My DH says I care more about DM than him...

[PrinceGeorgeII]

And maybe he's right.

We have 11 month DD. My DF passed away when DD was 2 weeks old.
I'm an only child and close to my parents, I cared for my dad during his illness until he died.
Right after he passed DM was round my house every evening, I made her dinner every night. I think it was a combination of wanting to spend time with her new and only grandchild and not wanting to be at home in an empty house.
DH soon complained about it so I asked DM not to come over some evenings. I found this quite hard as I didn't want to hurt her feelings and kept imagining her sat at home on her own.
She was still over most not all evenings and on the two week days I work til late she picks me up from work. Sometimes she pops in to say goodnight to DD sometimes she just drops me off. DH also had a go at me that when DM drops me off I apparently sit outside the house in her car for ages chatting.
DH doesn't drive so on the days I work DM picks DD up from the childminders.
This week DD has a cold, and DM has a big event at the weekend so I told her it was probably best to stay away as I didn't want her to catch a cold.
Monday she didn't come round, tues she picked me up from work and popped in to use the loo.
Yesterday unbeknown to me she went to London alone to register for the race this weekend. She rang me from London and I was surprised and concerned she had gone alone without telling me as she hates going to London and has never been alone. So I told her it was up to her to come round when she got back from London, DDs cold is a bit better.
So she did come round and I managed to make dinner for both DM and DH for when he got home from work.
DM bathed DD for me, DH laid on the bed playing a game on his phone.
When DM left she said "see you tomorrow".
That triggered a verbal attack from DH saying DM doesn't respect me etc.
apparently I don't listen or care to DH, and I care more about DD and DM than him.
He said out of the week I told DM not to come over (I said it was up to her but best not to) she only stayed away one day so far.
He said I had to decide. Decide what exactly I don't know so I told him there's no way I'm choosing between my husband and mother.
The thing is there is no middle ground. I had no idea this week was an issue until he starting shouting at me.
He never mentioned it was a problem when she popped in to use the loo and that night DH and I spent the evening together and had a lovely time.

I am close to my mum, and I am comforted when I am with her as I'm struggling with the unexpected loss of my dad, she helps with childcare and often feeds, bathes and dresses my baby so I can get on with making dinner or housework. I feel guilty if she's alone, her side of the family don't live near by. My dad side do but she doesn't see them all the time.

My husband says he doesn't want to be with me anymore because I don't love or care about him and he doesn't want to be with someone like that.

We have argued plenty of times before, he gets quite verbally abusive and he's never physically hurt me but sometimes he scares me. He's mean. And what ever I say to him is never right, he constantly says I don't listen to him. He cries and wails he's lonely and has nothing and no one, but everytime he does this he doesn't cry tears. I think in our whole married life I have seen actual tears twice.
So when he does this I feel nothing. I know that sounds heartless but I just look at him and think how pathetic it is and I truly feel its a dramatic act. It pisses me off and makes me angry so I don't say or do anything.
Nothing gets done, eventually things go back to normal until suddenly the switch is flicked again and he explodes.

his attitude to you seems to stink. shouting and scaring you is wrong.
that attitude is wrong and you shouldnt put up with it.
but if my dh had his mum over nearly every day for 9 weeks i would flip.
i know she is greiving. but it is his home too, and that would be a step too far for me.

I was going to say I have known many situations where a person can be too close to a parent and the parent is too much in their married lives and that the other spouse/partner can feel pushed out or that they aren't getting enough time to be THEIR family if that makes sense.

However, the end of the OP says you argue plenty of times before, he is quite verbally abusive. He's mean. You're never right.

Please strongly consider leaving this man.

He's abusive, controlling, jealous and pathetic, and he scares you and makes you doubt yourself. He wants to stop you seeing your mother when you've lost your dad, and she her husband. He seems to think you are some sort of possession he's trying to wrestle off your mother.

Your mother, on the other hand, loves you, supports you, respects your wishes, helps you with your child, and comforts and respects you.

If he's making you choose (ehat a loser!), I know who I'd pick.

He might be acting like this due to some sort of inadequacy or issues of his own, but as an adult, he should be focusing on sorting those out for himself, not treating you like chattel who's been unfaithful to him by seeing your own mother. It is not your responsibility to manage his emotions for him. His crying and wailing and saying you never listen is absolutely classic abuser transference. He's accusing you of what he himself is actually doing, ie being cruel and unreasonable.

Trying to alienate a woman from her parents/parent, is a massive red flag. And it's going to be very damaging for your Dd to grow up with a father who sees women as things he owns and gets to make decisions for. And for him to stop her seeing her Grandma.

I would dump this prick, personally.

Also, if he is treating like shit, it's going to make you want to see your lovely mum more, isn't it, the idiot!

What are his positive qualities?

Positive qualities are difficult to come up with right now because I'm feeling angry with him.
I seriously can't think of much.
He's witty, very clever and works hard for what he wants, he can cook nice food.

He sounds like a controlling twat who's using verbal and emotional bullying to try to isolate you from your family.

I'd isolate myself from him instead, if I were you.

Arsehole

You can't put a time limit on grief.

DH must realise that even 11 months on you miss your DF and worry about DM. If he had expressed concern for his MIL and at least framed objections in the shape of "Your DM needs to start rebuilding her life, she is still young enough to get so much out of life, we will be here for her but it will help her to focus on the future if she gets out more and rebuild self-confidence", etc, he could have been justified.

Maybe he bit his tongue for a long time, maybe he can't be diplomatic and is habitually unpleasant but when two people have opposing views, shouting or "being mean" won't help.

Lots of couples have in-law problems and sometimes after a first DGC is born the level of grandparental involvement can be suffocating. Unluckily in your case you had a major loss as well.

I hope you can talk to each other without him raising his voice. Out of interest what would he consider reasonable contact with your DM?

Do you see yourself putting up with him much longer?

Will he still be wanting her to do all the things she does for you - fetching you home from work, getting your daughter from the childminder, etc and just not come in or have much contact apart from that? Because surely he is not so selfish that he wants her to be a glorified taxi and maid service, right? So she'll back away and he'll get the child from the minder, make sure you are home ok, put his phone down and bath his child, right?

She lost her husband, it's not unreasonable that she needs to be around family. It doesn't sound like he cares one little bit about that.

He sounds like he treats you terribly and tbh, if you had to choose, you might benefit more from choosing your mother.

You have 2 separate issues here.... First us your relationship with DH which does not sound mutually fulfilling, and second is your relationship with your mother and the way it impacts your marriage.

Firstly DH does not treat you with respect, our as an equal partner in the relationship.... And there is no excuse for that!

Secondly, What was your relationship with DH before you started caring for your DF? How long were you carrying for your father? How intense was the relationship with your parents after you got married? When did the township with DH change?

My mil was a lovely woman, and we got on really well .... Until we moved to be close to family. Very quickly, that relationship turned to resentment, as she was always in our house (coulple of times per day), on the phone (several times per night), always needing to help, always had an opinion. She lived her life through her children. Or relationship suffered, as we were no longer a partnership of our own, just sank under her constant presence Although DP did try to create distance at times, I was resentful that mil always seemed to come first, and we couldn't annoy her by saying much, so our relationship went through a very rocky patch. Thankfully we recognised that we were floundering, because of this and some other problems, and opened up better communication. As well, mil's health deteriorated, and she was not fit to visit constantly. Although she was on the phone regularly, and now DP needs to care for her as she is very frail, there is no where near the same negative pressure on or relationship.

You have suffered the loss of your father, and need to grieve. You have a new baby and your body needs to recover. Don't underestimate the impact that these things would have on your emotional wellbeing if they happened separately .... Never mind at nearly the same time.
You need to balance the relationship with DH (if you think it is worth trying to make it work), with your relationship with DM .... Bearing in mind you are an individual, an adult, and the more your DM is part of your life then the less chance she will have to readjust to life without your DF and have a life of her own.

Good luck, as you have a lot to come to terms with and work through on your life. Don't be daunted, but take small steps. Above all open up communications with DH and DM so that both understand you as a person, and that you need to find a resolution for you and not be the crutch for everyone else!

I want to give another example. Over Xmas, we had planned on having Christmas Day dinner at my mothers.
On Xmas eve he wanted to invite friends over (his friends) for a dinner party.
The friends were told to come over at 7pm, a time that would be difficult because DD goes to bed at that time. She takes a good hour to get settled.
He suggested we keep her up for the party,I said no. This was a party I which no other children would be there.
He didn't want DM to come round at all on Xmas eve, even to help out with DD. I had suggested DD could stay over with my DM the night but DH said no.
When it became evident my mum would be alone completely on Xmas eve I started becoming anxious and upset.
I had called round other members of the family to see if they could invite my mum round or even go to my mums. They all had other plans at their homes, my mum could have gone to theirs but as I said they live at least 1 hour drive away.
I told DH I was upset at the situation that DM would be alone on Xmas eve the first Xmas without my dad and he had a right go at me.
So it's not as if we were seeing my mum at all over Xmas but I just could not bear the thought of her sat alone watching Xmas eve telly with no family around her. DH said she's not my responsibility and she has other family members and it wasn't his faulty they didn't bother checking that she had plans. I thought he was very insensitive.
We had Xmas eve with his friends, I put DD to bed so spent a lot of time away from the actual party and we never saw my mum that day.
She spent some time with a good friend of hers.
I felt so awful I couldn't enjoy myself.

He barely speaks to his parents and not close at all so he can't understand our relationship.

And no I can't see myself putting up with him much longer. The problem is he will come home, say in a reasonable manner he feels alone and just loves me he wants to spend time with me, he will make an effort to be nicer and we will go back to normal.
Then in a few weeks time something else will upset him and we will go through this process again.
I'm sick of it yet I can't break the cycle.

He has said he doesn't want to be with you so help him pack. He will change his tune, give you another chance, because what he really wants to do is control you. Don't let him.

It sounds like he is trying to alienate you from your mum. He's threatened by your relationship. I would put money on it that he doesn't like any of your close friends either, men like this want you all to themselves.

With the example of Christmas Eve you should have just told him that if he was having his friends round then you would leave dd with your mum, then you could have enjoyed the party too.

He sounds very immature. How old is he?

I don't have many close friends. I rarely have friends over, which is nothing to do with him it's just how I am. I'm a closed book.
My best friend lives away, and recently he had Facebook argument on one of her posts. He's never done that before and I asked him not to reply to her response but I was upset the two of them were having an argument.
He's late 20s

The Christmas Eve example I can sympathise with him. It was one evening with his friends around in which your mother didn't play a part. Except that she did, and she wasn't even there but somehow she still managed to ruin it for both of you.

I know that's not what you meant. And I know it must be very hard for you to think of your mother being left alone while you are all having "fun" without her. But this burden is yours, and not your mother's problem. Your mum spent time with a good friend of hers that day, and was planning on seeing you all for dinner the following day. She was almost certainly not bitter or sad or resentful that her daughter's family had planned a social evening to which she was not invited. But you were the one with those feelings. And you made him into the bad guy for it. He might not have been particularly sensitive about it, it's true, but I don't think he was in the wrong either.

You can't keep trying to step up and replace her spouse. By doing that you are edging out your own spouse. Three people in a marriage rarely works especially when one doesn't consent to it or even like it! I know it's a hard and lonely time, but you can't fill your father's shoes. It isn't good for either of you. She will need to be alone sometimes, and learn to be at ease in her own company. If you are always there you are only setting her up for a second loss by pulling away later. And you need to realise that your mum is not part of your nuclear family now. You are the parents of your dd, and having your mum constantly in and out of your home sounds suffocating to a marriage.

Whether he is an abusive dick is separate from whether your mum is too involved in your life. I'm not going to comment on him, but your relationship with your mum could do with a bit of healthy distance, for both of you. You can't impose her on every single gathering that has nothing to do with her or you will lose all your friends as well as your marriage, and you can't be miserable and wallowing in guilt every time that you don't see her either.

I totally agree that his attitude is wrong. That he is going about things incorrectly, and you should never put up with abuse.
But I can see his point about your relationship with your mum.
He wants friends over and you insert your need to have your mum there into it. What about time as a couple?
How come you need so much ' help' from your mum? Why couldn't you put your child to bed? Or keep her up? Yourselves?
After so many months it must feel like there are 3 in your marriage.

Is he trying to isolate you? Do you not have many friends because of him or is that how you have always been?

It does sound like you should ditch him.

Even without the rest you say about him, it would be natural if he had said that we would like more alone time with you. Saying that you care more about her than him, from the examples you described, sounds more like he wants to isolate you from her.

So he's trying to alienate you from your mother, and he's trying to alienate you from your few close friends. Regardless of whether you see your mum too much or not, he is clearly possessive, controlling, verbally and probably emotionally abusive. THIS is the real issue. This is the real him he is showing you - anyone can act nice when things are going their way. Your time with your mum isn't the problem, your controlling OH is.

And isolate you from the few friends you have...

I want us to have a break from each other and see how we feel after a few weeks apart.

You've had some good food for thought on this thread from other posters.

Some things jumped out at me, and sorry if I seem rude by asking:

Do you need all that help from your DM with your DD? You mention more than once about help with changing, putting to bed etc. Are you leaning on your mum a bit because your DP doesn't help with DD, or maybe because you're struggling?

With ref to the OP, you mentioned your mum going to London alone, and then later in the thread you mentioned about your fear for her alone at Christmas, and in the end she met up with friends. Shows that she is active and wants to do things. You seem to have a lot of anxiety worrying about her in a 'what-if' situation. Does she really need you to worry so much about her?

Your DP does sound very unsympathetic, I agree. But in a way I also would dislike having my MIL in my house constantly.

He's being very unfair on you, I also don't like the fact he scares you, that's not right at all and should not be happening.

If it wasn't for the fact that you nursed your dad until his death and are very close to both your parents, I'd say it is a bit much your mum visiting so often but under the circumstances, it's actually pretty normal, you both are helping each other, doesn't sound like he's much help.

What about spending time at hers instead, or would he be objecting to that as well? I can understand it's his home and he wants privacy so perhaps you going there would sort that out.

I do suffer anxiety and depression maybe I over analyse the situation with my mum.
I find her help invaluable as my husband doesn't do much to be helpful. He works full time, so do I yet I find I do most of the childcare.
I don't mind, I love looking after my daughter but I do struggle to do it all. That's looking after my daughter, working full time and keeping up the housework.
I told my husband I want to reduce my hours at work, he won't let me saying we can't afford (I think we could if it save on childminder fees) and that he wants to go part time.
I admit my mum probably is round a lot, and not making excuses I don't do anything else, don't go out unless it's taking my daughter somewhere or work. I'm willing to reduce the time spent with my mum but it's how he behaves. He's like a child throwing a tantrum.

I can give many other examples where he has been extremely immature and borderline abusive over other matters. (I say borderline because I am not sure if it is abuse or not).