Is it normal to tell a boy/girl friend, partner, date, husband/wife to f- off?

[newsecretidentity]

Just that, really. I'm a sweary person, and I enjoy a good rant as much as the next person. I don't mind swearing in jest, and I usually find it funny.

But when it gets serious, I'm just not sure I'm ok with being told to "Fuck Off", by a significant other when they're annoyed with me. Am I being too sensitive?

Nope you're not.

Bugger. The other party doesn't seem to see any problem, as in I annoyed him and therefore he says fuck off to tell me he's annoyed and there's an end of it. And even a day later, when it's clear that I'm upset with it, he feels that it's a normal "teething problem" within a relationship.

For me, the problem is that I'm not so sure I want to be in a relationship with someone who tells me to fuck off. Like, if I accept it then I'm telling him that it's ok to do that whenever I accidentally annoy him.

Nope. It's not normal,it's not ok.
I expect that there are some couples who manage happily if they both feel it's ok. But I think it's not usual.

It depends how it's said, doesn't it? DH and I will say "oh do fuck off dear" when we're teasing/winding each other up but it's really code for "stop taking the piss now" and it's not significant. If it's said with malice or aggression it's not OK.

It's up to you to decide what is normal or acceptable to you in your relationship. If it upsets you then obviously it's no ok for you.

not* ok for you

That's just the thing though, isn't it.. It is said in an argument and then it feels like an act of aggression, right? I am not happy with it and do not feel it's okay. And I do have a sweary mouth. But I do not swear at him and don't want him swearing at me.

Oh, double bugger. Hearing it from pagwatch makes it more real.

If he had said "gosh, sorry, I didn't realize that would upset you", it might have been a different story. But his response was more "well, we have a good thing, lets not make more of this than it is". To me, that sounds like asking me to condone the behaviour.

It was a bit like what hassled described. I was taking the piss, and then suddenly he said "Oh Fuck Off!" We were interrupted soon after, and he had to leave, so we never discussed it.

When I brought it up, he said that I embarrassed him and he "bit back", and that was an end of it.

I don't think I want to be "bit back" or put in my place, when my joking touches a nerve.

It just isn't normal, there's a world of difference in saying it whilst laughing, but out of anger? No. I've managed 40 years and have never been told to fuck off in anger by anyone, be it friend, husband or lover. It's not "being precious", it's about boundaries and respect. Believe me i've thought it, but never said it, and i am a sweary person when kids out of earshot. Just cos i KNOW it's unacceptable.

ooh you embarrassed him??! Red flag! Fragile male ego!

I have once told my dp to Fuck off in the middle of an argument. Only once, and I apologised for it later. I wouldn't ever think it was ok.

Maybe you need to take a look at your 'taking the piss' and reading the signs that you're pushing it too far? Ok, telling you to fuck off was a bit much, but we don't know his mercilessly you'd been teasing him. You can't suddenly squeal outrage when the butt of your jokes snarls back.

'How' mercilessly...

Um, the part of your post which raises a red flag to me is "when i've annoyed him / accidentally annoyed him".....what sort of dynamic is going on here? I don't understand; who is he to "judge" your behaviour? It sounds hugely unequal and like he holds a lot of power here, OP i think this is a bit of a defining moment here. Do not appease or aquiesce; he is not "in charge", you are not a child. Maybe he's embarrassed cos you've highlighted his lack of.....intellect? Basic manners? Standards? Don't cave!

So this happened in public? He told you to fuck off in front of other people?

..ie did you say 'gosh sorry I didn't realise that would upset you' when your reading made him snap? I'll shut up now...

I suppose the length of relationship makes a difference too. If you've been together for years, then maybe you could accept it as a one-off, out of character response and move on.

But we haven't been dating for a year, and so it makes me wonder if that's what I've got to look forward to if I continue dating him.

Doh... teasing not reading!

If this relationship still has teething problems then it's probably early enough to bin it off without too many difficulties.
It's not ok at all for him to speak to you like that. But it's also not ok to tease people in front of friends when they aren't comfortable with it. I'd be interested to know what this teasing consisted of.

This (mocking or swearing at) wouldn't be ok with me, personally. I love and respect my partner, even when angry with him, so wouldn't want this to be part of our relationship. I wouldn't want my children to accept this either, when they grow up, so wouldn't want to tolerate or model it in front of them.

I would say this in jest during a teasing session.
It's not ok if said in anger.
If this is a first offence however, in the circumstances, I would simply make it very clear that you don't like it and won't accept it and expect it to not happen again.
I disagree about the being embarrassed being a big problem. I'm easily embarrassed and it makes me quite upset with the person who has embarrassed me, especially if its someone who knows me well enough not to do it. This does not make me abusive or a bad person.
I also agree that you perhaps need to think carefully about if your own behaviour needs changing a little too.
It does all depend on how this incident fits into the overall picture of your relationship.

I really didn't realize I was pissing him off until he said it, and then I just shut up. We weren't in front of other people, but someone came in soon after and so nothing was resolved at the time.

The thing is, we always take the piss out of each other, it's kind of the whole basis of our relationship.

A couple of weeks ago, he did a similar thing and went too far taking the piss. My response was to withdraw slightly and give myself some space to think cry about it and then tell him it had upset me and why. He apologized, said it was unintentional and we accepted it and moved on. So in comparison, his response feels hurtful.

I probably told ex to "fuck off". I am sweary. It was probably said in an aggressive tone too. I believe the circumstances where that would happen would always justify it. I would accept someone telling me to fuck off in the right circumstances. I probably told him to fuck off a handful of times in over 3 years. And most of those would have been after finding out about other women. Not little silly things.

Other things you've said sound more worrying than the words he used.

A relationship based on taking the piss out of each other? Couldn't be bothered with it, myself - too much scope for the kind of hurt feelings you describe (twice in a couple of weeks?) I'd rather spend my time with people whose humour isn't based on mocking. Good luck!