Dd bf beating her & there's nothing I can do about it...

[moanymiserablemum]

My dd is 22. Strong, intelligent, educated, beautiful, string willed & has the most hideous Bastard for a boyfriend.

I believe she met him when she was 17. She was 19 when she introduced him to me. He's 25. He had 10 custodial sentences since the age of 15. He came out of prison last November after serving 18 months for burglary. All his crimes are theft or violence related.

I wasn't exactly pleased but decided she was young & the novelty would ware off-it hasn't.

I realised just before his last stretch that she was scared of him. It was actually by accident. She won't admit to me she's scared of him or that he's hitting her.

He's a raging control freak, I've never seen anything like it. She's been reducing how much time they spend together as, according to my ds 24, she's had enough of him. On mother's day. Dd bf kicked her outside ds house.

Last night he beat her up in front of her friends & friends family. The friend is from school & her mum called me at 1.30 am as she was so worried.

But, instead of coming home she went to his house. They came here. They must have been here between 3 & 6 am as that is the only time I was asleep.

I tolerated him. Let him in our house. I've ignored my instincts. I've tried to make sure he didn't isolate her from her family like he did her friends. I've not confronted him or her directly. Now I can't ignore or carry on playing games, I can't pay this any more lip service.

I've done everything to keep her close to make sure she was dependant on him. Never encouraged her to move out etc.

Now how do I handle this? If i make her choose, she'll chose him. If i do or say nothing I'm condoning his disgusting behaviour.

Any advice appreciated!

OMG...I've gone cold. Sophie Elliot & my dd have so many similarities.

If it's the last thing I do i will get her away from that excuse for a man...

I wonder how i would go about speaking to a particular police officer?

If he's going back to prison, it needs to be a long time or else dd will wait again.

I'm thinking not illegal but more of a resourceful solution possibly unethical!

I really, really wouldn't be worrying about driving them closer together. What you're all doing, by not stepping in, is driving her closer to certain injury, if not worse.

And it may well be that she wants to be rescued from this situation but can't see a way out - or is too proud to admit she's made a mistake.

Even if this isn't the case, she needs to be helped and rescued before it escalates even more.

Why haven't they reported it to the police?
Are they scared of him?
Is she scared of what he might do to her family and relatives?

I'd contact WA for advice.

Could she be transferred to another college and job?

And I'm not surprised she's strong. She probably thinks she can handle it. You should give her permission to be weak and recognise that she needs help in getting rid of him.

OP, I can easily believe your daughter is/was very opinionated and a 'toughie'. It's a false stereotype that victims of abusers are mousey, timid women... although abuse can make them become like that, poor things.

Men like him usually go for the feisty ones. The thrill comes from breaking them down.

He has now abused her in front of witnesses - they can, and must give evidence to the police. It is very remiss of them not to have called the police themselves. Perhaps they thought it would make him worse, or that this is 'something between the two of them'. Well, no, it's not. This man has to be stopped.

OP - your door must always be open for her. But, my reaction would be far from politically correct. My dd is 16 and ds is 19. If dd were in this position, and I'm sorry if this offends, but ds and the rest of the old first XV would pay a visit and it would be made crystal clear that if one finger were ever raised against dd ever again, if he went anywhere near her ever again, next time would be broken bones and a hospital job. End. Of.

Keeping her on side can't include accepting her abuse - even if she wants to accept it. She's tough and opinionated, you say, but it's time for you to be tough, even if it makes her defensive in the short term.

My 21 year old sister was in this situation about a year ago. She was pushed down the stairs holding her child. Punched in the head. Bitten. Kicked. Raped. She got pregnant and was bullied into an abortion. We tried everything to get her away from him. They didn't even live together. I just couldn't understand why she wouldn't walk away and I got very frustrated with her.

In the end her son was removed from her care temporarily. This gave her the push she needed to talk to the police. He was convicted and spent 9 months in prison. She has had no contact with him at all. She is back to her old self.

She said that the reason she couldn't leave him was because he knew where her family lived. He had threatened to burn her nieces and nephews in their beds. He had threatened to kill her son. Luckily, she had recorded text messages and calls and the police used them as evidence. She was terrified and knew he was capable of doing what he promised.

We were told that he had told women police officers that he was going to rape them when he got out. He smeared shit all over the cells. He was deranged.

Just keep on being there and let her know there is a way out, when she's ready.

OP, sorry, I came across too abruptly in my last post: I didn't realise you had never witnessed it. I assumed you had when you wrote that you'd never seen anything like it. Sorry.

It is really frustrating to be on the other side of the Internet and read about these situations but I know it's nothing to how you must feel.

I'm really sorry to hear her friends, as witnesses, did nothing. I really hope they can imagine themselves or their children in her position and report it. I hope she gets away from him, fast.

I have never met such an extremev control freak... even when he was in prison she did as he said.

She just come home. She's in her room. I haven't seen her yet. I'm waiting for younger dc to go out & then I will bring her a drink & talk.

Good luck. DD is only 4, but I dread her getting into a relationship like this.

I was in a similar relationship to your DD's when I was 16-18. No prison, and he stayed just on the 'right' side of the physical abuse. He did once drag me by my ankle from the bedroom to the lounge, and threw me into the coffee table - In front of his mates. No one said a word. Everyone was too scared.

The only reason I had the courage to tell someone what was happening (my best friend) was because I'd met a man I liked at a new job, he was in a relationship, but it made me realise how shit my life was with current Boyf. And telling my best friend was like admitting it was happening out loud, and there was no going back after that.

Thank god that happened before he got me pregnant.

I hope your DD is near that point, it sounds like she might be.

Why didn't her friend/friend's family call the police? No use her friend's mum saying she was worried - if she was really worried she should have done something

could say same thing about the OP

fuckoffbeaker I have never witnessed the bf shout or hit or do anything illegal towards my dd.

Dd won't talk to me today. She won't even look at me...

what do you suggest I tell them when I call them?

The bf actually hit her in front of the friends notin front of me. We are talking about a 22 year old women here not a minor!!

Shes totally shut down. She wouldn't look at me. I couldn't see how bad her face is. She 'feels' so sad iykwim?

I hate that little bastard...If i could get away with it...

What do I do now?

My daughter met a similar bloke when she was only 16 and soon fell pregnant with his child. The more I told her I didn't like the way he treated her the more she clung to him. I once confronted him after he had been physically violent to her and his abuse towards her got worse. She was trying hard to keep the peace. After the fifth time he attacked her, infront of their little boy, it was the final straw. She called the police, he was charged and next day my daughter went to court to get injunction against him. All I can recommend to you is to tell her organisations who can help/advise her. She is a grown woman and this will continue for as long as she will allow it to and there is very little you can do about it. By all means tell her you are worried about her and let her know you love her and you will always be there for her and hopefully soon she will realise that there are better ways to live her life and decent blokes out there who will treat her kindly. She has to want that for herself before anything can change and you will have the agony of watching your dd endure this and be virtually powerless. I do so hope it soon resolves itself.

I'd ring WA now for advice.

Do tell her of all the women here who have escaped violent abusers. Because they went to the police.
I was one.

Do encourage her to post here, or at the WA's forum on dv.
She needs to know it's not her fault. She needs to know she can get away. He's not all powerful.

You can't make her do anything of course Keep channels of communication open & try not to be judgemental (to her - judge & complain away on MN as much as you like). Tell her help is available if & when she wants it & she doesn't need to be frightened, either in her relationship or to do something to change it. He sounds bloody horrible

Jus show her unconditional love and support.
She is presumably afraid that you will say 'I told you so' or 'what were you thinking?' or something else that compounds her feelings of failure. Young people feel very proud and don't want to be embarrassed when their choices or actions go wrong.

Listen, don't comment. Sympathise. Look after her fiercely.

That's what I would do - no experience of looking after older offspring, but thinking back to myself as a 22 yo.

Give her time. She may still be in shock, and not ready to talk. Just let her know you're there and ready to listen, for now.

You can talk to police yourself, even if you didn't witness the assault, and see what advice they have. He is a previous offender and they should know that he's offended again, even if neither victim nor witnesses have yet chosen to report it.

She is at considerable risk from him. They don't want to have to investigate an even more serious offence. :(

I really feel for you, and can only imagine how hard this is to do.

-This TED talk may help you or DD. It's particularly relevant if she feels sorry for him, or thinks he's had a rough deal in life

m.youtube.com/watch?v=V1yW5IsnSjo

I can't add to the advice here but what a terrible situation to be in.

My ex was psychologically and sexually abusive and had threatened physical. I felt sorry for him and thought I could fix him.

When he went out with someone else I knew after I tried to protect her even phoned her Dad to tell him but that was all I could do.

9 months later she said after he hit and dragged her she had had enough.

I hope your daughter realised she can be happy with someone else - someone who can treat her right.

How would she react if you banned him from your house but made it very clear that she was always welcome? That helped with DD and when she came home for good at Christmas it was the best present I could ever have.

So sorry you're going through this, OP x

do you know anyone who will kick the shit out of him?

If he's got that much previous, there's probably a few people who'd relish the opportunity to ahem "get him out of the way" for you. Can you find them?

Just joking. Sort of.

Dd lives with me. I told her last night he's not welcome in the house.

I keep telling her I'm here for her. Both of my dc know my love & support is unconditional. Really is. But my god at times its hard!

Custardo- i really wish I did!