My DH says I care more about DM than him...

[PrinceGeorgeII]

And maybe he's right.

We have 11 month DD. My DF passed away when DD was 2 weeks old.
I'm an only child and close to my parents, I cared for my dad during his illness until he died.
Right after he passed DM was round my house every evening, I made her dinner every night. I think it was a combination of wanting to spend time with her new and only grandchild and not wanting to be at home in an empty house.
DH soon complained about it so I asked DM not to come over some evenings. I found this quite hard as I didn't want to hurt her feelings and kept imagining her sat at home on her own.
She was still over most not all evenings and on the two week days I work til late she picks me up from work. Sometimes she pops in to say goodnight to DD sometimes she just drops me off. DH also had a go at me that when DM drops me off I apparently sit outside the house in her car for ages chatting.
DH doesn't drive so on the days I work DM picks DD up from the childminders.
This week DD has a cold, and DM has a big event at the weekend so I told her it was probably best to stay away as I didn't want her to catch a cold.
Monday she didn't come round, tues she picked me up from work and popped in to use the loo.
Yesterday unbeknown to me she went to London alone to register for the race this weekend. She rang me from London and I was surprised and concerned she had gone alone without telling me as she hates going to London and has never been alone. So I told her it was up to her to come round when she got back from London, DDs cold is a bit better.
So she did come round and I managed to make dinner for both DM and DH for when he got home from work.
DM bathed DD for me, DH laid on the bed playing a game on his phone.
When DM left she said "see you tomorrow".
That triggered a verbal attack from DH saying DM doesn't respect me etc.
apparently I don't listen or care to DH, and I care more about DD and DM than him.
He said out of the week I told DM not to come over (I said it was up to her but best not to) she only stayed away one day so far.
He said I had to decide. Decide what exactly I don't know so I told him there's no way I'm choosing between my husband and mother.
The thing is there is no middle ground. I had no idea this week was an issue until he starting shouting at me.
He never mentioned it was a problem when she popped in to use the loo and that night DH and I spent the evening together and had a lovely time.

I am close to my mum, and I am comforted when I am with her as I'm struggling with the unexpected loss of my dad, she helps with childcare and often feeds, bathes and dresses my baby so I can get on with making dinner or housework. I feel guilty if she's alone, her side of the family don't live near by. My dad side do but she doesn't see them all the time.

My husband says he doesn't want to be with me anymore because I don't love or care about him and he doesn't want to be with someone like that.

We have argued plenty of times before, he gets quite verbally abusive and he's never physically hurt me but sometimes he scares me. He's mean. And what ever I say to him is never right, he constantly says I don't listen to him. He cries and wails he's lonely and has nothing and no one, but everytime he does this he doesn't cry tears. I think in our whole married life I have seen actual tears twice.
So when he does this I feel nothing. I know that sounds heartless but I just look at him and think how pathetic it is and I truly feel its a dramatic act. It pisses me off and makes me angry so I don't say or do anything.
Nothing gets done, eventually things go back to normal until suddenly the switch is flicked again and he explodes.

I think as someone else said there are two issues; your husband and your mum.

To be honest it sounds as if your mum is managing better than you are. She went to London on her own but you are the one stressing about it, she spent Christmas Eve with a friend but you are stressing and upset. If you were that worried about your mum being on her own why was she not already invited to your house, why did you only start to worry when your DH suggested having friends round? Why didn't you check she had plans if this was such a big issue?

It's hard but your mum has to get used to being on her own. You need to let her find her feet and find new friends and interests. I think you are putting your mum in a difficult position, getting her to come over so she doesn't realise it's an issue, but for your DH it is. DPs family used to come to ours for dinner most nights (pre kids) they thought it was fine (they are very thick skinned/gormless) but it caused some stonker arguments with me and DP, but it wasn't their fault he kept inviting them, they assumed it was ok with me.

What's your mums take on all of this?

I second what roar has said.

And if tables were turned I'm not sure I could cope with my own mil being around so much.

I think I would find that a bit suffocating, to be honest! It sounds as though she does come first with you and whilst your DH doesn't sound particularly great, in his situation I would be struggling too! It all goes to how he was when your DF was alive and well - if he was an arse then, well he's just an arse!

I think it is also really sad that your Xmas eve was spoiled when it actually sounds like your mum did make plans (she saw a friend if I remember correctly) and you were seeing her the next day. Your DM went to London and you got yourself into a state that she hadn't told you - a grown woman making plans shouldn't need to run them past you, especially if you want her to start getting her independence and life back.

Having said that, you've both lost someone so dear to you and need each other. I just think some time spent with just you and DH would give you time to talk, get everything into the open. If this just underlines how unpleasant and unreasonable he is, then you will know (and will probably know pretty quickly)

I would just like to say I don't have a very close relationship with my DM, so feel free to ignore anything. It just sounds so full on and pretty co-dependant

I told my husband I want to reduce my hours at work, he won't let me saying we can't afford (I think we could if it save on childminder fees) and that he wants to go part time.

Go part-time and do what? Share the housework and childcare more evenly? Well that might fly. If otoh he felt resentful when you took ML and thought you'd had the life of Riley - strange definition of pregnancy, childbirth, then bereavement and a newborn - then he might have other ideas.

I very much feel for you - I still feel responsibility for my DM even 11 years after we lost my Dad. And at that point we'd been married for over 15 years and our DC were not babies. However, I do think that your DM should be a little more sensitive, and give you time to yourselves. Could you ask her to babysit one night each week, and have a date night? Maybe encourage her to start an activity, so that you can relax knowing she's occupied. You can't take on responsibility for your DM's happiness - it's up to her too.

Feel for you - and makes me appreciate my own DH who never questioned us building a 'granny flat' so that DM could move in with us. But she never comes into us without knocking - so it's mutual respect.

My dad wasn't ill when I first met DH but when we married my dad was sick and progressively got worse.
Before his death I spoke to either my mum or dad on a daily basis over the phone or text/email and saw them other days.
It might be an only child thing but my mum brought me up in an overprotective environment due to bad experiences that happened to her.
She's acknowledged this and now let's me get on with things but I feel I want to spend time with her. Especially since my dad died family is very important to me.
The Xmas eve thing, my mum spent the evening with her friend as a last minute thing so she wasn't on her own. My husband had his ideas about what he wanted to do for Xmas eve and saw it was ok because we were having Xmas day dinner together.

It's odd he's never raised a hand to me but when he is angry I feat for my safety. I realise it might be paranoia due to my anxiety though.
If we argue at night, he will shout and tell me to shut up if I speak, I stay silent too scared to move sometimes so try to sleep, I fall asleep then he starts again. There's been many nights where I have had no sleep because he spends the night telling me what a horrible person I am to him.

My mum does have her own interests. She runs three times a week and has been training for the Marathon. She doesn't come over on training nights.
She has more of a social life and friends than I do.
She does have DD overnight but I work nights too so spending regular evenings with DH is limited.

Honestly Prince, you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, it's not right what your OH is doing to you, have you ever thought about leaving?

...which he also complains about (I work too many nightshifts)

So you both work full time but he does nothing around the house and nothing in terms of your DC? He is verbally abusive and you are scared of him? Even if she's not in the house he gets angry that you sit in the car talking to her?

You do need to let go of the responsibility you've taken on for keeping your mother from feeling lonely. Before any of that I'd take a hard look at your relationship with your DH.

Ok - he keeps you up so he can shout at you & tell you how awful you are? He sounds awful and you need to get out of this relationship now...

At the risk of inflaming him even more, could you and DD stop with your mum until you decide what you want to do next...

And obviously, my previous post should be read with a serious pinch of salt... I still think it's suffocating but you need someone in your life who treats you as you deserve!

Well, let's hope that one of his parents is never in that situation and he has to feel the guilt that comes with it. I've been through similar ,my brother has gone off to uni and whilst my mum lives with my dad they aren't really a couple anymore so can be quite lonely for her. I've felt guilt as of late about her being on her own and have tried to help as much as possible. I have her round most days and she's very helpful with the kids. I did go through a stage where I didn't want her so close to me and wanted her to develop a social life etc... BUT realised that was me being selfish and only wanting her when I needed the help which isn't fair to her.
Luckily my partner really doesn't mind as it stops me talking crap to him instead ,lol. I can't imagine the stress of a partner making you choose on top of it. Just as longs it's not a case of you taking your mums needs on top of your partners then I don't see the problem. And if I've read correctly your mum has done the baths and bedtime whilst he's been lounging about ; he wouldn't be able to do that if your mum wasn't there as I would hope you'd expect him to help you. Slightly similar situation but when i had post natal with my first I used to dread partners kids coming round. Not because I resented them but would feel very claustrophobic. Also ,I suppose having issues with his ex ,his kids mother ,I couldn't seperate them in my mind. BUT I never asked partner to cancel them coming round and I never expected him to say no to any extra evenings of having them because I love him and would never make him choose. It was my issues so I would go round my mums or round a friends to get some space. Of course sometimes he would take Nate and take them out for dinner etc...

All that being said ,you've got to get that happy medium ; you can't devote ALL your time to your mum ,plenty of people spend evenings alone and they're fine with it. If you get her accustomed too much to having company constantly then on the odd night she doesn't see you she's going to really feel the loneliness. Sometimes you really need to put then through that so they get used to it if that makes sense. I was the same with my mum as I thought as much as I love my mums company if I went on holiday or something then she'd really be at a loose end as she wasn't used to enjoying her own company.

*postnatal depression

There's been many nights where I have had no sleep because he spends the night telling me what a horrible person I am to him

This isn't about your mother. This is about him and his abusive attitude towards you.

When I read your original post I thought, fucking hell, I'd be pissed off too if my MIL was round as much as your mother is. I have since read your other comments and he sounds like a very controlling, abusive man. Why would a person keep another up all night? - To deprive them of sleep and make compliant. The fact that he harangues you regularly without letting you get a word in is abusive, keeping you up all night is abusive. Just because has hasn't hit you doesn't make it alright and I don't want to alarm you but there have been instances of men turning on their children as they grow older because they deprive the man of having his wife to himself.

I'd be concerned about my future with this man.

I don't think he sounds borderline abusive.

He sounds abusive.

To be honest op

Your stress and anxiety levels would be a hell of lot better and easier to manage if this abusive arse was not around.

He is grinding you down, it seems you get no rest either physically
But more importantly mentally. This is not going to get better, in fact ide wager for it getting worse. Life is too short to live with a prison guard who feels it's ok to verbally beat you for hours.
If someone tells you you are worthless for long enough you will start to believe it, it's a slippery slope you are on.

It might be that your mum spends so much time at your house because she sees him for who he is and is worried about you?

He sounds like an arse. The only thing I might agree with him on is that if you were spending Christmas Day with your mum (quite rightly as it was going to be a difficult one) then it's OK to do something he wants on Christmas eve, surely?

But that's completely outweighed by the rest of it. Get shot!

If you are frightened when he gets cross although he has never physically hurt you, that may not be paranoia, but self-preservation.

If he never has to lift his hand to you but just get angry to get control then he probably won't bother with hitting you, but what if you stood up to him - what would he do?

I think getting a break from him might help.

It is possible that the anxiety you feel for your Mum is actually projected from your own anxiety. Whether this is because: he has destroyed your self-confidence, you are naturally anxious or you have some PND or... I can't tell, but its worth thinking about.

Hey sweetie. News flash - you are perfectly entitled to care more about your mum than your DH, she's your mum FFS. And she seems to do stuff for you. Unlike him.

So DM picked me up from work this evening and dropped me home. I offered her to come in but she said no thank you and began to cry. When I asked what the matter was she wouldn't say but just said I should spend time with DH and not to spend too long in the car talking because DH would be waiting for me. (I had told her yesterday that he complained she was round too often)
When I got in I mentioned mum dropped me off and didn't want to come in and was upset. He said he never said she couldn't come round. Later I was talking to him about my mums race on Sunday and asked if he was going to wish her good luck. (It's a big deal as she is running for charity in memory of my DF) He said he didn't want to speak to her if she was going to act like this. He then got upset saying "I can't do this anymore, I just can't" and "it will be best if I do leave then you won't have to choose between us"
He said he will sort out somewhere else to live.
He proceeded to cry into his dinner with no actual tears.

Make sure he follows through and leaves. Abusive arsehole.

Good mothers do their best to make sure their children are happy.
Good husbands make sure their wives are happy.
Stick with the good ones in your life. Not the emotional blackmailers.

If he's abusive it might be best if he does leave. Regarding the issue with your mum , I think anyone would be pushed to find that amount of contact tolerable. Really your Dh should be doing bedtime and baths, not your mum.

Tell the abusive, manipulative, headfucking cunt to cry you a river. Fake crying is one of the classic immature tricks of an abuser.

It sounds to me like your mum is worried about how he's treating you, not merely worried about her coming in. And she's right too. What you describe is textbook abuse. Furthermore, even without that aspect, the fact that you work f-t, do all the housework and all the childcare, means he is a fucking twat who you should get rid of.

Whilst I can't condone your husband's behaviour at all I do see that it appears that since his daughter was born he's been pushed out in favour of your mum.

I'm not for a moment excusing his actions as he sounds like a bully but at the same time he's been completely usurped by your mum for the last 10.5 months. It must be difficult to be an effective husband and parent when someone else has filled those shoes.