My husband is addicted to porn

[SlipperyWhenW3t]

I'm new to this forum and have joined specifically because I would desperately appreciate any advice from anybody who has experience with this sort of thing. Depending on how much time you have, I've written the full story or a short version.

Short story:
I'm 26, my husband is 29. We have been married nearly three years and together for just over five. Since fairly early in the relationship there have been serious problems with sexual compatibility but we were so head over heels in love, and continue to be so compatible and well-suited in every other respect, that I believed the issues could be fixed with time. In the last two and a half years the problem has mostly manifested in what appeared to be an almost complete lack of sex drive on his part. I have worked incredibly hard to try to fix the problem but unfortunately in the last three months have succumbed to the pressure of a serious attraction to a new colleague. In the last week my husband has admitted that the actual reason behind our problems is that he has been addicted to watching porn since he was 11. The association for him between porn and sexual gratification is so strong that he actually finds it almost impossible to get turned on by anything other than being left alone with a computer.

I have told him about the bare bones (excuse the pun) of my relationship with my colleague but he does not know the gory details. He says he would rather excuse an indiscretion than have me leave him, and thinks he can sort out his issues This is unfortunate timing as I have been waiting years for him to admit and address the real underlying issue, and am now struggling to give up the new-found sexual thrill of flirting with somebody else. Can anybody suggest a plan of attack for us to try and address this, get our sex life back on track, and rescue our marriage?

The (very, very) long story:
I met my now husband when I was 21; I am now 26 and we have been married nearly three years. He is three years older. We met online, which was a new experience for me. We fell in love very quickly. It was a real meeting of minds. I like and respect him more than any other man I've ever met. He is clever, funny, well-educated, extremely compassionate and shares most of my outlooks on life. We remain best friends, enjoy a nice life doing lots of things together, very rarely argue, and the emotional aspect of our marriage has been, until very recently, almost perfect. Initially our sex life was as you'd expect for a new couple - we had sex regularly and it was light-hearted and fun. However, as we started to commit emotionally and got engaged etc, I began to feel concerned and at times disturbed because the sex we had still seemed to always be very impersonal and at times I felt quite demeaned. He seemed to find it impossible to engage with me at all, and I often felt as if I could just be anybody, or even not there at all. To put it bluntly, I began to get upset that he was just fucking me and never making love to me. I expressed my concerns to him in what I hoped was a sensitive manner and for a very short while he seemed to make an effort, although to be honest his attempts at looking at me or talking to me during sex were often more disappointing than before I'd said anything. However, not long after this, our sex life began to tail off abruptly to, relatively speaking, almost nothing.

There have been peaks and troughs over the last four years, but mostly we have been in a situation where if we would have sex, we could easily go several weeks before it happened again. Inevitably he finishes extremely quickly and the sex itself is disappointing, which does not help encourage repeat episodes. For the vast majority of this period he has maintained that he simply has a low sex drive and does not know why. There have been countless promises to try and change/improve the situation, with occasional bouts of very short lived success, eg having sex twice in a week, before reverting to the norm. Initially I tried on my own to pinpoint what could be causing this low sex drive. We have no children, no pets, no dependent family members, no more stresses or money worries than the average couple our age, and of the two of us I am the one who works long hours with emergency, on call and night duties. I have tried everything in terms of the way I look, to try and increase his attraction to me. I have been curvier than usual, slimmer than usual, and now have settled on simply concentrating on being happy with myself, so I eat healthily and work out several times a week. My hair has been long, short, dark, blonde and every shade in between, trying to find a style he fancies more. I shave my legs, my bikini line is immaculate, I always wear nice matching sets of underwear and dress carefully. I am not particularly confident in my own looks but the point is I make a massive effort for him, and I figure I am not going to get any better looking than I am now as I grow older and have babies etc!

I have looked at ways I could be a better partner, I have asked him if there is anything in the way we interact that puts him off sex. I have asked him if it is confidence in himself that's lacking. I cook him healthy meals and try to encourage him to exercise. I have had him checked for all possible medical issues and he came back from the doctor with a very expensive prescription for medication to treat erectile dysfunction. That put us in an even stranger position because I assume the way to use that medication is wait til you're in the mood then take a pill - however because the issue seemed to be libido rather than a mechanical problem with 'getting it up' it was impossible to plan. I didn't feel particularly sexy saying "why don't you take a pill?"!! He took one and the rest remain untouched in our medicine cupboard. I tried literally hundreds of times explaining to him that the fact he didn't seem to want to sleep with me made me feel as if there was something wrong with me, that he didn't love me. I told him time and time again of the loneliness and isolation, the humiliation of not being able to tell anybody because I was so embarrassed, when everybody around me complained about having to pretend to be asleep or other ways to deflect their partners' constant demands for sex. I have told him how upset it makes me that I don't know how we could possibly hope to conceive, let alone what would become of our almost non-existent sex life once a baby or babies come along. I used to feel so excited at the idea of starting a family with him, but now it fills me with dread and anxiety. Nothing has changed.

The turning point has come in the last three months. I finally grew exhausted of trying to solve this problem on my own, feeling as though I was getting no help, and mostly of being starved of the feeling of being sexually attractive. I started a new job just before Christmas and from January onwards have been working with a colleague with whom I have sexual chemistry. Initially we were just very friendly, but I found myself pouring out all my troubles to him. His total bafflement at how I could have found myself in this situation stroked my ego massively and eased some of the stress of keeping this huge secret to myself. At first he was very respectful of the fact that I was married and really kept his distance but it was like something in me finally snapped and I am ashamed to say that following encouragement on my part, we have ended up spending two nights together. There is no great future in it emotionally and I am not in love with him, but the sex was eye-wateringly good and our flirty texting is like a drug to me that I am finding really hard to consider giving up. I have told my husband that there is something going on with this other guy, but I have not told him all the gory details. He is obviously not happy, but says he would rather excuse an indiscretion than have me leave him.

Unfortunately, my husband has picked the last week to finally admit to me that the real underlying issue in our own relationship is an addiction to porn. He was raised by a strict Catholic mother who taught him that sex was dirty and shameful. In rebellion against this, he has been looking at internet porn since he was 11 and now finds it almost impossible to become turned on by anything 'in real life'. He only finds himself getting in the mood once he is alone in the house with access to a computer. Doubly unfortunately, many years of trying to find new material to keep him entertained has inevitably led him to some very extreme, quite violent and very demeaning material, which sits badly with me as I was raped when I was 16. This means that normal sex with a normal person who wants him to look in her eyes and touch her, speak to her and engage with her as his loving partner holds absolutely zero appeal, and when he tries to do those things rather than just shut his eyes and think about things he's seen online, it results in him losing his erection. Naturally this makes me feel horrendous about myself and it has got to the point where between his admissions and my relationship with the other guy, I can't even bear the thought of my husband touching me.

Nevertheless, my husband now thinks that as he has admitted the real issue to both himself and me, he can get help to solve the problem. I do not want to split up, and I would love to get the marriage back on track, but I am finding it very hard to give up my secret life on the side (I am aware that is unacceptable regardless of the circumstances). If anybody has any words of advice or wisdom I would be desperately grateful. If anybody has actually read all this I am really impressed!!

When will those ranting about porn realise their rants switch a lot of people off?

I just wanted to make an observation, you've said you've told him this is his 'last chance'.

With any addiction, likelihood is that it's not as easy as just stopping. It will take time, a number of slips and will be an ongoing issue for the rest if his life.

Remember that in your context of 'last chance' as it's not that simple.

OP- I feel really bad for you. This is a horrendous situation.

I'm going to gloss over your affair because you said you have owned up to that, and you recognise it was a shitty thing to do.

You have made your decision, and have decided to stay with your husband. That's not what I would ever recommend, but it's your choice. However, do you have a time limit by which you need to see huge improvement by, in order to stay long term? Because otherwise you run a real risk of this continuing...indefinitely.

The sex will still be awful - if not worse. He won't feel a need to make any effort, since the cats out the bag (sorry, but any man who lies to your face and let's you cry in sadness and still not be honest with you, does not give enough of a shit about you to put your needs first). I'm not even sure how you feel about having sex with him now - knowing that he is having to think about women being (basically) abused online in order to stay hard, well, it's not exactly great for your self esteem is it?

I'm not going to rant about the industry as a whole, but from a personal perspective, can you respect him after this? Knowing that he seeks out and gets sexual gratification from seeing women being demeaned or mistreated? (even more so than just the porn standard)? How does that mesh with how he sees you, and other women, in daily life? Because he can't separate the two. It's blazingly clear that he can't, because otherwise he wouldn't be carrying those views into the bedroom with you.

Maybe I am totally wrong here, but it almost sounds like the two of you have a very close, deep platonic relationship. From the sounds of it, the sex has never been good, so it's not like you know there is a good standard to get back to. Plus the manner in which you describe him...it just comes across as sort of platonic. That's not meant to be an insult to you - it's just something to think about.

Overall you honestly need to avoid getting stuck in a situation where you are still desperately unhappy, but you don't feel able to leave because he is getting help. These are his issue, not yours. He had long enough to come clean, and has been openly lying to you for you entire relationship.

You honestly owe him absolutely nothing. Please don't end up staying in this relationship for years out of a sense of obligation. You are worth more than that.

OP, does your DH know that you've had sex with another man because you've described it in the 'short version' as flirting....?

If anybody's still reading this thread...hi!
So, I left my husband, at the beginning of May, and moved out. Ended things with the OM and have been pretty miserable since but am keeping busy. Despite best efforts I don't seem able to move forward. I still feel like I am married and desperately miss him.
Some really good points raised by subsequent posters that I have been trying to figure out in my own head. Even though I left, DH seems to have been trying to improve himself. He has given up porn cold turkey and has mostly stopped masturbating. He tells me he has been doing a lot of soul searching. We are having dinner next week so I will be interested to see how he is doing.

KoalaKoo: I was really relieved to read the sane comments you made about the degree of extremism in porn. Having spoken about this with my DH in more depth since my first post, I now know that he doesn't get off on violence or the degradation of women. For him it is just the ego boost and instant gratification of only thinking of himself and not having to satisfy a real living person. In his own words, "with porn, I could be a stud. I wanted you to worship me, and you wanted to be partners". Sex for him is so wrapped up with low self esteem and anxiety that porn is the perfect partner - no expectations, no judgement! He isn't watching anything I would consider extreme, and like you, I enjoy a certain amount of rough or kinky sex and am perfectly well adjusted.

kaykayblue: I have thought a lot about what you said about whether our relationship is platonic. That for me is the million dollar question. I know that my love for him was and is definitely romantic, but because of his issues, I cannot tell whether he sees me romantically but cannot express this sexually, or whether he only sees me platonically but cannot recognise this. I am thinking about couples therapy to see if we can discover the truth.

TonyThePony: yes, he knows. He said he felt he had driven me to it. I did go into a little more detail in my short version but the reason I mentioned flirting specifically was because the affair was mostly based on texting and sending pictures, and that was the part that I was finding most difficult to give up.

The very same thing led me to have an affair and we seperated
Three years later he came back and I felt so guilty until I discovered he had been seeing prostitutes the whole of our marriage . He had put it in a box and seemed to think it had nothing to do with RL! Amazingly revolting . Don't want you to do the same thing . God I was so naive.

I can sympathise with the two sided relationship issue. I too have had a relationship which was quite perfect emotionally and intellectually and we were very compatible to live together, gave each other the right amount of space, loved doing things together. But when it came to sex it was like we were having a bad one night stand every time. It lasted about 3 minutes, he was very dominant, unavailable, barely looked at me and became weirdly forceful (NOT rape). Every time it was over, he started cuddling me and we'd go back to compatability mode.

It was very hard to see the relationship as bad when 80% of our day to day life was so good - better than other relationships I'd had and could see my friends having.

I will go against the grain here and say that the connection you have with your DH - if it really is as good as you describe - is worth holding in to.

Before you give up I think he needs therapy to deal with his mother issues, and when he's ready, you both need to go and see a sex therapist.

What do you miss about him? The conversation? The closeness? Is it "a marriage" you miss, or YOUR marriage?

It reads a bit like you weren't ready to move on. That you wanted to, but emotionally you haven't detached in that way.

It's difficult to leave someone because you think it's best for you when you still love and care for them. The love and care is the hardest part. When the love dies you can just close off and move on.

What do you want from your husband? Do you want to try again? Start your relationship again from scratch? Or do you want him back as a friend?

You need to figure out what YOU want. Consider seeing someone to talk about your concerns.

Hi OP,

Thank you for coming back to update. It's always good to see the decision that people eventually decide to go with when they have posted about a dilemma.

I just wanted to come back on your update. Personally, I think that you have made the right decision, and how you are feeling now is part of the natural process of a long term relationship ending. It really is almost a mourning process. I honestly believe that when you see him for dinner you will have an amazing, fabulous time. But part of that will be because the pressure is now off. Now you are no longer a couple, you don't have to deal with the pain and hurt and plummeting self esteem on the intimate side of the relationship. Try not to lose sight of that. But for all the great conversation and laughs and whatnot, the very serious sex issue is always going to be the elephant in the room.

This man has been using porn since he was a child. It's been a huge part of him all throughout his formative years. Whilst he is now getting help with it, that is simply not something that gets "fixed" after a few months of therapy and "soul searching". Sadly, even if he stops completely, the effects are likely to continue for many years to come, if they ever truly go away. His entire attitude to sex has been formed around dominance and power. He says as much himself, in so much as he wanted you to "worship" him and treat him like a "stud".

I'd also like to point out that marriage, life, children...all of that...it's bloody hard work. If you were to get back together, whenever times get difficult, or your sex life becomes even more disrupted (think: childbirth and babies), the temptation for him to fall back on deeply ingrained habits is going to be overwhelming at best.

One final point - for all the fun you have with this man, it is a cold, hard fact that good marriages are built on trust, communication and respect. He has lied to you throughout your entire relationship, and let you take all the blame for an issue that he always knew was his own. For all your efforts to get him to open up to you, he steadfastly refused to communicate the real issue. He has had absolutely zero respect for your own self worth, or your pleasure or needs.

In simple terms, your marriage has always been built on sand. There are no real foundations there. Whilst you are gone, he has an impetus to change. If you go back, that very quickly starts to corrode.

Please do consider enjoying this last dinner with him and then going no contact. It's the only way that you will be able to move on.

Only a new love can replace an old love, and there's no reason why you shouldn't find someone who can offer you a genuine marriage.

You had an affair... and it's your husband's fault.

curiouSir - hey, the train to Pointsville just departed from platform 3 and you aren't on it.

And that's an immature way of saying what?

I left my husband, at the beginning of May, and moved out... He has given up porn cold turkey and has mostly stopped masturbating.

How do you know this, are you just taking his word for it?

Fairenuff, I literally have nothing to say to you. There is something really wrong with you.

Everybody else, dinner was lovely. He seems to be doing very well. kaykayblue, I think your points about interruptions in our sex life later on with kids etc are really important and I will take them on board. hugefatso I was also really touched to hear your thoughts about the connection on a day to day level. I have to agree. This man is my best friend, my match on most views, my intellectual partner and somebody I have always have time to listen to and something to say to. We have conversations as intense now as the first few months we were together. I know we will still have things to say to each other in fifty years and I also know that he would be a brilliant parent who would do anything possible to support me raising kids. For me personally, that is worth a lot more than crazy sex. I would take a marriage like that a thousand times over one where the physical connection was insane but the relationship made me miserable. Personally I think that long term, sex always mellows and it is impossible to sustain a sex life that is the same as when you first meet somebody. That is the compromise most of us see as worthwhile in return for a fulfilling partnership. Therefore if he could learn to express his love for me with intimacy, I would be more than satisfied. I don't need him to go three times a night, just three times a week! Watch this space.

I don't know why you had a problem with my post, it was quite an innocuous question.

Do you not even wonder yourself if he has really given up porn? This is a man who had/has an 18 year problem with porn, throughout his whole life, from the age of 11. It led to him finding it almost impossible to get turned on by anything other than being left alone with a computer and yet, within weeks he is seemingly over it?

If it were that easy, he could have done that when you were together. So either he chose not to because you weren't that important to him, or he could not stop himself, in which case he will certainly still be struggling now.

What professional help has he sought? Is he having counselling or what?

Tbh it doesn't sound to me like he is actually doing anything to address this but that he is telling you all the right words. Fine, if that's what you want but just be aware that in effect, nothing has really changed.

You seem pretty confident OP so I wish you luck.

From a different perspective though, you are so young, you have no kids, and this guy has a huge and serious problem that there may be no coming back from.

At 43 I'm old enough to be your mother. If I was your mother I'd say move on, leave this guy and enjoy life.

I had an intellectual soulmate when I was younger too, the connection was simply amazing. But the relationship didn't thrive because he had so many issues and I hate drama.

I'm with a relatively boring guy now and life is settled and very good. I also enjoyed being single.

It's just so easy to say the right stuff when faced with the breakdown of a relationship. Really meaning it and sustaining it, that's another matter.

Fairenuff is telling it like it is but the truth is too hard for some people to take. Maybe you need counselling to find out why you twisted and turned yourself inside out to make yourself attractive enough for him? Personally I find the thought of a partner wanking themselves silly totally repugnant and at best immature. Feel sorry for the people who shake hands with them!

I have to agree that it's highly unlikely he's genuinely stopped with the porn, - he would say that wouldn't he? Is he doing a 12 step sex addict programme? Or seeing a therapist regularly?

If has stopped so suddenly, was he genuinely an addict, and if he is an addict, I highly doubt he has or will stick to non-indulgence.

I'm not sure why you think he will make such a great father, addicts rarely do. Someone who lied to you about something so fundamental to the relationship for so long, and let you go on thinking you were somehow at fault - that self-absorption, lack of honesty and disregard for your wellbeing - could cause all kinds of problems through the stresses and strains of chidlrearing. There's a coldness and lack of empathy evident in his behaviour that I would be concerned about if I were you.

Learning to express love with intimacy - you're asking a 29 year old man to change fundamentally his character and behaviour. He may simply not be able to do that.

It's unwise to sign up for a relationship with hope for change.

Hi - I am new to the thread, which I came across as I was desperately searching for anyone online who could help me, having just learned three nights ago from my partner of three years that he was addicted to porn and had been using it throughout our relationship - everything you wrote resonated with me, I might as well have written it myself, the descriptions of the detached sexlife, the constant trying to be more attractive and desirable and getting nowhere, at the same time him being my best friend and soulmate, most of all the times I broke down and cried and begged him to tell me what was wrong.
Pretty much the only differences are 1) I wasn't seeing anyone else (to be honest my selfconfidence is too low to entertain that idea) and 2) he says the porn he watches, images and videos, is "standard" (whatever that means), rather than having to be more extreme as he's gone on - obviously I only have his word on that, which doesn't count for much right now, and 3) he isn't a catholic, although he did start using porn at the same kind of age as your partner, and has told me he has used it throughout his adult life (he is now 40).
I feel completely devastated, who was that person I thought I knew - he says the relationship wasn't a lie, it's just that there was a big lie in it. He is appalled at the idea of losing me, he says he will do anything to try and save our relationship, and wants to go to counselling.
I want to be supportive and I don't want to make him regret having opened up about this and asked for help, but at the same time I feel physically sick at the thought of the pain he has put me through over the last two years. He saw me crying and begging for help and changing my clothes, my hair, just like you, and yet he stood by and did nothing, not only didn't admit it, but didn't even keep it secret but at least stop doing it. He says he has only now realised the damage it has done, he thought it could be "kept in a box", but how could he see my pain and do nothing about it, this is what I can't seem to accept.
I found the whole thread to be really useful reading, including your update, and I wondered if you had any final note to add on your experience, or any advice for me? I know it is one of the oldest stories in the book, but it is so new to me and I am finding it really hard to deal with.

The Porn Trap is another good book to read. Interesting thread for me too as my husband was a porn addict.

OP you are amazing. I hope it works out for you

Sincerely wish you happiness OP.

Thankyou Topsy44, that book was definitely very worth reading, and I also came across the 'Your Brain on Porn' website which has some helpful further links and resources. I'm now four weeks in from the initial revelation, my partner has gone cold turkey and says he is feeling better than he has done in years, partly with the relief of the dark secret being finally out in the open (he has come clean with some of his close friends and one parent), also physically and mentally on a personal level, and because he feels/hopes our struggling relationship now finally has a chance. The main hardship for him seems to be guilt and regret, and seeing the pain he has caused me. I on the other hand am struggling every day with overwhelming feelings of complete lack of self worth and personal despair, confusion over what to believe from our past, given that it was all coloured by a massive ongoing deception, questioning about whether there was ever any real romantic/sexual love there, and finding it very difficult to trust what he says now about me and the future. The damage has started to extend beyond the immediate feelings of betrayal and loss of trust, into deeper territory, opening up old personal wounds from my history which I'd thought long sealed up. After the initial relief at being given an explanation that made sense of the experience of the last three years - and gratefulness at his being brave enough to admit it for the first time in his life, I guess I am now dealing with the trauma that inevitably follows such a discovery.

I haven't read the whole thread but I went through this with my ex h. I told him how I felt , unattractive etc, in the end I divorced him. It wasn't until I said I want out that he admitted to his love of porn.
Life is too short to feel this shit, especially at your young age. You can meet someone new in time.

This story saddens me so much because it's the story of my married life. My strong advice to you is to walk away. Don't waste any more of your life changing anything about yourself for this man because it will make zero difference. I have been with my husband for ten years, married for five. His previous wife left him 'for no reason' and I thought it must have been she that had the problem because he was such an amazing man, a wonderful catch! Very soon into our relationship, 6 mtgs, he became totally disinterested in sex. He told me it was because we'd had a 2 week holiday at a friend's house and he couldn't have sex with someone else in the house. The sex never recovered. I talked to him about having a baby, but that was going to be impossible with sex once a month. I lost weight, put on weight, dyed my hair, had it long/ cut it short, flirted in front of him, didn't flirt in front of him etc...etc... 10 years on and in desperation we went to see a Counselor, after our third session he admitted to me that all this time his sexual gratification had been through porn and DIY. I can't even ask him what he's been watching because I'm worried about the answer (I've always kept faith that he's a good man). Yet, here I am, a couple of years away from 50, no babies, no loving relationship, writing this crying in bed, next to my husband who hasn't touched me (even for a hug) in 18 mths and it's Christmas Day, so painted smiles all round today. Please don't make the same mistake, walk away, in fact.... RUN!

Zombie