When do you know its time to call it a day

[divorceisthatmyonlyoption]

Ok, Ive name changed - penis cup, niace ham, lunch box police, nest of vipers, and all that.

Can someone please tell me when I will know what to do? Because I just cant figure it out

I just keep bursting into tears at the moment, I can not remember the last time I was happy or did not worry what was wrong with DH, or if DD was happy, or if I should call it a day and it that is the right thing or not. I find my self driving and suddenly relise that I am driving, I park the car and forget to lock it, I have locked the car and left the windows open. I just cant seem to think straight and all I want to do at the moment is run away, just go anywhere but here. My head feels like it too full and totally empty at the same time.

We never have sex, he bearly seems to remember im even here sometimes. I feel like I dont exsist, DD seems to swing between liking her dad and not liking him. She hates it when its his turn for stories or if I have to leave her with him - is that normal or not I have no idea anymore. I feel like Ive got two kids not one and a husband, its like having two.

Ive got raging insomia, I feel exhausted just trying to make it through the day. Im constantly ill, I have a ulcer, I find myself wishing that DH would do something anything, does nothing and I mean nothing, ever, I cant remember the last time he even helped tidy the house or played with dd.

I just dont know what to do, I dont know if this is all me and im just being really unfair, I dont even remember what being ME feels like, I dont know who I am anymore. Im just so tired and right now I feel so broken that I dont know what to do, or think.

KNowledgeispower - Im glad I helped you, now if I could just help me.

The behaviour you describe is not normal. There is no definition of 'normal'. Did it feel wrong to you? If it did then take your gut reaction to it. The subsequent brainwashing of your husband into justifying his behaviour is not your fault.

You said that leaving him alone with her feels wrong < that's your intuition and it's spot on. Listen to it!

You can and you will help yourself. It will take time. Don't feel as though you have to do everything right away. Take baby steps and once you start the ball rolling you will be free to have the life you deserve with dd

Try and get hold of a book called 'stay or leave' by Beverley stone, it might help you make the decision

I actually dont care about me
This statement is not good.
You should care about you and what happens to you. THAT is normal.
We want the best life for ourselves and our DC.
If you don't care about you, then will your daughter care about herself later in life? She takes her life lessons from you and your DH.

I really think you should contact Women's Aid. The more you write the more it sounds like abuse to me and Women's Aid will help you get your head around it. Please give them a call when you can.

That fact you have to do things on the sly to try to get away also speaks volumes. You are scared of this man.
If you weren't, and things were normal, then you would simply ask him to leave. Help him pack his things up and he would go.

Honestly, NONE of this is normal to most people. Problem right now is that it is your normal.

Speak to some people in real life. Talk to your family about this and get their support. I appreciate that might not be easy with your Dad going through things right now. Even a close friend can help you put things into perspective.

This is all so far off of being a loving, caring relationship, it's unreal!

Your plans right now are good but you need to follow through.

She was hysterical last night when being brought home, and said that daddy bites her and it hurts,

Get out now with your daughter or get him out. Theres your reason to end the relationship and its a massive reason

No whatever is going on with your DD is not normal at all, she sounds terrified of him and you need to get her away from him

Your DD is NOT safe. You need to act a lot faster than I previously advised. Get him out as soon as possible. Call women's aid, they will be able to advise you.

If your DD says her father bites her, you should believe her. You've seen that he acts with aggression towards her and he deliberately turns his back when she's delighted to see him - that alone is absuive enough. Don't put her through this anymore.

Actually, if you do tell him you want to seperate, is he more likely to take it out on your DD rather than you? Speak with your solicitor and women's aid about how to get him out of the house quickly after being told.

No, your daughter is not safe.
You need to move much more quickly. He has already hurt her.
Time to move.

My adrenaline kicked in when i started hearing about how subtly you were making preparations and THEN the various and increasingly worrying revelations about how stbxh (can we start calling him that now?) treats DD and cannot be trusted with her.

I already believed from your earlier posts that your marriage was hurting you badly enough (physically and psychically) to be ended.

I agree with other posters suggesting that there seems to be more urgency now. Obviously he should do the leaving - I think you said the house is yours? But it's unlikely he'll just do that, so other measures may be necessary until such time as he is removed.

Yes, the time is now. Seize the day and all that ... good luck OP!

I would believe your DD. She says he bites her, and actually (when he's not talking and confusing things) you know that's not out of character.

She's told you about it and asked you to make it stop. You need to act on this, it's your responsibility as her mother. You do not need to tell your H, you do not need to explain anything to him, or have a reason he accepts. The time for that is gone.

You need to make plans to get away. First step, speak to women's aid. They give great advice and will help you see through the fog.

If you ring them and they're busy, leave a message and let them know what times they can call you, they will ring back.

The most important thing you can do for your dd is make sure you are okay, She needs to see you happy.

If your gut instinct is telling you that it isn't safe to leave your dd with her father then you have a problem

I think you need to ask him to leave for a while to give you some breathing space

Ok, I see what everyone is saying - i really do.

BUT, how do I control things if I ask him to leave? At least here I can monitor things, and make sure that I dont leave them alone. But what about visitation? How the hell is he going to be when theres not me in the background making sure that DD is safe?

He never looks after her, now him on his own I think there is a chance he wont want visitation. BUT if his mother get into the mix, she will push and push (and cost me a fortune I dont have to fight her) for visitation.

I think I need to go back to the solicitor. Do you think it is worth speaking to school to say I have concerns? I dont know what they will do, but surely that might mean there is a record somewhere?

Grandparents have no automatic right of access to their grandchildren in this country.

Talk to the school as well.

I would also add, if your DD discusses what she is telling you with the school then things could change pretty quickly. From experience of friends who have been in abusive relationships and SS have told them to leave i know they will remove the kids if they don't. I don't want to scare you but what if she tells a teacher or they see bite marks on her. You need to act really fast for your DD

A man who has been abusive to his child should get, at best, supervised contact at a contact centre.

I think it's time to speak to someone with regard to child protection now. School, or police would be a start. Remember women's aid are there for you too

www.womensaid.org.uk

Yes you should talk to someone about suspected abuse. Getting it on record now will help you later if he tries to get unsupervised visits. Maybe your DD might speak to another adult (school? Doctor?) about the biting so you can get it documented at least.

Your first step should be to speak to women's aid, and solicitor too, they can advise you how best to get it documented now. It's important as without it, it's effectively your word against his at the point he tries to get visitation rights.

There's no pussyfooting around this - if he's biting your daughter, then that's child abuse. You HAVE to protect her, at once. And possibly he's hurting her in other ways, pinching, hitting, squeezing ... if he is, he's clever enough not to leave marks. You say your daughter does tell little fibs, but honestly, you can't take the risk, can you, that she isn't fibbing about this? And the turning and walking away when she runs to him is just horrible, rejecting behaviour. In your original post, you say she hates being alone with him for stories etc. That is disturbing - is he sneakily hurting her then, a time when a small child should be happily snuggling up to daddy while he tells her the story of The Three Bears?

I think and hope the mist in your mind is now clearing fast, OP, and you are realising the urgency of the situation. You HAVE to do something. His behaviour to you has been awful, but to his daughter, if her complaints are even halfway true, beyond awful. Poor little girl. Please PLEASE, OP, act fast. Don't worry about the inlaws, they're just a sideshow, but worry about your little girl, and yourself. As previous poster said, trust your gut instinct, that he is hurting your precious child. First objective - get him away from you and her, fast.

Must add, I completely agree with wigglylines above ^^
If SS get involved - and if the school become alarmed, they may well be, then you should realise that you ought to be seen to have done all possible to protect your little daughter. Document everything, get it on record, report your suspiciouns. I don't want to be alarmist, but if it appears you've suspected abuse but done nothing about it in being proactivein protecting your child, then that doesn't look good to SS and the justice system.

Agree with pp entirely...if your daughter mentioned something at school they have a duty to report anything untoward to SS, and your DD could be removed from your care initially aswell.

You also have a duty of care as a parent to protect your little girl. It's not going to be easy, but the hardest part will be over when you tell him to leave. It's sounds like you're are the one with the power here eg. Your house, you have a job and decent salary.

You really do need to act sooner rather than later. Good luck.

OP I hope you're ok?

Your husband is emotionally and physically abusing your daughter, and emotionally abusing you.

Please get away from him.

Your daughter is being caused actual physical pain and harm. By hitting and biting and god knows what else.

She's just a baby. I know it will be officially and horrible, but you just protect her. Who else will, if not you?

She's trying to tell you. Please, please listen. Trust me. She needs you to be her voice.

awful, not officially. Bloody phone. But please, GET AWAY.

Or if it's easier, speak to the school, tell them you're concerned about abuse and news help accessing services.

I'm worried by your lack of a reply, are you OK?

I'm still here it was my Dance class last night and I didn't want to leave dd at home with dh so she had a sleep over but it was a lot of running about I did read all your message just didn't have the energy to post last night

I've phoned the school and made an appointment to go and see her teacher I've made another appointment with the solicitor. I've started gettin photo copies together

I think dh is getting suspicious that something is going on, but maybe that just me worrying