am not sure how you packed so much emotion into so few words. You must have lived this.

OP - you have a wise councillor here. Ignore the rest of us well meaning posters.

I think being honest with them is the way to go.
You know what is best for your family so stick with that for the moment.
My thoughts are with you x

My thoughts are with you MM.
I can see why the grandparents want to visit, I really can. But I think that the advice from others who have gone through similar situations is the advice you need to listen to. They've been there and have empathy and experience.

OfficerVanHalen I have lost 4 babies of my own and had a further 4 miscarriages.

I am not 'guilt-tripping' the OP, I am simply offering a different point of view as someone who has walked in her footsteps before.

However, if this thread is about agreeing with the OP rather than assisting her to reach a pragmatic decision, I bow out now.

Maybe Hubby can speak to them for both of you. Thank them for looking after other child/children and say how much you both appreciate that but no to visiting, not at the moment anyway.

They can pray all they like at home, just not go on about it.