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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't know what to think

70 replies

feelputout · 13/04/2014 21:50

I have namechanged for this. Regular poster and lurker.

I've been married some years now. Me and DH have had rocky times but always got by the best we can. We have DC together.

We don't have as much sex as some married couples have and that's my fault as since the children I just don't feel as attractive as I was, DH constantly tells me I am beautiful, gorgeous, sexy etc

I don't know why I feel this way but I suppose when you have children it can change you. Right??

We've talked and talked and DH has spoken about sleeping with other people I.e each other knowing about it, having set 'rules' and being completely honest with each other. Basically swinging but without the other partner there.
Now I know what you're thinking? He wants his cakes and to eat it too and tbh I am kind of shifting to thinking that myself.

It is not something I would do myself as I married for richer for poorer for sickness and in health yadda yadda

I've told him it's not something I will do and if I am completely honest I would not want to hear about him sleeping with someone else as I'd have that imagine all the time in my head of what they did - you get the picture!!

I just feel stuck in the middle of why? Why would he suggest this?

OP posts:

CookieLady · 13/04/2014 22:25

How horrible for you to put in this position. What he's suggesting isn't swinging it's called an open marriage.

Have you told him you aren't happy with his bright idea?

TheVictorian · 13/04/2014 22:34

it helps your marriage, rather than you two splitting up.

VelmaD · 13/04/2014 22:39

How often do you have sex? How often do you want it? How often does he want it? How often is he proposing these sex nights? Will he happily babysit for you to go off on one, or is it expected that you will be the good wife at home with the kids whilst he gets to go out snagging, and then come home to the 2.4 children, cosy home, family time, clean house?

If you're unsure and he does this it could well be the nail in the coffin for your marraige. Have you tried avenues such as counselling, time away from the children etc?

overmydeadbody · 13/04/2014 22:39

I'm guessing he suggested it as a possible way he might be able to stay with you but still get the amount of sex he wants? I guess it's better than not asking you and just cheating

I think it is a horrible situation to put you in, he could have suggested some couples councelling first or sex therapy or something.

Are you still attracted to him sexually? Do you want to improve your sex life with him or are you happy with how things are?

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 13/04/2014 22:41

I'm sorry but he would be out the door.

sunshinysummer · 13/04/2014 22:42

Is he trying to tell you that he needs/wants more sex with you but if that doesn't happen then he doesn't want to have an affair.

In a fairly rubbish way is he trying to reassure you? To try and keep things open and honest.

If you were having sex more often would he still want an open relationship?

Nothing has happened yet that can't be undone so have you tried counselling? Talking this through might help.

Liara · 13/04/2014 22:47

I know I seem to be totally unique in this, but I would be OK with this, unless you would actually want to have more sex and just need to get over your issues around it.

If you just don't want any sex with him any more but are happy otherwise, then I personally don't see the problem with him getting the sex elsewhere - but if you aren't comfortable with it it is also completely OK for you to say no.

It would also be fair enough for him to end the marriage at that point though - I don't think you have an automatic right to deprive another person from sex indefinitely for no particularly good reason.

Original poster

feelputout · 13/04/2014 22:50

Counselling hasn't been suggested no.

We do not have sex as often as we should. Prob once twice a month :-(
He'd have it every night if he could ;-) wouldn't all men Lol

I don't want to I out sleeping with other men just to keep my sex life alive. It is not me.

OP posts:

Original poster

feelputout · 13/04/2014 22:51

I do very much enjoy sex with my husband. It's amazing. I just don't want it every night. I get sore and it can hurt. Always has been a problem for me.

OP posts:

LEMmingaround · 13/04/2014 22:54

Well my advice to you is, it shouldn't hurt, maybe you should speak to your GP about this - or is he actually arousing you and getting you wet enough? sorry for tmi

Secondly, find someone who appreciates YOU, sex or no sex and i'll bet you'll want mroe sex with them.

You have sex twice a month and he wants to look elsewhere - why would he ask?? Because he is a cunt

VelmaD · 13/04/2014 22:55

Once or twice a month is not unusual. I think that's average for married couples isn't it on these stupid survey things?

I think his suggestions would destroy you, and your marraige - you clearly love him and believe in monogamy.

would you go to counselling with him? You can talk together about all of this, and maybe find something that helps both of you? Have you looked at lubes which could stop you getting sore? Can you get a sitter for a weekend away, somewhere to spend time together and talk and stuff, without hushed rushed tones of children asleep?

Liara · 13/04/2014 22:55

Then I suggest you go and see a doctor to find out why you are experiencing soreness and pain from sex - you should not be. If it is not a physical issue maybe a sex therapist of some sort. You need to get that addressed, how can anyone enjoy sex if it leaves them feeling sore?

No, all men do not want sex every day. But if they are constantly rejected they might ask for it every day, just on the off chance. Leads to a really bad dynamic. There is a big difference between having sex every night and once or twice a month, and for most people 'normal' would fall somewhere in between.

LEMmingaround · 13/04/2014 22:56

Liara - she isn't depriving him from sex, and it is hurting her - FFS, yeah, you are pretty unique i'd say. Maybe a throwback from 1953

Liara · 13/04/2014 22:58

My first post was based on the information given in her OP - I have responded to her update.

If it was a man who refused to have sex then many on here would tell the woman to leave - it can be very destructive to one's self esteem.

DirtySkirtings · 13/04/2014 23:02

You had it right at

"having his cake and eating it"

He knows you don't want to have an open marriage. He just wants your permission to have an affair.

How considerate of him. Not.

sunshinysummer · 13/04/2014 23:18

Maybe he is just being honest and saying that the lack of compatibility in terms of sex drive is a big issue for him and he is looking at ways to stay in the marriage and resolve the issue?

I can see why you wouldn't want it more frequently if it hurts. Have you spoken to a Dr? Tried different things?

LEMmingaround · 13/04/2014 23:28

It is probably hurting because the useless fucker isn't stimulating her properly and being gentle enough. She isn't refusing him sex - she says she likes sex with her partner, just that she doesn't want it as much as he does. The age of conjugal (sorry i cant spell it) its well and truly over you know

So instead of finding ways to help them both enjoy a healthy sex life (i would want it more than twice a month i admit) he suggests going out and fucking someone else - disgusting.

You don't say how old your children are, what other difficulties you have been having.

Original poster

feelputout · 13/04/2014 23:39

No other difficulties!
It's not during it's afterwards when it hurts. Nothing dr can do - spoke about it during some appts.

I just don't feel comfortable with it.

OP posts:

LEMmingaround · 14/04/2014 09:11

I wouldn't be happy about it either - so thats that then isn't it - or at least it should be, he had the idea, you have said you are not happy with it so he should respect that. Do you think he will? or do you think he has someone lined up already?

VelmaD · 14/04/2014 09:17

I would say my gut says he's found someone already and was hoping to get the ok tbh.

Sex shouldn't hurt afterwards. Have you asked to see a gyneacologist instead of the usual GP?

DocMcStuffinsBigBookOfOuches · 14/04/2014 09:51

My husband would like to have sex every day. I would be happy with once a year currently (stupidly low libido due to health issue).

He wanks in a sock. This is because he loves me and doesn't want to just have sex. He wants to have sex with me.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/04/2014 09:56

OP I suppose he thinks an open marriage is a solution to a problem he has with your lack of libido. I hope he hears your unwillingness to go along with this. You don't say you never have sex, in fact you've said you enjoy lovemaking with your H, but it's a question of quantity not quality as far as he's concerned. I can't help but wonder how much sex you and he think other couples have.

feelputout when you tell him if I am completely honest I would not want to hear about him sleeping with someone else I hope he doesn't 'misinterpret' that as, providing you never hear about it, you'll turn a blind eye to any extra-marital activity.

In theory having set rules and being completely honest about it sounds clear-thinking and quite reasonable. But how would he guarantee no emotional attachment with whoever his partner is,at all? Are you meant to feign unawareness of that pre-date buzz when you know he's anticipating the next encounter? Do you then walk around town wondering if that female or this woman is his 'type', if she might be one of his dates?

Yes TheVictorian it works for some people.

zzzzz · 14/04/2014 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Feelputout · 14/04/2014 10:10

Donkeys that's exactly how I'd feel - what if she's more than just a shag, what if she's stunning or his type. What if he forms and attachment to her. He said 'can only sleep with one person once, no mobile contact, Facebook contact etc
Where is he expecting to find these willing participants. I have no clue.

OP posts:

Original poster

Feelputout · 14/04/2014 10:18

I just feel really teary about it today. It's like a kick in the face.
I love you but your not enough so we should start and haves ex with other people kind of feeling!

OP posts:

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