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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't know what to think

70 replies

feelputout · 13/04/2014 21:50

I have namechanged for this. Regular poster and lurker.

I've been married some years now. Me and DH have had rocky times but always got by the best we can. We have DC together.

We don't have as much sex as some married couples have and that's my fault as since the children I just don't feel as attractive as I was, DH constantly tells me I am beautiful, gorgeous, sexy etc

I don't know why I feel this way but I suppose when you have children it can change you. Right??

We've talked and talked and DH has spoken about sleeping with other people I.e each other knowing about it, having set 'rules' and being completely honest with each other. Basically swinging but without the other partner there.
Now I know what you're thinking? He wants his cakes and to eat it too and tbh I am kind of shifting to thinking that myself.

It is not something I would do myself as I married for richer for poorer for sickness and in health yadda yadda

I've told him it's not something I will do and if I am completely honest I would not want to hear about him sleeping with someone else as I'd have that imagine all the time in my head of what they did - you get the picture!!

I just feel stuck in the middle of why? Why would he suggest this?

OP posts:

ThePriory · 14/04/2014 10:43

It's a shocking thing to suggest if it's totally out of the blue like that. No wonder you'r confused.

I have known a couple in an 'open' relationship, but they started out like that in the first place. Might I add importantly that the arrangement failed spectacularly.

It's impossible to have an open/swinging relationship without at least one person getting hurt.

I could only suggest couples conselling, as it would be a real shame for your relationship to fall apart solely because of a difference in sex drive.

fairylightsintheloft · 14/04/2014 10:57

I don't think its helpful to say "its impossible to have an open relationship without someone getting hurt" because in SOME cases it DOES work. There are no absolutes in relationships. Personally I would be more than happy with an open relationship but I have always been able to separate sex from love. In my view the two things don't have to be remotely related (though of course they can be). However, OP, YOU are not happy with the idea therefore it can't proceed. Its sounds like you do need to work with your DH to address the problem between the two of you. I actually partially agree with Liara that it is not unreasonable for him to want sex and for him to be looking for a solution. I wonder what the reaction would be on here if a woman said her husband rarely wants her or is able to perform and should she just get herself off for the rest of her life?

zzzzz · 14/04/2014 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Feelputout · 14/04/2014 11:02

Can't afford counselling. So that's
out. It seems as if he wants to shag anything that moves whilst he has little wifey at home looking after kids cleaning making meals, running around like a blue areas fly but it's ok because she has the same set of rules too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Feelputout · 14/04/2014 11:04

I said in an email to him (prefer not to be face to face / I get my words out better) I said that if he wants to then I won't stop him but I don't want to know about it. Hoping the response would be about scrapping the idea but instead I got back an email explaining g that it's a lot to think about and he'll get back to me on his decision on having sex with others whilst I play non suspecting wifey

Surely he should have thought she's not that comfortable with it. It's not a good idea.

OP posts:

zzzzz · 14/04/2014 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/04/2014 11:12

Ouch I am afraid he will take that as a green light. This of all times is the moment to talk face to face. Let him look you in the eye and explain how he doesn't equate an open marriage/free pass to have sex with others with your relationship taking a turn for the worse.

Casmama · 14/04/2014 11:12

You need to be absolutely clear about what you want - you've basically said to him that there are no negative consequences if he does this which is both untrue and unfair. I think it is pretty horrible that he has suggested this but think it is crazy that you can explain how you feel on here and then email him basically giving him the green light!

Original poster

Feelputout · 14/04/2014 11:13

I have done. Said what it would make me feel like.

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/04/2014 11:17

I wonder what the reaction would be on here if a woman said her husband rarely wants her or is able to perform and should she just get herself off for the rest of her life?

fairylights OP has said she loves her H, enjoys being physical and they dtd so it's not as if she is banning sex. Not having it nightly as he would like is not going to injure him.

wigglylines · 14/04/2014 11:21

You need to start being straight with him. Please don't tell him you're ok for him to go behind your back if you're not, and just to get a particular response.

Instead, please be honest about how you feel. Start by telling him you think it's a terrible idea (and grounds for divorce, if that's how you feel) Have you discussed how sex hurts with him?

zzzzz · 14/04/2014 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jan45 · 14/04/2014 11:24

Sex one or twice a month and he's wanting to cheat basically, how is that right? Believe it or not but no not all men want sex every single night.

Sorry OP, he clearly is wanting to behave like a single man and go out there seeing what's on offer, I don't see how this has to do with sex when he's getting it twice a month.

Biggest insult a man could make to me personally, he'd be shown the door and told to go shag who he wants but don't come back.

VelmaD · 14/04/2014 11:25

You need to be firm. He is taking this as a green light to have his cake and eat it. He either stays faithful and works at the marriage - maybe doing more to help you so you dont feel as exhausted every day - or he needs to fuck off and be a Batchelor and shag around, having his kids on weekends.

its harsh, but you cannot be a doormat pandering to his wants to keep him happy. You deserve more than that.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 14/04/2014 11:38

I only tolerated wanted sex every few months with my XH. With DP it's every day, sometimes several times.

Tell your h that sex outside of marriage is a good solution, then go and find yourself some. See if it seems like such a good idea if it's you doing it. Tell him not to worry, you won't compare or telling him the details. I can guarantee, you'll find it easier to locate willing accomplices than he will.

Seriously, if you're not happy with it, don't do it. And if you can't afford counselling, you can't afford a divorce either. It's one or the other. Do you want to invest in trying to save your marriage or would you rather take his unorthodox approach and use the money to pay a good solicitor?

AnyFucker · 14/04/2014 11:46

OP, what are you doing ?

You just gave your H the green light to shag around with your consent. Is that what you wanted ?

Tbh, in my relationship just the request (whether vetoed or not) would be greeted with "off you go sunshine, good luck with that, don't bother coming back"

If that response if what you prefer, tel him

Otherwise you are game playing and I think you are going to lose

AnyFucker · 14/04/2014 11:48

OP, you are not showing up highlighted as the OP. Have you changed the spelling of your name midthread ?

slithytove · 14/04/2014 11:52

AF she has capitalised it, I noticed that too

fairylightsintheloft · 14/04/2014 12:07

I'm absolutely with the OP in the sense that she does not want this "solution" and am not condoning what her DH is doing /suggesting. I just meant that when there is an imbalance in the libidos of partners, it has to be addressed one way or another. Interesting that there is another thread on "No Intimacy" and several people have already suggested that if the situation doesn't improve the OP on that thread should consider leaving the relationship. I'm not sure if it matters if its NO intimacy or rare intimacy or whatever. A rate that both partners can tolerate needs to be found or else it can't work and what that rate is will be different in every single case as will the solutions that are acceptable to each couple, whether that's an open marriage or wanking into a sock!

Vivacia · 14/04/2014 12:15

Differing libidos has often come up in my relationships. In fact, after the carefree teens and with the responsibilities of adulthood, is the situation ever not this?

What happens is that you talk and cherish each other. You look for solutions and compromise. And you talk some more.

What you don't do, is say, "have sex the way I want it or else I'll have sex with someone else".

Ledkr · 14/04/2014 12:20

We do not have sex as often as we should. Prob once twice a month :-(
He'd have it every night if he could ;-) wouldn't all men Lol

No I don't think they do actually. My dh and I are raising our children together and both work hard in our jobs. We both get knackered and would rather sometimes sleep or rest but we also have sex when we both want to as well.

It's sounds as if you think "men's" have got some strange need for frequent sex which is a bit of a myth and thinking this will not help you be rational while thinking this through.

What a horrible position to out you in.

Ledkr · 14/04/2014 12:24

Where is he planning on getting all this extra sex from, anyway? My single friends don't get lucky very often, has he someone in mind do you think?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/04/2014 12:32

I just meant that when there is an imbalance in the libidos of partners, it has to be addressed one way or another

I agree Fairylights. Tbh I thought you were saying something else prompted by seeing the prefix "I wonder what the reaction would be..." which often signals a suggestion that if the opposite sex had posted this thread we'd say something different.

I thought perhaps OP had somehow changed her nn slightly in the rush to adjust MN passwords since posting yesterday?

Keepithidden · 14/04/2014 12:39

Where is he planning on getting all this extra sex from, anyway?

I am not defending the OP's DH, but sometimes it's the feeling that there are other options (not even just as far as sex is concerned), rather than being stuck in a given situation for the rest of your life.

Even a small, practically non-existent escape route is a crumb of comfort sometimes.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2014 12:40

So this bloke might just be pretending he wants to play away ?

Very "comforting" for his wife

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