Thank you for all of these comments. I have hidden my drugs and going to follow through with physio as was back in hospital on Weds for manipulation under anaesthetic by consultant. He reckons it could be another 6 months before I recover
Son referred urgently by GP in Jan to see psychiatrist. The NHS wait time for counselling was 18 weeks for assessment then 4 weeks - so he would not have had any help between Feb - June so we went down the private counsellor route which is costing £400 per month plus follow up private psychiatry at £280 a month. We also need to pay rent on private room he took on at uni at £369 PCM til July. We knew what it might cost and signed on to using long term savings. Husband now suggesting private guys have vested interest in stringing it out - which undermines the support he needs to give.
Son's Counsellor recommended a book which I have hard copy and on all kindles. Hubby not got past foreword in 6 weeks - prefers to play racing car games on phone when at rest.
Had I left him for the reasons all those years ago had then my solicitor said if I gave these reasons then the courts would have restricted his access to kids due to the inappropriate adrenalin activities he had done which he exposed them to and if I did not tell then he would have free access to do whatever he wanted with them on his weekends - I did not want the abnormality of the former for the kids as that seemed to punish them - or the risk of the latter - where I knew he would do stuff just to prove it was safe - so I stayed.
The trigger for seeing a solicitor was that I was out on a v low key work function. He was off ice climbing the next day in the Alps for a week. Unbeknown to me his 2 seater micro light plane was due for testing and if he left it until after his week ice climbing then it would have cost a lot more time and money to test. So instead of getting the girl next door to babysit (as regular) or ask me not to go out he took the kids down to the farm strip and told them to wait in the car. He then went flying with an instructor up to 50 miles radius away from the farm strip for 1 hour 45 mins. The kids were 7 and nearly 9. Of course they got out of the car. Other people - strangers fly from this farm. At any point the instructor could have asked him to land elsewhere and the weather or mechanical issues could have prevented him from returning. I got so upset at this neglect that I saw solicitor and then felt so trapped by the rock and hard place options I was in I got severely depressed. That's when he got a girl friend and was inviting her on holidays to the alps whilst at the same time coming away with me on a lets try to put this behind us trip to Italy
We have muddled along since then, had some better times with the kids who now are old enough not to need mum around to protect them. My mum and dad always said the most amount of happiness would be gained if we tried to stay together.
But forgive and forget is hard when the next problems come along and his reactions are to retreat into his work and run away on holiday or play stupid games on his phone. I end up being a nagging harpy and have to take the Valium just to stay calm. Meanwhile son is deteriorating and I can't stop it. We can't live off the money he brings in - he sold the plane recently for £7k has had to use half of that that to subsidise his monthly salary payments.
On a fairly regular basis he has to work away and with female colleagues. He has lied to me about this once about 17 months ago and all of the trust I had started to rebuild after the girl friend stuff just crumbled. I hit him with a plastic coat hanger on his chest in my fury and distress - not hard and not something I have repeated. I then took to spying on his emails and phone trying to check that he was telling the truth about other trips. That made him v cross. Last thing I found was in Feb this year - when I was still on crutches from op - was to his regular travelling work companion where he put "am now going to delete" at the end of the message. This regarded a day trip out and to visit a factory up north on a Friday. He had told me he was going alone and I said I would cook a nice meal for his lonely return. On his return he told me that he had travelled the long way back via the Peak District and visited all our old climbing haunts, forgetting to mention that he had this same companion with him, eaten a good pub lunch and was even later due to diverting to take her home. Her hubby beats her up and turns out done it again recently and she has left him. Hubby and she have plenty of long car journeys and overnight jobs together to become friends who share complaints about their partners- which he says is as far as it goes. But I feel undermined and driven into behaviours I hate in myself due to anxiety feeling unloved, not put first.
Last summer he knocked a wall down and ripped out large parts of kitchen and we need to sort it out - which I am trying to do but it's hard as enthusiasm low - can't drive to see kitchen places and rest of house messed up as a result.
If you met my husband you would find him charming, friendly, practical, even tempered - he can cook, will shop and lay fires. I know that if you provide the right environment for things to grow then this happens and that I can't seem to use this knowledge to make it work.
We have different interests as well as shared ones - but unlike in the past werarely go away together on shared stuff -due to his work - and given the choice he will go motor biking with a mate who lives 50 miles away. Even when we do it starts off with arguments usually started by me - as he says there's so much in the swamp that anytime something else happens like the Peak District lie - then all the other related bodies come out of the swamp. So he uses this - my argumentativeness as reason for not going away as well as not trusting son to be left. Any advice on how to be nicer company when you are seething mass of resentment? (Recent things which trigger the swamp -yet again you got me to the hospital late, picked me up late from my operation, couldn't be bothered to get me breakfast before 12 so I could take pain relief after hip replacement, why do you only take me out to Aldi and to nowhere else when I have been stuck in my village unable to drive since December ?). It all sounds trivial - but I guess I feel unloved and uncared for and then react by being unloveable
I am trying to break it down into chunks by working on hip fitness and son stuff - tho feeling undermined by husbands attitude.
I am strong ( there's too many other scary tales to bore you with) - but I would like to know if there are other folk out there who have got through this level of stuff and how?
I can't run away as I have got to get son straightened out, hip sorted and daughter through her AS and A2 exams - she wants to be a vet. So need some coping strategies please for next 18 months.