I'm still so very angry, but I'm supposed to be grateful. Should I be?

[NeedToMovePassedThis]

The background is that I fell in stupid-teen love at the age of 17 with a 21 year old. He proposed, I said yes, then (very accidentally) got pregnant. I had never wanted dcs. Not ever. And had always thought I would have an abortion in these circumstances. But I found I couldn't. That I loved my dc. My fiancé encouraged me to keep the baby. I still lived at home (halfway through my straight-A-Student A levels).

I told my dm and ddad and they were shocked, upset and encouraged me to have an abortion. I stuck by my decision. A week after finding out my fiancé dumped me (charmer that he was, that's a whole other thread), told me he doubted the baby was his, and that was the last I ever saw of him.

My parents let me stay at home. Which I am grateful for. I paid them rent. They said very firmly that they would look after me, but not the baby. Which is fair enough.

I left my A levels, dm and ddad said I couldn't live there if I wasn't studying or had a job. I applied for work. Went through a few humiliating interviews as the visibly pregnant teen (unsurprisingly didn't get the jobs), and then found a free secretarial course to do, so did that until the week before ds was born.

Dm and ddad made it clear they were ashamed of me. They made lots of snide comments, told me how many of their friends had told them to kick me out, would say things like, "so and so looked at me funny today, that was because of you".

I knew they found it hard so didn't say anything.

I couldn't cope with the smell of smoke, but ddad insisted that if I opened the chimney up all the heat went out, so he'd close it down to have smoke billowing into the room. So I couldn't sit with them. My room had no heating, so I'd try to stay warm in bed.

When I was 8 and a half months pregnant we went to a party as a family. Me and my younger brother wanted to leave early (about 1am) as we were exhausted. It was only a 20 minute walk home, but it was too far for me with SPD. Ddad said he'd drive us back. He was hammered. I couldn't argue, but said I would drive us there and he could drive back. He wouldn't give me the keys.

He then drive me and dbro home. He sped, he turned corners sharply whilst laughing, he kept slamming on the brakes because I was screaming for him to stop. I was terrified. I got out of the car and he sped off. I just burst into to tears and said to dbro that he would never drive another heavily pregnant woman like that :(

Then ds was born and he was my whole world. I'd never had someone to love like that, I'd never felt loved. It was hard. I was alone. All my friends had just gone off to uni. I did all the nights alone. Ds wouldn't breast feed and I desperately wanted him to. Dm went on and on about how important it was (he had no sucking reflex at all), I expressed for as long as I could but he never ever latched on. At 3 months a bfing counsellor came out and just said "you have no milk, he has no urge, you know this, why am I here?" Then she clicked and said, "ah, you want me to tell your mother, don't you?" And she did. Because dm didn't believe I couldn't.

I did all the night feeds. All of them. They would hold him so I could have a bath if they were in.

I was also a teenager who definitely didn't help around the house as much as I should have. Looking back I think they expected me to be cooking and cleaning straight away, and I didn't do much. I helped where I could. But there was so much, and they never asked me to do anything. But as an adult, with distance, it's clear I wasn't meeting expectations.

I became very lonely and depressed. There were no groups for teen parents, and I couldn't bring myself to go to baby groups. I knew what people thought of me. They thought what my parents thought. That I was scum.

I had one aim. Go back to college, finish a levels, get to uni. Then they will be proud. So I did. When ds was a few months old I got him into a nursery and went to college. College were brilliant and I could even bring ds if I couldn't afford the childcare. dm looked after him one day a week.

I paid rent with the benefits I received. My parents told me how proud they were of my older sister for not going on benefits when she was between jobs.

I got good a levels. I got into a Russell group uni, and ds and I moved 300 miles away.

Now here's the thing. Whilst I was there my aunt complimented my dm on how well she was raising ds in front of me . Dm took the compliment. I always get comments about how amazing and supportive my parents were. And how lucky I was. And it brings out this enormous anger. They were horrible! They made me feel like shit. I was so ashamed of who I was. I spent the first 9 months of ds's life waking up crying because I wished I'd died in the night. I told dm I thought I needed ADs. She didn't believe in ADs :( so I never went to the gp. She booked me a homeopathy appointment, gave me a load of scare stories about ADs and that was it.

I've always suffered from anxiety. I tried to kill myself when I was 11. Walked out into a lake and lay in it face down. But then pictured my dm finding me, and couldn't make her sad. So went home. No one noticed I was soaked. No one spoke to me.

But now I am in a good place. After the clichéd first abusive marriage that I escaped after 15 years, I now have a wonderful, kind dh. I have 3 beautiful dcs. I have a wonderful lifestyle. My parents are brilliant with the gcs. Although it cut me deeply when dbro and his wife moved in with them for 6 months when their ds2 was born, and I found out they helped with night feeds, they lived there rent free (despite earning 80k+) and no one made any comments about how dsil wasn't really parenting her dcs.

So how do I get rid of this anger? Am I right to be angry? Do I have that right? They didn't throw me out. Everyone says how amazing they are. No one ever compliments me on my parenting. They'll tell me how lucky I am to have such easy, nice dcs ( because that just happened by accident and they're in no way normal children).

I feel like this is holding me back from enjoying my parents as they now are. I feel history has been rewritten. I was alone so much as a child. I was bullied physically and emotionally by my older sister (locked me in sheds tied up for hours, tried to drown me, beat me, loads and loads of nasty things). We now get on ok, but she is snide and cutting towards me a lot.

The couple of times I've tried to speak to family about it, dbro for example, they leap straight to how much I owe my parents. Although he did remember the drink driving and said that was out of order.

If I spoke to dm she would sob and say I think she's terrible and I would end up comforting her. The one time I tried to talk to them about dsis's bullying, dm just looked at ddad and said, "that always really upset you, ddad, didn't it?" And no one acknowledged my hurt at all. They just said it was normal sibling rivalry.

Sorry about the essay. But... Help. Please.

Help me move on.

I've been thinking about this thread for a couple of days now as my family are very similar (I won't write it all out as it would be a novel) especially the la-la-la we are all fine, aren't we, aspects of it. I was the one saying no, things are not OK. CSI's post is spot on.

Two things that I want to say, though. They may not be doing this act for the sake of their neighbours, they may genuinely believe they were doing the right thing. My father certainly did. And this is worth thinking about because, if that is the case, they will never, ever, ever understand what they did wrong. And that may be something that you have to accept.

Secondly, the thing that changed my life utterly was therapy. The full-on, twice a week kind, for a couple of years I'm afraid to say (but they will do means appropriate rates). Without that I would not now be married and with my DD, I am sure of that. There was no way I could change them, bt therapy changed how I reacted to them. They are still grievous sometime,s but I have much better boundaries than I did.

I do sort of see what shroedinger is aiing at and I'm glad she is at peace, but I really do not think you should be worrying about forgiving them or certainly not before a SHITLOAD of therapy. They don't deserve it and it won't change their behaviour. I think it's Susan forward in Toxic Parents who writes about forgiveness and she has an interesting perspective on it, that it's not something you should do unless it helps YOU.

I personally think you need to cut contact with the at least for a while and use that head space to have some hard core therapy. They will posion your children against you.

Definitely agree with the super grand parenting used as a weapon...been there, done that.

Food for thought. Sark, I do think that they believe they are doing the right thing. Dsis might be more for show, but not dm and ddad.

I saw them today and nearly said something. They started talking about dc1 and how much they'd done in the early days. It made me think that I need to say something to dm. I know you'll all disagree. But I need to say that the reason I am so very defensive when they start talking about dc1 and when we lived at home, is because of the time my aunt complimented my mother on raising him so well, and my mother did not say "I am not his mother". That one action burns so deeply that I can still sob about it now. It undermined and dismissed every night I'd cared for him alone; every sleepless night; every moment of quiet desperation where I knew I couldn't ask for help.

It took away my one great achievement. My dc. It took him away from me and gave him to her.

And it shouldn't matter to me what the world thinks. It should only matter that I know. But it does.

Just to make it clear Goodtobetter, the person who benefited the most of the fact that I forgave him was ME. I forgive people for purely selfish reasons :)

which is great, and I'm pleased you are happy, I just mean that I don't think it's something people should feel is necessary, iyswim. I know you weren't saying that....I'm explaining myself badly.

I'm so sorry your going through this, it seems like a bloody awful situation to be in.

I can't exactly say I've been through the same I just have a relatively messed up mother, I even remember a phone call between us years ago (where I felt extremely confident at the time) and she was giving me the poor me routine opening up with "I know I wasn't the best mother in the world but..." so I let rip and told her where I thought she could have done better as a mother, and the things that I won't be repeating to my children. Word of advise, don't ever do this !!! I have been the bad mood whipping boy ever since, and although that particular conversation is never brought up I can feel her thinking it!!! almost see her spitting through clenched teeth "that'll teach you for being a cow to me, bitch" every time she feels the need to have a verbal vomit over the phone, which is why I now limit myself to visiting her twice a year and phoning her once every 3 months. She never instigates contact with me.

yy to distancing yourself, you will never change their opinions and thoughts, you can change how you deal with them though.

Your story is almost a replica of my life except I was rejected due to divorcing an abusive husband , my families theory was you stay there no matter what ! I was also as angry as you and still dm somedays, but listen to this the counselling does work , but hiding in there it took me yep years of intensive therapy to be happy with who I am and less happy Ruth who they are , but I can now leave it and make my decisions and my life at the front . Counselling truly saved my life and Also probably my children's . You are amazing but need to believe it and then sod therm x

Excuse the spelling mistakes its late and my fingers are too fat ha ha x

Molly, that's interesting. My DM was very encouraging when I declared I was trying to work on my marriage. Now years later she says she wished I'd left sooner. Whatever happens I can't win. Whatever happens it will be my fault.

So today I am facing the full brood.

I'm still considering saying the thing about what my aunt said to dm. In her head I think she thinks I think (!) that she did nothing to help, and that she is trying to reassure me that she did lots. Whereas I see it as, she did help, that was appreciated, but she was not and never has been the parent and I feel threatened by other people's assetyi

Assertions that she was. (Sorry posted too soon).

Today will probably be horrible. But it could be lovely.

I am very worn down right now.

Thinking of you today, OP. Xxx

Thanks Goodto :)

I've just had a very petty rant to dh about the jeans dm bought me for my birthday. I told her the size before hand. She went shopping with dsil. They decided I didn't need tall, as dsil was wearing heels and is the same height as me with heels on, so bought regular. I pointed out that regular were just about fine with flat shoes on, but I wouldn't be able to wear them with heels. They also chose me a long top that was Large. I'd told them I'm a size 10 on top. Of course dm fussed and said I can change them. But why can't I just have what I ask for? I needed new clothes because I am carrying baby weight and am fed up of being in maternity clothes but can't fit my own. I feel rubbish. It feels like they decided I'm fatter than I think and shorter than I think.

This is very petty and not something I would normally care about (if dh did it I would shrug it off), it's just... It was my birthday, they turned up late with clothes that don't fit me despite being told the exact sizes I need (they wanted specific instructions and got them).

I'm due at theirs at 1. They'll be running late anyway. I still have stuff to sort.

I'm not rushing to get there on time. This is not me at all. I am NEVER late.

Sod it.

my abusive ex used to do that. he would buy me clothes that were hideous and too big, and he was say I was the same size as his mum, or our friends mum, both of whom were a size 20. I was a 10.
At first I was mortified that this was how he viewed me, as an short fat frumpy old woman (I was quite a bit older than him) but actually I think it was deliberately designed to make me feel bad about myself.

Nettle, that's rubbish :(

I don't actually think it's because she wanted me to feel bad, I think it's because my view is so ignored (even when I'm the only one who would actually know) that she would have asked dsil's advice (without tell her sizes) and dsil would have guessed. Same in the top. Because it is long dsil would have guessed by my trouser size (14) that a m/l would fit. But I'm a s/m on top (as dm knew).

So I'm left looking mean and ungrateful saying "these won't fit" in front of dsil (who is nice) who probably had no idea dm had been told sizes. Does that make sense? I feel like I'm set up to be the bad guy. I'm poked and if I react I'm unreasonable, which I would be if you were only party to the reaction and not the poking. So I do look oversensitive. And I do look ungrateful. So my choice is not react or look like a drama queen. I've tried elaborating on why I'm upset (not that I get emotional I try to stay light hearted whilst pointing out that whatever is not right), but then it looks like I'm justifying myself for being insane!

You can never win, Need and you will never be able to. Can you at least go very low contact for a bit?

Hi Need! How did it go today? Was it better or worse than you expected?

I survived :)

It was ok. Dm enthused loudly about everything dsis said, but there were a couple of other people(not family) there and they were nice. I made our excuses and left early. Dm asked me over and over what was wrong and why was I going. I said I was tired.

I was told I would have seconds. I refused them all.

I was cheerful and friendly and didn't rise to anything. They seemed a little nonplussed and clearly decided I wasn't acting myself (their image of me) so must be ill.

Dm asked if she could have the dcs one day next week, I agreed, she then turned straight to dniece and invited her too. I did say (quietly) that it would be nice if the dcs sometimes saw her without dniece there. She said, "but they do!" I said, "you have just invited dniece, dniece is here now, dniece was here last time and the time before". She said dniece would not be there next time. We shall see.

I love dniece, but my dcs deserve time with their dgps alone too.

I think dm decided that this was why I was annoyed.