Is this an abusive relationship?

[Stupid100]

I have been with my H for nearly 20 years. We have 3 children, still all in primary school.
We argue only ever how he attempts to control me, doesn't like my friends, sulks if I dare to go out socially without him, checks up on me. I have deleted several social profiles as he would constantly monitor me on there and ask me later why I had said this etc and why had I chose that photo. You get the drift.
He confronted me the past few days as I dared to go out socially with a female friend without consulting him first, it was one of those random night outs that we hadn't planned. (usually the best nights) but he was waiting up for me when I got home.
We have been arguing ever since and he is still not backing down. He has told me I can't go out every weekend. Turns out April is full of birthdays and events but I have nothing planned for the next few months at all.

I don't neglect my children, my house is clean but he says that I am awful for wanting to have a few hours freedom for the house. He loves me and wants to spend every moment when he isn't at work with me. He is allowed hobbies but doesn't make any effort socially with friends tbh so I can see he thinks I am being unjustified having friends etc.

Friends that I have had to fight tooth and nail to keep I realised today... I just googled controlling husbands and every red flag is my husband.
But everyone thinks he is amazing, he works hard, loves the children to bits so what if he wants me to himself, its romantic right?

He is supporting my decision to give up a very small part time job I had so I can go back to college, which is great but I just realised I will have no money in my bank to call my own. We don't have a joint account, I have to ask for money if I want it.

I am torn, he has never raised a hand to me. He is destroyed when we argue. Acts like a hound dog and makes everyone feel sorry for him.

I have nothing, no job, no savings. If I hadn't just saw the red flags on those websites I wouldn't be questioning it so much. I don't know what to do. I can't talk to RL friends they think he is charming and just loves me so much. Thank you for reading this if you got this far.

OP, I don't think I can offer much in the way of helpful advice at the moment but I can't stop thinking about your situation and I just wanted to offer my hand in strength and support to you.

You are absolutely, unquestionably doing the right thing here.

He hurts your pet because he wants to. It's probably fun for him. That's the kind of man he is. Not a man you want around your children.

This kind of man also finds it very easy to make dramatic statements about just wanting to love you, care for you, not let you down, etc. It's blatant lies and hot air: but he knows you want to hear it (most people do) - and it might press your buttons just long enough that you might give in :(

Don't read his texts. Keep safe, speak to police and WA if you can get through.

Please don't give in, because it will get much harder if you do. (If you do, please, please, rehome your pet immediately.) But try to stay strong now for your own and DC's sake. He really does pose a serious risk to you.

A common theme with psychopaths is that they abuse animals. It is a well recognised trait in Psychology. The cat has done you a favour as it is this that has given you the steel to change your life. Stay strong OP, you are doing the right thing, no question. In six months you will look back and be grateful you chose this path. For now though, be hypervigilant. He is likely to surpass himself in his abusive behaviour in this transition period! Once the DCs learn the split is forever, I bet they will 'come clean' about how they really feel about their (D)Father, prepare to be shocked.

He is saying (by text) that I am making him out to be a monster and pig just for loving me.

I am going to start blocking his number after the kids have phoned to say goodnight and only unblock him again in the evening to say goodnight again.

I know deep down I am doing the right thing, I know that his behaviour isn't normal and I deserve to bring my children up in a safe and happy environment but I want someone to do all this hard bit for me as I feel so bloody weak and stupid.

My eldest hasn't even commented about her dad not being here, not one bit.

I had an interesting chat with my son about how its better for daddy not to be here at the moment and he said really casually 'yeah K's dad and mum broke up and the daddy lives somewhere else now but they (parents) don't argue anymore and they still see their daddy'
So I said 'how would you feel about your daddy getting a place of his own so you can visit?' and he was like really cool and casual about it and was like 'yeah sure, as long as we get to see him'!

So, I know we haven't had the big official chat but it was telling them and them taking it badly that would have pushed me back into this relationship so although I know I am definitely not out of the woods at all, his reaction reassured me a smidge.

I am petrified about him turning nasty, I can't deny it one bit. My stomach feels like its going into free fall every time I think about it too long. Its all too calm at the moment, too civilised, its the calm before the storm as they say.

As long as he doesn't hurt my children I will be okay.

Please call the police DV Unit now. It doesn't commit you to anything but it adds a layer of protection should you need it, and the chances are that you will. Maybe not this week, or next, but you would really regret it if he followed the pattern and you hadn't contacted them. If it turns out you never need them, then you've lost nothing. You just need to give them a heads up.

Have you had any luck with WA?

I am scared to call them Jux my friend did the same thing before Christmas last year about her ex relationship and the police appeared on her doorstep not long after the phone call and got health visitors involved (she had very young children though) and that was just to flag up her address too. My children would be petrified if the police arrived on the doorstep.

WA have emailed me back, they said that yes my H did indeed raise some concerns with them and then they outlined their views on domestic violence and some links at the end for help if I needed it.

I just read some bits on domestic violence being linked to abuse against animals and it scared the shit out of me if I am honest. I have copied the paragraph below:

Cruelty to Animals

The abuser may punishes animals brutally, be insensitive to their pain or suffering, or neglect to care for the animals to the point of cruelty, e.g. not feeding them all day, leaving them in areas he/she knows will cause them suffering or distress. There is a strong correlation between cruelty to animals and domestic violence which is still being researched. (For more information and personal experiences, see Domestic Violence and Cruelty to Animals.)

It reading things like that, that bring home to me that I married an abuser and I am not making things up in my head. How did I never see this before? What have I done?

You've done nothing love, he didd this.

When you have a sec, look up the book 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft. It really will explain the dynamic. And it will show you that none of this is ever, or was ever your fault.

It's the most freeing thing you'll ever read.

Will look that book up, thank you Hissy

Yes, I am so sorry to say, but yes it is.
I am here, as are many others, you are not alone in this - well done for posting about it here.

Here for you op. X you are absolutely doing the right thing

You haven't done anything OP, and none of this is your fault. I am not going to all you by your name, because you are not stupid at all. I think you are incredibly brave. You must be reeling from all of this. I agree though - log it with 101. The more agencies who are aware the more back up and support you will have in the coming weeks and months.

I can understand that you're scared. What scares me though, is that he will return, hurt your cat, hurt you, hurt your children, and that the police will not get there in time to stop him before he starts because they didn't know.

You are a brave strong woman, and you can do it. There is no need for your children to be scared of the police, even if they are at your door. You only need to tell them that the police are there to keep you all safe (even the cat!). I'm sure you can reassure them.

I agree with Lavender that the more agencies aware of what he is like and what you are contending with, the more help you will get, and you will need as much rl help as you can find.

I hope you and the children have a fab, peaceful weekend.

Yes. This sounds suffocating to me. Has he a reason to behave this way. Its difficult when dh's dont have their own life outside of work it puts pressure on you to make him happy. Speaking of own e xperience.