Need advice re sister.

[CailinDana]

My older sister lives abroad with my parents. We were close when we were very little but after my younger sister was born she changed a lot and bullied both of me and YS pretty much continuously until we left home. YS hates her.
We had a rubbish childhood for various reasons and our parents, while competent from a practical point of view were shit at the important things in parenting. Both YS and I "escaped" but OS is still at home and struggling (lost her job, depressed, friendless). She contacted me recently (first time in about 6 months) to say she wants to come here to participate in a clinical trial for treatment for a minor but persistent medical condition. She wants to stay with me.
I'm torn. I think she is using the trial as an excuse to escape from the miserable life at home and is trying to latch onto me. I felt very angry at her for years but that has waned (possibly due to how seldom I see her) and now I feel sorry for her. I was sexually abused as a child and I suspect she may have been too. I alsi think she has a social disorder.
It feels like she's reaching out to me for help and I feel a sort of duty to help her as I know my parents never will. But she is an extremely selfish and difficult person and the thought if having her in my house for more than a few days fills me with dread.
As a preview of what I can expect should she come over, she asked me to go with her every day to the treatment; which involves driving for over an hour with two small children and waiting with them indefinitely. Bear in mind she is not disabled in any way. She was clearly put out when I said no to that.

So I am torn between my "duty" as a sister and protecting myself from her. Any thoughts?

Yikes. I think you should protect yourself from her. You can still help her out by looking out buses and times for her etc.

Maybe this trip will help you make a decision either way about whether you want her in your life.

And protecting your DC from her as well.
You do not have a 'duty' to her at all. Your parents do but they sound like they won't do anything to help. Doesn't mean you have to.
You know she will be expecting you to run around after her the whole time!?
She is a grown up and quite capable of sorting herself out.
You and your YS had to and so does she.
Sorry, but it sounds like she made your childhood worse.
If it 'fills you with dread' then why are you even considering it?

I would tell her it would be nice to catch up but she can't stay with you.

She's got a nerve hasn't she, no, do not let her stay with you, you know already you will regret it. As above, you're happy to meet up but that is it, sounds like she is already trying to manipulate you with the driving, again, she's more than capable, send her to the bus station.

Thing is, it's very hard to refuse as it seems a very reasonable request.

Heheee, is that THE sister that lives near your mum and you've had other threads about?
You must be mad to contemplate it, OP.

I have posted about her before. She texted "wanting to be friends" about 6 months ago. But inevitably when she contacts me it's because she wants something.

But it's not reasonable.

Sounds harsh but from the little you have written here I really think your sake and the sake of your family do not it.

the thought if having her in my house for more than a few days fills me with dread.

No. Really. Would you allow an acquaintance back in your life who treated you this way? Why is it different for family? Do you think she would have got in touch if she didn't want to use you? She is not reaching out for help she is selfish. She wants you at her beck and call. Tell her no.

And here she is, Cailin, wanting something.

Could you reasonably expect you and yours to put up with her for an indefinite period?

So she was effectively expecting you and your DCs to take part in the trial too.

You do not need to think about it, your kids CANNOT do this. You will not do this to them. Sit around waiting for her, indeed. You said no to that, now say no to the rest of it.

Your kids don't need their lives upending for her. No, no, no.... and breathe

Surely the only sensible thing for her to do is to research accommodation within walking/short bus ride distance of where her treatment is happening, and stay there? What's the sense in basing yourself an hour's drive away when you need to attend daily? Sure, she can pay you a visit while she's in the area - but anything else is foolish. Added to which, if you do accommodate her, pound to a penny she'll pull out all the stops to manipulate/guilt trip you into giving her a lift as often as possible. Stand firm - you're not being unreasonable!

True walkacross. My younger sister actually lives in the city where the trial is happening but she hasn't asked to stay with her, maybe because YS lives in a shared house (and doesn't have a car!).

Nope, you can't have her stay with you, shame.

Get her to stay near the trail place, offer to meet up with her regularly.

I think if I say no it'll make the whole situation with my family come to a head. I'm currently low contact which works fine but this may push me into no contact which I don't feel ready for. But perhaps it's inevitable.

Should I just say yes in order to preserve the "low contact" situation?

My dear CailinDiana, you know what you'd say to any one of us if we were to ask what you've asked?

You so desperately want her to NOT be the person you know her to be, you're mired in Fear, Obligation and Guilt. This FOG is obscuring your vision.

You've seen that she's deliberately targeting you, the text was a softner-upper, and the fact that it makes better sense to ask YS.

She knows how desperately you want to be accepted by her, and she's playing a violin concerto to get what she wants.

It will be a bloody nightmare. You know this.

You have children that need you, you can't commit tothat amount of time. Won't the medical trial pay expenses? Can't she claim a cheap hotel/B&B?

She's doing this for attention, to suck you back in so she can hurt you again.

Say no, it's not going to work for you, and stick to your guns.

Say NO because it's the right thing to do.

If the family thing comes to a head sobeit, you have your family to protect.

I suspect your sister's orchestrating this precisely to create the drama she needs to provoke.

Thing is, it's very hard to refuse as it seems a very reasonable request

Yes a very reasonable request from a normal person who will muck in gladly with your household, pay her way, and, naturally, make her way to and from the clinic.

As none of these things are likely it is a very selfish and inconsiderate request. So say no.

She's an adult, she can book into a B&B or look for digs (like any normal person).

I'd actually forgotten that she's likely to get expenses as part of the trial.

Which she sure as heck wouldn't have shared with you to reimburse for food, petrol etc! Pleeeease don't do it - your family have no right to take you to task about it, she has no right to insist on staying with you - and if your family see this as 'NC' material, then that is surely for the best! Where do your needs and wishes fit into all this?!

Absolutely no no NO! Don't have her to stay. It'll be hell on wheels for you ... and I bet it'd be difficult to get rid of her when the 'treatment' or whatever finishes and you'll be stuck with this cuckoo in the nest.

You don't owe her anything. She's a grown woman, she must sort herself out. Do yourself a favour - let her in and believe me, you'll bloodyr regret it BIG time.

Even if you say yes your relationship with her and you parents is at risk because you are very unlikely to get through six months of someone like this living in your house without having a big falling out.

It seems to me that not having her stay with you at least means you will have your own space when things go pear shaped.

lost her job, depressed, friendless......says it all her prob - not yours keep your precious family away from toxic people.

Do you want to - or have you done anything about the sexual abuse for yourself?

I'd say:
'It would be lovely to see you, OS.
Even I am not selfish enough to expect you to travel all that way every day just for us, so I've found some lovely places for you to stay (some nice hotels and some cheaper B & B's depending on your budget) near the clinic. That way you'll be able to get the most from your treatment without always worrying about Child and Child'.
Then, you can come stay with us on a Saturday night and we'll all catch up.'

Cailin this is one of those situations where you must put yourself first.

Because by putting yourself first you are also putting your dc and dh first.

Your obligation is to your family (as in your dc and dh) and yourself. NOT to your ds.

She is a capable adult. She is someone who has caused your life to be infinitely more difficult than it should ever have been.

If she was also abused then that is horrible of course. But you know, because you've been there, that you can't save her from her past by putting up with her unreasonable behaviour now.

No reasonable person would ask this of you; waiting in the car with two small children, an hour there and an hour back?!

Low contact helps because it means you don't have to put up with these people, and you don't have to deal with the misplaced but strong guilt of cutting them out.

But it's OK and even sensible to say no! If they can't accept that and they chose to cut contact, that is THEIR decision and NOT YOUR FAULT.

Please, please put yourself first. You deserve it.

You are asking for trouble.

She is already putting demands on you wrt the driving and is annoyed you won't comply.

It will be an awful experience. You know this.

You owe her nothing. Truly. Say no.

Deepest - I've dealt with the abuse to some extent but the way my mother reacted when I told her about it (stop trying to make me feel guilty) is still an issue.

There's no way she'd contribute financially or otherwise - she pays a tiny amount of rent to my parents and expects to be paid back for any food she buys.

Right I'll text her and say - "wouldn't it be easier for you to stay in a b and b close to the clinic?" see what she says.