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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

sooo angry

68 replies

unhappy1 · 23/08/2006 19:53

hi have posted on here before but havent had much response. well things are desperate and i would like some one to chat to, to find out if im beig ureasonable or my dh is. its all about sex really, he has v.high drive and i dont. we are not talking or taking chunks out of eachother today as he feels i dont give him enough time sexually. i feel under pressure as he always is on about it even when im ill. he is talking about ending it all because we dont have enough sex, were talking 8-10 times a month. i also have health probs and when i say im not well, all i get is 'bang goes sex tonight then'. can anyone feedback on this please as im confused and upset.

OP posts:

AllieBongo · 23/08/2006 19:57

men tend to be selfish and thoughtless when it comes to this situation. my dh is similar to an extent (if he said he would leave me over this i would let him) they don't seem to undertand the 3 million things a day we deal with, and that sex is often the last thing on your mind. they get so obsessed with not getting it they turn into a misery, and that makes you reject them more. I'm not sure of the answer, but here's a hug, cos I know my dh can be little like this

hairymclary · 23/08/2006 19:58

can you ask him to sit down with you and have a rational conversation?
I don't think you're being unreasonable and if he wants to end it just because you don't want sex every night then he's a fool quite frankly.

AllieBongo · 23/08/2006 19:59

well said hairy.

Charleesunnysunsun · 23/08/2006 20:00

He sounds like he's being a completly selfish git TBH. especially when it comes to your illness, how insensitive! Does he know how he's making you feel? Have you also told him that 8-10 times a month is like 2 times a week and is more than alot of men get!

Its not nice to hear but if it were my DP i would say like it or lump it basicly he needs to know how bad he's making you feel and that by presurising you its not going to make you want sex more its going to turn you off!

Hugs

CountTo10 · 23/08/2006 20:00

Poor you!!! You should tell your dh to count himself lucky - my dp's lucky to get half that number on a monthly basis!!!! I agree with AB - men just don't get the whole difference in sex drive thing especially after having a baby. I used to have a really high sex drive which the bottom has just fallen out of after becoming a mum. My lo is nearly 2 and it still hasn't got better because when I get in bad I just want to go to sleep!!!! My dp felt like I was pushing him away and didn't need him anymore when I started saying no and I had to explain - not that he gets it!!!!

Original poster

unhappy1 · 23/08/2006 20:02

thanks alliebongo, its appreciated for your response. I wish i was strong enough to let him go but im scared of being alone with three kids. I just wish he would understand my feelings.

OP posts:

tribpot · 23/08/2006 20:04

I'm not surprised you're angry, how utterly insensitive. You should be able to count on support when you're not well, not a "me me me" response that he's not going to get his end away that night.

I have to say, 8-10 times a month with small child(ren) is flipping good going, but hopefully some of the tame Mumsnet dads will be able to give you a male perspective on this.

PanicPants · 23/08/2006 20:04

Agree with CSSS, 10 times a month is like sex every third day, more than dp and I manage anyway!

AllieBongo · 23/08/2006 20:05

i'm so pooped by bedtime, it narks me big time

catsmother · 23/08/2006 20:07

Would he consider Relate with you ? They can not only talk about general relationship issues, but also refer you for sexual therapy (I think) if necessary.

Not that I think in any shape or form that you necessarily need sex therapy. 8-10 a month is probably more than average for most couples with small kids. Okay - he might have a higher sex drive than that but he is hardly being deprived. And to be blunt, if he's that bloody bothered by it he can always slope off to the bathroom by himself.

The way he keeps going on at you must make you feel like a lump of meat, and that that is all he thinks you're good for. It's especially nasty if he's taking no account of your health problems.

Original poster

unhappy1 · 23/08/2006 20:08

Thanks everyone, at least im feeling a little better now, well dh is upstairs and im down like we have all day. we have tried adult comunication, but it always ends in a row. Im new to this forum thing so bear with me as im finding it hard to write things down. thanks for the hugs, heres one back

OP posts:

Tommy · 23/08/2006 20:08

if he's really serious why doesn't he take you away on a romantic weekend, arrange someone to look after the children and romance you again?

Probably unlikely to do that but I would think that was a reasonable thing to do.
You could tell him that I'm 14 weeks pregnant and we haven't had sex since the baby's conception...I would think that's quite normal.

hairymclary · 23/08/2006 20:10

he really needs to understand how you feel. everything in life doesn't boil down to whether or not he gets sex.
I definitely think that it might be worth going to relate, if he's willing to try that.
If he isn't then I would honestly ask yourself if he is the man for you.

AllieBongo · 23/08/2006 20:15

hey, that's what we're here for love

Original poster

unhappy1 · 23/08/2006 20:16

thats the thing he says he doesnt want to be an avarage man. my middle s has adhd as well so it is very stressfull at times, dh is not dad to 2 of them and i feel he favours dd3 more, saying shes hitting because the older t2 do, blaming them.

OP posts:

hairymclary · 23/08/2006 20:25

he needs to figure out what his priorities are in life then. what does he mean he doesn't want to be an average man? what? he wants people to think he's married to a porn star who shags him on a whim?

He ought to be thinking about his family, you, your health problems and how he can be a great dad and husband.
not whether he'll get sex every night

CountTo10 · 23/08/2006 20:29

If he doesn't want to be an average man then he should stop acting like one , go that extra mile and nurture and support you for a bit instead of assuming you're only there for one thing!

AllieBongo · 23/08/2006 20:33

i'm writing all this down for later. you guys give great advice

Original poster

unhappy1 · 23/08/2006 20:58

SORRY FOLKS BUT DH JUST CAME DOWN. SAYING LOADS OF ST. CUT LONG STORY SHORT, HE THINKS WE DONT NEED TO TALK BUT TO TOUCH! B. no way! surely thats giving in, oh and he said by the way he doesnt mean sex! Hes talking about ending it, putting him self down and just p*g me off! apparently i dont consider his feelings but he does mine! makes you laugh dont it. i might not be back for a while as i dont want him to know im doing this and he might come down! cheers everyone and hope to speak v.soon

OP posts:

AllieBongo · 23/08/2006 20:59

bugger, be strong

Cailyn3 · 23/08/2006 20:59

Why do so many men think with the wrong equipment? When I was pregnant with ds2, we went without for 20 WEEKS in a row! Mainly because my husband was seriously depressed with work, but I did feel a bit got at (you know, seven months pregnant, feeling huge and totally unfanciable). It got sorted out as soon as he got a new job. But even then, 8-10 times a month is damn good going for three kids, esp one with ADHD. He should be praising you every day for getting it that often, not complaining!

Original poster

unhappy1 · 23/08/2006 21:01

dont you mean all!

OP posts:

hairymclary · 23/08/2006 21:02

unhappy, if he won't talk to it will he write anything down? tell him that you want to sort this out and make thins better between you but that you don't want it to end in an argument,

Perhaps you could both write down what it is that's bothering you, how it makes you feel, and what you'd like the other one to do/take into consideration. then you can discuss it and figure out where to go frm here

Original poster

unhappy1 · 23/08/2006 21:05

what doesnt help is that hes not worked for a year and we are 24/7 together, well unless he decides to go out at the last minute, but thats a hole other chat.

OP posts:

Cailyn3 · 23/08/2006 21:18

You need some "me" time on your own, get away from the hubby, the kids, and have a damn good girlie night out! Are you allowed time away too, if he can go out? By the sound of things so far, I doubt it! I suppose next time he asks you for nookie, you could always say "ok darling, would right here in the kitchen in front of three squalling kids do for you? No? Than start thinking with the rest of your anatomy!"

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