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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

how to cope with seeing the other woman every day at school?

56 replies

marriageisatrainwreck · 17/04/2014 12:18

Has anyone any experience of how to deal with this. I only found out at weekend that my "d" h has been having an affair for basicqlly the whole of my last pregnancy with son now aged 3 months. He is devasted (? That hes been found out) and ive obviously kicked him out whilst I think things through. He wants to come back and make a go of things... was feeling stressed... escapism etc etc. I dont know what im going to do and he has moved out
Her child is in the same class as one of our children and it is a very small village school. Children know basics of whats happened and who it was with ( we had to tell them as gossip will be rife and they know the ow quite well). Ive told lots of my friends who are also mums at school.
How the actual fuck am I goingm to cope with seeing her every day????? Im not going to shout and scream jeremy kyle style but how do I keep my cool?

And I know h and possibly ow know I post on mumsnet whixh ive why ive tried to hide my post here, but if u r reading theis h or ow you are both complete skanks.

OP posts:
marriageisatrainwreck · 17/04/2014 12:48

Going to get this moved to relationships to get more traffic

OP posts:
Daisy17 · 17/04/2014 13:25

Hi OP, so sorry this has happened - I've not been in quite this position, your situation is much worse, but have been in a workplace where I had to face exDP of three years and also the OW when everyone else knew everything. It's awful. But....what helped me was being the model of dignity, holding my head up high, refusing to bad mouth anyone, smiling though my heart was breaking, making sure I looked as good as possible. Showing that I was better than them and would not descend to their level. It won me a lot of support and kindness from others and helped to keep my self-esteem intact from within. (And then scream and kick things when you're alone to get it all out.....)

Daisy17 · 17/04/2014 13:27

I do realise this sounds a bit flippant when in the context of a marriage and kids, sorry. Hope it helps a bit and ignore if not.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 17/04/2014 13:29

Good advice Daisy. Thanks for for you OP, what an awful situation. Whatever you do, keep your dignity and don't play into her hands by starting a slanging match. They are in the wrong, not you.

marriageisatrainwreck · 17/04/2014 13:32

Not at all.to be honest im a bit annoyed I cant explode with rage as children are old enough to understand whats happening.
Trying to be the bigger person. It helps to know that other people have managed to keep their cool.
May even have to wear make up for the school run :)

OP posts:
Daisy17 · 17/04/2014 13:35

Oh yes, do. Channel Grace Kelly and call their bluff. Much hand holding.

specialmagiclady · 17/04/2014 13:41

Yes, do the make up thing. Also, do you have mates who could make sure you're not alone in the playground. They could create a cordon sanitaire around you....

Lara2 · 17/04/2014 15:59

You poor thing - that's horrible! Gather your support, hold up your head and resist putting cat shit through her letterbox.
You definitely need these Thanks

WestmorlandSausage · 17/04/2014 16:04

You might find that she is shitting herself more than you about this and will find ways to avoid it herself.

hamptoncourt · 17/04/2014 22:06

I was in this position, not sure I handled it very well though, but my story may give you a guide of what NOT to do.

I knew she didn't want anyone at school to know as she was also married, so I called the school up and told them, "in case there was a problem between the DC" I just told the gossipy receptionist and asked her to "tell anyone she thought needed to know." Then I sat back and cackled to myself for quite a bit.

I got all dressed up for the school run for a while before falling back into my usual slobbiness just to feel more in control.

Anyway, I thought she would be avoiding me but she actually blocked my path deliberately, which left me with absolutely no option but to say "Get out of my way you Fat Slag!"

Next thing you know I've got DH on the phone saying "You upset Slagface" !! Unfuckingbelievable.

Eventually she took to avoiding me. This may have been because I called her home and asked to speak to her husband though.

I hope I have given you a giggle at this horrible time OP. I know it is really stressful, but it will pass and it will all just be a distant memory.

Just take care of yourself and DC and try to rise above it.

Offred · 17/04/2014 22:14

Ah I know who you are. Terrible situation. :(

I think Daisy's advice is really good tbh but a word of warning with that - Make sure you have an outlet for your real feelings. Doing that for me has led to a lot of bottled up and undealt with pain still 8 years later.

lavenderhoney · 17/04/2014 22:17

I would tell the head and teachers to help with any teasing plus allowances for dc behaviour.

I would ignore and wear sunglasses where possible, plus maintain a frosty stare should she cross my line of vision. If she attempted to speak I would not raise my voice but say very nastily and quietly " leave me alone please. You've done enough damage"

I would not allow anyone to talk about it loudly or say anything to her/ me as the dc also have to live and go to school there. Plus people love drama, ESP in small villages ( I am in one) then they go home and you are just gossip.

If you plan to allow your dh home, the above will help kill any gossip until something else happens.

MummyIsMagic79 · 17/04/2014 22:23

Have PM'd you. Stay brave. I did the make-up and heels to the school run, the very next day, it's heartbreaking.

Aussiebean · 18/04/2014 08:38

It maybe a possibility that other mums can take your dc to school on the days you just can't face it.

You can mix it up so she won't know if you are going to be there or not.

akaWisey · 18/04/2014 08:46

I agree with the pp's. You've made your point and now it's time to put on a show of 'normal' even if that's not the way you feel.

Simplesusan · 18/04/2014 08:55

Can you arrange to walk to school with another mum? Don't be afraid to tell them what has happened, you need to talk about this in rl.

Get dressed to impress, wear your favourite perfume and sunglasses.

Don't bottle things up, you have done nothing wrong.

Simplesusan · 18/04/2014 08:55

Loved your post Hampton.

hamptoncourt · 18/04/2014 08:59

Thanks simple. It wasn't my finest hour and I was furious at the time, but now it just makes me laugh.

I really hope that it won't be long before OP can look back at this time and see the funny side too.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 18/04/2014 09:04

Good luck OP, this is an awful situation, but you will get through it. Go in with your mum friends, if it gets too much, leave your DC's with them and go home.

I would definitely advise on keeping your cool. Maybe have a 5minute grumble to yourself before you go out in the morning, then have a proper 'arrghhh!' when you get back and the children are at school.

PiratePanda · 18/04/2014 09:08

Oh I really feel for you. (I'm dreading the inevitable day when XH's new DW and I have DSs in the same class; she hates me and blames me for the breakup of my marriage to XH; no OM/OW, nothing to do with his ultra controlling behaviour, oh no.)

If the OW has a shred of decency (and mostly they do) she will feel ashamed and go out of her way to avoid bumping into you. It may not be as bad as you think.

But yes - sunglasses definitely, make-up and smart casual wear. Get your hair done. And be ultra dignified; know that everyone is on your side.

deste · 18/04/2014 14:26

What happened to you was not nice but as others have said, shoulders back and head high. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Tell the school and sit back and wait. She is the one who should be ashamed not you. Just be lovely and friendly to everyone, bar her of course. I know you want to scream and shout but I can assure you being dignified is more powerful.

SanityClause · 18/04/2014 14:30

That's bizarre, Pirate! Surely if you hadn't broken up with your EX, she wouldn't be married to him now?

Onlyonamonday · 18/04/2014 14:40

Some good advice here I've not been in this situation but I would like to think I could put on the front of being smily and happy at the school gate , not to her, but around others I would completely blank/ ignore her and hold my head high I would not even look at her.
Like she did not even exist...

FoolishFay · 18/04/2014 18:25

I was in exactly that same position last year at a tiny village school. It was horrendous, particularly as she seemed utterly unashamed at the time. What made it even worse was that she had apparently been my best friend for two years.

I kept my dignity, have blanked her at all times ever since, apart from one short text exchange in which in I carefully and in a controlled fashion, left her in no doubt as to what I thought of her behaviour. My 6 year old DD and hers are in the same class. My DD knows that my 'friend' and I had a quarrel and I wasn't about to forgive her and she took that at face value.

A few of my friends knew the situation and in an odd move, she later shared it with a friend of hers and within minutes it was round the playground. She seemed surprised that people weren't very supportive of her actions and I felt much better when it was properly out in the open. Most people were most impressed I hadn't put a brick through her window.

This was September and whilst I had a few tense months whilst she tried to brazen it out in the playground, the tide eventually turned and she has kept a very low profile ever since. My DH and I are reconciling, her marriage broke up anyway, and funnily enough, whilst people round here are generally very helpful, one seems keen to offer their DH's up for any odd jobs etc.

I agree with others; treat her as though she doesn't exist. And I read something recently that struck a chord; whilst you are nursing great hurt at injustices done to you, the other person generally doesn't care - that's presumably why they behaved that way in the first place. So be kind to yourself and try to drop that burden of care as soon as possible. Living well is the best revenge.

kinkyfuckery · 18/04/2014 18:28

Hold you head up high, you've done nothing wrong. Fake it as much as you need - it's only for 10 minutes twice a day. Try to carry on as if nothing has happened - with the exception of having anything to do with her of course.