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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't know what to think

70 replies

feelputout · 13/04/2014 21:50

I have namechanged for this. Regular poster and lurker.

I've been married some years now. Me and DH have had rocky times but always got by the best we can. We have DC together.

We don't have as much sex as some married couples have and that's my fault as since the children I just don't feel as attractive as I was, DH constantly tells me I am beautiful, gorgeous, sexy etc

I don't know why I feel this way but I suppose when you have children it can change you. Right??

We've talked and talked and DH has spoken about sleeping with other people I.e each other knowing about it, having set 'rules' and being completely honest with each other. Basically swinging but without the other partner there.
Now I know what you're thinking? He wants his cakes and to eat it too and tbh I am kind of shifting to thinking that myself.

It is not something I would do myself as I married for richer for poorer for sickness and in health yadda yadda

I've told him it's not something I will do and if I am completely honest I would not want to hear about him sleeping with someone else as I'd have that imagine all the time in my head of what they did - you get the picture!!

I just feel stuck in the middle of why? Why would he suggest this?

OP posts:

TalisaMaegyr · 14/04/2014 12:45

There are a few people on here that seem to think twice a month is depriving DH of sex I personally think that is perfectly normal for a couple with dc.

Keepithidden · 14/04/2014 12:57

No AF, although I suppose he may. I don't know, I'm not him.

I was simply offering an answer to the practical questions being raised, and suggesting that it (the practical reasons) isn't the only motivation that he has.

Apologies if that caused offence OP, I meant no upset.

Keepithidden · 14/04/2014 12:57

Talisa - I don't think there is a 'normal'.

Vivacia · 14/04/2014 13:03

Me too Talisa.

Ledkr · 14/04/2014 13:05

Am I old fashioned? When I'm in love with someone I genuinely don't want sex with anyone else, I really don't. When I was single I had lots of no strings sex which I enjoyed but when I meet someone I really love and connect with I just stop wanting it with other people. When I'm out with friends I don't even notice if I'm being looked at or think it's anything but friendly if a man chats to me.
I'm sure that solid gold bras would give me a good telling off for that though

Ledkr · 14/04/2014 13:05

Brass not bras

Keepithidden · 14/04/2014 13:11

No, you're not old fashioned Ledkr. I feel the same, hence why I would not suggest (what OPs DH has) this to DW despite living in a pretty much sexless marriage myself.

But we're all different, part of life's rich pageant...!

BUt yeah, SGB wouldn't approve!

Ledkr · 14/04/2014 13:33

She sure wouldn't.

That's not to say I don't appreciate a fine looking man (think Idris) but I wouldn't want sex with him much

Original poster

Feelputout · 14/04/2014 15:01

Yes I change back to original name then changed again to reply and made a mess of it lol

I've told Dh I will not have an open relationship - apparently he wants to try new things. I know it's only 'sex' but to me it's not. But I've told him if it keeps him with me then go ahead. I told him I won't be happy about it but if it keeps us together then what else can I do

OP posts:

TalisaMaegyr · 14/04/2014 15:09

But why would you want to stay together with someone that has such disregard for your feelings?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/04/2014 15:13

If he wants to try new things there's no shame in shopping for some toys and experimenting, if of course it's new vaginas he's after then no I don't suppose he is interested in investing in your sex life together.

Jan45 · 14/04/2014 15:30

OP you sound so desperate to keep this guy at any cost, where's your self respect? Don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with, including sex.

TheOrchardKeeper · 14/04/2014 15:30

It's basically over either way then.

How will you feel once he's fucking someone else? What about if he leaves for that person!?

PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 14/04/2014 15:33

Why are you telling him 'go ahead, i wont like it, but go on then' are you hoping he'll change his mind knowing that you wont like it? Because i don't think that will stop him.

Why not just be honest? It surprises me how some people can not speak their minds and be honest with their partners, why not just say 'no, i don't like this idea and don't want you to do it' then if he still does it leave him.

Ledkr · 14/04/2014 15:40

Call his bluff, tell him it's ok and you will be starting later this week with a gorgeous 25 yr old you met online.
I bet he wouldn't be so keen then,

slithytove · 14/04/2014 15:56

I think if you are letting him have sex with other people to keep him with you, it will mean the end of the relationship.

Either it will be so unbearable for you (every time he is out, out late, on a work do, anything, you will wonder if he is having sex?!) that you won't be able to carry on, or as others have said, he will end up finding someone for more than just sex.

This isn't about an open relationship, it's about two people working together to make their relationship work. If you are essentially being forced into letting him sleep with other people, this is not two people working together.

I feel really sorry for you because I can see the pain in your posts and this is just an awful position he has put you in. If it were me the very fact he has suggested it would make me question him and the entire relationship.

I would not give him the go ahead. If he wants to sleep with other people, he should at least feel guilty about it knowing it's cheating.

I'm sorry I can't be more help.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2014 16:00

Oh dear. This thread will run and run now. You sound a detached, OP. A bit unreal.

Vivacia · 14/04/2014 16:32

I think he has someone lined up. This isn't about an open relationship because you don't want to have sex with other people and he wants to have sex with others without telling you, doesn't he?

tilliebob · 14/04/2014 16:42

See, I'd have emailed him saying that I'd thought about it, got someone lined up and could he watch the dcs on Friday night please?

Would be interesting to see his reaction to that. If my DH suggested that arrangement I'd be arranging for Pickfords to move his stuff out the house,

aegeansky · 14/04/2014 16:45

Hey, I'm a guy. I went through a long relationship then marriage that was fine for many years but ended in virtually no intimacy, and that was difficult. But we tried everything before we gave up.

I don't think what your DH is proposing is at all fair or realistic. It isn't putting your relationship first. There's no way in a million years that allowing him to shag other women will even maintain your relationship, let alone make things better. You already know this.

I think he's being selfish to ask you - and no, it's not much that much better than doing it without asking you as it isn't at all sensitive to the way you are feeling. This is horrible behaviour,as it subordinates the survival of your relationship to his immediate sexual needs. He should fucking grow up.

If he loves you and he wants to stay with you and you with him, then he should be willing to investigate the various options for dealing with this that don't involve infidelity. That will just end up hurting one, two, or three people - or even more.

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