My husband is addicted to porn

[SlipperyWhenW3t]

I'm new to this forum and have joined specifically because I would desperately appreciate any advice from anybody who has experience with this sort of thing. Depending on how much time you have, I've written the full story or a short version.

Short story:
I'm 26, my husband is 29. We have been married nearly three years and together for just over five. Since fairly early in the relationship there have been serious problems with sexual compatibility but we were so head over heels in love, and continue to be so compatible and well-suited in every other respect, that I believed the issues could be fixed with time. In the last two and a half years the problem has mostly manifested in what appeared to be an almost complete lack of sex drive on his part. I have worked incredibly hard to try to fix the problem but unfortunately in the last three months have succumbed to the pressure of a serious attraction to a new colleague. In the last week my husband has admitted that the actual reason behind our problems is that he has been addicted to watching porn since he was 11. The association for him between porn and sexual gratification is so strong that he actually finds it almost impossible to get turned on by anything other than being left alone with a computer.

I have told him about the bare bones (excuse the pun) of my relationship with my colleague but he does not know the gory details. He says he would rather excuse an indiscretion than have me leave him, and thinks he can sort out his issues This is unfortunate timing as I have been waiting years for him to admit and address the real underlying issue, and am now struggling to give up the new-found sexual thrill of flirting with somebody else. Can anybody suggest a plan of attack for us to try and address this, get our sex life back on track, and rescue our marriage?

The (very, very) long story:
I met my now husband when I was 21; I am now 26 and we have been married nearly three years. He is three years older. We met online, which was a new experience for me. We fell in love very quickly. It was a real meeting of minds. I like and respect him more than any other man I've ever met. He is clever, funny, well-educated, extremely compassionate and shares most of my outlooks on life. We remain best friends, enjoy a nice life doing lots of things together, very rarely argue, and the emotional aspect of our marriage has been, until very recently, almost perfect. Initially our sex life was as you'd expect for a new couple - we had sex regularly and it was light-hearted and fun. However, as we started to commit emotionally and got engaged etc, I began to feel concerned and at times disturbed because the sex we had still seemed to always be very impersonal and at times I felt quite demeaned. He seemed to find it impossible to engage with me at all, and I often felt as if I could just be anybody, or even not there at all. To put it bluntly, I began to get upset that he was just fucking me and never making love to me. I expressed my concerns to him in what I hoped was a sensitive manner and for a very short while he seemed to make an effort, although to be honest his attempts at looking at me or talking to me during sex were often more disappointing than before I'd said anything. However, not long after this, our sex life began to tail off abruptly to, relatively speaking, almost nothing.

There have been peaks and troughs over the last four years, but mostly we have been in a situation where if we would have sex, we could easily go several weeks before it happened again. Inevitably he finishes extremely quickly and the sex itself is disappointing, which does not help encourage repeat episodes. For the vast majority of this period he has maintained that he simply has a low sex drive and does not know why. There have been countless promises to try and change/improve the situation, with occasional bouts of very short lived success, eg having sex twice in a week, before reverting to the norm. Initially I tried on my own to pinpoint what could be causing this low sex drive. We have no children, no pets, no dependent family members, no more stresses or money worries than the average couple our age, and of the two of us I am the one who works long hours with emergency, on call and night duties. I have tried everything in terms of the way I look, to try and increase his attraction to me. I have been curvier than usual, slimmer than usual, and now have settled on simply concentrating on being happy with myself, so I eat healthily and work out several times a week. My hair has been long, short, dark, blonde and every shade in between, trying to find a style he fancies more. I shave my legs, my bikini line is immaculate, I always wear nice matching sets of underwear and dress carefully. I am not particularly confident in my own looks but the point is I make a massive effort for him, and I figure I am not going to get any better looking than I am now as I grow older and have babies etc!

I have looked at ways I could be a better partner, I have asked him if there is anything in the way we interact that puts him off sex. I have asked him if it is confidence in himself that's lacking. I cook him healthy meals and try to encourage him to exercise. I have had him checked for all possible medical issues and he came back from the doctor with a very expensive prescription for medication to treat erectile dysfunction. That put us in an even stranger position because I assume the way to use that medication is wait til you're in the mood then take a pill - however because the issue seemed to be libido rather than a mechanical problem with 'getting it up' it was impossible to plan. I didn't feel particularly sexy saying "why don't you take a pill?"!! He took one and the rest remain untouched in our medicine cupboard. I tried literally hundreds of times explaining to him that the fact he didn't seem to want to sleep with me made me feel as if there was something wrong with me, that he didn't love me. I told him time and time again of the loneliness and isolation, the humiliation of not being able to tell anybody because I was so embarrassed, when everybody around me complained about having to pretend to be asleep or other ways to deflect their partners' constant demands for sex. I have told him how upset it makes me that I don't know how we could possibly hope to conceive, let alone what would become of our almost non-existent sex life once a baby or babies come along. I used to feel so excited at the idea of starting a family with him, but now it fills me with dread and anxiety. Nothing has changed.

The turning point has come in the last three months. I finally grew exhausted of trying to solve this problem on my own, feeling as though I was getting no help, and mostly of being starved of the feeling of being sexually attractive. I started a new job just before Christmas and from January onwards have been working with a colleague with whom I have sexual chemistry. Initially we were just very friendly, but I found myself pouring out all my troubles to him. His total bafflement at how I could have found myself in this situation stroked my ego massively and eased some of the stress of keeping this huge secret to myself. At first he was very respectful of the fact that I was married and really kept his distance but it was like something in me finally snapped and I am ashamed to say that following encouragement on my part, we have ended up spending two nights together. There is no great future in it emotionally and I am not in love with him, but the sex was eye-wateringly good and our flirty texting is like a drug to me that I am finding really hard to consider giving up. I have told my husband that there is something going on with this other guy, but I have not told him all the gory details. He is obviously not happy, but says he would rather excuse an indiscretion than have me leave him.

Unfortunately, my husband has picked the last week to finally admit to me that the real underlying issue in our own relationship is an addiction to porn. He was raised by a strict Catholic mother who taught him that sex was dirty and shameful. In rebellion against this, he has been looking at internet porn since he was 11 and now finds it almost impossible to become turned on by anything 'in real life'. He only finds himself getting in the mood once he is alone in the house with access to a computer. Doubly unfortunately, many years of trying to find new material to keep him entertained has inevitably led him to some very extreme, quite violent and very demeaning material, which sits badly with me as I was raped when I was 16. This means that normal sex with a normal person who wants him to look in her eyes and touch her, speak to her and engage with her as his loving partner holds absolutely zero appeal, and when he tries to do those things rather than just shut his eyes and think about things he's seen online, it results in him losing his erection. Naturally this makes me feel horrendous about myself and it has got to the point where between his admissions and my relationship with the other guy, I can't even bear the thought of my husband touching me.

Nevertheless, my husband now thinks that as he has admitted the real issue to both himself and me, he can get help to solve the problem. I do not want to split up, and I would love to get the marriage back on track, but I am finding it very hard to give up my secret life on the side (I am aware that is unacceptable regardless of the circumstances). If anybody has any words of advice or wisdom I would be desperately grateful. If anybody has actually read all this I am really impressed!!

neiljames77, yes I do see him in a different light, absolutely. I am so disappointed and feel like my expectations have been seriously let down. But really I feel like I have been seeing him in a different light gradually for quite some time, because he has allowed me to put myself through hell over this.

You know him better than anyone else and I understand that you don't want to feel that you're abandoning him when he needs help. He clearly does need help but maybe he should get it independently because you need to think about your own well being.

Let's also not forget the OP has done her fair share too. Some may say she was pushed into it, but it is always a choice to be unfaithful before you have left a marriage. There is a lot to deal with here, OP, but I think it's important that you both come clean. You can then build up the marriage again, with forgiveness etc. It may help him see what the marriage has come to. At the moment, your dh is probably feeling like dirt (which is necessary), but he is going to be very, very angry later if he finds out about what you've done and you didn't say anything. Time for some honest talking, maybe even time apart, but it can still survive.

Agree with merry marigold, there isn't anyway to go unless there is honesty

Short version: Leave him.

Long version: He won't touch you intimately and watches nasty porn. I'm sorry he has problems but staying with him is not going to help. Therapy might or might not work but this is no way to live. Jumping into a situation with a colleague is a mistake. Don't be fooled into thinking you can keep two worlds separate. You should go now while you still have some self-respect.

I agree that this is not about the porn itself, but addiction to the darker end indicates more complicated issues than were it simply mainstream sex, and may prove harder to resolve. My approach is practical rather than moral, it's not about judging him but protecting yourself.

If somebody came on here and said that they were compulsively eating Aero bars and it was ruining their marriage, I am assuming you would not start accusing them of enjoying killing orangutans for palm oil

And there it is - denial.

Regardless of whether he goes online today, the industry will keep rumbling on and churning this material out

Here is it again - deny and accept the abuse of women.

My husband is not solely responsible for what those women go through, it is a society-wide problem

He is a member of society and is contributing to it. Until you accept this, nothing will change for you. You seem to not care one jot for those poor women, so why do you expect anyone to care about you and you minor problems.

Are you having your arse ripped open for another man's pleasure? No? Well that's ok then, you can minimise what he's doing and whinge on about your own selfish problems.

Ffs woman, have a care. These poor women in extreme, violent, sexually aggressive porn do not have the luxury that you are indulging in. You make me feel physically sick.

Crikey fairenuff.
We are all guilty of wrong behaviour. I wear clothes from the high street that are probably made by sweatshop workers and children for pennies. I have probably eaten meat from horrid slaughterhouses where animals are treated inhumanly. Yes the op's other half should not have been looking at such porn, but the reality is these things are a few clicks away. Not acceptable by any means but it happens.
Of course if we are anti porn, and partners use it, first and foremost it is natural to think of how it effects us and our relationship. The lies, deceit, rejection and self esteem. Yes how women in porn are treated is an issue, but our first instincts are the impact in ourselves and our own relationships.

The thing is though Fairenuff, we can only look at this as impartial outsiders and view the facts accordingly. The op can't. She'll naturally gloss over things for the sake of her relationship. She won't be thinking clearly at the moment because she is the one in the middle of it all.

I wear clothes from the high street that are probably made by sweatshop workers and children for pennies. I have probably eaten meat from horrid slaughterhouses where animals are treated inhumanly.

But do you actively seek it out just so that you can have an orgasm Tired?

People can try to excuse it but there is no excuse is there. OP is condoning it because all she cares about is her own relationship.

Pathetic

In all honesty, in your position I would leave. He clearly has a very deep rooted addiction which will be difficult to get rid of. I am going through similar with my husband although he has been using gay porn! Were it not for my DS, i would have left by now 100%! As you have no kids, I would leave. I guess it comes down to do you feel that he can still be special to you after he has behaved like this? x

Honestly Fairenuff I would love to hear a) exactly what you want me personally to do to stop the abuse of women in the porn industry and b) what YOU have done personally to help the situation. You seem to have very strong opinions about this, and that's pretty understandable, but you don't seem to have a very clear idea about what you want to actually be done. I haven't defended my husband at all - the entire point of me starting this thread was because I find his behaviour unacceptable so I am really, really confused as to why I am being painted as somebody saying that what he is doing is ok and not a big deal. I'm merely pointing out it's not personally his fault that the industry exists! As Tiredstilltired says, we all do things in life that directly or indirectly cause suffering to others. I'm not sure why you've latched onto this particular issue, almost everybody in the Western world contributes to unthinkable suffering, sweat shops being just one example. I'm not sure why it's worse to actively seek it out, I think there's something particularly unpleasant about being oblivious to your actions myself. I think it sounds like there's something going on in your own life and I'm obviously sorry for you, but don't take it out on the thread :/

fairenuff you want to champion the cause of vulnerable women and protect them from abuse? And yet you come on here and call a woman who is asking for support pathetic , you belittle her problems and call her selfish

Who are you to decide who deserves compassion?

Well said mrsthor.

Putting to one side the general issue of porn (though if you do stay with him, it would obviously need to be dealt with), Would you consider taking a break for a while? While not throwing him out on his ear, or deciding to end the marriage, it would give you a chance to stand on your own two feet for a bit, to see that being alone isn't so scary, to wear your hair whatever colour you like, be what size you like, and just be your self for a bit.

At the same time, you could still be there for him, attend couples counselling, talk to him a lot how you felt, about how he felt, about the images he was looking at and their implications, and also, you will have to own up about the other guy. You both need to go forward with complete honesty.

If you can get through that, and if you trust he's truly changed- then you still have a chance?

OP my point is not about you personally preventing the abuse of women. Unfortunately, whilst you can make your stance known by refusing to condone it, you cannot stop it. But you are not doing that, you are excusing his behaviour and making out that he cant help himself. Of course he can help himself if he wants to. It's like all addictions, he has to want to stop first before he will.

You are condoning it by allowing it in your house. Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, but you are.

My point is that it takes a certain kind of person to enjoy watching others being abused. Yet you say you love and respect him. How can you love a man who thinks of women as pieces of meat to be used and abused for his own sexual gratification.

I call it pathetic because it is. The meaning of pathetic - arousing pity, through sadness, etc. which is why I put a sad face - is an accurate description of you OP.

This man does not like women and does not consider them equal to him or worthy of equality and respect. Look at how he is treating you:

I have been waiting years for him to admit and address the real underlying issue

the sex we had still seemed to always be very impersonal and at times I felt quite demeaned.

He seemed to find it impossible to engage with me at all, and I often felt as if I could just be anybody, or even not there at all

his attempts at looking at me or talking to me during sex were often more disappointing than before I'd said anything

There have been countless promises to try and change/improve the situation

he has allowed me to put myself through hell over this

It is incredibly sad that you think this is all you are worth.

And look how hard you have tried to please him:

I have tried everything in terms of the way I look, to try and increase his attraction to me

I have been curvier than usual, slimmer than usual

My hair has been long, short, dark, blonde and every shade in between, trying to find a style he fancies more

I shave my legs, my bikini line is immaculate, I always wear nice matching sets of underwear and dress carefully

I have looked at ways I could be a better partner, I have asked him if there is anything in the way we interact that puts him off sex

And what has he done?

I tried literally hundreds of times explaining to him that the fact he didn't seem to want to sleep with me made me feel as if there was something wrong with me

I told him time and time again of the loneliness and isolation, the humiliation of not being able to tell anybody because I was so embarrassed

Nothing has changed

Nothing changed because, as far as he is concerned, your needs don't matter. You have made it crystal clear how you feel and he just doesn't care.

Nevertheless, my husband now thinks that as he has admitted the real issue to both himself and me, he can get help to solve the problem.

He might have a 'problem' which is causing him to become addicted to porn, but where is his revulsion and horror at what these women are put through? All he does is watch it and wank over it. He doesn't care about them, just like he doesn't care about you.

He genuinely believes that those women are there for his use and that the only 'problem' is that it is preventing him from having natural, loving, sexual relations with women. He is completely separating sex from the individual person and thinks of them more as 'objects' than full, rounded individuals with lives, relationships, children, friends, etc.

This is his mindset and it's real. Counselling might not be able to change it. Ever. His attitude towards women is appalling.

What steps has he taken, himself, not you, to start addressing this porn problem? Is he still watching it now?

Good luck OP. You might it useful to look on some of the addiction websites, which have threads for partners of addicts (where they are not judgemental as they are going through the same thing), your DH may find these useful too. Also if you have Sky or Virgin, you can now block porn sites through the wifi. I feel for you as I have been in a similar situation with my DH and I believe they can stop if they really want to.

I was brought up a catholic. They have a lot to answer to. I was beaten with in an inch of my life because I was caught with an educational type book of sexual positions

My short advice would be leave him. My DP has porn addiction and the only thing that kept me here is our DS. Would have left otherwise as while i hope he is recovering (so he says), the intimate side of the relationship is quite frankly, shit and i dont have 100% trust in what he says. I have huge anger towards him. I'm going to bed now but might expand a bit more tomorrow.

You have no children, you are only 26 and in your position and knowing what you know i would leave.

"OP my point is not about you personally preventing the abuse of women. Unfortunately, whilst you can make your stance known by refusing to condone it, you cannot stop it. But you are not doing that, you are excusing his behaviour and making out that he cant help himself. Of course he can help himself if he wants to. It's like all addictions, he has to want to stop first before he will."

I feel like you've read the first post and nothing since, and possibly not even that. I'm not making out he can't help himself AT ALL, he knows he is an addict and he's just gone to his first therapy session to try and treat the addiction.

"You are condoning it by allowing it in your house. Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, but you are."

So something was happening in my house without my knowledge and because I live there too, it's my fault?! Really?!!

"My point is that it takes a certain kind of person to enjoy watching others being abused. Yet you say you love and respect him. How can you love a man who thinks of women as pieces of meat to be used and abused for his own sexual gratification."

Is love so black and white? Do we have an off switch? Is it so bizarre that I might still love somebody despite bad behaviour on their part? Am I the first person to ever be in this situation?

"I call it pathetic because it is. The meaning of pathetic - arousing pity, through sadness, etc. which is why I put a sad face sad - is an accurate description of you OP."

I think you're really condescending and unpleasant.

"What steps has he taken, himself, not you, to start addressing this porn problem? Is he still watching it now?"

For the umpteenth time, no, he has stopped completely, and is seeking professional help. Please stop commenting because you are worse than useless.

Everybody else:
Thank you all again. I have been doing a huge amount of thinking this week. He went to his first therapy session yesterday and seems really positive and thinks it's going to be possible to get better. I've warned him that I'm not sure I have the wherewithal anymore to support him in his recovery and that I might want to call it a day and he understands. I said to him that he needs to want to get better for himself and not just because he's trying to stop me leaving, otherwise the pressure is too much. At the moment I really feel like I can actually see two lives ahead of me, but I'm just not sure which path to take. I am aware that if he could fix this problem there is the possibility we could move forward and be happier than we've ever been, but I am also wary of it all ending up as yet more broken promises and finding myself back in the same situation after an initial promising improvement further down the line.

Good luck SlipperyWhenW3t.
You're in a real dilemma and I hope it works out for you.
It's best you do this separately so he can hopefully, get help and give you time to evaluate everything and think of your own well being.

Is it so bizarre that I might still love somebody despite bad behaviour on their part?

You love someone who likes to watch women being sexually abused. Yes, that's bizarre. But at least he has stopped and is seeking help.

Are you also going to have counselling for yourself? I think it might help to talk all this over with a professional. Good luck.

I know you been through SlipperyWhenW3t, I my self like your husband is also addict in online porn at first I didn't accept it at first but it happen so fast that me and my wife almost separate its other because of my addiction. One day when I finally told her about my doings, we talk about this and finally found a way for me to help myself in this site: greatnessahead.com their program really help me a lot, gave my life back and save our marriage.

Op actually with yr dh admission i think you can work this out if you both wanted to, but it will be a long hard road and you will need to set yourself some firm boundaries.

Firstly you must cut all contact with om if you want to invest in making a go of it.

Secondly your husband needs long term ongoing therapy, counselling, maybe cbt, with specialists, not just personal or marriage counsellors.

It will take a long time for him to resensitise himself to real life, but as the earlier poster said, it can be done. Are you aware op that even persistent regular "death grip" masterbation can spoil a mans sex life without any porn being involved? So he has a lot of work to do.

I am not sure what you mean by extreme porn, but I have read that much/most porn apparently includes "rough sex" of some type nowadays, he hasnt necessarily sought out violence or degradation. In fact this type of sex can easily be part of a mutual loving and very vanilla sexual relationship as it is consensual (a certain degree of "rough sex" is part of mine).

Please ignore any soap boxing about your or his contribution to abuse in the porn industry as this isnt going to help your real life marriage one bit!

Oh yeah, and if you are in the uk and if he wants to do so, you can get all main porn video sites blocked from outside your home network by contacting your isp. No doubt you can still find porn if you do this, but perhaps that extra step or two in accessing it would help the addict who wants to stop?