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Original poster

Partner wanking in bed next to me

90 replies

Usedtoloveme · 05/04/2014 23:08

I know he uses porn a lot and our sex life has gone downhill. We probably only have sex a couple of times a month now.

Yesterday morning I was awake in bed and heard him start wanking. The noises and breathing confirmed this. I lay there for a minute shocked and then asked him what the hell he was doing. He quickly stopped and said he wasn't doing anything. I got mad at him and he got up and went to work.

He now denies that he was doing anything at all and says I woke him up. I'm not stupid. I know what was happening. He won't discuss it and thinks I should just forget it but I can't. He says he rarely watches porn but his phone is always set to private browsing as he knows I can check his history. What should I do?

OP posts:
BOFtastic · 06/04/2014 01:32

WHAAAAAT? It's acceptable now for your partner to avoid sex with you but wake you up by masturbating in the same bed? Confused

OP, I think it's worth a talk -non-judgemental if you can manage it- but I don't think it would be out of order to explain that you feel hurt and disrespected.

stonehairbrush · 06/04/2014 02:14

I love the faux outrage! Haha Grin

Anonymai · 06/04/2014 02:38

I don't know why everyone's telling OP how they feel about their husbands wanking next to them when it has no relevance. If it makes her uncomfortable, it makes her uncomfortable. You might like someone shitting in your mouth but it doesn't mean everyone else has to or that they are a prude for not liking it.

Logg1e · 06/04/2014 06:51

Having someone masturbate in your bed is a sexual act, and it's ok for the OP to not like that sexual act, no matter how many of you would be fine with it.

It sounds as if his porn use, your lack of sex and his refusal to talk about it are far bigger problems.

ForalltheSaints · 06/04/2014 08:54

Some activities are solo ones to be done in privacy and not where others are present. The OP is right to be offended.

Missesbumble · 06/04/2014 09:06

OP, I'm in the 'I'd be proper pissed off' camp too. I do t think it's acceptable to wank next to your partner in bed, there's been other similar threads on here about this too. Wanking in private or together is not a problem. But when you're already feeling miserable about the lack of sex/affection this just adds to the whole sorry state.

And just for the record if you're a prude then so am I and I wouldn't want to act all grateful for him doing it beside me while I'm sleeping so I could awake and join him either Hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/04/2014 09:31

You're not a prude. Nothing wrong with masturbation per se but - like other mildly enjoyable personal habits like nose-picking and farting - there's a time and a place! Good manners.

OneHandFlapping · 06/04/2014 09:41

I think there is a massive difference between

a. wanking next to a partner with whom you have a fulfilling and enjoyable sex life, and who you might expect to happily join in if they notice

and

b. wanking as a statement of defiance next to a partner who you know would like more sex

Freyalright · 06/04/2014 10:04

This is weird. Are people actually that locked down sexually? Don't touch your pee pee god will vomit in your face.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/04/2014 10:14

'Locked down sexually'? Hmm It's not repressed behaviour to expect some basic manners.

Placeinthesun · 06/04/2014 10:24

I think that it's the combination of the porn use and the impact that appears to be having on OP's sex life.. . Having him wank in bed when willing partner is next to him must be upsetting and leave op wondering why he's not interested in initiating sex with her.

I would suggest speaking to him about the porn.

EdithWeston · 06/04/2014 10:45

OP: I think you need to separate out the problems in your relationship and this incident where he displayed what you find as dreadful manners in bed (for it doesn't matter how many are OK with it, you are not as (if Ii read you earlier post right) your arrangement is for sharing).

So for the specific incident, be brisk - tell him that solo activites are to be shared or done in private, not right next to you. Don't ask "what are you doing?" when it's obvious, because, as you found out, that gives him wriggle room.

MadeMan · 06/04/2014 11:44

Maybe he was Sleep Wanking and had no idea what he was doing.

Fifyfomum · 06/04/2014 11:46

Twice a month sounds like a dream, my husband was away for 3 weeks and got back 3 weeks ago and we've not had sex. Not sure we ever will again. don't worry about it, its just wanking.

flux500 · 06/04/2014 11:48

This would not be ok with me either and you don't have to be ok with it. My partner would just roll to me and make his presence felt and well you can guess the rest.

I think you should be calm and hold his hand and say you are not ok with this, but you really want him to be satisfied, and that you would prefer to feel his hard cock inside you. Ok maybe that's a bit much - it's what I would do but appreciate that's quite a direct approach!

Maybe he feels unwanted and is actually doing that infront if you as a way of getting it accross.

I do think masturbating and sex are different. When I get myself off I kind is do it and get on with the day, I don't snuggle into my partners chest and listen to his heartbeat. If anything after I've done the deed I wish id have just waited til my partner gets home!

There's always another option, while he's semi awake why not have a play with yourself and see how he handles it - what he does.

Either way, I good idea is looking extra fabulous one evening and smelling great and painted toe nails etc and show him what he's missing!

CarryOnDancing · 06/04/2014 11:56

You don't have to be ok with something just because there are some "super cool" people on here who don't connect sex with mutual respect.

I personally would find it disrespectful as I'd see myself as an unwilling participant in the act. I'd assume he was getting kicks out of doing if in secret (or not so secret maybe?).

I don't mean this in a "thought police" kind of way but it would interest me as to what he was thinking about at the time? What part of the situation was arousing him?

DH is welcome to wank whenever he likes, as is his right but I appreciate the choice to not be part of it. I wouldn't want him next to me getting kicks about secretly fantasising about someone else and I also wouldn't want the fact I was asleep or awake and unaware to be part of the turn on- if that makes sense?!

Those are the questions I'd be asking.
I'm not exactly sure the title of "prude" is offensive so I wouldn't worry yourself about that. Not everyone is happy to be a willing supplier of any and all sexual pleasure demanded by their OH, that is your right! It should be mutual appreciation and enjoyment.

EBearhug · 06/04/2014 11:57

I think his reaction is part of the problem. If he'd turned round and said, "I'm sorry, I didn’t want to wake you," and then cuddled up, the OP would be feeling quite different from how she is because he behaved as if he was doing something wrong and won't acknowledge anything happened.

I think you need to talk about it - all of it. I also know this is far easier said than done.

CarryOnDancing · 06/04/2014 11:58

Oh and I find the suggestions of just smiling and joining in really disgusting and inappropriate.

The OP is highlighting she has an issue with the act and some of you think it's good advise to say "shut up and put up"-seriously what the hell?!!

Missesbumble · 06/04/2014 12:05

I'm in agreement with carryondancing and has for making yourself all pretty like and painting your nails ... What era are we living in?

flux500 · 06/04/2014 12:15

Missesbumble I live in the era of making an effort with my appearance. It's amazing the effect it can have on the men folk you know Wink

Just my opinion :)

ThisFenceIsComfy · 06/04/2014 12:18

I agree too. Seems we should be "on" and service every our partners every single time they feel horny. Otherwise we will be considered prudish or repressed.

I find the "Lend him a hand" or "Put a smile on your face" attitudes a bit weird. "Don't you realise the man feels like sex NOW, so shut up and think of England", that makes me feel dirty.

Missesbumble · 06/04/2014 12:18

I don't disagree flux, it's just a two way street IMHO and op's h doesn't appear to be making much effort in their relationship.

flux500 · 06/04/2014 12:38

Missesbumble well no he doesn't you're right

But someone's going to have to start the process of getting things back on track and if the guys contribution is having a wank, it's not going to be him. Mind you maybe things are past painting toe nails etc. perhaps it was a silly thing to say based only on my personal experience - my partner has a foot fetish so the toe nail thing is especially high on his list lol!

Fairenuff · 06/04/2014 12:52

"Mmm I see your feeling a little frisky there young man...can I join in?"

"Oh my god what do you think you are doing you pervert stop that at once"

Which approach do you prefer?

Or just be truthful with him OP and say "No problem with you wanking but please do it in private. And whilst we're on the subject of sex, we need to have talk about what's going on with our sex life at the moment and how we can both be more satisfied".

Back2Two · 06/04/2014 12:55

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