Is this an abusive relationship?

[Stupid100]

I have been with my H for nearly 20 years. We have 3 children, still all in primary school.
We argue only ever how he attempts to control me, doesn't like my friends, sulks if I dare to go out socially without him, checks up on me. I have deleted several social profiles as he would constantly monitor me on there and ask me later why I had said this etc and why had I chose that photo. You get the drift.
He confronted me the past few days as I dared to go out socially with a female friend without consulting him first, it was one of those random night outs that we hadn't planned. (usually the best nights) but he was waiting up for me when I got home.
We have been arguing ever since and he is still not backing down. He has told me I can't go out every weekend. Turns out April is full of birthdays and events but I have nothing planned for the next few months at all.

I don't neglect my children, my house is clean but he says that I am awful for wanting to have a few hours freedom for the house. He loves me and wants to spend every moment when he isn't at work with me. He is allowed hobbies but doesn't make any effort socially with friends tbh so I can see he thinks I am being unjustified having friends etc.

Friends that I have had to fight tooth and nail to keep I realised today... I just googled controlling husbands and every red flag is my husband.
But everyone thinks he is amazing, he works hard, loves the children to bits so what if he wants me to himself, its romantic right?

He is supporting my decision to give up a very small part time job I had so I can go back to college, which is great but I just realised I will have no money in my bank to call my own. We don't have a joint account, I have to ask for money if I want it.

I am torn, he has never raised a hand to me. He is destroyed when we argue. Acts like a hound dog and makes everyone feel sorry for him.

I have nothing, no job, no savings. If I hadn't just saw the red flags on those websites I wouldn't be questioning it so much. I don't know what to do. I can't talk to RL friends they think he is charming and just loves me so much. Thank you for reading this if you got this far.

OP, this is how it starts. And it never ends well. You only have one option, and that is to get out. It might take you a few attempts, but always know you have to leave.

Controlling behaviour is the worst type of abuse. If I had stayed with my XP I would have ended up either dead or in prison. I thank God every day that we never had kids and so I had no ties to him. You can get out, there is so much help out there. Forget the financial aspects, they really do not matter. Stay strong OP. You have recognised that this is abuse, you now have to get out.

Yes, the last thing you need now is another pregnancy.

Is there someone who can look after your pet for you for a while?

I'm sure it feels like your head is going to burst with the new emotions and realisations you are having to come to terms with right now, and with all the things you need to do.

It will get better, I promise. Better and easier.

Your phone is in your name but you aren't going to have any money to pay for it.

Hi OP,

How are you doing?

Please change your username. You are not stupid. You trusted someone, built a life with them, tried to be a good wife and mother. That's not stupid, it's admirable. It may be wasted on someone like your H, but it does not make you stupid. A more worthy man would have repaid your efforts, not manipulated them. The fault is your H's, not yours. He is the stupid one for not appreciating what you are.

This is a classically abusive relationship, despite the absence of violence. Violence is just one tool in the abuser's arsenal. A master manipulator doesn't need it. Some of the most abusive relationships I've ever seen have never involved violence. It's about power and control. And regardless of your H's awareness about his behaviour (he probably doesn't see himself as abusive and instead views himself as the benevolent benefactor who knows what's best for you), that doesn't matter because the effect is the same - unacceptable.

I would strongly urge you to think about your safety right now. If you want to leave, do not make the mistake of thinking you owe your H a reasonable explanation and to talk it through. That doesn't work with abusers, it is just used against you. You need to present him with a fait accompli. Do not tell him you are leaving until you have got all the relevant paperwork you need safely stored out of the house, until you have squirrelled away as much of your belongings and clothes as you can without him noticing, and until you have organised somewhere to go (even if it's a refuge). Women's Aid are an excellent source of advice to guide you through this. If you have any doubts about your ability to keep up the subterfuge, just leave and worry about the details later. It is a good idea to have someone with you when you leave/go back to collect things, but you could just leave and communicate afterwards (preferably in writing, as although this will lead to accusations of lack of respect and cowardice, it keeps you safer and can provide evidence of abusive behaviour).

You might not feel ready for any big steps yet. Leaving is a process. Realising that you in an abusive relationship is the very first step. It's ok not to feel strong enough to do anything with that realisation right now, as long as you don't deny it. Knowledge is power, so read up about abuse and get support from the likes of Women's Aid. You may also find this book very helpful.

Good luck OP.

Well after my last post, he bombarded me with hundreds of texts promising to change and begging me to get back with him, stating he couldn't even concentrate on work as he was just so upset.

I made him stay away, the children wondered where he was but we were supposed to be away for that week at a friends house (but she let us down badly) so I told the children that he had those plans to stay out as we weren't supposed to be here anyway and they bought that story!

He came to see the children but followed me to the bathroom while I got in the bath and didn't spend a second with the kids. He didn't leave me alone. He left again that night but I got bombarded with another load of texts. He wore me down. He returned to the house that week to 'try' again.

I tried to be normal. I really really did. We did a few days out as a family but it was stilted and awkward, for me anyhow.

I think something has shifted in me. I kept sneaking on here and reading the replies to convince myself I wasn't imagining what I had suspected about this relationship.

The last few days have been difficult, we couldn't even speak without us ending up in petty arguments followed by hostile silences.
He got drunk yesterday night after the kids went to bed.
I left him to it and went to bed to watch the series I am watching on Netflix. He thought I had my headphones on, I heard him sneak into the kitchen where our pet was a few times.
The 2nd time I heard him go into the kitchen and not run the tap or open the fridge etc so I suspected he was doing something to the pet. I jumped up and ran downstairs and found my pet cowering and all his fur on end. I asked him what he had done and he looked shifty and kept repeating 'nothing, you're mad'.
I told him there and then that we are finished. I have zero respect for him.
He said he knows that but he isn't living without his kids.

I told him we will work something out. At the moment he holds all the money. The rent is due and council tax. I have £1 in my bank till next Friday when my last wages from my job come through.

Today he acted like last night never happened. I spent the day in bed while he continued cooking the meal he planned to cook for his parents, like everything is normal.
I told his mum I was sick, that's why I was in bed.

He has gone out now and said he will sleep in one of the children's rooms and put the youngest in with me.

I am scared and I am petrified what my future holds. I am scared of him and what he may do when he realises it's really over. I am scared of bringing my kids up alone and all the scare mongering that the press say about kids coping with divorce.

I am contacting woman's aid by email as I can't say any of this out loud. I have no one. His family are all I had. Believe me they think he is a saint.

My friends are great but what can I ask of them really? They have their own families and problems.

Thanks for listening x

Oh, OP. Well done honey. You are doing an an amazing thing, one step at a time. On Tues you need to make contact with a solicitor. But for now: while he is out you must call 101 and log what is going on with the police. I believe you are at real risk of physical harm at the moment. Ask for contact with the DV unit and get a tag put on your address so they can go directly to you without the need for details over the phone. Is there a friend you can go to until then, with the kids? Have WomensAid replied to your emails?

Thank you Handywoman no I haven't had any response from women's aid yet. I can't call them as he is here again. He rolled in at 4.30am this morning, which is completely out of character for him.

I think he will be so hungover today so I don't see him having the energy for any arguing today.

I have been worrying myself sick about the children all night, how they will cope etc but I have applied for a brilliant job which is local and fits around the school day so big fingers crossed for me as it would help out massively!

My friends are all so busy I haven't even told anyone what has happened over this weekend.

I don't know where to start tomorrow but I know I will get there and I can't thank you lot enough for giving me the strength to start this

Don't forget to delete your history as well as name change.

Please tell a friend, OP. If I were your friend in RL I'd be gutted if you hadn't told me. They'll want to help, no matter how 'busy' they are.

how are you doing OP?

I am not doing great tbh star8369 he has moved into his parents house at the moment but only taken a few items of his and still has a set of keys to the house.

He has sent a few texts today asking if I was happier this way and told me he is going to end up hating me for taking his kids away from him and the house that he has worked so hard for years...

I am swinging from feeling strong and ready for facing it all alone to literally having panic attacks and feeling ridiculous that I am even contemplating divorcing him.

Women's aid haven't been in touch yet but I did contact the job centre this morning and tax credits to get some money for us for the time being and applying for every suitable job.

I have started confiding in friends too who have been a great help but I am so confused and can't even talk for long on one subject, they will be sick of me soon!

The kids are still unaware this is a permanent split and I am not even nearly ready for that talk.

So for now I feel in limbo.

I wish I could sleep away the next 6 months or so or see into the future to reassure myself I am doing the right thing. But I know deep down I am. And that will have to do for now.

Thank you again x

I can understand that it feels strange, and that you feel in limbo. Part of this is because he still has keys to the house :(

I really think some anxiety, even panic, is only to be expected at this point, so please don't think this means you're wrong.

It's great that you've spoken to the job centre, applied for a job (good luck!) - and started to confide in friends too. Abuse thrives in secrecy. You never know how people will respond, but it sounds as if you've had some support.

Please keep going. Remember that a man who can frighten or torture a loved family pet, for fun, and on the quiet while he thinks you aren't looking, is sick at his very centre. Such a person poses a serious risk to you and DC.

You are doing the right thing, OP. Courage

OP - sorry, I can't call you Stupid! - you are doing extremely well.

This is a big change and that is hard, frightening, confusing, and it is no wonder you are sometimes doubtful, sometimes confident and anything in between.

Well done on getting on to the job center, and very good luck with that. The job market is beginning to wake up so you have every chance.

He will crank up the pressure when he sees you standing firm. He will guilt trip you, he will plead, he will make any promise you want. It is not real. It is all an act, as he sees his victims slipping away, and will say and do whatever he can to get you back in his power. Stay strong, don't be taken in. Sadly these people are very good at what they do, you'll get Mr Nice and when that doesn't work you'll get Mr Nasty. A promise from him is not worth the paper it's written on, iyswim.

Keep trying WA. As he's not in the housea atm, you can phone them rather than waiting for em to answer an email, though now the long weekend is over they may have caught up with things today.

You can also phone the police (on 101) and ask for their DV Unit. Tell them about his treatment of your pet - it's a massive red flag - and should trigger further questioning from them. You need your address and phone number(s) flagged by them, just in case Mr Nasty kicks off.

Hold your chin up. You are giving your children a great example of strength and fortitude, standing up to bullies. Be proud.

He is promising the world right now. Told me he will back off and that he just wanted to look after me, care for me, love me. How people have always let me down (parents etc) and he said he never will. He said people can change.

He has ignored my several pleads by texts as to why he has hurt our cat and terrified it. He literally ignores every text I sent about that. Why?

I keep having massive wobbles that I am doing the right thing.

I need someone to hold my hand and you lot have been doing that by the bucket load and I cannot thank you enough.

I have got the kids off to school and I am applying for job after job, I can't sit in this house receiving text after text from him when I feel weak and low.

My cat hasn't left my side! Will change my username soon when I feel a bit of hope at the end of this tunnel.

Because he knows that him hurting the cat matters, and because he has no explanation for what he did - how could he? So he just wants to change the subject.

NotQuiteCockney I know but I just can't get my head round why someone would do that. But its giving me the strength to do the right thing.

No, me neither - the idea of someone intentionally hurting an animal is deeply disturbing.

Why? Because it is taking a bit of you away from him. Your attention to the cat, however insignificant, takes something away from him.

That is just how petty, controlling and jealous he is.

How are your children with friends? Are they able to visit friends, and have friends over? How does your H deal with that?

Reread the red flags page you found.

Notice that despite asking for some space he will not give it to you as he keeps on bombarding you texts and false promises, whilst not answering the questions you ask.

Turn your phone off for a while to give yourself a break.

He is not listening to you even now.

you don't need his permission to end the relationship - you can decide what you want

OP, this is not a pleasant thing to say but reading about your poor cat has brought to mind the fact that studies have shown that one of the best indicators of a violent psychopath is a history of cruelty to animals. Things often progress from there, just as emotional abuse often leads to physical abuse.

And don't forget, he is showing unkind tendencies towards your eldest already.

Really, you don't need his permission for this. It has to be your decision. It won't be your decision if he doesn't give you the space to make it.

I can't read all the details, too many echoes for me.

I was set up by the kind of childhood your eldest is having to have the life YOU are having.

Please don't minimise the abuse you have (all) suffered. There will come a day when you realise that, actually, if he had have 'raised his hand to you, the damage inflicted would be less.

You need to get him out of your lives, you'll need help, support, counselling and lots of time to undo the damage this man has done, but you will get there. It's a long road, but you've started the journey by opening your eyes.

We'll be here for you for as long as you need us to be. Some of us have been here years already, and will be for years to come. Let us help you find freedom and happiness?

OP I think you have to forgive yourself because you met him when you were very young and vulnerable. This is why you are in 'disbelief' that you've found yourself in this situation. What he loves about you is precisely, your vulnerability - it means he gets what he wants, power and control and a feeling of being big.

It is likely that at the moment he still thinks you will 'give in' and go back to him which is why he's continuing to pretend to be remorseful. I didn't get the bit where he hurt your cat but that's a very bad sign I'm afraid and you ought to call the police and get your locks changed and make sure you are safe. As soon as he realises that you mean it, things could get very bad indeed.

Take care.