Is this an abusive relationship?

[Stupid100]

I have been with my H for nearly 20 years. We have 3 children, still all in primary school.
We argue only ever how he attempts to control me, doesn't like my friends, sulks if I dare to go out socially without him, checks up on me. I have deleted several social profiles as he would constantly monitor me on there and ask me later why I had said this etc and why had I chose that photo. You get the drift.
He confronted me the past few days as I dared to go out socially with a female friend without consulting him first, it was one of those random night outs that we hadn't planned. (usually the best nights) but he was waiting up for me when I got home.
We have been arguing ever since and he is still not backing down. He has told me I can't go out every weekend. Turns out April is full of birthdays and events but I have nothing planned for the next few months at all.

I don't neglect my children, my house is clean but he says that I am awful for wanting to have a few hours freedom for the house. He loves me and wants to spend every moment when he isn't at work with me. He is allowed hobbies but doesn't make any effort socially with friends tbh so I can see he thinks I am being unjustified having friends etc.

Friends that I have had to fight tooth and nail to keep I realised today... I just googled controlling husbands and every red flag is my husband.
But everyone thinks he is amazing, he works hard, loves the children to bits so what if he wants me to himself, its romantic right?

He is supporting my decision to give up a very small part time job I had so I can go back to college, which is great but I just realised I will have no money in my bank to call my own. We don't have a joint account, I have to ask for money if I want it.

I am torn, he has never raised a hand to me. He is destroyed when we argue. Acts like a hound dog and makes everyone feel sorry for him.

I have nothing, no job, no savings. If I hadn't just saw the red flags on those websites I wouldn't be questioning it so much. I don't know what to do. I can't talk to RL friends they think he is charming and just loves me so much. Thank you for reading this if you got this far.

[ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA]

Yes. This sounds suffocating to me. Has he a reason to behave this way. Its difficult when dh's dont have their own life outside of work it puts pressure on you to make him happy. Speaking of own e xperience.

[Jux]

I can understand that you're scared. What scares me though, is that he will return, hurt your cat, hurt you, hurt your children, and that the police will not get there in time to stop him before he starts because they didn't know.

You are a brave strong woman, and you can do it. There is no need for your children to be scared of the police, even if they are at your door. You only need to tell them that the police are there to keep you all safe (even the cat!). I'm sure you can reassure them.

I agree with Lavender that the more agencies aware of what he is like and what you are contending with, the more help you will get, and you will need as much rl help as you can find.

I hope you and the children have a fab, peaceful weekend.

[LavenderGreen14]

You haven't done anything OP, and none of this is your fault. I am not going to all you by your name, because you are not stupid at all. I think you are incredibly brave. You must be reeling from all of this. I agree though - log it with 101. The more agencies who are aware the more back up and support you will have in the coming weeks and months.

[wannabestressfree]

Here for you op. X you are absolutely doing the right thing

[SpottieDottie]

Yes, I am so sorry to say, but yes it is.
I am here, as are many others, you are not alone in this - well done for posting about it here.

[Stupid100]

Will look that book up, thank you Hissy

[Hissy]

You've done nothing love, he didd this.

When you have a sec, look up the book 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft. It really will explain the dynamic. And it will show you that none of this is ever, or was ever your fault.

It's the most freeing thing you'll ever read.

[Stupid100]

I am scared to call them Jux my friend did the same thing before Christmas last year about her ex relationship and the police appeared on her doorstep not long after the phone call and got health visitors involved (she had very young children though) and that was just to flag up her address too. My children would be petrified if the police arrived on the doorstep.

WA have emailed me back, they said that yes my H did indeed raise some concerns with them and then they outlined their views on domestic violence and some links at the end for help if I needed it.

I just read some bits on domestic violence being linked to abuse against animals and it scared the shit out of me if I am honest. I have copied the paragraph below:

Cruelty to Animals

The abuser may punishes animals brutally, be insensitive to their pain or suffering, or neglect to care for the animals to the point of cruelty, e.g. not feeding them all day, leaving them in areas he/she knows will cause them suffering or distress. There is a strong correlation between cruelty to animals and domestic violence which is still being researched. (For more information and personal experiences, see Domestic Violence and Cruelty to Animals.)

It reading things like that, that bring home to me that I married an abuser and I am not making things up in my head. How did I never see this before? What have I done?

[Jux]

Please call the police DV Unit now. It doesn't commit you to anything but it adds a layer of protection should you need it, and the chances are that you will. Maybe not this week, or next, but you would really regret it if he followed the pattern and you hadn't contacted them. If it turns out you never need them, then you've lost nothing. You just need to give them a heads up.

Have you had any luck with WA?

[Stupid100]

He is saying (by text) that I am making him out to be a monster and pig just for loving me.

I am going to start blocking his number after the kids have phoned to say goodnight and only unblock him again in the evening to say goodnight again.

I know deep down I am doing the right thing, I know that his behaviour isn't normal and I deserve to bring my children up in a safe and happy environment but I want someone to do all this hard bit for me as I feel so bloody weak and stupid.

My eldest hasn't even commented about her dad not being here, not one bit.

I had an interesting chat with my son about how its better for daddy not to be here at the moment and he said really casually 'yeah K's dad and mum broke up and the daddy lives somewhere else now but they (parents) don't argue anymore and they still see their daddy'
So I said 'how would you feel about your daddy getting a place of his own so you can visit?' and he was like really cool and casual about it and was like 'yeah sure, as long as we get to see him'!

So, I know we haven't had the big official chat but it was telling them and them taking it badly that would have pushed me back into this relationship so although I know I am definitely not out of the woods at all, his reaction reassured me a smidge.

I am petrified about him turning nasty, I can't deny it one bit. My stomach feels like its going into free fall every time I think about it too long. Its all too calm at the moment, too civilised, its the calm before the storm as they say.

As long as he doesn't hurt my children I will be okay.

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

A common theme with psychopaths is that they abuse animals. It is a well recognised trait in Psychology. The cat has done you a favour as it is this that has given you the steel to change your life. Stay strong OP, you are doing the right thing, no question. In six months you will look back and be grateful you chose this path. For now though, be hypervigilant. He is likely to surpass himself in his abusive behaviour in this transition period! Once the DCs learn the split is forever, I bet they will 'come clean' about how they really feel about their (D)Father, prepare to be shocked.

[wyrdyBird]

He hurts your pet because he wants to. It's probably fun for him. That's the kind of man he is. Not a man you want around your children.

This kind of man also finds it very easy to make dramatic statements about just wanting to love you, care for you, not let you down, etc. It's blatant lies and hot air: but he knows you want to hear it (most people do) - and it might press your buttons just long enough that you might give in :(

Don't read his texts. Keep safe, speak to police and WA if you can get through.

Please don't give in, because it will get much harder if you do. (If you do, please, please, rehome your pet immediately.) But try to stay strong now for your own and DC's sake. He really does pose a serious risk to you.

[jumpinghoops]

OP, I don't think I can offer much in the way of helpful advice at the moment but I can't stop thinking about your situation and I just wanted to offer my hand in strength and support to you.

You are absolutely, unquestionably doing the right thing here.

[horsetowater]

OP I think you have to forgive yourself because you met him when you were very young and vulnerable. This is why you are in 'disbelief' that you've found yourself in this situation. What he loves about you is precisely, your vulnerability - it means he gets what he wants, power and control and a feeling of being big.

It is likely that at the moment he still thinks you will 'give in' and go back to him which is why he's continuing to pretend to be remorseful. I didn't get the bit where he hurt your cat but that's a very bad sign I'm afraid and you ought to call the police and get your locks changed and make sure you are safe. As soon as he realises that you mean it, things could get very bad indeed.

Take care.

[Hissy]

I can't read all the details, too many echoes for me.

I was set up by the kind of childhood your eldest is having to have the life YOU are having.

Please don't minimise the abuse you have (all) suffered. There will come a day when you realise that, actually, if he had have 'raised his hand to you, the damage inflicted would be less.

You need to get him out of your lives, you'll need help, support, counselling and lots of time to undo the damage this man has done, but you will get there. It's a long road, but you've started the journey by opening your eyes.

We'll be here for you for as long as you need us to be. Some of us have been here years already, and will be for years to come. Let us help you find freedom and happiness?

[Jux]

And don't forget, he is showing unkind tendencies towards your eldest already.

Really, you don't need his permission for this. It has to be your decision. It won't be your decision if he doesn't give you the space to make it.

[badtime]

OP, this is not a pleasant thing to say but reading about your poor cat has brought to mind the fact that studies have shown that one of the best indicators of a violent psychopath is a history of cruelty to animals. Things often progress from there, just as emotional abuse often leads to physical abuse.

[LavenderGreen14]

you don't need his permission to end the relationship - you can decide what you want

[Jux]

Reread the red flags page you found.

Notice that despite asking for some space he will not give it to you as he keeps on bombarding you texts and false promises, whilst not answering the questions you ask.

Turn your phone off for a while to give yourself a break.

He is not listening to you even now.

[DIYapprentice]

Why? Because it is taking a bit of you away from him. Your attention to the cat, however insignificant, takes something away from him.

That is just how petty, controlling and jealous he is.

How are your children with friends? Are they able to visit friends, and have friends over? How does your H deal with that?

[NotQuiteCockney]

No, me neither - the idea of someone intentionally hurting an animal is deeply disturbing.

[Stupid100]

NotQuiteCockney I know but I just can't get my head round why someone would do that. But its giving me the strength to do the right thing.

[NotQuiteCockney]

Because he knows that him hurting the cat matters, and because he has no explanation for what he did - how could he? So he just wants to change the subject.

[Stupid100]

He is promising the world right now. Told me he will back off and that he just wanted to look after me, care for me, love me. How people have always let me down (parents etc) and he said he never will. He said people can change.

He has ignored my several pleads by texts as to why he has hurt our cat and terrified it. He literally ignores every text I sent about that. Why?

I keep having massive wobbles that I am doing the right thing.

I need someone to hold my hand and you lot have been doing that by the bucket load and I cannot thank you enough.

I have got the kids off to school and I am applying for job after job, I can't sit in this house receiving text after text from him when I feel weak and low.

My cat hasn't left my side! Will change my username soon when I feel a bit of hope at the end of this tunnel.

[Jux]

OP - sorry, I can't call you Stupid! - you are doing extremely well.

This is a big change and that is hard, frightening, confusing, and it is no wonder you are sometimes doubtful, sometimes confident and anything in between.

Well done on getting on to the job center, and very good luck with that. The job market is beginning to wake up so you have every chance.

He will crank up the pressure when he sees you standing firm. He will guilt trip you, he will plead, he will make any promise you want. It is not real. It is all an act, as he sees his victims slipping away, and will say and do whatever he can to get you back in his power. Stay strong, don't be taken in. Sadly these people are very good at what they do, you'll get Mr Nice and when that doesn't work you'll get Mr Nasty. A promise from him is not worth the paper it's written on, iyswim.

Keep trying WA. As he's not in the housea atm, you can phone them rather than waiting for em to answer an email, though now the long weekend is over they may have caught up with things today.

You can also phone the police (on 101) and ask for their DV Unit. Tell them about his treatment of your pet - it's a massive red flag - and should trigger further questioning from them. You need your address and phone number(s) flagged by them, just in case Mr Nasty kicks off.

Hold your chin up. You are giving your children a great example of strength and fortitude, standing up to bullies. Be proud.