Is it normal to tell a boy/girl friend, partner, date, husband/wife to f- off?

[newsecretidentity]

Just that, really. I'm a sweary person, and I enjoy a good rant as much as the next person. I don't mind swearing in jest, and I usually find it funny.

But when it gets serious, I'm just not sure I'm ok with being told to "Fuck Off", by a significant other when they're annoyed with me. Am I being too sensitive?

Hmmm.
I think you both need to think about your habit of taking the piss out of each other.
While some gentle teasing might be acceptable, depending on the relationship, it's easier to cross boundaries, and you both should have signals to tell each other when you are starting to go too far.

It's not good that you have withdrawn and had a cry, or that he's had to tell you to fuck off. Different responses, but the problem here for me is the piss taking.
(unless he tells you to fuck off in other situations)

Ok, I'm kind of embarrassed about the nature of the teasing because it makes me feel like a sad bastard. I posted a thread about it yesterday here

He was complaining because someone had posted a GOT spoiler on his facebook, and I didn't understand him getting upset at spoilers when the story in question was published years ago. (having posted the thread, I understand that lots of people would be annoyed by the same thing). So I compared it to being surprised by Romeo and Juliet (same joke several people made on the thread) and then said "Aww, were you surprised when Dumbledore died?" Apparently that was a step too far.

I swear a lot in jest as you say and in normal conversation but only with those people I know are OK with it and certainly not in front of dds.

however I would not tell someone to their face to f off or anything similar unless I seriously meant it. I hated it when ex swore in arguments we used to have. I think when said with anger it is a whole new ball game

I do think that when you lose respect for each other, then answers like fuck off are not surprising.
That kind of comment, if said in a condescending, patronising, way (as it seems from the Aww) can be just as damaging as a fuck off.

Not saying it's ok for him to say fuck off, I don't think it is. But just trying to look deeper into the relationship.

It seems to me that you both may need to take a long hard look at how you relate to each other and find more respectful ways of communicating.

I don't mean that our whole relationship is based around taking the piss out of each other, more that it's based on humor and jokes. We laugh a lot and say/do silly things to make each other crease up or spit out our coffee. It's generally very sweet and almost everything is based in jest. So my default would be to assume that no offense is meant, that everything is said in fun-- that's why him saying fuck off surprised me. He's never spoken to me in anger before and I didn't see it coming.

Had you cried before because of what he said?

Different responses.

And it does look like you both are entering into dangerous territory if you are starting to elicit such responses in each other.

I'm positive he didn't mean to make me cry, he was trying to make me laugh and got it wrong. He was really dismayed when he realized I was upset.

But my previous relationship was (what I would consider) emotionally abusive and so what might be a minor blip to someone else can really floor me. I think I might not be ready to be in a serious relationship.

My relationship with my ex slid into one where the basis was piss taking, despite me questioning whether it was a good idea and him not taking concerns seriously. Almost exactly the scenario you've described happened, both cases, and I stayed. Roll on 7 years and I now have two DC, and he is a deeply abusive ex (on a dv program). What looked like a 'little' issue was a huge flag for abusive behaviour. Essentially he took my not leaving as it being ok to carry on and getting worse with the swearing.
I'd think really carefully if this is the basis you want the whole of your relationship built on.

I didn't say he meant you make you cry, as you didn't mean to upset him.
But you both got upset by things the other said thinking they were funny, while taking the piss out of each other.

It's a good thing he apologised for hurting you.

And while he shouldn't have told you to fuck off, have you meanwhile apologised for upsetting him in the first place?

A proper talk is in order, I think. While you should make it clear that you won't put up with such answers from him, you both should address how to make sure the piss taking out of each other doesn't end up ruining the relationship.
It may be funny the first time, but it will grate at some point, as you are discovering.

I don't think it's a matter of whether you are ready or not for a proper relationship.
It's not your problem that you cried. If you were upset, that's fine. He responded appropriately and should take more care in future not to upset you in that way.

You should be more careful about taking the piss out of him too.

That's something for you to work out as a partnership.

As for the fuck off reply, I'd make sure to let him know that it was inappropriate and that I expected respect, and for him to let me know he was hurt, rather than name calling. I'd let it go for now, but would be vigilant and wouldn't put up with more.

I was taking the piss, and then suddenly he said "Oh Fuck Off!"

I think you'll find that when you take the piss out of people, "Oh Fuck Off!" is a pretty standard response. The more eloquent might manage "Oh do Fuck Off dear" or even "please feel free to go and Fuck Yourself".

If you're expecting to go through life taking the piss out of people with impunity then you're going to be disappointed. Sometimes you will hit home with something and they will snap back rather than coming back with the witty response you were expecting. There's no point you getting upset about that - it goes with the territory, so to speak.

Of course, as usual, context is everything - if you were trying to discuss a serious problem and he told you to "fuck off" then that would be a whole different kettle of fish.

I had a similar thing, DP told me shut the fuck up once in the heat of an argument. After posting on here and being told how unacceptable it was (I thought so too, the responses just confirmed what I thought) I actually finished with DP. I then spoke to some RL friends who all admitted to saying and receiving similar from their dH's.

It made me rethink a little and I realised that while it wasn't acceptable, it shouldn't be a deal breaker. DP knows how abhorrent I find it and he wouldn't be surprised if I didn't want to see him for quite some time after something like that, but I don't think I'd end it again over those words.

If you enjoy the playfulness of taking the piss out of one another maybe agree to direct it into flirtation instead? If not, stop taking the piss. If neither of you (and it appears so) can read when enough is enough then it won't end well. I am a bit of a piss taker and am happy for people to do the same to me but can and will say something if they're going on "alright that's enough" - still keeping cheery and yet to be offended so no harm done. You need to be able to predict when you think your feelings are likely to start being hurt and stop him. If you don't know. You're screwed. And the same for him. He needs to be able to tell you when he's had enough before he's upset and you need to respect that (and maybe apologise) and move on.

I take a dim view of people who use verbal (or any other kind of) abuse and then excuse is as 'only joking' or tell you to lighten up. If you don't like it and it upsets you and you've only been dating for a few months then give him the heave-ho.

If you were pissing me off then I might snap and tell you to piss off or do one.

I particularly hate "jokes" that go on and on and on...

However, I have never said it to DH and he has never said it to me.

If your sweary as you call it and somebody tells you to fuck off,you shouldn't be surprised.

I'll apologise for upsetting him, as it really was unintentional. I didn't see it as any different than the hundred other exchanges we had already had that morning, but clearly it was.

But my reaction has made me reconsider whether I should be dating anyone at present. I spent so long walking on eggshells around my ex and never knowing what would make him angry enough to scream and shout at me or the kids. I don't want to worry like that again.

Now, if I stay, I'll be afraid to joke in case I make him angry

And he'll be afraid to joke in case he makes you cry, presumably.

That is why joking at someone else's expense is always risky. There's a fine line that can be easily crossed.

I'd think there's scope here for both to work in this aspect of the relationship and see how it goes. If he responds like this again, then dump.

Oh missed the bit about it being a new relationship. Sounds like a lot of bother so early on. I would be worried if anyone was making me cry within a few months...

Old poster under a new name here ...

newsecretidentity - I do agree with the other posters who have mentioned the piss-taking aspect of your relationship. Although much of it could be passed off as being 'in jest', it might be useful to ask yourself what really lies underneath it. Is it love and respect? Or is there a veiled sense of competitiveness and a feeling of power that comes from scoring a point off the other person.

I write this as someone who thrived on this kind of exchange, and in particular with men. I had to ask some hard questions of myself around my motives for me to understand that it really wasn't as funny or benign as I had wanted it to be. And, as you can see, when the benign facade slips, there is pain.

someone who thrived on this kind of exchange, and in particular with men. I had to ask some hard questions of myself around my motives for me to understand that it really wasn't as funny or benign as I had wanted it to be.

Yep, me too! I found it quite hard to face the idea that all my 'best' relationships were actually based on mutual contempt, but that's what it boiled down to Soon as I stopped doing it, I started getting along better with nicer people.

Newsecret - let me get this right, please. Your boyfriend was pissed off that somebody told him what happens in Game Of Thrones, having previously read it. You said don't be a numpty, it's the film of a book, it's not like it's a big secret. When he didn't agree, you (unkindly, but accurately & humorously) pointed out it's no different from knowing Juliet dies or the Titanic sinks. Not wanting to admit you were right and he looked like a twit, he got angry and told you to fuck off.

Questions for you:
Is it OK for you to be in a relationship with someone who didn't know GOT was a book series?
Is it OK for you to be with someone who'd like to censor his friends' FB posts in case they told him something he didn't already know?
Do you think it's OK for people to get furious when they're embarrassed about not knowing something? Can you think of a more constructive response?
Can you take what you dish out? Can he?
What's your opinion of a relationship that's mostly based on putting each other down?
Is it OK that he - a day later - still wouldn't admit he was over the top?

I think you've already answered this: I'll be afraid to joke in case I make him angry. But there's another issue to be explored here, too :)

Me and my husband are sweary and like to take the piss now and again. I couldn't stand being in a relationship and being deadly serious all the time. I think it's different if it's said out of pure rage and you never use bad language.

Elsea, it sounds a little bit as though OP's boyfriend has a problem with admitting he was wrong -> taking the piss out of himself. It also sounds like you know perfectly well there's a difference between 'witty' put-downs and affectionate ribbing. The opposite of malice disguised as humour is not "deadly serious".

IMO it totally depends on the context. I had a friendship group when I was younger where we used to say it to each other all the time, deadpan, Jimmy Carr style if someone had said something mildly annoying.

it does depend on the person, the tone and the situation - also your past wil inevitably come into your ecision making

for instance, i had a family member who was very scary when i was little, and for that reason a certain tone of shouting makes me scared

i am a sweary person, ive called DH a dick in jest already this morning. If dh told me to fuck off i would probably tell him to suck my dick or something - however if it was intimidating in any way - i couldn't hack it at all