I'm an occasional poster rather than a regular poster but I have name-changed for this because DP knows my normal user name (although I'm sure he would recognise the situation if he reads this anyway) and because I am embarrassed.
DP has been avoiding me this week. He came round last night was obviously not his usual self and has now left for the day in a sulky manner. The reason almost certainly is because we don't have enough sex in his opinion and, to be honest, in mine too. I do like sex but we don't have much sex because, when we do, it's not satisfactory for me. I never initiate it and when we do have sex I am, if I'm honest, just 'letting him' to keep the peace. This leaves me feeling resentful and even less like wanting sex. The reason things have come to a head (again) this week is because he initiated sex on Sunday and it didn't happen. More on that later.
Problems first started nearly a year into our relationship after I'd given him keys to my flat (he doesn't live here but he can come and go). He'd get home first and start to leap on me the second I got through the door, sweaty and smelly from exercise. I didn't feel sexy or confident in that state. At the very least I'd have liked the opportunity to freshen up 'down there'. When I explained this, he took it personally and reacted with anger because he felt rejected. This was the first instance where sex wasn't how he wanted it to be. "It doesn't bother me!" is one of his catchphrases, failing to take into account that things still matter if they bother me. Him being unable to put himself in other peoples' shoes is not an unusual theme.
The anger was very damaging and, I think, a turning point. I lost faith we could discuss sex without it turning into a nasty argument. I became embarrassed and afraid to initiate any discussion about what I wanted or to say anything when I wasn't enjoying myself. I should mention here that my parents gave me a background where 'nice girls don't'. They would always tut if someone so much as held hands on the television so it's difficult to feel that I deserve to enjoy myself and any negative feedback only magnifies that.
We've now been together nearly 4 years. Obviously sex has now come up as a discussion several times and it always starts as an argument when his resentment boils over because he feels he isn't getting enough and feels rejected. I can understand this because he is being rejected and that can't be nice for him or good for his self-esteem. On these occasions, backed into a corner, I do tell him what would make it more satisfactory for me. I try to phrase it non-critically such as "I like it when you use toys, just because your job makes your hands a bit like sandpaper" but obviously he does feel criticised and I get more personal accusations such as "you just lie there like a sack of potatoes". Eventually, we come to a compromise, he makes adjustments for a couple of sessions, then either forgets (his memory is very bad) or can't be bothered at which point I lose interest can't bring it up through fear of embarrassment on my part and anger on his and we go through the loop again.
There are things he does during sex that really put me off and that I don't like. I'm listing them to get this off my chest and because I want to be told if I'm being unreasonable before the inevitable argument tonight. I like fresh breath. He will often try to initiate sex when smelling of garlic or smoke. If I complain, I get told I'm unreasonable because it doesn't bother him if I smell of garlic. I need to be warm. He insists on me being naked but then will repeatedly drag the duvet off when he moves or flaps it about when he adjusts it until I'm cold. We had a session around Christmas where I started out as being really up for it. He dragged the duvet off no fewer than 21 times and took neither this nor the fact I said many times how chilly it was as a hint. I physically lost interest, ended up sorting him out just so I could put my clothes back on and afterwards felt really resentful. He regularly tries to give me oral sex, even though I've told him I don't really like it and would prefer him to use his hands or a toy then sulks if I move him away. If I let him, again I feel resentful and pressured into doing something I didn't want. He doesn't touch me in the right place. To be fair, this isn't entirely his fault. He has workman's fingers and a very poor sense of touch. What gets to me is that if I try to adjust his hands, he just stiffens his wrist. I don't know whether this is deliberate. This is where Sunday went wrong. He touched me, I was interested, things got a bit more heated, I tried to adjust his hands, he resisted, I'd had simply enough of this and moved my hands so I was touching the wrong area as well so he could see how frustrating it was, he tetchily removed my hand after a minute and we stopped. We didn't talk about it during or after. This did leave me feeling frustrated and irritated as it seemed he only touched me because he wanted something out of it and when that involved him having to make an effort he wasn't interested anymore. He has complained that I "can't even be bothered to give him a hand job when not interested" in the past. Not only is this not true, I can't think of an occasion where he's done the same for me.
He has criticisms of me as well. According to him I like to mop up too quickly after sex. I've agreed not to do this, either if we can put a towel down so that I don't have to sleep in a wet/crusty smelly bed until I next get opportunity to change the sheets or if he washes and changes the sheets. I've stuck to my side of the bargain. He hasn't stuck to his. I've gone back to mopping. He doesn't like the fact I spray deodorant all over as it tastes unpleasant. Fair enough, so I don't if he's suggested sex is on the cards but I do get sweaty without it so whilst I appreciate he'd sometimes like to be spontaneous I can't just never use deodorant just in case. Often I am tired and I get back late but these are things I could also level at him - he is tired, leaves early and often disappears for most of the weekends we would normally spend together. He complains I'm not passionate or spontaneous enough. Well, no. Not when I'm not enjoying it and he ignores or forgets what I want, I won't be.
I'd find it difficult enough to broach these things with him calmly but now I'm angry and resentful after Sunday and don't know what to say. I know he's angry too. I would like to do something about this without an argument where he gets nasty because he is defensive and where we don't end up making matters worse for a change.
Other than this issue, we normally get on very well and I'm perfectly capable of sticking up for myself. It's just this.
Sorry, this is a bit long and rambling. I just need some advice and probably hand-holding before and after it all, as likely as not, kicks off tonight. I'm going off thread in a little while as I have things to do and don't know when I'll be back. I promise I'm not trolling.