When do you know its time to call it a day

[divorceisthatmyonlyoption]

Ok, Ive name changed - penis cup, niace ham, lunch box police, nest of vipers, and all that.

Can someone please tell me when I will know what to do? Because I just cant figure it out

I just keep bursting into tears at the moment, I can not remember the last time I was happy or did not worry what was wrong with DH, or if DD was happy, or if I should call it a day and it that is the right thing or not. I find my self driving and suddenly relise that I am driving, I park the car and forget to lock it, I have locked the car and left the windows open. I just cant seem to think straight and all I want to do at the moment is run away, just go anywhere but here. My head feels like it too full and totally empty at the same time.

We never have sex, he bearly seems to remember im even here sometimes. I feel like I dont exsist, DD seems to swing between liking her dad and not liking him. She hates it when its his turn for stories or if I have to leave her with him - is that normal or not I have no idea anymore. I feel like Ive got two kids not one and a husband, its like having two.

Ive got raging insomia, I feel exhausted just trying to make it through the day. Im constantly ill, I have a ulcer, I find myself wishing that DH would do something anything, does nothing and I mean nothing, ever, I cant remember the last time he even helped tidy the house or played with dd.

I just dont know what to do, I dont know if this is all me and im just being really unfair, I dont even remember what being ME feels like, I dont know who I am anymore. Im just so tired and right now I feel so broken that I dont know what to do, or think.

Sorry, silly me! Glad you're ok :)

In fact you're doing brilliantly. It took me several tries before I could leave my arsehole ex, and it wan't till after I left him that I really came to understand just how bad his behaviour towards me, and others in his past was. (No DCs involved thankfully).

Your H might sense something's up. Be wary of him pulling manipulative stunts to make you stay, or doing stuff that makes you doubt yourself.

Im still not sure to be honest. But I can walk a fair way down this path befor having to make an absolute decision. In someways I really wish someone would make the decision for me, just becuase it would be so much easier. Which is really odd as I am so good at making decisions normally I just cant seem to make this one.

What do you think is stopping you from making this decision?

I think perhaps you haven't grasped the seriousness or the reality of the situation?

Your DD only has one childhood, and if your H is being abusive towards her, then you have no choice, the choice has already been made for you in a sense.

You must protect her.

Sorry to be so direct, but I wish people had been a bit more direct we me, with my ex. They probably thought what was obvious to them (that he was an abusive, low-life user) was obvious to me, but it wasn't at the time. My judgement was clouded because I was very naive, I believed in seeing the good in people, and didn't appreciate how damaging or twisted some people are. And for some reason I lacked the impulse to want to protect myself. I was also bad at admitting anything was actually wrong.

You do need to get away from this man, for your own sanity. This relationship is making you miserable, and that is a very valid reason to go. It will not improve.

But when you add to that your DD and your H's treatment of her, you really have no choice. As her mother you must protect her.

For me, what helped was starting to speak to people in RL about whst was wr

Sorry, posted by accident!

I was just saying that speaking to people on RL helped mr a lot.

How about giving women's aid a call. Talking it over could help 0808 2000 247.

(if you can't get through, leave your number, They'll call back.)

Are you asserted your DD is being psychologically damaged by being in this situation? She will be messed up and have problems with relationships unless you get her away from this environment.

The stuff about your H turning her back on her us heartbreaking, and that kind of stuff must be having an effect on her.

Then add to that she's reached out to her mother for help, by telling you about the biting. Do you want her to look back and say she asked you for help but you didn't protect her?

She won't thank you for leaving her in this toxic envir

Sorry, stupid phone! That should say

"Are you aware your DD is being psychologically damaged by being in this situation"

And also

She won't thank you for leaving her in thus toxic environment to grow up. Prepare for her to feel massive resentment towards you as an adult if you don't act.

But you will act, won't you? Keep going through the steps towards getting out and hopefully the fog will start lifting soon.

I really dont know what is stopping me.

Part of the problem is that dd does fib, so I go back and forth on weather to believe her or not (that sounds terrible, I promise I am a good mother)

BUT his behaviour round her and hers around him does give me reason to be concerned. She is very good with other men (my dad for example, and male friends) not random strangers so its not a "man" thing in general. it seems specific to DH. But is she picking up on the fact there are problems and is playing those. But then he was horrid when she was a baby, and things havent been right in a long time

There are other problems associated with work that would be difficult - but I could get round. Maybe an au par for example.

I think the main problem is that I dont know after 10 years how I feel in myself. I mean I am not the catch of the century maybe this is the best I am going to get.

I go back and forth between is it bad enough to leave and is it good enough to stay. If there was something definative, an affair, or I knew for definate that he was hurting dd, or if school are worried he is hurting DD it would be a no brainer.

Dont worry about the straight talking, I like straight talking, I can deal with it - iyswim

you sound like me OP

no advoce but ALOT of sympathy

the problem is DOING shit when you are in the fog

Oh fromparistoberlin73 Im so sorry your going through the same thing.

The question is "how do you clear the fog" that I just dont know.

Hope things work out for you.

OK, it seems maybe the problem there is you're waiting for it to feel like definitely the right thing, but you don't feel that conviction.

However you do know your head is cloudy.

Can we put your emotions to the side for a minute and stick to the facts?

What you know to be true? So far we have:

• he deliberately sets up a situation where he makes her feel crushed and rejected. This is cruel.
• he hurt her so much a temptary mark appeared on her skin
• she doesn't want to be around him
• you are miserable in this relationship. You will be teaching her that this is what a relationship should be, and she may well seek out the same kind of relationship when she's older

What do you mean about he was mean to her as a baby? Is there anything else you can add to the list?

If you go to the school and voice your concerns they may be able to help. Explain you want help getting to the truth, that you don't want to let your DD down if she is telling the truth.

Oh no he wasnt exactly me to DD as a baby.

EG. I lost was very ill after I gave birth, I was woken one night (I was sleeping in DD room) with "your baby is crying"

I dont have one picture of him and DD where he isnt looking totally miserable.

I had a shower (about 10 days post pardum) and ask him to watch her for a few mins whilst I was in the shower. I came back to find her screaming and alone (but safe from harm) becuase he was outside having a fag.

He just had zero interest in her. He walk out of the room if we came into it. He acused me of using him as a sperm donner (I didnt yes DD was a contraceptive faliour, but he made this big song and dance about it being the womens choice - then after she was born he made out like I had trapped him)

He complained (vocally about the lack of sex) but never once got up in the night, or tried to even spend any time with me.

he was just really really unpleasant in every way possible.

Your plann about school seems very wise. Think I might just print that off and take it with me as I have been worrying about how to deal with it.

Tbh, any if those things listed above are enough to leave. But I thought it might hekp to get it all written down.

One of the problems I had with leaving my ex is I couldn't quite believe he was as cruel as he actually was. I didn't appreciate quite how bad things were. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and I shouldn't have.

The thing when your DD rubs towards your H, that's very telling about how his mind works. He enjoys hurting her, can you understand that?

You don't need evidence he's hurting her physically. And anyway, it's the emotional stuff that's cruellest IMO. you've seen him do this. He is trying to crush her and make her feel emotional pain, for his own entertainment. Can you see that?

Even if you don't feel emotionally you want to leave, can you see logically, you must, for your DD?

If you stay, she will end up messed up. You will get more miserable. She may end up blaming you for not acting.
If you go, you both get a chance at a happy life.

Runs not rubs. Stupid phone!

Sorry, I probably sound like a stuck record but Women's aid could be really good to talk to as they will recognise the abuse he's aiming towards you.

NSPCC could be good to talk to about recognising abuse in children.

I think you're doing well, just keep making those steps and taking to us and the fog should clear.

wiggly you dont sound like a broken record. You are forthright and maybe that is just what I need at the moment to try and see clearly for that I thank you.

I do see what your saying 1000% I am just having trouble reconciling it to my relationship. That probably doesnt make any sense. Seeing I am telling you what going on and your reflecting it back to me. But it is the best defination I can give you.

Its like you guys see the bigger picture were as I can only see pieces at the moment.

I am trying to see the bigger picture, and baby step my way through it. It just feels like I can only make one step at a time

The thing when your DD runs towards your H, that's very telling about how his mind works. He enjoys hurting her, can you understand that?

I totally agree with this. He is deliberately hurting her emotionally and that could be just damaging as physical abuse. He does this openly in front of you. It's so cruel. Please speak with someone in real life about these events - they'll help you see through the fog.

Reading your op has made me (finally) register with MN so that I can join this thread. My heart aches for you as your situation brings back so many memories of my ex - I still cheer inwardly to be able to use the "ex" word !

Luckily we never had children together, but it still took me many years to leave the relationship. I now look back at my younger self with tears of pity for what I allowed myself to come to accept as normal. The man I thought was charming and loving was actually a scared, insecure, manipulative bully. He never laid a hand on me but the drip feed of nasty comments about my taste in friends/family/beliefs/career/films/books/lifestyle etc, and his behaviour generally hurt me just as much.

I went from an outgoing graduate on a secure career path to somebody off work sick for a year, unable to drive any more, unable to answer the phone, too scared to see family and friends. I finally called my dad one day when I felt I was going insane. He drove me to my family home where, with their love and encouragement, I began to rebuild my life.

I had 9 months Cognitive Behavioural Therapy as an outpatient at a psychiatric hospital - it was a life-saving experience. The thing I learnt there, and have read since, is that the worse person you can lie to is yourself. This is the fog that you talk about. I was living one life and trying to reconcile all the parts of it (some very nebulous) that seemed wrong with what I knew it should really be like. The only way to do this - and herein lies the madness - is to pretend that it is other than it really is.

Part of you (I would suggest a very large part) knows what is wrong, you just have to trust yourself. Your abusive partner has destroyed that trust, but believe me, it's still there. I have now been in my current relationship for 10 years and we have 2 children. My life is unimaginably different from 10 years ago, I never thought I could get it back - I did, so can you.

Please be totally honest with yourself and those around you. Forget any feelings of shame, embarrassment, failure - they belong to your partner, not you. You and your daughter (who you know isn't lying) have one life, who gave him the right to ruin it ? Of course it's a hard road ahead to leave etc, but believe me, nothing you have to do will feel as bad as you do now. The fog will clear, as mine did to enable me to be looking forward to collecting my children from school and to be seeing my partner when he returns from work. The best revenge is to live well, start the journey today !

Reading your op has made me (finally) register with MN so that I can join this thread. My heart aches for you as your situation brings back so many memories of my ex - I still cheer inwardly to be able to use the "ex" word !

Luckily we never had children together, but it still took me many years to leave the relationship. I now look back at my younger self with tears of pity for what I allowed myself to come to accept as normal. The man I thought was charming and loving was actually a scared, insecure, manipulative bully. He never laid a hand on me but the drip feed of nasty comments about my taste in friends/family/beliefs/career/films/books/lifestyle etc, and his behaviour generally hurt me just as much.

I went from an outgoing graduate on a secure career path to somebody off work sick for a year, unable to drive any more, unable to answer the phone, too scared to see family and friends. I finally called my dad one day when I felt I was going insane. He drove me to my family home where, with their love and encouragement, I began to rebuild my life.

I had 9 months Cognitive Behavioural Therapy as an outpatient at a psychiatric hospital - it was a life-saving experience. The thing I learnt there, and have read since, is that the worse person you can lie to is yourself. This is the fog that you talk about. I was living one life and trying to reconcile all the parts of it (some very nebulous) that seemed wrong with what I knew it should really be like. The only way to do this - and herein lies the madness - is to pretend that it is other than it really is.

Part of you (I would suggest a very large part) knows what is wrong, you just have to trust yourself. Your abusive partner has destroyed that trust, but believe me, it's still there. I have now been in my current relationship for 10 years and we have 2 children. My life is unimaginably different from 10 years ago, I never thought I could get it back - I did, so can you.

Please be totally honest with yourself and those around you. Forget any feelings of shame, embarrassment, failure - they belong to your partner, not you. You and your daughter (who you know isn't lying) have one life, who gave him the right to ruin it ? Of course it's a hard road ahead to leave etc, but believe me, nothing you have to do will feel as bad as you do now. The fog will clear, as mine did to enable me to be looking forward to collecting my children from school and to be seeing my partner when he returns from work. The best revenge is to live well, start the journey today !

If you approach the school with you concerns which you should so everything is recorded then theres a good chance the school will take the decision out of your hands depending on how truthful you are about what your DD has told you. If a child approached a teacher at school and told them what she has told you i would expect them to act and inform the relevant authorities. She could tell anyone herself at any time, a teacher a friends parent... This is really serious and the decision could be taken out of your hands, i think then you will grasp how serious what your DD is telling you is. You already feel uneasy to the point you are unwilling to leave them alone together, that say's a lot. Even if she is making the physical abuse up you know he is mentally abusing her which could be causing her serious harm which may show itself in later years. He has knocked you confidence and don such a job on you you are questioning yourself but you know something is wrong deep down. You really need to get him away from you and your DD asap and you need to tell someone in RL what is going on so you have support

You need to get him out. He needs to get out of your house. He is hurting your daughter. Your daughter had told you this, you have witnessed it. He treats you like a slave cash cow.
Go to your solicitor tell them everything they will help you. You'll be ok, you're scared and hurting now and do is your daughter but don't be scared, your new life away from him well be a thousand time better and happier than it is now.
Like other posters have said do not look back and regret not getting your daughter when she told you. That she doesn't like it when he reads her stories at bedtime is very worrying.

I read this thread as I have gone through bad patches with DP, and wondered at times if it was worth splitting up- however, as the thread progressed it has become less should you leave that when.

It is very alarming to read.

Child abusers are not monsters hanging around street corners. They are in children's homes. They are loved by the people around them. They are loved by the children they are abusing. They are often very skilled deceptors.

I am an advisory teacher for children in care, and do a lot of work around safeguarding. What you have said in this thread would raise significant concerns for any professional who heard it, and they would take further action.

You need to grit your teeth and clear the fog. End your relationship. If you are wrong, and there's no abuse, and he actually loves you and you want him back, that is a hell of a lot easier to repair than if you stay.

What are you scared will happen if you end it and it was the wrong thing to do?

"She was hysterical last night when being brought home, and said that daddy bites her and it hurts, but ive never seen any marks or anything."

This may seem like an odd question, but were you both in the car when she told you this?

How are you this evening OP?

Anyone about? Dh and I jut had the talk - feel a bit wobbly