Need advice re sister.

[CailinDana]

My older sister lives abroad with my parents. We were close when we were very little but after my younger sister was born she changed a lot and bullied both of me and YS pretty much continuously until we left home. YS hates her.
We had a rubbish childhood for various reasons and our parents, while competent from a practical point of view were shit at the important things in parenting. Both YS and I "escaped" but OS is still at home and struggling (lost her job, depressed, friendless). She contacted me recently (first time in about 6 months) to say she wants to come here to participate in a clinical trial for treatment for a minor but persistent medical condition. She wants to stay with me.
I'm torn. I think she is using the trial as an excuse to escape from the miserable life at home and is trying to latch onto me. I felt very angry at her for years but that has waned (possibly due to how seldom I see her) and now I feel sorry for her. I was sexually abused as a child and I suspect she may have been too. I alsi think she has a social disorder.
It feels like she's reaching out to me for help and I feel a sort of duty to help her as I know my parents never will. But she is an extremely selfish and difficult person and the thought if having her in my house for more than a few days fills me with dread.
As a preview of what I can expect should she come over, she asked me to go with her every day to the treatment; which involves driving for over an hour with two small children and waiting with them indefinitely. Bear in mind she is not disabled in any way. She was clearly put out when I said no to that.

So I am torn between my "duty" as a sister and protecting myself from her. Any thoughts?

I really think cut contact too. Manipulative people can really, really twist and alter things to make the other person look bad and while a good row might make you feel like you've let go of a lot of hassle, it can come back and bite you in the bum.

Have to say the selfpitying 'you'll be sorry when I die' stuff made me smile. Soooooo 8 year old!

Sigh. My DH mentioned my sister to a friend of ours that we were visiting (he knows my sister and I don't get on) and I filled him in briefly on what was said. He told this whole story of his resentful uncle who regretted not being in contact with his family blah blah blah. It annoyed me because he seemed to imply I would regret not being friendlier to my sister. I feel very judged.

I feel very judged.

People without difficult families do this a lot. They mean well, but they fundamentally lack the imagination to even conceive that other people do not enjoy the same rosy, nurturing relationships they do. Just chalk this one up to experience and avoid talking about this kind of stuff in future unless you know you are in the company of a fellow traveller.

That's because you were talking to someone who's a bit judgemental.

Don't worry about it.

Thing is though bunny he was terribly let down by his parents as a teenager. He was very severely bullied and his parents did nothing about it and their relationship was terrible. He went on today about being an adult and letting things go. Which I have done with my parents to a certain extent. I have an urge to talk properly to him about it but I know I'll just be justifying myself. I hate hate hate being seen as being "difficult" - that's the family story about me. I do not want my friends to see me this way.

OK, sounds like you thought you were in safe company, so I'm sorry to hear you feel so judged. My sister sounds a lot like yours, so I totally see where you are coming from - no judgement here, only understanding. The others are right about knocking your replies on the head, though. Don't give her any more ammo.

No more replying, honest.

I suppose I'd better stick to discussing this here and with my younger sis. It's too sore a topic for people who don't understand.

My mum bumped into a childhood friend of my dsis and mine in a supermarket. Gave her my number.

Went to see her, where she literally regurgitated all of the terrible tales of woe that i'd been through (which had all been completely ignored, and worse by my family)

I brought her up to speed, but yet when she called me again, asked if iwas talking to my dsis again, I said no, and she said 'shame..'

In my head I screamed 'did you not hear a word I said?' and 'if you think it's such a shame, call my dsis and ask her why she was such a complete and utter bitch to me at the very point I was beginning to recover, just because having stabbed me in the back without me knowing wasn't good enough?'

But I said nothing. I vowed not to see this 'friend' again. She's no loss, and if she wasn't listening the first time, then her loss. She's backed the wrong horse.

Sadly having a shit family is a very isolating situation.

I was asked for emergency contacts the other day at work. I couldn't think of anyone, so I gave my childminders as they are the only ones who'd need to know if anything happened to me, as they'd have ds to collect from school etc.

Do I regret cutting them all from my life? No. Not at all. I don't ever have to question why they did what they did, i'll never know, but it doesn't matter. Only I matter.

Come on over to Stately Homes if you want a 'home' here. We're all in pretty much the same boat.

Sadly having a shit family is a very isolating situation

How true, Hissy! I have spent years thinking it must be me and clinging on because I wanted to be seen as normal; as in, most people seem to enjoy spending time with their families, get on with their siblings and have teasing etc which never gets nasty or malicious. I have since got over all that and realise that it's not me - it's them.

I now feel terrible sadness that I am NC with my brother and only rarely speak to my parents and do feel lonely that my idea of a great family, clearly isn't theirs. But then I think - I have my family, me and the DC and that's better than my old family will ever be!

Your sister sounds exactly like my sister. I would tell her to fuck off if my brother did not exist. I have been NC with her since 2006 and it is bloody marvellous! Don't worry you will be seen as the difficult one. Chances are everyone who matters knows she is a manipulative cow. If there are others that judge you, let them! When I put myself and sanity before her drama and manipulation, she went berserk but eventually left me alone. I thought I would look bad but the rest of the family asked why I had not done it years before. Go NC. Your life will feel so much better without her schemes and tricks. She is archetypal isn't she?

He was very severely bullied and his parents did nothing about it and their relationship was terrible

Having a particular problem because your parents got something very wrong is a world away from having parents who are toxic through and through. I'm in the former category, and I probably would have said something like your friend when younger, thinking I knew about forgiveness.

I know better now, after having more life experience, including of people who really do have desperately awful families. If the relationship is flawed from its very inception because the people in it have very skewed attitudes (as with golden child/scapegoat), it won't get better. You can forgive as much as you like, you're still not a real human being to them and they won't treat you better. You would simply be signing up for more of the same.

There's nothing noble or constructive about setting yourself up to be abused again and again. It damages you and the abuser learns nothing. No one can reasonably expect you to do that, or judge you for refusing to do it.

Well said Denzel.

Applause here for Denzel, especially that last paragraph.