how to cope with seeing the other woman every day at school?

[marriageisatrainwreck]

Has anyone any experience of how to deal with this. I only found out at weekend that my "d" h has been having an affair for basicqlly the whole of my last pregnancy with son now aged 3 months. He is devasted (? That hes been found out) and ive obviously kicked him out whilst I think things through. He wants to come back and make a go of things... was feeling stressed... escapism etc etc. I dont know what im going to do and he has moved out
Her child is in the same class as one of our children and it is a very small village school. Children know basics of whats happened and who it was with ( we had to tell them as gossip will be rife and they know the ow quite well). Ive told lots of my friends who are also mums at school.
How the actual fuck am I goingm to cope with seeing her every day????? Im not going to shout and scream jeremy kyle style but how do I keep my cool?

And I know h and possibly ow know I post on mumsnet whixh ive why ive tried to hide my post here, but if u r reading theis h or ow you are both complete skanks.

And as someone reminded me; she's probably terrified you are going to kick off at any unknown point. Your being silent and dignified will be terrifying.....You hold many more cards.....

Make sure you look more gorgeous than her at all times. I was thinner than her for a while too which cheered me (she was known to have eating problems & was constantly striving to be skinnier - I just lost my appetite with the stress). I invited every child but her DS to my DS's party (a bit mean, I know).

I resisted the temptation to write "SLAG" in giant weedkiller letters on her front lawn but may have signed her up to a few catalogues with her surname misspelt in a rude way

13 years later I still have to drive past her house & it still bothers me if she bumps into me & I'm either scruffy (sometimes) or wearing no makeup (often)

Hang on in there - it does slowly improve

Absolutely tell the HT and class teacher. This will affect your child and incase anything happens in the classroom the staff will be forewarned. They will want to avoid adult clashes as well eg adjacent parent appointments and volunteering situations etc. Hold your head up and be strong! Good luck.

Thanks everyone. Ive had a lovely day with children today. Just feeling sad its nearly bed time and ive got noone to share my evening with.
Ive cut off all contact with h for a week. Got fed up with the self pity. Ive been reading shirley glass and don't know if i can give it a go or not..... Andif you'd asked me last week i was a "ltb" type of person.

Id love for someone to tell me what im meant to do next. Relate?? Have him back? Divorce?? Fuck knows :( :(. One minute im thinking id be better off alone the next i'm thinking that we could make it.

Thanks for the advice.... I know what i like to do... Especially the fat slag bit :). Dignified silence seems to be the general gist. I have another week to go anyway and by then hopefully i'll be able to hold it together. Thanks for listening

Taking him back means he can just do it again. Could you live with the uncertainty? Having an affair with someone so close, well, he doesn't care about you at all does he? Not only the infidelity but the potential humiliation and embarrassment in the village. Horrible.

You wont want to hear this but, its your DH who has caused you this much pain and HE is the reason you are so concerned about the school run. Its HIM that didnt care less about YOU or your feelings. That is not a man worthy of YOU. I hope you find the strength to realise this.

Op-you don't have to decide anything at all yet.

Take your time and consider only your future and what it is you want.

I agree with the above poster, it's your h who has put you through this. His fault that you cannot face the school run,his fault that your dcs may feel pain, his fault that you are the talk of the village.

Initially it is always the ow who gets the blame, in truth she owes you nothing , your h does and he is to blame.

He will minimise what has happened, make out that it was nothing it's you he wants etc etc. it's all part of the adulterers script.

Take care and don't forget it is healthy to get angry with him.

How are the children?

I think in this case the ow crossed boundaries of trust which make her pretty culpable (which is unusual for me to say).

I agree though that it is your h who is responsible for this not her and you must see that it is irrational to have such a fear of ow that you are worrying about dropping the kids off at school but such forgiveness for him that you are considering letting your h come back into the family home. It indicates that you may be transferring the blame from him to her IMO.

If you can bear seeing your h in your house every day then I don't see why seeing the ow at school is any different.

Why would you consider having him back and then have such venom for her? He's the one who let you down the most spectacularly.

You either accept that it happened, forgive them both and move on, or you don't forgive either of them and fantasise about awful things to say and do to him too! I'm no OW apologist, I think any woman who knowingly sleeps with a MM is a bitch of the highest order, but then I'd never forgive the man either. They're both as bad as each other.

The thing is ive been/am angry at my husband. Ive sworn ranted and raved. He knows exactly how i feel. And i have to have him in my house to a certain extent because the of contact with the children. Plus (other than this monumental betrayal) he was is great. And I appreciate I may never forgive him but once you are in the position going through it its difficult to know what you'd do.

Meanwhile she too had a position of trust with me as she professionally looked after my child. I have no shared history with her. Id quite like to rant and rave at her like i did my husband.... But every time i see her my children and other mums will be there and that makes it harder.

So i dont think im transferring my rage on to her im just thinking about the least worst choices i can make in this horrible situation

How did you find out about the affair?
Did h sit you down and confess everything out of the blue saying he had decided to end it?

Or did someone else tell you, or did you discover it for yourself?

Did he confess to the truth straight away without any prompting from you or did he reveal only what you already knew?

Unfortunately we see this as staff a lot. Please try and keep as much of your personal life private. Parents can share way too much detail. Obv if it really affects the kids then say. Otherwise - be discrete

It is possible to be angry with both parties. The fact that I kept a mental voodoo doll of OW in my head didn't stop me being furious with h. But the fact that she was there to be hated allowed me to refrain from actually killing him!! ... she was a safety valve. I think that is a perfectly valid way to approach it. The feeling lasted as long as I needed it to, once the rage had calmed I was indifferent to her.

Of course this was Virtual OW not the flesh and blood one. When I saw the real one briefly 6m after dday, I felt sick and shaky. It was horrible.

I get so upset when posters in shock after discovering an affair are constantly slapped on the wrist for being angry at the affair partner. IMO anything, short of violence, goes to get through that time. And no-one knowingly involved in an affair is altogether innocent.

It's not the OW who is the long term problem but she is a nasty reminder. Not quite the helping hand and stimulating 1:1 attention you had in mind when booking childcare.

If you are able to ignore her and remain tight - lipped to all but closest allies you will come out of this with your head held high.

As for your H he is beyond contempt but if you take him back you know what he is capable of. Your youngest is 3 months and during that pregnancy H was round the corner with Manky Poppins, sorry OP but escapism from who? His loving wife? His pfb? From what, home? Work? Life? Decency? Morals? All those boring suffocating things that are bearable by sneaking off and boffing some villager.

manky poppins

She's a bitch op, you're allowed to think that & it's perfectly acceptable to be dreading seeing her.

Hold your head up, be kind to yourself. Make sure you keep off the alcohol, get sleep, look good and prepare yourself. You'll get through this.

What woman with a new baby needs to be dealing with this shit.

Pair of bastards.

In response to susan he told me before she did. He says it was over months ago but she "wanted more from him" and was jeqlous. He says its definitely over. I am obviously taking everything with a pinch of salt. I think hes told me everything straight off... Who knows anymore.

Whats pissing me off the most is now hes saying that hes off work with "stress" an

D so he can do all childcare and i can go back to work... WTAF. so i have to go back to work to pay bills and he gets to swan around with my fecking baby!!! So ANGRY

Do you want him home with your baby and the ow round the corner?

Can you organize childcare? Or extend your maternity?

HE seems to think he is doind best for children..... And as soon as i say hold on , im not happy with that i get the old" using children as a weapon bollox".

This hasn't happened to me but it did happen to parents at my DC's Primary school.
The wife and OW's DC were in the same class.

Do remember that you other parents will be appalled on your behalf, even when they don't say so and that the gossip will die down.
It will become old news quite quickly.

I agree with wearing sunglasses and do try to rise above it.
I'm sorry OP

Im already back at work. Because of whats happened ds3 wont be able to go to his childcare. His mum, friends and childminder were used for baby the rest of time.

However if he needs to rent somewhere and off work i cant afford mortgage on my own and pay for childcare for both. So he is mking it sound like a reasonable course of action for him to have them.b

Have been where you are for the last two years.
You do need to go and talk to school firstly there maybe issues between the children and school need to know everything to be able to handle it correctly. My DD did something horrible (not physical) to the other child, she was pulled up and punished for it, but it was handled in a very different way to normal due to the background. School have been very accommodating to me so that as far as possible we do bump into each other at events such as parents evening. I suffered anxiety attacks initially and they even allowed me to sit in an anteroom to listen to a concert as I couldn't bear to be in the room with her.
Through all of this I have maintained composure and been dignified and put the children first at all times.
My ExH took up with OW who was already an alcoholic, he then became an alcoholic the whole thing has spiraled out of controlled with them verbally abuse my DD. DD revealed all of this to a teacher which because they have the full story they handled brilliantly. Ultimately I have had to have an awful messy contact battle to protect DD which school have stood shoulder to shoulder with me over as I have been about her welfare all along.
School have got DD counselling in the normal school and are fabulously supportive of us both.

Seems to me that your 'd'h is holding you to ransom.

He seems to be forcing you into accepting all of this while trying to make out he's indispensable.

How do you know he won't continue on with manky Poppins while you're at work?

Does he take any responsibility for the terrible situation HE has caused for you & your children?