Dd bf beating her & there's nothing I can do about it...

[moanymiserablemum]

My dd is 22. Strong, intelligent, educated, beautiful, string willed & has the most hideous Bastard for a boyfriend.

I believe she met him when she was 17. She was 19 when she introduced him to me. He's 25. He had 10 custodial sentences since the age of 15. He came out of prison last November after serving 18 months for burglary. All his crimes are theft or violence related.

I wasn't exactly pleased but decided she was young & the novelty would ware off-it hasn't.

I realised just before his last stretch that she was scared of him. It was actually by accident. She won't admit to me she's scared of him or that he's hitting her.

He's a raging control freak, I've never seen anything like it. She's been reducing how much time they spend together as, according to my ds 24, she's had enough of him. On mother's day. Dd bf kicked her outside ds house.

Last night he beat her up in front of her friends & friends family. The friend is from school & her mum called me at 1.30 am as she was so worried.

But, instead of coming home she went to his house. They came here. They must have been here between 3 & 6 am as that is the only time I was asleep.

I tolerated him. Let him in our house. I've ignored my instincts. I've tried to make sure he didn't isolate her from her family like he did her friends. I've not confronted him or her directly. Now I can't ignore or carry on playing games, I can't pay this any more lip service.

I've done everything to keep her close to make sure she was dependant on him. Never encouraged her to move out etc.

Now how do I handle this? If i make her choose, she'll chose him. If i do or say nothing I'm condoning his disgusting behaviour.

Any advice appreciated!

I know someone who would kick the shit out of him - not joking. He once took a guy off a bus when he witnessed him slapping his girfriend and said pick on me you coward. He's a huge bloke who wouldn't stand for it.

Are you in London, :)

I know a bloke like that too crispy although he's not overly tall, but he's muscular and he has quite a few friends.

He isn't a thug or anything he just can't stand injustice.

When a bloke threatened to hit me and my friend didn't even say anything (male friend) he completely had a go at him saying he wasn't a real man for just sitting there and letting that happen the least he could've done was said 'Don't you dare say that to my friend'.

It's a hard one though isn't it OP?

So sorry your daughter is going through this she isn't much younger than me (24) so I can really relate.

Moanymiserable mum.

I am so very sorry for what is happening to your daughter and has happened.

My story is virtually identical to your story, as my daughter is also in this kind of relationship.

I will post soon again, please hang on in there. You are not alone. Thinking of you and your lovely daughter. (thanks)

Custardo kicking the shit out of him is too good for him, a bit of lead behind his ear would sort him out. I feel the same as you but would revert to doing it my way, so what if he's big, he will be drunk on a dark night when anything could happen to him when he's on his way home, what a sad night that could be - not.

hi moany, so sorry to read what you and your dd are going thro. You say that today she doesnt want to make eye contact with you etc, then maybe write her a note, send her a text whatever just say that you know what happened that you know how she must be feeling and that when she wants or needs to talk you will be there. That whatever happens whether she stays with him or not you are there for her, let her know that your arms are always open for her. the fact that she has tried to distance herself from him to me means that she knows that its not right so hopefully this might be the event that means the beginning of the end

Moanymiserable mum

Unfortuantely, my daughter has been in this kind of relationship since she was 14, she's now 18. He has virtually destroyed her as a person. I feel utter revulsion for him, and if it was up to me, i would take the law into my own hands. Unfortunately, due to legal ramifications, I am well aware I cannot.

My only advice, for you is always support her, and listen to her, She is aware that what he's doing is wrong. Always try to keep her close by and its good that she still lives with you.

If you want to PM me for more advice I will try to help you. I am so sorry, i read your post, and it was deeply distressing, Your daughter is an incredibly brave women and so are you.

Take care.

I've no advice but wanted to send support & I do also think speaking to the police & WA for advice is the best thing to do. Good luck.

OP - I know it's crap but I still think your dd's a very lucky girl. She has you. From reading lots of threads on here, an awful lot of abused women are abused because they have no-one to fight their corner. Your dd has a haven and someone who loves her to return to. I am really, really glad she does.

I wished often that just one of my friends or family would asked me outright (but gently) 'does he hit you?'

Then the situation would have been out of my hands. I was so ground down I used to check with my bf how he wanted my hair that day. Actually telling someone what was happening was completely beyond my power.

Op, it sounds like you have the beginnings of a turnaround in her thinking. At least she still lives with you. That's a huge, huge plus point. If she has shut down mentally, she may be trying hard to break through the fog. If you could send her away somewhere (relatives distant?) that would help with the clarity she needs to find.

Good luck. Not sure I wouldn't solve this one myself with a XV, if I knew one.

I was going to say what someone else already has, he will have made threats to harm you to keep her in line.

Perhaps you need to tell her, that no matter what he does to you and the rest of the family it will be worth it for her to be free of him and you would trade your life for hers a thousand times over.

Is her chosen career something she could do abroad, far far away for a while?

I suspect he will be on licence still. Anyone who leaves prison after a 1yr plus sentence must see a probation officer for a period on release. He was most likely released "early" and onto community supervision. Talk to the police. Call your local Probation Trust's Victim Services Unit. They exist to protect existing and potential victims from convicted offenders. Even of this is a different type of offence, they'll be very interested.

This behaviour could see him recalled to prison and forced to undertake a programme about healthy relationships and domestic abuse.

I agree with PPs though. Support your daughter and try not to push her away.

I think FastWindows post is worth thinking about. I have been in controlling relationships and the over-riding emotion is fear. Your DD will not be able to do anything herself - she won't report/press charges/leave, because she is afraid of the consequences of being the one to break it off and 'cause trouble'. But the fact that you mentioned that she is reducing how much time she spends with him makes me think that she might welcome some intervention.

I used to wish that I had a big brother who would take it out of my hands and just 'deal with it' for me. I wanted it to end but didn't want to be responsible for ending it, so he could not 'blame' me.

Strike whilst the iron is hot. He knows there were witnesses to his latest assault. I would try to persuade your DD to tell him something like "my family knows what you did and I am not allowed to see you". She should pretend this is 'against her wishes' but that she needs to be compliant for now but make out that it's only 'for now'. Hopefully she can drag this out for long enough that he loses interest and she makes the emotional break from him, without a 'real break up' that might tip him into violence. Might something like this work?

Can you get this friend and her mum to report what they witnessed?

Why doesn't your ds report him if he seen her getting kicked outside his house? Sorry to ask this but why do you hide behind saying " I've not seen him do it so can't report him" you know it's happening as you have seen her bruises, your ds has seen him, her friends and family have seen him do it too. Why do you feel you need to see it before doing anything?

I had a boyfriend for four years til I was 18 and he beat the crap out of me.

My mother knew but didn't do anything.

I hated her for that. And still do. I went on to have further crappy relationships. I'm single now. I don't speak to her. She's a turd on my shoe.

And you are a strong woman now UnlikelyAmazonian, best wishes.

Oh dear I am so sorry! Fwiw I was with a horribly physically and menatally abusive weed-smoking twat when I was 19, who was also a lot older than me, about 26 at the time.

I was living in a different town working away from home so my mum only saw/heard the desperate phone calls after he kicked me out of his house, but still chased me through the streets, or when I would flee home, but have to go back eventually as I was scared of losing my job.

After I got away and left him eventually, of my own accord, my mum confided in me that she was so scared when I was with him that I would end up getting pregnant or something, and be tied to him forever. This was the first time that I had heard her admit she was scared for me, or admit she disliked him. I know she was scared if she said to much she would lose me completely (he controlled my phone calls to friends and family), but that was really the first time she had acknowledged/recognised the abuse I had suffered, that he had continually minimised, and I think I probably could have done with hearing that from her at the time.

I know she was struggling to do the right thing, but I still feel a little bit let down by mum to this day. I was a baby really, and I needed her.

It sounds like your dd knows deep down what the score is. Tell her in no uncertain terms that what is happening to her is WRONG, and that you are 100% behind her.

People wrongly think that teen relationships are immature and not real. On the contrary, these are formative relationships that can cause the most damage.

I also had a patient/client, a 19 year old girl, who came to see me about a completely unrelated issue, a few general questions about her personal life (i.e "Is anything causing you stress at the moment?") revealed her boyfriend was beating her. She was actually desperate for help and desperate to tell someone, just noone had ever thought to ask, or offer to help.

We gave her the help she needed, and persuaded her to tell her mum, who she hadn't wanted to say anything to, as she was having problems with her younger sister and didn't want to worry her .

Please just tell her you are there for her no matter what, and that she deserves so much better. [

being harsh here op, but you, your ds & your dd's friends & their family are letting your daughter down.

At least 3 people (your ds, her friend, and friend's family) have witnessed his abuse.

They are all ignoring it. Hoping it will go away, pretending it isn't their problem. It won't go away.

OP-I assume that you have also told her why he's not welcome in the house?

Op, I was in a very violent relationship from aged 16 to 20' we had two children,
I am constantly thinking of my situation in case my dds ever get into a similar situation.
What helped me was my step mum. She took us in every time he beat me and didn't judge me when I went back, she just told me to always call her day or night if I needed her.
My mother had her new family and was happy to pretend it wasn't happening and was just irritated when I called her for help.
My friends got fed up with me.
So my advice to you is to be there always and keep telling her you are.

Women's aid do different programmes to help women realise the behaviours of their partners aren't acceptable.

I left of my own accord eventually and went to a refuge, women's aid were amazing and sorted out court and my housing etc.

I left because I genuinely thought he would kill me eventually.

I am happy to speak to your daughter if she happened to want to but she probably won't.

On another level, does she have any big brothers or uncles?

I know this isn't helpful, but not for the first time I wish I knew a friendly hitman.
I believe you are absolutely doing the right thing is so many ways. I do think that a conversation where you reiterate that you love her and always will and that you don't judge her BUT this man doesn't love her because we don't hurt the people we love. Tell her you know what he does is wrong.

She wouldn't speak to me yesterday. I texted her. Telling her I love her, giving her my support, help, monet whatever she wanted or needed.

She just kept texting that everything was fine. I'm over reacting. The friend is over reacting. She doesn't know what I know about him kicking her last Sunday.

I offered to go to the police/WA/anywhere to get her help. She won't engage with me. I think she's embarrassed & scared.

To the poster who said her friends, brother & i are letting her down by not going to the police . I fear your right. Until last week he'd never done it front of anyone. Friday was the first time he's left a visible mark.

I worry if i go to the police, it will alienate dd from me.

I had the most mental idea earlier. I could provoke him & get him to hit me. I could press charges. Dd wouldn't be able to hide it. Bf hopefully locked up & problem solved! It's that or a bloody hit man to beat the shite out of him!

I need to deal with this the best was possible. Ultimately to keep my dd safe. If that means she hates me, so be it. If it means getting physically hurt so be it. I just wish I knew what to do...

I could provoke him & get him to hit me Chances are he wouldn't rise to it. They hardly ever do. He does it to your dd because he knows now that she is unlikely to call the police, press charges, leave him etc. Because he has her so ground down.

And he will tell her that you provoked him. You will be playing into his hands with regards to her, because she will side with him. You will lose her. Because she will hate you for what 'you' did to him.

I said about letting her down, and I didn't mean it in a nasty way, I understand your hands are tied. He has everyone where he wants them, he must be pretty sure that no one will report him to hitting her in front of others.

The problem is, he will continue to do so now, because he knows how passive everyone around her is.

Talk to the police on 101. You don't have to name names yet.

I know it's hard, but you're right when you say you have to keep her safe, or help her to stay safe. She may be too afraid to act herself. Hence the 'everything's fine' thing. It isn't- but she wants you to think it is.

Please don't let the risk of alienating her put you off seeking help. She needs help: she might suffer more serious injury, or worse, the next time
:(