Is it normal to tell a boy/girl friend, partner, date, husband/wife to f- off?

[newsecretidentity]

Just that, really. I'm a sweary person, and I enjoy a good rant as much as the next person. I don't mind swearing in jest, and I usually find it funny.

But when it gets serious, I'm just not sure I'm ok with being told to "Fuck Off", by a significant other when they're annoyed with me. Am I being too sensitive?

I don't think it's nice but that's what happens when we get angry..we say things we shouldn't.I think the key things in your situation OP are
1 Why would he get angry over something so trivial?
2 Was he genuinely contrite when you told him he'd upset you?

I think his anger shows a petulance that I wouldn't want in my partner but that's your business. But if he's genuinely sorry perhaps you give him a chance but let him know that's exactly what it is?

My DH and I rarely argue but over the years we have both said things in anger we regret.But we apologise, learn from it and move on...but that's only cos we know we have something great.Probably a bit too early days for you.

It really was more the anger than the swearing that upset me. He could call me everything under the sun in jest and it would make me laugh because I know he doesn't mean it. And equally, if he had used other words but with the same angry tone and intent I would still be hurt.

It really doesn't feel like a relationship based on mutual put-downs, in that we've always been very affectionate. And I really was joking affectionately with him, so I was shocked by his response.

But even if his response was a reasonable reaction to feeling needled/embarrassed, it's my reaction that's giving me second thoughts about the relationship.

It can't be normal to cry your eyes out all day because your boyfriend has a single cross word with you. But that's what's happened because I instantly flash back to my ex shouting at me while I was in labour or my Dad shouting and then beating the shit out of me. I just can't manage a reasonable, rational response to a loved one getting angry with me.

I think I need to be alone, rather than devastated every time I fuck up and piss somebody off.

Why don't you explain all that to him and see how he responds, if you haven't?
He may be horrified and check himself in future, if he is a supportive person.
This is the opportunity for both of you to build a relationship based on trust and communication, rather than just laughter and banter.
If he fails, then just move on.
If you can't communicate your feelings to him, then perhaps you don't trust him enough to open up to him and you do need to find someone you do trust.

If you have already explained it all to him like this and he barely acknowledged it, then I think you should end it now, yes.

No

I hadn't explained it in quite so many words. I said that it wasn't simple for me to just chalk it up to experience because of relationship and mental health baggage, and that his response had dragged up some issues that I would need time to work through.

His response was "ok, I'll leave you to it".

Ok, this may well explain why mutual teasing and joking are an important feature of your relationship. He doesn't seem capable of proper intimacy. With that in mind, do move on.

lol - think I've maybe in the wrong relationships my whole life, but telling you to f**k off, come on - really?? I'd off taken that as a term of endearment....!!

Did you misread OP's own comment, oops? "It really was more the anger than the swearing that upset me. He could call me everything under the sun in jest and it would make me laugh because I know he doesn't mean it. And equally, if he had used other words but with the same angry tone and intent I would still be hurt."

Newsecret, I'm sorry to hear he doesn't seem bothered whether you're hurt or upset or not. It sounds like you make a great team as friends, but he just hasn't got it in him to care enough about you. A partner who's only on your side while you're being a laugh & letting him 'win' is more of a drinking buddy than a partner, really :(

I think that's probably the best way to look at it, that we're better friends than a couple. He checked in last night to ask how I was and I told him I'd been crying all day. He said he was "sorry to hear that".

Isn't that a bit like running over somebody's puppy and then telling them you're sorry to hear that their dog died?

.. I'm sorry Newsecret, that does sound a bit like that..

I guess though that you need a further look at yourself as well, if you have this history of being shouted at and all.. This kind of banter can be like a shell and easily tip over into not funny at all. Anyway, that has been said, so I'll stop about it.

He doesn't sound like a good friend either.

A good friend would have asked why you had been crying.

I'm sure he knew why I had been crying, he just didn't want to talk about it.

I suppose it's true that I have a history of being shouted at, but I can't really take responsibility for my dad shouting and beating the crap out of us when we were kids.

With my ex, I'm sure I bear some of the responsibility for causing the shouting, but that wasn't because of banter. There wasn't a great deal of humor in that relationship.

And the thing is, current bf was well aware that I left that relationship because I was always on eggshells, not knowing when I or the kids might do something unintentional (like pouring the milk into the cereal "wrong" or forgetting to tidy up as I went along) that would unleash a shitstorm of shouting, swearing or put-downs.

And I still have to face that every time I see my ex to drop off or pick up the girls. He's stalked me, put me down, slammed doors in my face, refused to make eye contact or speak...

If I have a relationship at all (which is sounding like an increasingly bad idea) then I need it to be safe from that, otherwise I might as well have stayed with my ex.

I hope you didn't misunderstand what I said about your history.. I did not by any means try to imply that you are responsible for what they did.

What it can be though, now or in the future, is the difficulty of showing your vulnerability, how it can edge over into something hurtful. With this bantering, it can come across as if you are not easily hurt, can take it, taking stabs at eachother is okay. I know you also said that there was quite a bit of affection with him and you.
It can be something you hide behind yourself as well. Go on, I can take it, see?!

I think you were really brave for telling him that he hurt you, that you cried.

I'd say the fact your relationship is based on taking the piss out of each other to the point one of you cries or tells the other to fuck off, is more of an issue than the reaction.

If I was taking the piss and someone told me to fuck off, I'd be questioning how I'd caused that reaction.
Before an frothers get on my back, that's not in a victims blaming way. I'd just be questioning my behaviour and intentions to embarrass someone to that extent.

Where does tho dynamic come from? It's not very caring or supportive.

Just read what the joke was. Tbh, the aww part would make me want to tell someone to fuck off. Passive aggressiveness hidden in a joke is still passive aggressiveness.

It sounds like you are both intentionally chipping away at each other's egos. If you don't like each other you should end this dysfunctional relationship.

I don't think it's the words, it's the anger. Me and OH say 'Fuck' quite regularly, as in 'Oh shit!' 'Oh fuckycakpigs' if something goes wrong, or 'D'you fancy a fuck/ shag/ bit of a thrash about love' murmured as an attempt at romance. But we would never tell each other to fuck off in anger- it just feels disrespectful somehow. It's like name- calling, my bf and her husband call each other all sorts of awful things when they argue but we never do that. It's just different boundaries I think and if you don't like it he should respect that.