When do you know its time to call it a day

[divorceisthatmyonlyoption]

Ok, Ive name changed - penis cup, niace ham, lunch box police, nest of vipers, and all that.

Can someone please tell me when I will know what to do? Because I just cant figure it out

I just keep bursting into tears at the moment, I can not remember the last time I was happy or did not worry what was wrong with DH, or if DD was happy, or if I should call it a day and it that is the right thing or not. I find my self driving and suddenly relise that I am driving, I park the car and forget to lock it, I have locked the car and left the windows open. I just cant seem to think straight and all I want to do at the moment is run away, just go anywhere but here. My head feels like it too full and totally empty at the same time.

We never have sex, he bearly seems to remember im even here sometimes. I feel like I dont exsist, DD seems to swing between liking her dad and not liking him. She hates it when its his turn for stories or if I have to leave her with him - is that normal or not I have no idea anymore. I feel like Ive got two kids not one and a husband, its like having two.

Ive got raging insomia, I feel exhausted just trying to make it through the day. Im constantly ill, I have a ulcer, I find myself wishing that DH would do something anything, does nothing and I mean nothing, ever, I cant remember the last time he even helped tidy the house or played with dd.

I just dont know what to do, I dont know if this is all me and im just being really unfair, I dont even remember what being ME feels like, I dont know who I am anymore. Im just so tired and right now I feel so broken that I dont know what to do, or think.

what happened?

I'm about- how did it go?

Are you ok?

I'm ok drinking gin!

He's gone to bed - his go to place in times of stress

We just started talking he blamed me for a load of shit from when we first started going out,

Was ok ish. He lost his temper a couple f times.

I just feel a bit wobbly he's upset and my first reaction is to go and try and make him un upset

But I actually don't feel upset or anything - is that odd?

It wasn't planned we were sort of talking about diner and somehow ended up on the fact I feel miserable from there went to the lack of sex etc

Why do you wamt to make sure he is ok when he's not bothered if you are ok amd has gone to bed. Was anything said about DD

I find it odd your not upset but are worried about him being upset. Why do you think you are not upset, would you normally be.

It would be lovely to hear your not upset and not bothered that he is upset because you haven't done anything wrong. You support him and he is taking non of the blame, again it has all been put back onto you!

I am concerned you are in a position where you could easily support yourself and your DD compared to say others who might leave a relationship and loose everything but are so at the end of their tether/have concerns that they leave with nothing.

Not having a go, just something to think through really. I think your waiting for some big explosion to justify breaking up in your head, maybe a situation where he explodes or things go too far so the decision is made for you IYSWIM.

Of course i could be completly wrong but just giving you my view

I don't know I kid of feel relived

Maybe it will hit me later

I think I'm just very conditioned to worry about everyone else

Nothing has been said about dd.

I had a good chat withher this afternoon and I'm going to go and see the school on Monday

At the moment it seems quite civilised sure that will change though

I think he has conditioned you to make you feel like eveything is your fault, he surely knows that you could leave him and be fine and is probably shit scared of you doing this as he would loose everything, im sure he must think of this. Pleased you spoke to your DD. Are you afraid things might get bad if he suspects you are up to something, remember you have worked hard to build a good life for you and your DD where neither of you rely on anyone which is something to be proud of. If you want him to go or if you feel at all scared ring the police and have him removed.

Just leave it for tonight if he's in a bad mood you have said your piece and he's said his. Just keep on with your plans to get eveyting in place for when you feel ready to go or for when and if you want to ask him to leave

How are things today OP?

Of course it's going to be your fault, he has to say that because otherwise you would chuck him out and has the life of Riley at the moment, not working not doing anything around the house playing Xbox all day, he doesn't even have to look after his daughter because no one will leave her with him because he'll hurt her.
He has to keep you in such a state of stress and despair that you cannot leave. He may be civilised for the moment but has he truly reflected on what you've said and his behaviour and promised to be different and treat you and your dd with love and respect?...no, didn't think so, he'll be like this until all this has 'blown over', you'll have no reason to chuck him out if he's being civilised.
But there is not one thing that you have said that makes being with this man worthwhile.
I don't think I've ever been on a thread and said LTB, in fact I hardly post...but for God's sake darling LTB!!!!

Things are not good today.

I took DD to my parents are 0730 this morning, shes fine (told her that daddy was feeling poorly)

Hes being very very quiet.

Think the end is here. I am keeping out of his way but we have agreed to "talk" again after lunch even though according to him there is nothing left to talk about and he feels very hurt and upset.

Im holding it together just about at the moment - slept ok on the sofa last night.

He came out with some all sorts last night - honestly you wouldnt believe the things he seems to be blaming me for.

Actually strike that - I am barely holding it together.

My stomach is falling to pieces, and I feel very stressed / axcious (sp)

Ive not eaten (nor has he) but I have managed to drink something at least.

Went out to the shops when I had dropped dd off and bought a load of easy to eat minimal cooking stuff.

Im near enough chain smoking and feel like I have no one to talk to at all.

Be mindful that he's a manipulator. He may try to pull some awful stunts to get you back where he wants you. Hopefully not, but be very wary if you find yourself worrying about his feelings for any reason.

My exes trump card used to be to attempt suicide when he thought I really meant it. (Never particularly effectively, with hindsight). But I dud finally leave him, and guess what, he's still alive. It was all bullshit to manipulate me.

Still think you're doing brilliantly btw. This bit certainly won't feel great but you're doing all the right things, you've got good instincts.

wigglylines thanks - dont feel like I am doing brilliantly, feel like I am out of control and I have no Idea what the right thing to do is.

But oddly I am not crying or anything

Honeslty you should have heard some of the stuff he came out with last night - I was listening to it, going NO thats not what happened and your not putting that on me. Was really a bit sereal like he was trying to re write history to his own advantage and i could actually see it was crap for the first time in ages.

When that didnt work he got angry, when that didnt work he went very very quite.

Then called me selfish and tried to tell me I was depressed, didnt know what I was saying, was attacking him

Honeslty it was really really odd, just like he was trying to play me and when each trick didnt work he just tried another one.

Also please remember you do not need him to understand or accept your view. If you want out, you want out.

In hindsight, another thing that kept me with my ex was I exhausted myself trying to get him to understand what it us he was doing. But now I realise he was never going to accept it, no matter what I said. But also, it didn't actually matter whether he understood how his behaviour affected me. What mattered was me getting away from his behaviour. That was a decision I needed to take, and whether he got it or not was a major distraction.

Also, I'd been taught that the decent way to break up with someone was face to face, with words and honesty. (Nit by text or note for example). But actually, that only applies to people who have treated you well. But if someone has actually been damaging to you, all that matters is getting away from them, not considering their feelings when you do it, and most especially if they are a manipulator.

Is there no one in RL ywho know what's going on, your parent etc. You are lacking support so it is going to me much harder as all you have is him and he is a manipulator

"Honeslty it was really really odd, just like he was trying to play me and when each trick didnt work he just tried another one."

You're starting to see what's really in front if you.
Congratulations! The fog is lifting :)

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

No there is no one that knows in RL at the moment.

I have zero friends, Well I have a couple but they are both HIS friends. Not told my parents yet as they have a few issues of their own.

So its just me and MN for support

(The hug because this is hard, and you deserve one! I don't care if it's mumsnetty or not :) )

Agree with ILove, it could be helpful to reach out to someone in RL. Might that be possible?

Cross posts sorry.

Well, we're not going anywhere :)

wirggly actually a hug however un mumsnetty is just what I need right now.

That and a full frontal labotomy I think, or just someone to tell me I am doing the right thing (even if I am not)

What's your plan for talking to him later? I find it always helps for any negotiation, in any situation, if I'm clear with myself what I'm trying to get out of it. Are you clear with yourself what the point of it is?

Are you trying to get him to understand? (I would suggest this is a dead end!) or simply to go, or something else?

You are doing the right thing, (And you really are, honestly).

You are most definitely doing the right thing, don't even think you're not.
What he should have done was listened to you and even if he didn't agree with what you were saying he should have acknowledged that was how you felt and there may be a reason for it. Well actually he shouldn't have treats you this way in the first place but anyway....what he should not be doing is laying all the blame at your feet and telling you you are depressed therefore you are mentally ill and have no grasp on reality and he is not doing anything wrong because it is all in your mad head...

Why doesn't he work?

VSM - the work thing is a bit complicated and will out myself massively. Basically we set up our own business and live on the presmisses (started about 5 years ago) he did very little to begin with and about 2 years ago he litterally just stopped doing anything to do with the business or house.

Wigglylines - think my plann of campaign is going to be to suggest that we seperate for a while and both get some space. Then take it from there. I need things to stay fairly amicable for DD, etc and at the moment I think he is on the back foot and likely to come out fighting when actually it was him that told me it was over at the end of last night discussion. I need him to calm down a bit and we cant do that when we are both under each others feet. I also need a bit of breathing space to let the fog truely lift.