Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

f*****g fuming with dh

86 replies

orangegiraffe · 22/08/2006 10:15

This morning, after getting up with 10 month old, 6.00am, changing, feeding etc.
Dh tells me it is my job to make his lunch.
ffs whats that all about.
We had a big arguement and he left for work.
vent vent I could kick his arse

OP posts:
schneebly · 22/08/2006 10:17

Tell him to grow up ffs!

Blackduck · 22/08/2006 10:18

I wouldn't make his dinner either after that remark

ScummyMummy · 22/08/2006 10:19

What a complete prat.

Original poster
orangegiraffe · 22/08/2006 10:20

No, I am not making his dinner.

OP posts:
Original poster
orangegiraffe · 22/08/2006 10:21

or doing his effin work shirts. I am officially on strike.

OP posts:
quokka · 22/08/2006 10:21

go on stike! Especially in the bedroom, and see how he likes that.

Blackduck · 22/08/2006 10:23

put a bill in....

Fimbo · 22/08/2006 10:24

Ha, I had this "it's your job" nonsense from my dh a while ago. I went off for the day and left the children with him and the chores to do - he was a reformed character and now quite happily helps out.

Original poster
orangegiraffe · 22/08/2006 10:26

pmsl blackduck
I will send him an invoice for my services

OP posts:
Carmenere · 22/08/2006 10:31

I have to say OG that I actually left an ex-fiancee when he told me that ironing his shirts was my duty. It was a catalyst really, I just knew that we were poles apart because he did actually believe it.
I would tell him that he should have ironed that little detail out before you got married FFS.

stitch · 22/08/2006 10:43

does he provide for you?
does he pay the bills?
does he give you a roof over your head and pay for your food and clothing?

if he does all that then not making his lunch would be churlish of you.
by saying it is your job to do so, he is only being childish, rude and inconsiderate. but is it really worth the big arguement? will you also act in the same childish way?
just some thoughts,

meowmix · 22/08/2006 10:51

I can see why you're fuming but as the breadwinner for our family while DH is the SAHD I can tell you that he sees running the house/making dinenr etc as "his job" whereas mine is to provide the wherewithal. Thats just the way he views it so maybe your dh is having the same kind of thought but expressing it REALLY badly?

crunchie · 22/08/2006 10:56

Is he wants his lunch he can make it, I cannot believe he used the words 'it's your job'!!!

He might go to work/bring in teh money etc, but does that mean he works 9 - 5 and you should work 6am - 11pm or something!!!

Stich I can see what you are saying, but surely OG 'job' is looking after the baby? Not making a grown mans lunch.

crunchie · 22/08/2006 10:59

meowmix, BUT when you get home, do you sit on your arse and do jack? leaving your dh to run around making dinner, ironing shirts, making your lunch??? Or do you hink once you are home it becomes a shared responsibility.

IMHO If I was a SAHM I would effectively 'work' for the hours dh was at work, then once he was home we should share the 'work'. Yes I would think the bulk of teh housework etc would be part of my 'job' BUT at the same time it shouldn't mean dh gets away with doing nothing.

alligator · 22/08/2006 11:00

Dp is a SAHD and I certainly dont see it as part of his 'job' to make my lunch. Part of his job to make dd's lunch certainly but I'm an adult and capable of providing for my own needs.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/08/2006 11:03

Can i suggest, if he views it as "your job", you present him with an invoice for said work that you have carried out?

Also put in a claim for overtime for the hours you work before and after 9 to 5.

clumsymum · 22/08/2006 11:05

As I work part-time from home, and dh is away Monday to Friday, then it is "my job" to look after ds, and ensure to the best of my ability that the household chores are done, dh has clean shirts to pack for next week, etc.

But if something happens that means I don't have time to get the shopping on a Friday morning, or iron his shirts for next week, then dh happily accepts that, and gets on with doing it.

If you have been too busy, or you are just too tired to pack up your dh's lunch, then he can either do it himself, or buy some. Alternatively, HE can change the baby while you make his lunch tomorrow.

Oh and show him this posting if you like.

Perhaps you should form a Union, so you can clearly designate your roles. Just make sure that his are equally designated, and you don't do any of them for him if he hasn't had time/couldn't be ar$ed.

Carmenere · 22/08/2006 11:07

What about respect and mutual accord? You are both adults engaged in the difficult job of raising a family and trying to get by in the modern world.

Heathcliffscathy · 22/08/2006 11:12

oh FFS!

Stich: did orangegiraffe carry their baby for 9 months
did she give birth to it?
does she stay at home with the baby thus enabling her dh to go out and work and continue in his career without a break?
does she look after their baby with all that that is about?
does she deal with the career denting that is having a baby?
does she deal with the denigration that can accompany being a mother?

DOES ALL OF THIS MEAN SHE ASSUMES THAT IT IS HER DH'S JOB TO F-ING MAKE HER SUPPER (a far more justifiable position than his)? NO

FFS

VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/08/2006 11:12

In all seriousness, I think its an issue of principles here. I agree that he was really quite rude.

I think we can all agree that its a given that if one partner goes to work and the other stays home the then SAHP generally should do the lionshare of the housework because they are home more to do it. Then whenever the other comes home from their 9-5 they both share the responsibilty for dinner/bath/bed/whatever.

I suspect Mr OG got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.

TBH, I dont mind doing a lunch for DP at all although I work only 9 hours a week less than him, I am at home until 2.30pm so if i can prepare a dinner/lunch to make his life easier then I'll try to.

Then again, i usually get a longer sleep in the mornings because he gets up with DD, AND when I come home from work at 10pm there is always a cup of tea waiting and b/pump washed and ready to go.

Its all about give and take. Its okay to be pissed off at him - as I said - he was rude. But I think it pointless to make a whole battle out of the whole "its your job/I am the breadwinner" issue, because, quite frankly, it will just end up becoming a petty dispute.

Make your point, tell him you dont mind doing things for him, but, that it isnt your job to do so, and it is rude and disrespectful to you to say so.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/08/2006 11:14

that should say for him to say so.....

Heathcliffscathy · 22/08/2006 11:15

VVV I don't agree. Looking after a baby at home is AT LEAST as difficult as going and working in a job. Therefore the chores should be split two ways.

it is a sad truth that most men assume that being a stay at home mother involves being a mother not only to the child but to the man too.

dark ages

Heathcliffscathy · 22/08/2006 11:16

totally agree that it is about give and take and mutual respect. just disagree with the assumptions on here about what constitutes fair splits of labour.

MrsFio · 22/08/2006 11:18

it isnt the 1950s ffs! you do not have to make your husbands lunch or dinner!!!

If he asked you nicely, I personally most probably would though but I dont think it is your actual duty

VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/08/2006 11:23

If both parents worked at home, then yes, that would be a very workable solution.

BUT,for instance..... if both parents get up a 6am, then one leaves the house from 9am and doesnt get back till at least 5pm, then children go to bed at 7pm and parents go to bed at 10pm you have one person who is able to be in the home and carry out housework for 16 hours. The other person is only there for 8 hours - half the time. Now, whilst looking after children is a full time job - i have 2 so im aware of the difficulties - you arent giving them one to one attention for the whole 13 hours, are you?

I agree that it is split equally when both parents are in the house at the same time, but I think its daft and really quite selfish to expect the parent that goes out to work all day to then cram in half the housework duties because its "fair".

That aside, I'd be bored out of my box if all i did all day was look after my children and nothing else. Housework fills the gaps in between feeding, changing and during naps.