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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

f*****g fuming with dh

86 replies

orangegiraffe · 22/08/2006 10:15

This morning, after getting up with 10 month old, 6.00am, changing, feeding etc.
Dh tells me it is my job to make his lunch.
ffs whats that all about.
We had a big arguement and he left for work.
vent vent I could kick his arse

OP posts:
SecurMummy · 22/08/2006 11:26

I don't think that being a SAHM entails looking after the baby and nothing else - and therefore everything else should be shared - that seems a little lop-sided to me!

How about offering a "job-swap" in order to clarify and agree your job roles? Set aside one weekend where you go out from 9-5 and do nothing that is related to home at all and leave everything to him. Then come home and do as much or as little as he normally does. Once it is over you can both sit doan and discuss how much more or less you would have usually done in that time and all the things that are still "un-assigned". Once your dh has seen the other side and you treat the situation with an adult viewpoint perhaps he will see that he has been downright rude! Along with thte opportunity to actually address an argument that comes up frequently between couples in your situation!

clumsymum · 22/08/2006 11:39

But my dh has a desk job (software development). Once he gets to work, he sits down and uses his brain, while childcare and housework tend to be physical, on-your-feet type activities. How often do you sit down to find you haven't done someting that involves getting up again straight away, "I'm thirsty Mummy" ?

When he comes home at the weekend, dh recognises that is my time to 'catch my breath', while he does more of the physical stuff such as vacuuming, and running around with ds.

Thats a fair share of labour.

I guess if dh did a more physical job, I'd anticipate he would share more of the bedtime story, sitting and playing with ds in the bath type tasks.

tribpot · 22/08/2006 11:44

I provide for my dh.
I pay the bills.
I give him a roof over his head and pay for his food and clothing.

I still would never tell him it was his job to make my lunch. In fact here he is now, here is his response:

Oh, he said. "Okay, what am I making"

MrsFio · 22/08/2006 11:44

I am not even up early enough to make my dh#'s lunch and i am buggered if i am getting up just to make it

mind you I 'dont keep a tidy house' and you know what people of the older generation think of that

stitch · 22/08/2006 11:48

sophable, why the vehemence?

i just think that og shouldnt be as rude and childish as he is being. and i dont want to be a party to the mnetters gangning up on annoying husbands brigade. there are plenty of really nasty things a man can do to a woman, and this isnt really one of them, but if og reacts badly to this, then threalationship really can fall of the rails.
as someone who has ruined her relationship over what in hindsight appear trivial reasons, i would strongly recommend patience. if the man has other positive qualities, then this is really just a nothing.
a good relationship is built of mutual trust respect and friendship. and the recognition that we are not always 100% perfect. we do sometimes wake up on the wrong side of te h bed. we do taake out our frustrations on our loved ones wehn we shouldtn. a good relationship should allow one to fail every once in a while.

meowmix · 22/08/2006 11:50

no i don't sit on my copious rear end when at home, course not. I work my hours and DH works the same, after those we're family.

Just trying to say that the other half of the species can be mindbendingly literal and that that maybe why he's said this without thinking

You could always call his bluff and give him your job description....

Scoobydooooo · 22/08/2006 11:50

I get the same saying dp always says about cooking dinner etc is "my job" if theres one thing i hate its taht saying

I tell him it is "my job" to look after, feed, bath, dress & entertain my children while he is at work, but in no way whatsoever is it "my job" to cook his dinner. I normally always cook anyway but i do NOt like to be told "it's my job"

meowmix · 22/08/2006 11:51

no i don't sit on my copious rear end when at home, course not. I work my hours and DH works the same, after those we're family.

Just trying to say that the other half of the species can be mindbendingly literal and that that maybe why he's said this without thinking

You could always call his bluff and give him your job description....

meowmix · 22/08/2006 11:51

oops. my point was so good you had to see it twice? sorry!

ScummyMummy · 22/08/2006 12:03

No adult who is not sick or disabled or visiting a restaurant should feel that it is someone else's job to make their lunch, imo. It's a pathetic attitude which deserves extreme eye rolling scorn.

Carmenere · 22/08/2006 12:12

I disagree Stitch, being told that it's your job to make someones lunch is indicitive of a mindset that is controlling and that is one of the nastiest things a man can do to a woman. I was brought up in a houshold where both my parents worked and both looked after the family. They shared the workload because they loved and respected each other not because it was a pre-ordained duty for either one to look after the other one.
I agree that Mr Og probably got out of bed on the wrong side but it's a very poor attitude to have and for me it would not be acceptable at all.

stitch · 22/08/2006 12:15

carmenere, i dont think it is acceptable either. i just think that if, and this is an assumption obviously as i dont know og, the man has other good qualitites, then this should be ignored. eye rolling scorn someone mentioned is a pretty good attitude.

Steppy1 · 22/08/2006 12:15

before you had your baby (presumably you were working ??) did you make his lunch..or did he do it himself.....strange how men seem to revert to an old sterotypical traditional role on these issues. My DH is employed (SNR level) by a company but his "European" office is at home... he often wanders in at lunchtime asking "anything for lunch" assuming that as I'm getting something for myself ot the children then I can get him something too....IT DRIVES ME MAD because I work (from home too) BUT for myself....I'm also pretty much responsible for everything else too (school run, pre school run pick ups, activities etc etc)... although I don't generally mind, sometimes I think it would be nice if he could make the effort on occasion just to feel a bit more appreciated......

stitch · 22/08/2006 12:17

my dh is a git as many of you know from lots of my previous threads. but he doesnt expect lunch on the days he is at home. either he goes to his moms, or he makes it for all of us.
one of his better qualities
also, because eh probly knows i wont make it for him.

aaronsmummy · 22/08/2006 12:29

Well before we had the children we both worked and made the evening meal together etc - we also had a cleaner. Now - 3 children 7, 3 & 1, 3 is asd. DH spend works, 4 evenings out a week, golf, mil, pub, 'nipping out' and 6 hours on the golf course at weekend. I feel at the end of my tether most of the time and am treated like a servant - I have not been out since March. His meal has to be on the table when he gets home - he asks me why I spent so much in the supermarket and needs to see the receipt, why I have used so much petrol etc etc. I never have charge of the TV remote and he resents me coming online. I am even told when to go to bed. Had PND and am just getting my strength back then am going to sort him out!!! Couldn't face it before but am getting stronger now. When I tell him how I feel it is all either my fault or my imagination and I am spoilt because he makes it possible for me to sit on my arse all day (as if). Lunch - if it was me he would be wearing it!

aaronsmummy · 22/08/2006 12:30

Sorry for the rant

tribpot · 22/08/2006 12:32

AM, I don't even know how you manage all that, never mind why! And getting up with the little one at 4 every morning?! The mind boggles.

Tweezerqueen · 22/08/2006 12:46

Aaronsmummy, you are putting up with far too much. I suggest you ask for all the receipts from his lifestyle and add up the money you could be investing in your family as a future or to get you some help at home.

My DH suggested that I would have to learn to iron when I was pregnant, I told him he was welcome to leave if he wanted to but that I would never iron for him while he had two hands.

I look after me and DD, he looks after himself. I think that's fair.

colditz · 22/08/2006 13:02

I will cook, clean, launder, change beds, get up with kids.... but the second it is suggest, said or implied that it is my 'job' to do the housework - I stop doing the housework. I am not a f*cking maid.

Dior · 22/08/2006 13:06

Message withdrawn

mumfor1standfinaltime · 22/08/2006 13:19

Can't believe there is so much fuss over lunch!

I do not know about these sort of 'food situations' though as dh eats a cooked meal at work (provided in canteen for free). When he comes home from work he makes himself a sandwich or has a pot noodle as he isn't overly hungry.
I just cook for me and ds.

I work parttime 6am til 9am 3 days a week and Sundays 8am to 1pm. I do all the cleaning at home and the washing. I do not do dh ironing, he does this himself. I iron only for me! I rarely iron for ds as he is only 19m and I just don't see the point lol!
When I come home from work on a Sunday I do sometimes cook a Sunday meal and this is the only time we eat together.

clumsymum · 22/08/2006 14:07

I don't think this about a lunch. I think this is about a man's attitude towards his wife and child, and their relationship.

As such, OG needs to get it sorted, probably by pointing out that it isn't acceptable NOW, before it declines any further.

Heathcliffscathy · 22/08/2006 14:30

the vehemence stich is because as other posters have said, it is really a very revealing attitude. it reveals that he believes that it is his wife's job to look after him never mind the house and the baby. it is a classic case of misogyny passing as acceptable because so many women make this assumption too. it is therefore not all that astonishing that you think it should be ignored.

og is quite right to be fuming.

I don't know where the whole, it will break her relationship up if she doesn't ignore it stuff is coming from at all. smacks of needing to make allowances for men because....well you know....we just need to....NOT

Heathcliffscathy · 22/08/2006 14:31

I'm also with colditz on this....i do a lot of this stuff, willingly and gladly because dh never assumes it is my job to do so.

edam · 22/08/2006 14:32

Agree with clumsymum, this isn't just about lunch, it's about your husband's attitude. You are not his servant and he is not your boss. He's got a flaming cheek speaking to you with such a lack of respect.

If he wants to hang on to such sexist attitudes, is he planning on sending your dd/ds up a chimney at age 5? Because this is just as out of date.

Tell him if he wants to indulge in gender stereotypes, he can go out hunting for his own food, killing it himself.