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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

sooo angry

68 replies

unhappy1 · 23/08/2006 19:53

hi have posted on here before but havent had much response. well things are desperate and i would like some one to chat to, to find out if im beig ureasonable or my dh is. its all about sex really, he has v.high drive and i dont. we are not talking or taking chunks out of eachother today as he feels i dont give him enough time sexually. i feel under pressure as he always is on about it even when im ill. he is talking about ending it all because we dont have enough sex, were talking 8-10 times a month. i also have health probs and when i say im not well, all i get is 'bang goes sex tonight then'. can anyone feedback on this please as im confused and upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
unhappy1 · 23/08/2006 21:23

but that would be satisfactory for him! i sometimes go out but its hard for me as i dont drive, we live in a village, ad money is tight so cabs are out of the question! i dont like leaing the kids with him as he has high standards of what they should do and behave. no hes not violent but he nags most of the time so you feel crap.

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Original poster
unhappy1 · 23/08/2006 21:25

damn why do i feel so guilty for not going to sort this out! im sure he will put it on me that its my fault for not going to bed and making up!

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Cailyn3 · 23/08/2006 21:40

I am led to remember a great joke here:

"God gave man a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to run both at the same time"

Also,

"Men were given willies to keep their brain cells in"

Babe, its not your fault for not wanting sex, everyone has stages where they are just not in the mood no matter what. If he's been out of work for so long, maybe he's feeling "impotent" in the work respect, and he's trying to prove he can still succeed in another way. Why is he out of work for so long?

CountTo10 · 23/08/2006 21:52

Sex is also not the way to solve an argument. My other half always seems things will be ok if we just have sex cause then it all goes away ...... and gues what????? It doesn't, its still there!!! He needs to realise that theres more than sex to a relationship and that theres more needed than a 'Shall we.....' for most women to want sex. Perhaps if he spent more time focusing on what makes you tick, he might find he gets different results.

Original poster
unhappy1 · 23/08/2006 21:56

hes got back problems. i just wish i could have a good cry on someones shoulder and that he would listen to reason. mabye it should end, after all this isnt the only prob we got! a few times hes come up with strange stories to get out of the house, one involving death of mum and kids of distat freind on xmas day but nothing on news, strange. oh and cleared phone memory.

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divastrop · 23/08/2006 22:16

my ds2s father was like that,i found it through talking to many women that abusive men tent to 'expect' sex as though its their right,cos ur their property.i stopped having sex with ds2d after i gave birth cos hed been such an a*hole that i just didnt have any feelings left for him.i chucked him out when ds2 was 4 months old as i found out hed used my bank details to watch porn on sky.he was also nasty to my older 2 kids.i was so happy when he went,it was so much easier on my own without walking on eggshells,scared of starting a row all the time.
i came on this forum to moan about dp...but now ive realised i have nothing to complain about cos he loves all my kids,and when hes in the mood he lets me know by being gentle and seductive,and if im too knackered(which is rare as he does alot round the house and with the kids)he just leaves it and gives me a hug.there IS life after bas**rds,if u ever get to the point of giving up on him.all the best

madhouse2 · 26/08/2006 22:35

he can't work because of a bad back but yet he wants sex all the time!!!

bamik · 27/08/2006 00:28

Well - the back can't be that bad then

Original poster
unhappy1 · 29/08/2006 20:20

sorry folks havent been here for a while as dh is always around! things are still bad and hes gone on one of his little expeditions again. dont think its an affair as its never long enough, but not sure where? dh says a drive so lets wait and see what he says when he comes home. had major bad day as we havent stopped digging and biting at each other. it started first thing, kids were a little loud and he got major strops, screamed at them and then stropped all day. he then has the cheak to say ive been in a bad mood and so have the kids, like, its always us init! been ill all weekend and not sure whats wrong. not much pressure this time but a few little comments like, wish we could spend time, or cant you think of me doesnt have to be full fun! typical of him though! sorry for moaning but so low and fed up............by the way if i dissapear its cause hes back.

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drosophila · 29/08/2006 20:26

DO you enjoy the sex you do have? I wonder if you lie back and think of England or do you enjoy it.

Original poster
unhappy1 · 29/08/2006 20:29

yes i do enjoy most of the time when i a:dont feel pressured and b:when it doesnt hurt. if im relaxed i feel more love in it but thats not very often as kids are stressful.

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sleepysooz · 29/08/2006 20:41

I'm so sorry for you, I don't really know what to say.

Have you any friends or family close to you where you can get away for a couple of hours to talk things through, or can the kiddes stay over at parents or friends so you can both talk this through?

It sounds as though you both are a little depressed especially your fella not having a job, the sex thing might be him proving to himself that he is the man of the house! How bad is his back that he can't work at all?

The situation with you not liking him having the kiddies by himself worries me, I know they can be tiring, I get grumpy with mine, but to think they would suffer under his care is a big worry.

Please take care, and when he is in a good mood try and calmly explain that you love him so much and that it is very important to you that you work through your problems together and rationally, explain how it upsets you to see him frustrated.

Please think of the childrens happiness aswell, see if he can recognise that it will damage their confidence and happiness to see their parents not happy!

This is a very sensitive time for you both. Take things slowly and one thing at a time.

Good luck!

Original poster
unhappy1 · 29/08/2006 21:04

i do try and talk but feel im not listened to. his back is ok most of the time but when things arent going his way he seems to suffer. the sad thing about it is that im sitting here dreading him coming home, just because i dont have me time very often. even now its sorting kids out for bed! sad arent i? im even snapping at the kids, and i feel so bad but its how i feel, wanting to be on my own, my own space doing what i want and not worrying about others!

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sleepysooz · 29/08/2006 22:23

It's not bad wanting your own space at all, don't be too hard on yourself.

I have 2.10 yo twins, they are so demanding, I shout aswell. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't shout, yeh it's best to be calmer, but is that reality? who on this earth is so calm all the time? yeh it would also be nice if we could channel our frustrations other places than at the kids, its finding that place.

How long does dh disappear for, and does he normally come back with regrets and apologies, or does he come back feeling s--t and distant?

How about when he does return, giving him a big hug and saying I'm sorry that you feel this way, and offer him a shoulder, I know its you that needs it, but I'd try anything, even reverse phsycology!

It's probably all about him feeling that he is not supporting the family, not having work. He probably needs the closness of you for reassurance that you still value him as a person.

He obviously doesn't value himself and doesn't like himself at the moment, to feel so insecure to not have his feelings under control bothers him! Perhaps the only way he can feel in control is to have sex, so if everything around him was more secure with a secure job, a regularish sex life would probably perk him up a bit!

Sorry I'm clutching at straws here, I'm just typing my thoughts as quick as they appear, so I hope you can not be so fearful of his return, unless of course you have a reason to be worried.

I'd phone samaritans if things get too bad, you can talk things over, you need to unload some of this upset, especially if you're frightened, they have helped me on a few occasions. They don't judge, or tell you what to do!

Keep in touch

sleepysooz · 02/09/2006 13:05

unhappy1 - are you ok?

sleepysooz · 14/09/2006 22:47

unhappy - still here if you need an ear!

Original poster
unhappy1 · 28/09/2006 10:20

hello sleepysooz, sorry i havent been on for a while but unfortunately my mil passed away at the beginning of the month and things have been awkward. things havent changed much apart from more guilt trips......and found out that hes been ringing an offlicence in another town, in which he has got entered in phone as a friends number in which i told you about before, the one whos wife was said to have been killed xmas day! hopefully he is out on friday night and i will be on here. thank you for keeping in touch!

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sleepysooz · 30/09/2006 12:04

unhappy1 - sorry to hear about your mil - horrible time for both of you.

Careful you don't slip into the feeling sorry for DH road tooooo much, he will need more a positive and grounded route of sympathy, or he will use you for sex, when my mil died, my DH and I found her and my DH wanted more sex than ever, that security thing again, when they feel they need that extra closeness of something cause they have lost a huge love of their life.

If I'm wrong and it was just my predicament, I'm sorry, just telling you how it happened with us.

Keep in touch, take care!

sleepysooz · 12/10/2006 23:16

unhappy1 - still here if you need me

Original poster
unhappy1 · 19/10/2006 18:44

hi, are you there sleepysooz?

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Original poster
unhappy1 · 19/10/2006 18:49

not on for long, things are really bad! he will be back soon! will try and let you know how things are when i can. be here for a little while

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madamez · 19/10/2006 19:45

I have to say real alrm bells ringing here. I think this bloke is a potential if not an actual abuser and you would be better off without him. Yes, it's possible with time, therapy etc to turn an abuser into a worthwhile partner, but if you are in bad health and have kids with problems then you need to put you and the kids before this self-obsessed, self-pitying F*ck-up.
Best of luck.

Judy1234 · 19/10/2006 21:05

If his mother just died he must be feeling really terrible, surely. Isn't that part of the problem? It sounds like a lot more than a sex drive difference between you. Perhaps when the grieving process is going better for him it will all improve. I'm sure solace in sex helps a lot at those times.

You need to consider whether he wll read what you write here and if you're happy with that too.

divastrop · 19/10/2006 21:54

the problems were there before his mother died if u look at the dates.
hope you are ok unhappy1

sleepysooz · 20/10/2006 17:03

unhappy1, sorry yes I'm here, hope you are ok, its been twins 3rd birthday this week so havent kept up with post much, sorry!

please get some help, hope precious kiddies arn't involved. I will keep an eye out for you tonight, chin up!