Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

need a HUGE rant about my depressed partner, before I blow a fuse!

66 replies

jenny373 · 17/04/2014 22:41

I have a seriously depressed partner who is driving me fucking insane
He's lazy doesn't help and does nothing but moan moan moan.
Done another disappearing act after threatening to 'never come back as no-one wants me, woe is me shit' all because I demanded an apology after me having a horrendous day at work was told to 'shut the fuck up and deal with it, some people have real problems it's nothing to do with u' I work as a nanny and the women I work for little boy was rushed to hospital quite ill, not life threatening but it had really upset me. He had however ranted at me for 2 goddamn hours over how everyone has a personal vendetta against him coz job seekers refused him as he quit he's job.
He's not working so I'm paying for everything, all he does it play with he's phone ignores me ignores the kids unless he's in a good mood
Does nothing in the house I left for work yesterday at 6am and worked through till 3pm came home and did everything while he slept on the sofa honestly a bulldozer couldn't have moved him! I hate him I hate him!!!

However he's very depressed so I feel bad, everyone is sympathetic towards him, my mum saw him walking home yesterday and called me to say he looked really
down and give him some space, she called today to find out hoe he was I told her he fell asleep she said he needed it, he needed it?? I had been up since 5 and had got up with my kids 3 times that night I was fucking wrecked

I can't leave him with the kids 'he can't cope' with all of them
He does nothing in the house unless I tell him
He walked out he's job so I have to pay for everything but no I can't moan coz he flips it back to him and how he has no money

I don't think I want this anymore, he's depressed ok I get it but do I need to put up with this? Or am I being an insensitive cow? Plz dont be too harsh I'm very stressed been living with this for 2 years now it's just so intesnse my heads gonna pop

OP posts:
antimatter · 17/04/2014 23:47

My ex was like that (depressed all his life) - unless I told him what to do - he never did anything. If I gave him a list - he would follow it (more or less Grin).
I was able to sent him to the park with the kids though.

Does he interact with them at all? Playing or doing anything?

Lweji · 17/04/2014 23:50

Ok, he's been diagnosed.
But is he being medicated? If so, is he taking his meds properly?
Is he having therapy? If so, is he working on it?

You may need to apply some tough love there.

People don't often realise that being a partner of someone with depression can be quite difficult. But it's often ignored, in contrast with someone who supports a bed ridden partner, for example.

You do have my sympathy.

Lweji · 17/04/2014 23:51

Have you talked to the GP/psychiatrist on how best to help him and support him?

Original poster
jenny373 · 17/04/2014 23:58

It's just blah I don't really know when he has a really bad day it's not bad I fear he may actually harm himself that's why I dont like to say anything too harsh to him
But I'm getting to the end of my rope now
Everyone is so concerned with him and accommodating to he's needs but what about me? Don't care if I sound selfish right now I can't talk to anyone without 'oh but he's nit well, he loves u, he's a great guy' blah no he's not

OP posts:
antimatter · 18/04/2014 00:00

I remember tht ex's depression was sucking me in, I felt depressed too

since split (5 years) I am better every year

so I understand your frustration, your DH may get better if he takes medication, goes for counselling and wants to get better - it is up to him

Original poster
jenny373 · 18/04/2014 00:01

Lweji he was on medication it didn't help now hes reluctant to try anymore
He has just started therapy so I'm hoping it works!

OP posts:
TSSDNCOP · 18/04/2014 00:05

I'm guessing depression strikes each sufferer differently.

My DH couldn't have raised and argument if he'd been able to care less.

At his worse he just shivered and looked utterly stricken.

If he wants to treat his condition he needs to get serious with his GP and his meds. You should be part of the discussion OP, his recovery directly effects you and your kids.

Meanwhile watch out for the daredevil stuff, DH had no fear.

Lweji · 18/04/2014 00:06

But people may have to go through different meds until they find the right one.

My now exH was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety. He got better eventually, but then it just confirmed he was a twat.

How was he before?

Original poster
jenny373 · 18/04/2014 00:18

I know but u try telling him that!

He was good always a bit lazy but not too bad just he average clothes go in the basket not on top kind of business now I just feel like hee mother

I don't think I want this anymore, but I love him I don't want to make him worse than he already is

OP posts:
clio51 · 18/04/2014 00:19

I never knew what people meant when they said they were depressed, I thought they just felt down ,fed up like you get sometimes.

Well 2 years ago this happened to me I had depression. I really honestly thought I was going out of my mind. I didn't want to get up, dressed, clean anything!! And I really couldn't understand why I felt like I did.
It was the most horrendous time of my life! Never ever please god want to have that illness(and it is an illness) ever again.

It took months even with medication(to find the right one because some are not the right one for you) to feel just ok.
Thankfully I'm a lot better than I was, but still with the off week now and again.

It really isn't a pull yourself together,sort yourself out type of illness(in fact that's proberly the worse thing you could say to somebody depressed.

I'm not on your husbands side, or the way he speaks to you is right.
Get him to get some more help for himself

mrshectic · 18/04/2014 00:20

This sounds all to familiar, my dh has been depressed and ,I too, am at the point where I am so stressed and angry with dealing with everything while he plays on his phone constantly or spends days at a time in bed. Meanwhile all he does is criticize everything i do or don't!

How long has hr been depressed?

Lweji · 18/04/2014 00:28

Well, you may have to tell him that unless he does his best to get better (try to find meds that work), the relationship is doomed.

Bananasandnutella · 18/04/2014 07:07

Yep I agree. Unless he acknowledges that things aren't right and he needs proper help, and that you are desperately unhappy, I don't think things will improve.

Walkacrossthesand · 18/04/2014 07:24

It seems to me that, while he's depressed, you two aren't good for each other - you've got your hands full with the DCs, he doesn't do anything towards family life, and communications between you are liable to end with him flouncing off 'nobody likes me everybody hates me I'm going down the garden to eat worms' kind of way (which is what makes me think this isn't all depression btw - there's a soupçon of lazy entitlement there too).

So would it be best - given that he's driving you to distraction, you can't help him and he's not tied by a job, if he went to live elsewhere (eg with a sympathetic family member who thinks you should ease up on him Grin ) while he sorts himself out?

hookedonchoc · 18/04/2014 09:02

I've had loved ones with depression and it never manifested as anger, they would not have had the energy to fight or swear. If he really is depressed, which is not necessarily the case just because a gp says it is, I would not think the anger and abuse are symptoms?

Regardless of his condition, you are a human being and can only take so much. It seems like you need some time away from him for your mental health. Is there a relative he could stay with during his recovery?

FWIW counselling can be very successful, but the patient has to want to be cured.

CookieDoughKid · 18/04/2014 09:15

I think part of the problem (actually a lot of it) is that you are enabling him. You haven't said or really done anything so far that would make him want to change. If I was your dh I'd have no incentive either. Sorry I don't mean to give you a verbal bashing but if it was me, I'd be cruel enough to tell him to take his lazy ass off to job seekers or f*ck off. No discussion about it.

magoria · 18/04/2014 09:34

You need to look after yourself first so that you can look after your children. That may sound hard but it will be no use if you crack under the pressure and they suffer more.

I don't know who you go to for help, start with your GP?

If he has to leave short term so you can cope and he can work on getting better that is a better option than you ending up hating him and permanently splitting.

Inkspellme · 18/04/2014 09:34

Part ofcdepression is being completly unmotivated. Everything is a huge effort. I had to be forced to do anything. Left to my own devices I would have just sat and felt sorry for myself. My DH told me to get to the GP and tell them how I was feeling. Without him telling me that I would have known I should have but not had the energy or drive to do it.

My suggestion is, like other posters have said, tell him he is putting your relationship under too much pressure. He has an obligation to his children and to you to try and get better. You sound like you would support him if he was trying harder. I also would go with him to the doc and tell the doc exactly whst is going on and how you feel.

Depression doesn't give you the right to treat someone badly. He doesn't have the right to curse at you.

I would also say that he is responsible for his behaviour. If he does harm himself or attempt to that is his decision and responsibility and not yours.

take care

antimatter · 18/04/2014 09:46

Who is looking after your kids when you are at work?

GoodtoBetter · 18/04/2014 09:47

He sounds like a cock and "depression" sounds like a convenient excuse. It's not that hard to be diagnosed with depression if you know a couple of symptoms to tell your GP and then it's the best get out of all time..."I can't help it, I'm depressed".

ThePriory · 18/04/2014 09:53

Depression is different for everyone who is unfortunate enough to fall that way... But one thing is certain, which is that it is destructive.

In my case it was self harm, eating disorders, not relating to anyone and being a recluse. But I never took it out on people, ie shouting and swearing and demanding sympathy.

He is doing this perhaps because this is the destructive nature of depression. If I may suggest, clearly explaining to your DP that you cannot live and raise children in such a household.

This will have a devastating impact on your children, having a father figure in their life unable to help, unable to cope, in a sense rejecting them and his fatherly responsibilities.

You need a way out that is for sure, you need help from the professional services and also your family, and he needs to get out of his hole.

I wish you all the best.

plantsitter · 18/04/2014 10:08

Living with a depressed person is fucking awful.

Can you persuade him to go to the GP together? You have 3 small kids and he is not having medication. Don't know what services are like in your area but sounds like a brief hospital admission might be in all your interests. At the very least it would register that you need help.

OneEggIsAnOeuf · 18/04/2014 10:08

No one on here is in a position to diagnose whether your dp is depressed or trying it on. Depression is an incredibly selfish illness - there is not enough of you to deal with you, let alone anyone else, which leads to guilt and more depression.

I treated my dp appallingly while i was ill. He stuck with it because i did everything i could to get better. I have someone else in my family who has not engaged with the help available and has used his depression as an excuse to sit on his behind for the last 15 years. He has been enabled to do this by his partner as she failed to draw a line as to what she would and wouldn't accept.

I think if your dp is showing real willingness to try to access help and really engage with it then he deserves support to do this. If he can't be arsed or is half-hearted about it i would throw in the towel. He needs to revisit medication - there are lots of different options and not all will work. Without the medication it can be really hard for counselling or any other therapy to be effective - you need to be well enough to engage with it.

Only you can know whether you think it is worth it in the long run, but it is important to know that the illness is not the person. If you want to stick with it don't discount getting some help for yourself - my dp had some counselling to help him deal with my breakdown and it really helped him. If you don't want to deal with this any more, don't feel guilty - your needs and those of your children are just as important as his.

I understand you needed to offload posting here, but maybe have a look over in mental health - there are a lot of people there who have been through this on both sides.

JaceyBee · 18/04/2014 10:10

I'm a therapist and if doing CBT with a client (which the NHS prefers so is more widely available although not my personal favourite) the first technique is behavioural activation which is basically dragging yourself off your arse and re-engaging with the world. This included routine stuff such as housework, playing with the kids e.g reading them stories etc to start with and socialising, going for walks etc

You would encourage the client to set small goals every day and stick to them, absolutely not wait until they 'felt like it' before doing an activity but pushing through the 'too tired, cba' feelings and doing it anyway.

This is hard work, therapy is hard! But most people with depression desperately want to get better and will engage well. Your h sounds like for want of a better word, he is wallowing in it and using it as an excuse to be a lazy, rude entitled wanker. Most people who are depressed do not treat their families like this.

You are entirely within your rights to kick him out until he sorts himself out. The poster above who mentioned depression being misdiagnosed when the problem was more personality related had a good point too. Whatever his 'label' you have the right to be treated kindly and with respect and you do not have to put up with his shit, he sounds awful!

Feel free to pm me if you want x

SolidGoldBrass · 18/04/2014 11:22

It sounds to me like you have been raised to put men first. The fact that your own mum is telling you to eat shit and smile while this selfish, lazy prick does exactly what he likes and whines all the time suggests your family believe that a woman has to please and indulge her husband and prioritize him over everything else.
It's fine to tell him you've had enough and chuck him out. He won't kill himself - people like him are far too fond of themselves to do anything as useful as remove themselves from the gene pool.