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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner wanking in bed next to me

90 replies

Usedtoloveme · 05/04/2014 23:08

I know he uses porn a lot and our sex life has gone downhill. We probably only have sex a couple of times a month now.

Yesterday morning I was awake in bed and heard him start wanking. The noises and breathing confirmed this. I lay there for a minute shocked and then asked him what the hell he was doing. He quickly stopped and said he wasn't doing anything. I got mad at him and he got up and went to work.

He now denies that he was doing anything at all and says I woke him up. I'm not stupid. I know what was happening. He won't discuss it and thinks I should just forget it but I can't. He says he rarely watches porn but his phone is always set to private browsing as he knows I can check his history. What should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Usedtoloveme · 06/04/2014 14:28

Thank you all for your replies. I must admit that I asked mumsnet to delete this thread as from the earlier responses I thought I was obviously being strange. Latter ones have made me feel more 'normal' and I will talk to him about our relationship.

OP posts:
jungletoes · 06/04/2014 14:37

You are normal, I wouldn't like this either. For me it's about manners too. A bit like catching DH in the kitchen eating secret chocolate that he'd bought for himself and decided he wasn't sharing!

Original poster
Usedtoloveme · 06/04/2014 14:47

Jungletoes!! Now that's going too far! Smile

OP posts:
OneMoreChap · 06/04/2014 15:17

It depends on the couple.

In my last relationship, sex was a tip or shaming; I remember being told to go to the toilet and have a wank...

Sometimes I masturbate privately. Sometimes now I will masturbate next to my wife; sometimes she will with me; sometimes she does next to me when I don't. I don't know if she does when I'm sleeping; I sometimes have when she is.

She's not uptight it, doesn't see it as demanding sex, and knows it is not a reflection on our sex life.

People differ.

Missesbumble · 06/04/2014 15:18

OP I'm glad you said 'normal' in inverted commas because what is normal? This is about you and what you do or don't find acceptable, what you do or don't like, nobody else. My h did or maybe still does it in private but not private enough at first that I wasn't well aware of what was going on. Our sex life was almost nil & void and I later discovered porn/naked women searches on his browser history. I felt really low and really began to dislike myself. I thought I must be so ugly and unattractive.

You do need to talk to your dp, I spoke to h about it, I don't think I got all the answers or maybe the answers I expected but if you don't talk what else can you do? Ignoring it won't make it go away Thanks

Missesbumble · 06/04/2014 15:19

*was well aware

Sparrowlegs248 · 06/04/2014 15:38

This would seriously piss me off. Sex and masturbation are connected when your sex life is dwindling yet your husband wanks in bed next to you. I would fully expect my husband to initiate sex with me.

It doesn't bother me that DH masturbates, I do too, but either together or alone, not just cracking one off while I am asleep!

I'd be pissed off that he thought it was fine to have a wank while his willing wife was next to him (talking about myself here....)

NurseyWursey · 06/04/2014 15:48

Why is anyone that is open sexually in their relationship slammed down with the 'super cool' or 'cool wives' name calling?

Masturbation and sex are completely different. One is about making a connection with your partner both physically and mentally, pleasuring them. Knocking one off to yourself is just a quickie when you fancy a quick orgasm... or you're bored.

I would fully expect my husband to initiate sex with me
Why? What if he didn't want sex? It's his penis and he can do with it what he likes. What's wrong with him giving himself an orgasm?

EBearhug · 06/04/2014 15:52

There's nothing wrong with giving himself an orgasm, but if he doesn't want sex, it's not unreasonable to expect him to go off somewhere private to do so.

CarryOnDancing · 06/04/2014 15:54

There are some twisted views on her about the concept of "repressed" and "uptight". I'd suggest that being repressed is feeling like a sexual underclass to men. Some of you shouldn't be fooled into thinking you are "modern" women because you aren't a "prude".

Those who want to hitch up their skirts and giggle like school girls when ever their man walks by are welcome to. However what shows the most sexual liberation is to be able to say no to sex and know that you have enough personality for even the most "red blooded" male to stick around.

I too take pride in my appearance but I also take pride in spreading my legs at my own whim-not someone else's.

You know, some men are turned on by intelligence and strength of character as much as pretty little panties?!

OP, what you found at the beginning of your post was a MN "cool bandwagon". Fear not, the bandwagon always slips into a ditch at some point and the women are left stand next to the road peeping out coy glances from behind a lovely embroidered hanky, in the hope a passing man will want to take them home.
The lucky ones get thrown over the shoulder of a passing hunk and are awarded a pat on the bum.

Whilst in other news, the rest of us are at home without any friends rummaging through pockets and emails in the hope we haven't "driven" our men to cheat through lack of sex Confused

NurseyWursey · 06/04/2014 15:54

I still don't understand what is so wrong about him doing it at the side of her whilst she was asleep. Confused It's their marital bed, I'm presuming she's given him wanks there before.. I'm presuming they've had sex in it.. so really what is the big deal? Really what is so disrespectful about giving yourself an orgasm whilst your lover, your partner, the one person you're supposed to be open with... is in the room?

People pee, poop, fart, burp, eat, give birth in front of each other.. but god forbid someone masturbates - which is just as normal and natural as any of those!

Logg1e · 06/04/2014 15:55

Wursey Why is anyone that is open sexually in their relationship slammed down with the 'super cool' or 'cool wives' name calling?

They're not. It's the ones who talk about how their partner's sexual preferences always come before their own, and that's ok because they're so cool with it and everyone else should feel the same.

NurseyWursey · 06/04/2014 15:58

CarryOnDancing i find your post incredibly rude and offensive.

It's actually pretty disgusting and sexist that you round all women up who are open and nonplussed about sex, as these skirt hitchers who are made to please men. I suppose your username gives a lot away, I'm sure you imagine us all to be Barbara Windsor Carry On types eh?

The 1950's is calling you, 2014 is telling you it's quite a shame you condemn the women who DARE to be open and unashamed.

Missesbumble · 06/04/2014 16:11

I personally don't think this has anything to do with being open and unashamed. OP has explained her dp uses porn a lot, sex is almost non existent, she's a willing partner but dp is showing her no affection and very little interest but rather than wake her he chooses to wank beside her in bed whilst he assumes she's sleeping which is downright disrespectful to her.

Sparrowlegs248 · 06/04/2014 16:15

I would fully expect my husband to initiate sex, if i was laying in bed next to him, and he fancied a 'sexual act'. Bearing in mind that neither of us in ...13 years have ever turned the other down. I wouldn't be pleased at him decided to have his jollies on his own next to me, and neither was OP.

As a PP said, him having a wank is a sexual act and if OP doesn't like it hapoening next to her, thats her perogative.

CarryOnDancing · 06/04/2014 16:17

NurseyWursey, I'd suggest by your name you could star right next to me? Grin

I'm not suggesting all women who enjoy sex are skirt hitchers. I enjoy sex and indeed hitching my skirt if the occasion calls for it...when I want it-not when I'm told I'm having it or feel I have to it have an obligation. You are actually reading my post with the complete opposite view of how I intended. Maybe that's my fault so I'll clarify...

I'm suggesting that the attitude of "shut up and put up" and "make yourself look pretty and keep your man" to be the exact opposite of a modern approach to sex.
It is far more "2014" to feel comfortable about speaking out to your partner about what you don't like sexually. This was directed at those ON THIS THREAD (not all womankindConfused) who were saying lines such as those above. Surely those lines are more 50's than anything I've said?
Maybe you are intentionally twisting it as you read it? I find your view as equally offensive. Thank goodness is 2014 and that's allowed.

I would highlight though that being offended isn't actually a thing with any weight! It's as relevant to an argument as you being hungry.

mansize · 06/04/2014 16:50

Maybe we should all be "open and nonplussed about sex" all of the time. And why keep it in the bedroom, next to the partner who feels uncomfortable? Why not walk down the street masturbating. Anybody uptight enough to object, well, they are just not sexually open enough. I'm going to force MY sexuality onto everybody, like it or not. After all, this isn't the 1950s you know.

Hmm
NurseyWursey · 06/04/2014 16:54

I see your point now CarryOnDancing, apologies I thought about your post in terms of what I myself had posted - not what other people had.

Mansize that's just being pedantic. I just question why in this day and age, partners who engage in sexual activity, see each other doing other bodily functions, are so against seeing/hearing their partner self satisfy.

mansize · 06/04/2014 17:00

I just question why in this day and age, partners who engage in sexual activity, see each other doing other bodily functions, are so against seeing/hearing their partner self satisfy.

Erm, because not everybody is sexually open and nonplussed thinks like you?

I'm more than happy to watch somebody doing their "bodily functions" during sex. Doesn't mean I'm also happy to watch them having a shit.

But then I suppose that makes me sexually repressed in your world.

Original poster
Usedtoloveme · 06/04/2014 17:13

To clarify, I am not against masturbation. Either together or him doing it on his own in front of me IF we are both involved. However, if he wants to satisfy himself without me, I do not want him lying next to me so that I feel completely excluded. He has plenty of time to himself if he needs to do that.

Anyway, we have been out for a walk and talked about where our relationship is headed. We've agreed that we love each other and that we have things to fix. We're going to make more time for us. Not just sex but being together. We need to get back to being a close couple. We have a lot of stress through work and family and I think 'we' got lost along the way.

OP posts:
CarryOnDancing · 06/04/2014 17:19

I'm so pleased you've cleared the air and opened a dialogue about it. It seems like the perfect time to make sure you are both on the same page and understand each other's boundaries.

The best of luck OP.

See you on set Nursey, don't forget the tassels Wink

NurseyWursey · 06/04/2014 17:24

used Brilliant OP, glad you've had a talk and things are looking good. It happens to most of us doesn't it. Sometimes just need a good air clearing.

CarryOn Tassels, pom poms the lot... Wink

Original poster
Usedtoloveme · 06/04/2014 17:42

Thanks for the advice and even a smile or two along the way. Nursery and CarryOn - surely I'm entitled to some of the royalties from your next production? Wink

I feel better, I don't agree with what he did but it wasn't the end of the world either. There are boundaries and he crossed one. It might not be a boundary for someone else but it was for me. Rather than sulking we've talked which is a big step forward. Hopefully we can keep the communication going and appreciate what we have together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Usedtoloveme · 06/04/2014 17:43

Oops Nursey not Nursery.

OP posts:
MostWicked · 06/04/2014 19:59

Masturbation is NOT always about sex.
Sometimes it's a bit like scratching an itch.
Sometimes I do it when I can't sleep.
Sex would not always be welcome when masturbation hits the mark!

The lack of sex in your relationship is clearly where the problem is, and it's good to hear that you have started communicating about this a bit more. Getting closer as a couple will do wonders for your sex life. Have fun :)