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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

need a HUGE rant about my depressed partner, before I blow a fuse!

66 replies

jenny373 · 17/04/2014 22:41

I have a seriously depressed partner who is driving me fucking insane
He's lazy doesn't help and does nothing but moan moan moan.
Done another disappearing act after threatening to 'never come back as no-one wants me, woe is me shit' all because I demanded an apology after me having a horrendous day at work was told to 'shut the fuck up and deal with it, some people have real problems it's nothing to do with u' I work as a nanny and the women I work for little boy was rushed to hospital quite ill, not life threatening but it had really upset me. He had however ranted at me for 2 goddamn hours over how everyone has a personal vendetta against him coz job seekers refused him as he quit he's job.
He's not working so I'm paying for everything, all he does it play with he's phone ignores me ignores the kids unless he's in a good mood
Does nothing in the house I left for work yesterday at 6am and worked through till 3pm came home and did everything while he slept on the sofa honestly a bulldozer couldn't have moved him! I hate him I hate him!!!

However he's very depressed so I feel bad, everyone is sympathetic towards him, my mum saw him walking home yesterday and called me to say he looked really
down and give him some space, she called today to find out hoe he was I told her he fell asleep she said he needed it, he needed it?? I had been up since 5 and had got up with my kids 3 times that night I was fucking wrecked

I can't leave him with the kids 'he can't cope' with all of them
He does nothing in the house unless I tell him
He walked out he's job so I have to pay for everything but no I can't moan coz he flips it back to him and how he has no money

I don't think I want this anymore, he's depressed ok I get it but do I need to put up with this? Or am I being an insensitive cow? Plz dont be too harsh I'm very stressed been living with this for 2 years now it's just so intesnse my heads gonna pop

OP posts:
LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 17/04/2014 22:45

Is he getting treatment for his depression?

sonlypuppyfat · 17/04/2014 22:50

Members of my family have had depression and while I tried to understand and help them I'm afraid I just could not understand it at all. You and your partner have my sympathies.

AlbertsJoy · 17/04/2014 22:50

Sounds like you're at the end of your tether op. Is there any way you can get away for a bit, even for an hour or two, to do something just for you?

adjani77 · 17/04/2014 22:54

I have suffered from depression in the past and I understand it is very hard on your loved ones but its such a terrible illness so destructive that you really have to understand that it isn't really him but the depression at work. That being said you have a right to do what you need and its not every partner that can cope with their spouses depression.

He needs help and he may be eligable for ESA if he is very depressed and getting treatment.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 17/04/2014 22:57

Who says he's depressed? He sounds selfish and lazy and entitled. Sure they can be symptoms of depression but they can also just be who he is. Has he always been like this?
Ps, even if he is depressed, it doesn't mean it gives him carte Blanche to treat you like shit.

LineRunner · 17/04/2014 22:59

Good grief. He needs treatment and you need a light at the end of the tunnel.

TinyDiamond · 17/04/2014 23:05

Sorry to hear this. I am going through similar but only since January. I don't have any answers unfortunately.

pictish · 17/04/2014 23:08

Whether he is depressed or not "shut the fuck up" is never acceptable!

pictish · 17/04/2014 23:15

And whether he is depressed or not, to tell you to shut the fuck up, then follow it up with a woe-is-me-nobody-wants-me flounce-off because you asked for an apology, is despicable.

Original poster
jenny373 · 17/04/2014 23:21

He has been diagnosed with depression
Been trying to be sympathetic but I dunno how much more I can take
It may not be 'him' and be he's illness but I still feel I can't cope with him
But I'm torn by guilt as scared he's gonna sink even lower if I kick him out married him for better or worse well this is worse what kind of person would I be to kick
A man when hes down?

OP posts:
Handywoman · 17/04/2014 23:22

shut the fuck up

Followed up by woe is me rather than 'sorry'

Is he depressed? Or a lazy, entitled arse? Why can't he get up in the night for your dc?

He needs a reality check. You need a holiday. Or a sainthood. Can you actually talk to him about this?

gamerchick · 17/04/2014 23:26

send him to your mothers.. perfect solution.

Is he trying to help himself with his depression or is he wallowing? Everybody is allowed a little wallow but if he's doing piss all to help himself then this could drag on for years.

Handywoman · 17/04/2014 23:26

My GP mis-diagnosed depression in my STBXH. In fact it was anger & misery brought on by narcissistic projection of self hatred, disappointment with family life with a side helping if ineptitude. Unsurprisingly the drugs and crap counselling didn't work. Eventually all cured by kicking the fecker out.

CookieDoughKid · 17/04/2014 23:29

Time to kick his arse and tell him to start looking for a job. Give him lists to do and tell him he needs to earn his keep. Do not take any shit. Yes life is hard for everyone. How about he puts his family first instead of himself, and he can start doing that by cleaning the kitchen.

Its just bullshit at the end of the day and he needs to man up.

Original poster
jenny373 · 17/04/2014 23:30

He didn't actually say woe is me but it was basically a feel sorry for me rant
No I can't I feel like j can't say anything to
him in fear of upsetting him

OP posts:
CookieDoughKid · 17/04/2014 23:32

I'd be f*cking screaming at him like a banshee. Every day. Period. Honestly, it feels like us women are more man like than men these days. Sexist rant with no data to back that up ... Just ranting really!! too much wine,soz!

CookieDoughKid · 17/04/2014 23:33

And is upsetting going to make your life any harder than it is?

TalisaMaegyr · 17/04/2014 23:34

I know EXACTLY what you mean Cookie

antimatter · 17/04/2014 23:34

You say - He does nothing in the house unless I tell him

what if you gave him a short written list of things to do?
would that help?

Original poster
jenny373 · 17/04/2014 23:37

Well I do feel like all I do is roll my eyes/rant/shout/plead with him and it does this stupid face ' well it's clear u don't want me here so I'll just go' I try say it's not that it's just I want some help at this presice moment and I get
'it's ok I know I'm hard to live with people can't cope with me blah blah fucking blah' and I feel bad
When I step back I feel so angry and hate him
But in the middle of it it's not so easy

OP posts:
antimatter · 17/04/2014 23:41

When I was depressed I would not get into arguments or rants - I was too exhausted to - he may be different.

Maybe for your own sake try not to engage much with him. You know you need to do everything anyway. May as well do it with less hassle Smile

Would he take kids out for an hour to go to the park so you have peace and quiet?

Original poster
jenny373 · 17/04/2014 23:42

I do write lists but at the same time he's a grown man why should I have to when I come in and washing is still in the washing machine he says well no-one told me to take it out
Well actually I did 3 Times but I shouldn't have to make up a plan of action evertime I go out no-one tells me to wash the dishes/clean the bathroom/change kids bedding etc I feel like I have 4 kids abs he's the hardest one

OP posts:
Handywoman · 17/04/2014 23:42

You feel like you can't say anything for fear of upsetting him? I'm sorry but depression or no depression the dynamics in the relationship are skewed - vastly in favour of your DH who seems to be able to verbally abuse you and take zero responsibility for family life, with you sucking it all up, soldiering on, burning yourself out. Depression cannot excuse that. There is no reason on earth he should not be listening to you after a bloody hard day at work on feck all sleep. What about THAT part of the marriage vows?

Sorry, ranting now too.

Original poster
jenny373 · 17/04/2014 23:44

Antimatter I won't leave him with the kids he can't deal with them he doesn't look after them properly all the baby does is cry when he holds her it's like she knows

OP posts:
Handywoman · 17/04/2014 23:45

antimatter are you basically saying suck it all up some more and stop asking for help? For real? Shock