need a HUGE rant about my depressed partner, before I blow a fuse!

[jenny373]

I have a seriously depressed partner who is driving me fucking insane
He's lazy doesn't help and does nothing but moan moan moan.
Done another disappearing act after threatening to 'never come back as no-one wants me, woe is me shit' all because I demanded an apology after me having a horrendous day at work was told to 'shut the fuck up and deal with it, some people have real problems it's nothing to do with u' I work as a nanny and the women I work for little boy was rushed to hospital quite ill, not life threatening but it had really upset me. He had however ranted at me for 2 goddamn hours over how everyone has a personal vendetta against him coz job seekers refused him as he quit he's job.
He's not working so I'm paying for everything, all he does it play with he's phone ignores me ignores the kids unless he's in a good mood
Does nothing in the house I left for work yesterday at 6am and worked through till 3pm came home and did everything while he slept on the sofa honestly a bulldozer couldn't have moved him! I hate him I hate him!!!

However he's very depressed so I feel bad, everyone is sympathetic towards him, my mum saw him walking home yesterday and called me to say he looked really
down and give him some space, she called today to find out hoe he was I told her he fell asleep she said he needed it, he needed it?? I had been up since 5 and had got up with my kids 3 times that night I was fucking wrecked

I can't leave him with the kids 'he can't cope' with all of them
He does nothing in the house unless I tell him
He walked out he's job so I have to pay for everything but no I can't moan coz he flips it back to him and how he has no money

I don't think I want this anymore, he's depressed ok I get it but do I need to put up with this? Or am I being an insensitive cow? Plz dont be too harsh I'm very stressed been living with this for 2 years now it's just so intesnse my heads gonna pop

Boundaries are what you need.

I live with a depressed person. The only way to do it and not end up in the same boat is to set yourself very clear boundaries on what you will or won't tolerate. My deal breakers are failing to take responsibility for illness, not engaging with medical assistance, and any form of abusive behaviour (emotional or verbal abuse both count in this)

I think yours is crossing a few of those.

I tend to try to deal with the bad behaviour along the same lines as I do with my preschooler. Fair warning followed by Consequences.

I'd let the bugger leave and stew in some self pity for a while.

Diagnosed with depression BY WHOM?

There is a big difference between being diagnosed with depression by a psychiatrist (or GP with a special interest in Mental Health) and turning up to your hardpressed GP (who only has 6 minutes to sort you out), saying you are depressed and being given some antidepressants which you then don't take and don't seek any further help.

Whilst I will be the first to admit I was a selfish nightmare when I had depression, he does sound more 'depressed because the world owes him a living' than actually 'depressed'.

He's also using his depression as a weapon to control you and stop you kicking him out. Don't let him.

OP living with someone with depression can be extremely hard. I have seen friends affected in the way that it makes them very tearful and listless whereas it manifested in my husband as extreme irritation, blame directed at me, anger, spitefulness. Not all the time - but certainly sometimes, and this was nothing like how he was beforehand.

Having watched it close hand, I can say it is a mind bogglingly viscous illness than, in it's most severe form, can rip apart even the strongest marriage.

I do think what you need is to work out your own list of boundaries to put forward to your husband.

For me, if I had been given the opportunity I would have insisted that he:

1. Sought treatment and actually followed through with it.

1. That he followed a basically healthy lifestyle to include eating well, taking walks 2 - 3 times a week, getting showered and dressed every day

1. That he not drink alcohol

1. That he understood I was not to blame for his depression and also that I could not cure it.

etc. etc.

You might want to make your own list. I have seen my stbXH sink away to absolutely nothing and i have no questions in my mind how devastating this awful illness is but it is also not a carte blanche to treat people like shit.

I would put together a few small goals and expectations and ask that he stick with them. There should be some sort of acknowledgement that you are also a person.

Hi Jenny. Have you sought counseling for yourself? It might help to be able to talk through your own feelings - & explore what different future scenarios might look like - with someone independent & professional. I am doing the same. My partner is depressed - although he does do a lot around the house, so pulls his weight in that respect - his is linked to long - term unemployment, a neurodegenerative chronic condition & the fact that we live on the other side of the world to most of his support network. I have been trying for years to help him - supporting him through new business ventures, encouraging him to go back to uni, see a counselor, exercise. It works for a week, maybe a few, then it's back to woe is me, I can't cope.

There are so many complications if we split - not least that I do love him. But I cannot be an effective mother if I have to mother him as well. He needs to take some responsibility :(

Was he like this before he became depressed? He sounds quite abusive to me, whether or not he's depressed.
Can't he get sickness benefit if he is formally diagnosed as depressed?
How has he got the energy to rant at you and verbally attack you for two hours at a time buy can't summon up the energy to empty the washing machine.
I agree with other posters who say that he needs to commit to trying to get better, or you'll be better off without him. Right now he is being abusive and it is a terrible dynamic that your children are witnessing. Sorry you ate going through this.
What washe like before he got 'depressed?'(apologies if he really is..)

Agree with Kundry. I have depression myself, and it makes me very difficult to live with, I cannot work or care for dc for long periods. But mine is properly diagnosed as major depressive disorder, I see a consultant psychiatrist every month, I have a care coordinator and attend regular psychotherapy and see an OT on top of getting medication.

The type of depression that is diagnosed by GPs in a rushed appointment with a short questionnaire is not really worth taking seriously. If it was really affecting his quality of life he would be referred for much more intensive help. If he was really ill he would be applying for ESA not JSA which would mean he could at least contribute a bit financially. But I'd suspect he knows he can't convince the right people because they're not as easy to fool as the GP. The fact that he hasn't been referred for more specialist help after two years suggests to me that he can just snap out of it if he wanted to but is just taking the easier route when he's being enabled to do so.

I think that, even if the destructive behaviour is said to be clinical rather than conscious, there is a limit to what you can expect to tolerate. It's very easy to get trapped in a situation where someone is said to be sick and believe that this means you have to make endless allowances. You're clearly under pressure from others to be his permanently tolerant carer and that's quite unfair. You're only human OP and, as you say, who's looking after you?

I would talk to your GP, tell them you can't cope and ask if he can be found residential care.

Morning sorry just replying now kids Easter holidays u know how it is!
He was diagnosed by a psychiatrist so I know he defiantly has depression
They offered him counselling which I had to pretty much force him to do he tried medication the one he was put on didn't agree with him so now he refuses
I manage to get through to him when he's having a good day and he says he will do it but wakes up next day and we are back to square one!

He does go very down he gets agitated then rages, but it's weird he rants without pausing almost like he's not really talking to anyone then crashes out for up to 12 hours

Thankyou for he advice people I know deep down I don't have to put up with it and I should really throw in the towel. He does have this the world owes me a favour attitude and it drives me mad, apparently it's everyone else's fault he can't get a job
In regards to benefits he was offered incapacity benefit but wouldn't take it as he didn't want to not work, it will make him better if he works but he quit he's last job as that what was making him Ill! Can't win!

Op my mum has the children while I work
Someone said about writing a list for him to do, I like that idea and give him 2 weeks to do it or he can go live with he's mum
If he won't help himself there's nothing I can do, can't keep drifting like this it's not fair on me and it certainly isn't fair on the children

Hi OP, just to say really that my mum has had a hard time looking after my dad with depression since around January, but he is out of it now. He's had it for years but it's been kept at bay with ADs and he has been able to lead a normal, happy life.

In January, a new GP suggested he come off them completely and this sent him absolutely rock bottom. He couldnt cope with every day situations and my mum had to take leave from work as he was so anxious alone in the house (totally out of character). He went back on the ADs and has slowly but surely improved. My mum says he is back to his normal annoying self this week!

I suppose what i am saying is that if your DP is not normally like this, there should be light at the end of the tunnel with the right treatment. Its horrendous for the family to deal with when it's bad.

In regards to benefits he was offered incapacity benefit but wouldn't take it as he didn't want to not work,

He could work. IB allows(ed?) some hours of work to help people on it get back to work.
So, he's been depriving the family of income meanwhile. he could always apply for it now.

You do need to make him stay conditional of getting counselling, trying new ADs, exercise and so on. No slips allowed.
As you say, the children don't have to suffer it. And nor do you.

At first you may need to take him to appointments and remind him of meds, but he should do it without major resistance.
And ADs often make you kind of worse for the first couple of weeks before you feel better. He will have to stick with them for a while to decide they don't work.

Still sounds like a tosser. Save yourself, he'll drag you down too and it's not like he's getting any better now, with your help, is it? Honestly, life's too short.

Defiitely put him out. He's an arsehole who has a vested interest in not getting better, because at the moment he's allowed to do what he likes and everyone just tuts sympathetically, whereas if he took his meds and had some counselling, he might have to put some effort in to caring about other people.

Given that you may suffer from a bit of family pressure to prioritize The Man, I suggest telling eveyrone who sticks their beak in that you threw him out for the sake of the kids as his bad behaviour was affecting them.

My ex had depression. For me the deal breaker was he wouldn't seek medical help and I'm afraid I couldn't accept that. It is scary to go on meds, but you have to have certain boundaries with depression otherwise it sucks you in. My ex was getting worse and worse and I just realised I wasn't able to sit and watch/ enable that. It's very sad, but if you've had enough I would be making it clear that with your partner the deal is he tries new meds, gets himself onto ESA or jsa, goes out for a walk 3x a week and goes back to the psychiatrist or go if those things don't help.

Without wishing to sound unsympathetic to people with Depression please don't let him ruin his and your children's lives.
My father was diagnosed with Depression - I actually think he was more of a Narc but he seized on Depression as a license to behave exactly how he wanted and sod everyone else.
Your first responsibility is to your children, f he won't help himself get rid.

Depression can be absolutely paralysing. The rages could be fuelled by guilt. It is a vicious cycle. Therapy could be very beneficial.

You are risky your own physical and mental health and then who is going to work and look after the children?