My DH says I care more about DM than him...

[PrinceGeorgeII]

And maybe he's right.

We have 11 month DD. My DF passed away when DD was 2 weeks old.
I'm an only child and close to my parents, I cared for my dad during his illness until he died.
Right after he passed DM was round my house every evening, I made her dinner every night. I think it was a combination of wanting to spend time with her new and only grandchild and not wanting to be at home in an empty house.
DH soon complained about it so I asked DM not to come over some evenings. I found this quite hard as I didn't want to hurt her feelings and kept imagining her sat at home on her own.
She was still over most not all evenings and on the two week days I work til late she picks me up from work. Sometimes she pops in to say goodnight to DD sometimes she just drops me off. DH also had a go at me that when DM drops me off I apparently sit outside the house in her car for ages chatting.
DH doesn't drive so on the days I work DM picks DD up from the childminders.
This week DD has a cold, and DM has a big event at the weekend so I told her it was probably best to stay away as I didn't want her to catch a cold.
Monday she didn't come round, tues she picked me up from work and popped in to use the loo.
Yesterday unbeknown to me she went to London alone to register for the race this weekend. She rang me from London and I was surprised and concerned she had gone alone without telling me as she hates going to London and has never been alone. So I told her it was up to her to come round when she got back from London, DDs cold is a bit better.
So she did come round and I managed to make dinner for both DM and DH for when he got home from work.
DM bathed DD for me, DH laid on the bed playing a game on his phone.
When DM left she said "see you tomorrow".
That triggered a verbal attack from DH saying DM doesn't respect me etc.
apparently I don't listen or care to DH, and I care more about DD and DM than him.
He said out of the week I told DM not to come over (I said it was up to her but best not to) she only stayed away one day so far.
He said I had to decide. Decide what exactly I don't know so I told him there's no way I'm choosing between my husband and mother.
The thing is there is no middle ground. I had no idea this week was an issue until he starting shouting at me.
He never mentioned it was a problem when she popped in to use the loo and that night DH and I spent the evening together and had a lovely time.

I am close to my mum, and I am comforted when I am with her as I'm struggling with the unexpected loss of my dad, she helps with childcare and often feeds, bathes and dresses my baby so I can get on with making dinner or housework. I feel guilty if she's alone, her side of the family don't live near by. My dad side do but she doesn't see them all the time.

My husband says he doesn't want to be with me anymore because I don't love or care about him and he doesn't want to be with someone like that.

We have argued plenty of times before, he gets quite verbally abusive and he's never physically hurt me but sometimes he scares me. He's mean. And what ever I say to him is never right, he constantly says I don't listen to him. He cries and wails he's lonely and has nothing and no one, but everytime he does this he doesn't cry tears. I think in our whole married life I have seen actual tears twice.
So when he does this I feel nothing. I know that sounds heartless but I just look at him and think how pathetic it is and I truly feel its a dramatic act. It pisses me off and makes me angry so I don't say or do anything.
Nothing gets done, eventually things go back to normal until suddenly the switch is flicked again and he explodes.

I think it would be best if you had some counselling, Your worry about your dm is a bit excessive and although your H is horrid in what he says and how he treats you, he may have a point about being left out of his family because of the way you think of your dm. She is a very active woman and has friends and a social life by the sounds of it. She may not want so much involvement in your life but can see you can't cope, you may be causing her stress by your neediness. If he wants to leave let him but don't expect to fill the gap with your dm its not fair on her.

Sidge - perhaps if he lifted a finger to shoulder some of the responsibilities that are equally theirs, the OP wouldn't need to lean on her mum so much. Or, indeed, lean on her because he is a verbally and emotionally abusive bastard.

Well it does sound like you worry about your mother more than is good for either you or her, but you also sound like you are fed up with your husband.

Not the same thing, but my exDP once told me to choose between my DM and him and I choose my DM, because I was already really fed up with our relationship.

You need to rescue whatever friendships you have left after you DH picking fights with your friends and leave him. Maybe he is a great guy, but you obviously are no longer happy with him. And your mum? let her get on with her own life, she sounds like a vibrant person who is not interested in using you as a crutch. You need to build up your own life again.

My mum does like to be involved, she's a very mothering person and likes to be able to be useful to everybody (not just me).

I agree me and my mum do spend more time together at the expense of my husband and I want to address it.

However if my husband sat down with me and said something like "I am feeling pushed out because your mum is round all the time, I know you've just lost your dad but how can we help her lead her life so we can lead ours as a family?" Rather than shouting at me "you never listen, your mum is here constantly, you don't want to be with me you don't love me, her needs come before mine, I'm sick of this I want to leave, I don't want to be around someone who doesn't care about me". Then fake cry and keep me awake all night saying he's lonely, pushing me away when I try to console him, telling me to "shut up" if I try to talk to him about it. I have to spend several hours being berated by him. Unable to do or say anything.

He's said my mum is being unreasonable and now refusing to talk to her just because I told him she didn't want to come in the last night and cried in the car. She's not once said he's been unreasonable she is doing as he wishes but she feels hurt.

The loss of my dad is very raw. It was recently one year since he was admitted to hospital for the last time (he went in and we thought he would get better and come home when in fact he came home to be allowed to die), his recent birthday and soon to be one year since his death.

Tomorrow my mum is running the London marathon in memory of my dad and has raised thousands, my husband won't even wish her good luck.

I'd stop trying to force your mum and H do do things, if he won't wish her luck - so what? shes still going to run it . If he doesn't want to talk to her then let him get on with it> You are never going to make him be her best friend he will never love her like you do.

I bet he could dig his heels in and say about you ' shes really mean as she just turns up with her mum and won't even let me have friends over for christmas eve without getting all stroppy and worrying about her mum when we were having her for all of christmas day'

I know he isn't going about it the right way but neither are you.
Why don't you sit him down and say what you want - you are aware that he can't talk properly but still do what upsets him and then moans about it.

If you don't want to live like this then don't. Change on your own - don't expect your mum or your H to change to fit you.

I have to spend several hours being berated by him. Unable to do or say anything.

This right there is abusive and a good reason to leave him. I bet that if it wasn't your mother, he'd find something else to put you down.

I have married friends whose parents have died. Both partners visit each other's parents regularly, help them and so on. He's being a twat.

To be honest, it does sound like you are overly involved with your mother, and both of you seem to live in each other's pockets. It sounds quite smothering - has she always been like this, but restrained herself because of your father?

That said, you are still grieving, and your husband is being an utter fuckwit. As you say, it would be understandable if he complained about your mother monopolising your attention. But making you feel worthless? That's abusive.

I don't mean to be hurtful, but might there be similar patterns in the way you deal with your mother and husband? As if you try to keep both of them pleased and systematically allow your own feelings and preferences to be irrelevant?

I think DistanceCall has summarised the situation well from my outside opinion.

Agreeing with what a couple of others are saying here: what you want seems to be missing from consideration here. Do you, for example, want your mum to put your daughter to bed, so you can cook dinner, or would you rather have the time with your daughter and get someone else to cook dinner? That's not to say you can always have what you want, but that what you want is equally as important as what the others want.

Some time apart from your husband sounds like a good idea [agree with others that he is behaving abusively] and also some time thinking about how you and your mum want your relationship to work now.

Have you had an opportunity to grieve for yourself, bearing in mind you had a newborn at the time? Cruse or similar organisations might be able to help.

I agree with those who have said you have two issues.

Your DH sounds abusive and foul - I'm not sure this can be salvaged.

However even if you had a fantastically lovely DH, they would be about the amount of time and involvement you have with your mother.

I got together with my DH just as my Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, my Dad died 10 months after our wedding. The first Christmas after he died my mum spent on her own - her choice, she wanted us to be a family and her not be in the way. I think even a lovely DH would have wondered why your mum couldn't spend Christmas Eve by herself if you were spending Christmas day together. My mum would think it really odd to be in the house of her married DC every day and be sharing all of their plans - after all we've got married and have left home and are making new families in which she has a smaller role (an important one but a smaller one).

If you had a lovely DH you'd find they wanted to do the stuff with your DC that your mum does and they would feel your mum is pushing them out of the relationship. What they wouldn't do is shout at you for hours over it but I think they would find it a big issue in a marriage.

I think you having space from him is a good idea so you can decide what you want to do about the relationship. If you decide to end it, spend a long time before starting a new one - and try to expand your circle of support so it isn't just you and your mum alone.