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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just seen XP with new partner on Facebook

20 replies

EllieWinpole · 05/04/2014 22:26

XP dumped me, out of the blue, after a longish relationship at a time when i had lots of difficult family issues going on. That was 18 months ago and his timing was really shit.

But I've picked myself up and got on with life and things are now good.

But for some obscure reason I decided to check up on him on Facebook, which I don't generally use I know, I know

And I discover a photo of him with a woman I presume to be his new partner. What has taken me aback is that he looked so happy and young in the photo; all sparkly eyed. Had lost weight and looked better than he ever did when he was with me Not sure why that matters.

Don't know why I'm posting on here - just wanted to tell someone, I think.

Also it seems new woman lives not that far from me, so presume he's local too - had presumed he'd moved away. Now thinking I might bump into them some time. But why would that matter? I defintiely don't want him back and though he ended the relationship badly I don't bear him any malice.

Not distraught at him having found someone else - kinda wish him well. Just strange to see him looking so very happy and with someone else.

OP posts:

MuttonCadet · 05/04/2014 22:28

Block him from facebook so you don't get the urge to look him up again.

Allofaflumble · 05/04/2014 22:30

It may seem illogical but I can assure you I would feel exactly the same.

I have had a few relationships in my time and have always felt upset to hear they have moved on. Crazy but true!!

EverythingCounts · 05/04/2014 22:31

Everyone looks better at the start of a new relationship. Doesn't mean anything.

Allofaflumble · 05/04/2014 22:34

Maybe you do feel a teensy bit of malice deep down, but we are all supposed to be so darned cool and logical about these things! ;)

I ended a relationship not too long ago and I just could not stay in touch with my partner (who I had good reason to finish with) as I know I will be upset if he meets someone, anyone and goes on to be happy with them. It makes no sense as you say, but there it is.....it will pass though, that is the good thing. :)

Original poster

EllieWinpole · 05/04/2014 22:35

Yes, I know its crazy and illogical

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Original poster

EllieWinpole · 05/04/2014 22:38

All you're probably right about me underplaying the malice - he is a nice guy but he behaved like a tosser unkindly towards me when he ended things.

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SirChenjin · 05/04/2014 22:40

I think it's normal to wonder what they are up to, and feel a pang of something when you come across them in their 'new' life.

For some strange reason I recently looked up an ex of 25 years ago - I have no feelings for him whatsoever other than a mild fondness and nostalgia, but he popped into my head (as DC1 is thinking of doing the same uni course that the ex did) and I googled him . Turns out he's managed to a very rich, very gorgeous Spanish woman and they have a daughter - and my stomach flipped for a teeny, tiny second.

Original poster

EllieWinpole · 05/04/2014 22:44

I'm being so reassured, by all your posts, that I haven't suddenly become a raving mad stalker to a man I want nothing to do with and only miss when I have a curtain pole to put up.

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GEM33 · 05/04/2014 22:49

My partner of 7 years and dad to our 2 yr old dumped me out the blue 3 months ago and a month later I saw pic of him out with his new girlfriend. That really hurt. I keep torturing myself looking at their pic. He is all over her and all smiles. I'm left holdin the baby and bills. I don't think there's anything wrong in what you've done op or how u feel x

Allofaflumble · 05/04/2014 22:50

You are perfectly sane Ellie. Either that or we are both crazy!! Either way hope you sleep well tonight with a smile on your face that you are a free woman. ;)

Broen · 05/04/2014 22:55

18 months is NOTHING.

i left my x because he was financially and emotionally abusive to me, but when the children told me recently (and this is about 6 years on) that they had gone bowling with him and his gf, I felt cross that it was easy for him to go and meet somebody new. cross that he was a 'catch', a man with a good job car house etc.... and me scraping two farthings together up to my oxters in barns! So, I wasn't even jealous, it was 6 years later and I still was a bit put out.

So, 18 months is just nothing, not in that moment that you're confronted with the fact. 3 days later you've absorbed it and processed it, but in that moment ............ it's a shock.

Original poster

EllieWinpole · 05/04/2014 23:17

GEM so sorry to hear what you're going through - puts my blip into perspective.

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Original poster

EllieWinpole · 05/04/2014 23:20

Broen You're right, it was a shock, and I wasn't prepared for it. It really doesn't matter at all, but it was a shock to see him in his new life with his new woman who's welcome to him

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Broen · 05/04/2014 23:24

Yes, my x's new gf is welcome to him as well! it's him I'm a sort of jealous of, not her.

Ludways · 05/04/2014 23:25

I do an occasional stalk on fb of my exes, I'm friends with most if them anyway. I always thin, how fare he lol happy, he's supposed to be at home pining for his lost love!! Then I look at dh and forget them in an instant.

Ludways · 05/04/2014 23:28

Bloody hell, what happened with all those typos, can't possibly be all the wine I've drank!

I always think, how dare he be happy...

Original poster

EllieWinpole · 07/04/2014 07:48

I'm still feeling rather peeved about this. Like a veil of sadness hanging over me in melodramtic mood

Logically I know this is ridiculous. But when I glanced at his Facebook photos, before I found the one with him and his new lady, there were other ones that featured our life together and I recalled his touch which hasn't happened before.

My response to seeing the pics of XP and his new lady have emphasized to me how vital it is to keep NC. This has set me back, but only momentarily, I'm thinking. I know its just a blip, and in the rich tapestry of life means nothing at all.

I suppose its also emphasised that he has found someone new, and has an exciting loved-up new life, and I haven't. I was being happily single, before I saw the pics, and want to be that again.

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AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 07/04/2014 09:11

A couple people that are "friends" of STBXH have contacted me to tell me of a few questionable posts he put on FB. I've told them thanks, but I'm not interested in his nonsense. He has this weird idea that I'm jealous of him and his new relationship. I'm annoyed over his crass and tasteless behaviour regarding her, but considering it's him, I'm not horribly surprised either. I was initially saddened by all the bile he spouted about me (comments that were utterly untrue, which I suspect is why the "friends" contacted me), but he seems to have a real need to make me look the bad guy in our breakup (I kicked him out due to physical and verbal abuse against both myself and the DCs - didn't find out until after we split that he'd been cheating with his new "fiancé" as well).

And he looks like hell, tbh. So he can wax loving about her and bitch about me all he likes. I'm not fussed. As long as I don't have to live with him and put up with his abusive aggressive behaviour, I'm quite happy. She can have him. With bells on.

And yes, I find NC easier for a number of reasons. There's always that little niggling annoyance that he can be a complete and utter shit to us, and then turn around and be all sweet and loving to someone else. Just be happy and try to put him out of your head.

Original poster

EllieWinpole · 07/04/2014 10:51

Thanks, Alice. Sounds as though you're well rid.

Onwards and upwards for us both

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AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 07/04/2014 11:11

Yup.

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