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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

f*****g fuming with dh

86 replies

orangegiraffe · 22/08/2006 10:15

This morning, after getting up with 10 month old, 6.00am, changing, feeding etc.
Dh tells me it is my job to make his lunch.
ffs whats that all about.
We had a big arguement and he left for work.
vent vent I could kick his arse

OP posts:

kama · 22/08/2006 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

orangegiraffe · 22/08/2006 15:13

omg, didnt expect all this, thanks for all your replies.
In answer to all your questions, I work part time and have 3 children and pay a majority of the bills.
I really feel undervalued as a wife, I told him this morning that if he needs a mother, he can go back home.
I expect he will come home with a sorry and a big bunch of flowers tonight but I cant be putting up with this attitude, so there will be no dinner for him.
Everyones circumstances are different with there dp's/dh's and I can see that as opionions are varied but this is chauvanistic crap.

OP posts:

clumsymum · 22/08/2006 15:21

OG, If he does come home with flowers and a sorry, please PLEASE accept them graciously, don't continue the argument.

BUT I would then suggest that he goes to get you a nice takeaway, for dinner, and get out the candles and nice music etc. While you eat in these pleasant, calm surroundings try to have a civilised conversation about what you can and can't (or will and won't) do as a mother and wife who also works part-time.
Point out that it is unrealistic to expect you to EVERYTHING domestic and culinary, if you are also doing everything to do with getting the baby up, getting yourself ready for work etc.
And if he doubts you, tell him to try it for a few days, and see how tired/downtrodden he feels.

Original poster

orangegiraffe · 22/08/2006 15:26

Clumsymum-thanks your kind words have made me feel calmer. I have been fuming all day and that is not like me but I think dh got me to that point this morning.
The thing that has annoyed me the most is that I never speak to him like that.

OP posts:

Callisto · 22/08/2006 15:50

"Looking after a baby at home is AT LEAST as difficult as going and working in a job."

No, it isn't. What utter rubbish. More than one, probably, but one child? Don't think so.

MrsFio · 22/08/2006 15:53

depends where you work I suppose. It is alot of responsibility looking after children and the end of the day your are their Mother not your dh's

jowen · 22/08/2006 15:55

Don't you think it is dependant on the child and the job? I have both worked out of the home, and been a stay at home mum, and I found them equally difficult - and I had an easy child and a demanding job. if I had had a high maintanance baby and dp had an office job typing copy for the Department ofMugtrees and Cupboards, jno way would he have the harder job.

Callisto · 22/08/2006 16:10

You would have to have a nightmare child and your husband would have to have a really easy job to say that staying at home is harder. But then how does one define harder? I don't get bored with dd as I work from home too so I am doing a lot of juggling but I certainly don't have the mental stresses dp has with his work. Do I work harder physically? I very much doubt it but we are both knackered by the end of the day. It annoys me that some women feel they have to justify being sahm by saying how hard they work compared to their husbands who are working their arses off to feed and clothe the family.

Heathcliffscathy · 22/08/2006 16:15

errr callisto having done both (and the job wasn't saving lives but was in a high pressure environment, under staffed etc etc) I can honestly say that I found being a stay at home mother far harder both physically but most importantly psychologically and emotionally....it is draining and ceaseless in a way that a job never could be imo.

If I have another, I will definitely be working part time if we can afford the childcare and I have the choice.

all of this is besides the point. I'm sure it is different for all individual mothers and fathers, but to this day many women are expected to 'mother' their partners whether or not they are working and it is this that is wrong.

MrsFio · 22/08/2006 16:20

I found being a sahm very hard, much harder than work tbh

I go to work for a break

DontlookatmeImshy · 22/08/2006 16:26

I think the reasom woman feel they have to justify themselves is that many people really do think that sahm's sit around all day, drinking tea and gossiping with their mates, ha - we wish!

motherinferior · 22/08/2006 16:35

OK, Callisto, so you don't find it harder. But some women do. Please don't generalise from your particular situation. I personally find the prospect of working my arse off doing childcare a much tougher prospect than sitting at my computer writing an article.

Incidentally, I might occasionally, with bad grace, produce a meal when I wasn't madly feeling like it (if DP had cooked every single time for the past five meals, say) but I'd never ever dream of ironing for my partner. Why on earth would I?

expatinscotland · 22/08/2006 16:39

'but to this day many women are expected to 'mother' their partners whether or not they are working and it is this that is wrong. '

Too right, soph!

Sorry, but I work outside the home and DH stays home during the day w/the girls and it's hard arse work.

Three-year-olds are VERY demanding, as is DD2 - 8 months.

expatinscotland · 22/08/2006 16:42

I think WAY too many people treat their partnerships and marriages like a employment contract.

If I had 10p for everytime I heard grown women say, 'I have to earn my keep . . . '

WTF?! It's a partnership not indentured servitude, ffs!

I'd be very very disappointed to hear such words out of my daughters' mouths, or similar from their partners.

clumsymum · 22/08/2006 16:50

I agree expat. I believe our marriage is a partnership, and we help each other. hence, as dh is working away, I do most of our general admin (insurances, financial arrangements when he changed his car, buying birthday pressies for his family etc), without ever resenting any of it, or even thinking about it really, and he does most of the cooking when he's home, cos he enjoys it more than I do anyway.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/08/2006 17:23

I think you have hit the nail on the head there really Expat. Its about expectations and give and take.

Some people find some "jobs" easier than others, and that will apply to sahps too. So I would discount the childrearing is harder/easier argument because its an individual preference.

Some people will undoubtedly enjoy or like to do "more" than expected/required/whatever for their partner. There really, honestly isnt anything wrong with that. To suggest that someone who does this willingly is downtrodden, or being mistreated is, a little condescending I believe.

I do honestly think that Mr OG got out of the wrong side of the bed, and I think folk are being a little dramatic in suggesting that his whole attitude is going to drag society backwards 60 years (or a million years...cavemen etc....).

We have all said things we dont mean in the heat of the moment. The fact that OG believes he will come home with flowers and an apology is a clear indication that Mr OG actually does know the lay of the land.

joelallie · 22/08/2006 18:22

"I will cook, clean, launder, change beds, get up with kids.... but the second it is suggest, said or implied that it is my 'job' to do the housework - I stop doing the housework. "

Well exactly Colditz. That about sums it up for me too. Neither of us have a job description.

Tutter · 22/08/2006 18:40

callisto. having done both (and it was a pretty good job) i can honestly say that this is the hardest thing i've ever done (being a SAHM). yes, occasionally i feel bored, but occasionally i felt bored at work.

luckily i have a dh who thinks the same way as i do - i.e. we both have jobs - his is outside the home and paid, mine is looking after and bringing up our son. but in terms of extra work, it is split - or we get someone else to do it.

Alibaldi · 22/08/2006 18:42

Having been (still am) a SAHM who foolishly let her H get away with doing nothing I can honestly say I would do it all differently if I had the opportunity. Two ds's 18mnths apart and on big boy (lol) was bl**dy hard work. He never appreciated it and to this day doesn't but it was all my fault with being tired and not interested in sex that led to him having an affair. Let's put it this way - this worm has turned and I don't think twice about sitting down at night and watching him cook dinner. Not only should he do his bit now but I'm going to make sure he does more in compensation for the last five years of my life. Wouldn't have missed these last few years with my boys, but I am seriously looking forward to being able to work again.

Tortington · 22/08/2006 19:08

well? waht happened?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/08/2006 19:11

oh yes.....what happened...suspect its not bad else OG wouldnt have been back and incandescent this time.....

Callisto · 22/08/2006 20:00

Never said being a sahm is easy and Sophable you are totally right when you say "but to this day many women are expected to 'mother' their partners whether or not they are working and it is this that is wrong."

But this is the fault of every single mother out there who doesn't teach her son to be independent and look after himself and also come on girls, your husband says it is your job to do something? Tell him to eff off and then have a moan but don't have a moan and do what he tells you to do. My partner is exactly that, a partner and we have joint responsibility for home, child, relationship etc, etc. Men will always take the piss if you let them.

jasper · 22/08/2006 20:19

very well put stitch.

TuttiFrutti · 22/08/2006 20:58

I think men need to be left holding the baby, literally, for at least a day on their own to really appreciate what SAHMs do.

My dh and I have an agreement that if one of us has time off - say dh goes to a stag weekend - the other one gets the equivalent time off. I recently called this favour in for the first time and had a spa weekend away with my sister.

When I got back on Sunday night, dh was lying on the sofa, totally exhausted, the house was a tip and he was still wearing the same clothes he'd been in on Friday night (by now covered in tomato sauce and babyfood). He was unshaved and hadn't washed. He said he hadn't had time!

At the time I found it a bit depressing that the house was so filthy (not a single cup had been washed up all weekend) but now I'm pleased he's seen how hard it can be. He was quite shocked - I think he'd thought it would be a piece of piss.

Blondilocks · 22/08/2006 21:11

How he said it was totally wrong! I'm sure that if he'd politely asked or whatever it wouldn't have been as bad.

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