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Relationships

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Original poster

Do your partners feel threatened by success?

28 replies

superstarheartbreaker · 06/04/2014 23:53

In the past I've had guys who don't seem to like it if I do well such as gained qualifications, got into uni etc. I know this is wrong and it has held me back. How do I avoid such losers in the future? It's control isn't it?

OP posts:

Custardo · 06/04/2014 23:55

i am the major breadwinner - in the end it all goes on the kids and house and all that bollocks so it doesn't matter to either of us. i would like dh to earn more as i am frustrated at his lack of ambition.

I don't think its control for your situation, i think its the projecting of their own insecurity and inadequacy - tell them to fuck off, earn more or get qualified

Twinklestein · 07/04/2014 00:03

No my husband's really proud of my success. And I guess it takes pressure off him.

I don't know any men in real life who are threatened by successful women, but then they're all educated and intelligent. The net, however, is riddled with men who simply can't cope with such women, moaning on and on that women are the cause of all their problems. The good news is you can avoid every single last fucking one of them.

Concentrate on good, decent, sensible, educated men, and filter out all the losers.

Bogeyface · 07/04/2014 00:08

Not threatened no, but at the moment, hurt and sad.

He was made redundant and is now in a warehouse job (highly qualified but pushing 50, rarely gets an acknowledgement for jobs in his field, it is a young mans game). I was also made redundant and am doing better with jobs than him, will be starting a new job on good money with good prospects.

HE doesnt resent it at all, is incredibly supportive and enouraging but it does make him feel like a failure :(

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 07/04/2014 09:18

My ex did absolutely everything he possibly could to sabotage any interview, college course or job that he possible could. And succeeded. In the end I divorced him but it took me 20 years to work out what he was doing.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/04/2014 09:23

It's impossible to avoid losers. They're everywhere and, unfortunately, don't go around wearing t-shirts saying 'I'm an insecure knob'. :) All you can do is keep your radar tuned for any hint of resentment or entitlement. Not necessarily towards you but about others initially. If they have a problem with others doing well or if they think they deserve special treatment simply for being themselves, they'll have a problem with your success eventually.

FWIW Every since sending back a corked bottle of wine on our first date, my current boyfriend thinks I am some kind of ballsy Wonder Woman that can do anything. He's a keeper ...

callamia · 07/04/2014 09:36

I've been very well supported. My husband saw me through my PhD write-up, a post-doc abroad and continues to be a great partner. It's now my turn to support him through his postgraduate studies, and I'm hoping that I can do as much for him as he did for me.

My ex, however, was clearly threatened by me doing well. He's still a jealous and boastful little man. I'm much, much happier without him.

Apatite1 · 07/04/2014 09:59

No way would I ever stay a second with anyone who resented my success. Thankfully, my husband is hugely supportive, as I am of him. If I achieve anything he jokes "I've always wanted to be one half of a power couple..."

t3rr3gl35 · 07/04/2014 13:32

XH did everything he could do belittle my successes and latterly admitted that he tried hard to put obstacles in my way because he was jealous.

DH is completely different. Secure in his own abilities, my income simply doesn't matter to him and he actively encourages me to take on bigger and more exciting projects.

lookbutdonttouch · 07/04/2014 17:40

My ex did. Very subtly, he is now very much an ex.

Burren · 07/04/2014 20:55

Like another poster, I wouldn't give the time of day to someone who had a problem with my successes. DH and I were in the same academic field for some years, and I consistently outperformed him, and he was unwavering in his support and help, even when we were competing for doctoral scholarships, fellowships etc - now he has changed fields and earns three times what I do, but remains supportive of my endeavours and delighted with my successes.

JupiterGentlefly · 07/04/2014 21:15

The more successful I become the more my partner likes me. That does sound a bit weird actually. . Its my 'drive' he likes more than the end result iyswim

17leftfeet · 07/04/2014 21:36

My ex used to sabotage me meaning I quit university, turned down promotions and an opportunity to go back to uni

But I never noticed!

He would appear very encouraging but something would crop up, he would be ill, he needed to be somewhere for work (he was the higher earner so his job took precedence)

It was only when I was talking to my dad one day about him being ill that my dad said to me 'I don't like to get involved in your relationship but have you noticed everytime something goes right for you, there is a problem!'

Looking with a fresh pair of eyes it was so obvious and after we split he actually admitted it

louby44 · 07/04/2014 21:59

My exP resented my job to an extent. I'm a teacher and as the long six week break would approach he would get really shitty with me and last year on the last day of term he was really 'off' with me.

I realised he resented my time off and ability to do what I wanted, lie in
etc.

On the other hand he enjoyed the lifestyle that my salary provided! Very money orientated!

aurynne · 08/04/2014 09:16

My previous boyfriend was extremely insecure and felt threatened by anything I did... he was jealous that I made more friends than he did, that I got better qualifications, that I could play piano, that I was happy and enjoyed life... He completely missed the point that the only reason he was not doing all these things himself was because he was a miserable, lazy, resentful, pathetic man.

My DH loves my joy de vivre, my determination in getting what I want but still act with integrity above all, every one of my achievements is for him like achieving something himself. This is one of the reasons I respect him and love him as much as I do.

BertieBotts · 08/04/2014 09:19

It's definitely a control issue.

If you find yourself attracting this kind of man more often than not it might be worth doing some work on your own self esteem? There are books which help (Women who love too much, codependent no more, the baggage reclaim books) - not that you are necessarily codependent, but it sounds like there might be some cross over. Or you could do a course like The Freedom Programme which is designed to help you recognise healthy relationships.

My ex was very similar to 17leftfeet's ex - subtle but noticeable looking back. Infuriating because at the time you can't be annoyed at them for being ill or whatever, but now I am with DH who is very supportive he would support me even if he was ill, not use it as an excuse.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/04/2014 09:28

I don't see how attracting resentful types is a self-esteem issue. Keeping hold of one once you've realised what's going on might be indicative of low self-esteem, but not attracting them in the first place.

BertieBotts · 08/04/2014 09:31

Maybe self esteem was the wrong word. But I think if you're very open and proud of your own achievements then you're less likely to accept someone sabotaging them all the time. I didn't read the OP that she's ditching them at the first instance of them doing it, because she says it's held her back.

I agree that there's no magic buffer you can do to stop attracting these types but if you can recognise them as soon as possible, it's easier to avoid them.

Ilovexmastime · 08/04/2014 09:36

I am more successful than my DH and he's not at all threatened by it, in fact he encourages me in my work a lot. When we first got together he said that he was attracted to my intelligence, and was a bit insecure as to why I liked him seeing as he had no qualifications!
Just make sure that your next boyfriend wants what's best for you in all areas of life. If you start to pick up that they are unhappy in any way about anything that is obviously a good thing (such as gaining more qualifications) then I would LTB :)

AfricanExport · 08/04/2014 09:38

I would have no time for a man who had an issue with me succeeding. but then again I dont like 'mindless little men' . Success, his or mine, is ours. We are a partnership, and more importantly, a family. We are in it together

... and he reckons that it means, that one day, he can be a SAHD.

ninilegsintheair · 08/04/2014 09:49

It is definitely a control thing. I met my husband when we were at university where we supported each other through our BAs (although looking back now he made a lot of subtle digs to put me off doing an MA. Only noticed this in hindsight).

Fast forward a few years and now I'm doing another degree (work-related) he's thrown every possible hurdle in my path. Result has been I'm three years in with multiple failures in exams and still miles off finishing (expiry time is another 2 years). Late work meetings, illness, point blank refusal to drop DD at nursery so I can get to classes on time, you name it he's done it. We've had major building work at home conveniently booked for the week before my exam (twice). And the endless, endless whinging about 'not spending time with him' in evenings in the run up to exams. A lot of subtle (and not so subtle) that are hard to pin on him.

At the same time he's done a similar degree in his own field and passed first time because I do most of the childcare and he can stay late at work to study. This means my inability to pass is my own stupidity.

Irony is that this qualification would mean a promotion meaning more money for the family.

Anyway, I've known several men who don't want their partner to be more successful than them, and others who are proud of their partner. Like many things that are abusive (and it is a form of emotional abuse) it can be very hard to actually pin down. Look for the red flags.

aurynne · 09/04/2014 23:43

ninilegsintheair, why are you still with this jerk?

2rebecca · 09/04/2014 23:51

I'm the main earner and my bloke wishes I'd work more and let him give up but I don't want him to turn into an idle tosser.
You just need to be fussier about your men and generally I've gone for men with a similar education/ earning potential as me, and avoided those who are after servants/ housewives.

ninilegsintheair · 11/04/2014 10:08

Trying to get out, aurynne. Plans are afoot.

HillyHolbrook · 11/04/2014 10:47

My DP is lovely and supports me, he even paid for my driving lessons and car insurance so I could get the better job and I now earn considerably more than him. We are very lucky though, and now we are TTC, he's getting his dream job which happens to pay well, so we can get a bigger house and live the same lifestyle if I stop working and become a SAHM like I wanted.

I know that's not always the case for everyone, and it baffles me when the wife/girlfriend could be earning more for the family to have more luxuries, or even any luxuries, and their 'D' H or partner doesn't want them to.

His dad is offended on his behalf though, he hates me working and having what is classed as a glamourous job, and can't wait for me to be a SAHM so he can brag about his son being this big shot with a little wifey at home He stopped his own wife doing more with her lifeby making it impossible, she's been stuck in a job she hates for 30 years now, and it's also been near impossible for her to leave him because she couldn't even afford a flat on her wage, the house and cars are in his name etc. I find it abusive if your partner would rather hold you back, it just shows they think of you as beneath them.

DavidFlattenborough · 11/04/2014 16:54

So glad you started this thread SuperStarHeartBreaker.

My P is a bit like yours ninilegsintheair. My field is very competitive and I've worked really bloody hard over the last 6-7 years to build up my reputation and business. And I've had some really good achievements, and other people in my field really respect me for it. But not my P. He's always subtly trying to sabotage, minimising my achievements or being critical about the things I've done, or in some cases ignoring them altogether.

He says he wants me to do well but hasn't offered support in any meaningful way, any support I get has to be from friends & family. It's very draining. I don't think it helps that when we met I was unemployed and a bit depressed, where he was working a lot and earning a ton of money. Now the balance has shifted a lot and I don't really think he likes it. He certainly doesn't really show very much pride in my achievements.

Like you, nini, I'm trying to get to the point where I can leave him. I'd rather be on my own than with somebody who treats me with such disrespect.

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