The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Springing Into Spring Like Super Spingy Springs On A Springy Day!

[Mouseface]

Hello everyone, I'm Mouse :)

Welcome to the Bus, Gerald. Of course it's an imaginary Bus, and we're all aware of that, but we've been on this Bus for a bloomin' long time now so this place kinda feels like home.

See, the thing is, we're a mix of drinkers, non drinkers, total abstainers, and also posters that are or have been, somewhere in between, around the block and back again!

There are no hard and fast rules here, just No judging, No bitching about others and most certainly No expectations of YOURSELF.

No-one can say what will or will not happen whilst you're posting here. You just have to take the ride, One Day At A Time.

There are two sayings that we have painted down either side of the Bus :-

1. • The Vulnerable Need Our Support, Not Our Judgement
2. • Alcohol Fosters Inertia

You've started to read this thread for a reason, and you'll either carry on and maybe Name Change (or not) and post, walk away, or realise that this is all about YOU, cry for a bit, and then come and take a seat :)

For those who would like a bit of our almost 4 year history, have a read of THIS TRULY INSPIRING THREAD

- AND THIS IS OUR PREVIOUS THREAD TO THIS ONE

We're not a quiche or a clicky group, four years is a long time and longer when you're pissed for some of it, so whilst the threads may look 'clicky', I can promise you, it's just that we all 'know' one another because we've been here for a bit but you'll soon get to know us all, who loves what (CHEEEEEEEESE), but we were all 'new posters' at one time, weren't we? :)

Day 2 nearly done (nail biting) the 'I' quick crossword is done (my secret addiction) with a little help from tinterweb, I can't be bothered to change my sheets (although I would love that 'clean sheet' feeling) I just can't be arsed . I've got the usual Day 2 gitters and that looming feeling of Day 3 (when I really will want that reward of wine)

Anneis as you said ODAAT. It's the 'space filling' that gets me every time.

Beaches hope you're having a good Monday Babe

Nite nite x

What do I do

Why is my head full of nonsense

Joey would it help you to write down what's in your head? Even in random words that are popping into your head? What's going on at work that's worrying you so much? Sending you loads of strength x

Thank you so much! It does feel really silly, after all I'm lucky to have a job...

Pressure. Fear. Meetings. Training. Anxiety.
Statistics. More meetings. Lack of time.
Unable to pick up kids from school. Boredom. Worry. Balance.

It doesn't make much sense! I guess it boils down to work-life balance. I'm happy with the basic job. I don't want to take on extra responsibilities. I haven't got time to go to pointless meetings.

And I feel resentful that I'm expected to take on extra work (to be taken back as time-in-lieu - except I never have time to do that!) at the expense of my own family.

Have you got time off owed in lieu? If you have work out how many hours. Could you ask them at work if you can take that time to leave early and pick up DCs? Or maybe take a couple of Fridays or Mondays off to extend your weekend a bit and get some 'you' time whilst Dcs are at school. Could that work?

Your list of words is good, there must be more, keep going. Then maybe look at the list tomorrow and think how each one could be turned into a positive, keep adding to it, negative or positive, you could have 2 or 3 columns with work, DCs, you etc.

Well the meetings/training is the reason I can't pick up the kids, but I've been told they're old enough to manage now

I should take time off, but then the work doesn't get done!

not for them to decide is there any of your work that you could do at home? and let me guess meetings are always arranged at the end of the day, bastards I wish you a better day tomorrow

Joey just sending you a hug.

Quick check-in on day 8, which has gone pretty well. Feeling less tired too which is good, except that being awake for longer leaves me more time to eat. I am so relieved to read that others of you have experienced this and it is quite common - I was one of those naive souls who thought a few weeks without alcohol would equate to a few pounds off the midriff. No-one told me that sobriety literally forces you to consume industrial quantities of cheese on toast and Revels (not always simultaneously) from dawn til dusk. Hmm. I'll give it another few days (it is very seductive) and then address the issue.

I wondered if anyone had heard from Mouse in the last couple of days? I hope she is doing ok.

Thanks to whoever recommended that 'Q' drink. Its yummy!

Night all babes.

Thanks babes I think I just feel overwhelmed with everything.

What is the Q drink?

And, yes how is mouse I wonder.

scarflady cheese is good. Cheese is lovely. It's not the cheese that's the problem - it's the toast and butter. Just eat the cheese. On its own. Or maybe with a bit of celery, and apple, and a walnut or two. But not the toast. You will find there is actually a limit to how much cheese you can eat.

joey poor you, you sound so overwhelmed with work issues. 2 things - firstly, when you're in 'pointless meetings' (oh God! we've been there) is there something more constructive that you can do - write your supermarket shopping list (clearly scoring off the wine), or plan tomorrow's diary, or just meditate.... >

If you can do this, did you realise that you are actually being paid to relax?? Now you will start to get pissed off when meetings are useful and you have to pay attention rather than load of mindless crap when you can meditate or breathe, or write a letter to your best friend....

Secondly, where does your fear and anxiety come from? (ok, some anxiety from workload and worrying about picking the kids up on time) but the rest of it? Do you have that perpetual fear that somehow you are 'not good enough' or that 'someone will find you out'.... well join the club. The club that includes almost everyone who is self aware in any sense and who is not narcissistic. Actually, if you feel like that it is a good sign that you have a normal functioning psyche.

Some years ago, I confessed (in a drunken haze) to my manager, how I felt like I was inadequate, and an imposter in my job, and that some day, someone would find out that I didn't deserve to be there.. He said: "Well Venus there are many people who are more intelligent than you (and I), who have more experience in this role than you (and I), and who might even work in this job for less money than we are being paid. But fortunately for you (and I), none of them are here at the moment. SO let's just fucking get on with it!"

We were under immense pressure at the time, we did what we could do, and we didn't do what we couldn't do. And no-one batted an eyelid.

alias is there someone like that that you could have a conversation with? It turned my perspective around - from scared, worried anxious, not sleeping, into competent and calm coper.

Hi babes

First of all, Venus, I take issue with you. There is no limit to how much cheese I can consume. If I let myself eat all the cheese I wanted I would resemble a zeppelin.

And secondly, how I envy you your boss. I had a boss like that a couple of years ago but he was made redundant. My new boss is an arse... and the boss above her even worse, and the boss above her is the personification of evil

So Joey I have total sympathy for you with work issues. Yes, you may feel lucky to have a job, but we work to live our lives, with our kids, family, friends, hobbies. Work pays for all that. Some lucky souls get to do their dream job and get paid for it (or in the case of my wankbadger husband, the job their ideals dictate for bugger all money as muggins here pays for everything) but for most of us it should not cause us stress.

And yet I am the worse one to talk. Spanna thanks for your concern and asking about my job. But you will really wish you hadn't . Had a really, really big important day at work today (can't be specific and out myself, but trust me, it was Megamogs big for those of you who have read the book. And if not why not, it is the fabbest kids book after Tiger who came for Tea and the Snail and the Whale).

And it was chaos, and I did well, with my high profile day, and was prepared to come home, take ds to athletics and log on at 10pm to finish off some stuff. Like a sodding unpaid overtime, stressed out, no life muggins, as usual.

Then on the train home I got an email. Another one. Outlining the next stage of our redundo process (they aren't calling it that, calling it some wankspeak about restructuring for efficiency). Expressed in the coldest, most dispassionate terms possible, when they are ratcheting up the day to day pressure on us until we feel ill, yet refusing to spell out which region will lose jobs so we can all keep on side hoping it won't be us (as if it makes any difference).

And I've had FOUR YEARS of this on and off

So got home, wankbadger was busy with 'work colleague' (hmmmm. fellow unpaid 'let's do a free world changing website' fantasist I think he means) in my house, so not having time to eat dinner, I turned round, took ds to athletics, sat there for 2 hours in the rain, got involved in long 'distracted and forgot to pay for petrol' drama on way home (involving me driving back to petrol station to pay for more than my bag of sweets for ds in case the petrol police got me), drove to niece's house to pick up cake for returning paternity leave colleague (cos I'm nice like that ) and then got home to barrage of vicious, bad-tempered shouting and abuse from wankbadger for not phoning to say I would be late.

So right now, having penned long and furious email to inactive union, am having a drink (sod bloody low carb for one night), planning a sneaky cig in garden and feeling so, so desperate and depressed.

I am working long hours in a job I hate which gives me anxiety dreams every night. I pay for bloody everything while wankbadger adheres to his (socialist and admirable but very fucking expensive for me) principles, and get shouted at for the privilege. And now I face redundancy yet again despite all my efforts, missing things with the kids, drinking with stress...

And why????? Bloody why??? Why do I care? I hate work, have no job security, do not have a supportive marriage (to say the least). Why am I upset that I won't have to work myself into the ground to subsidise a pathetic excuse for a man that never thanks me, and I suspect doesn't even like me?

Well, cos I want to support my lovely kids and I know he won't. But it just feels such an uphill struggle. I have no family of my own (my lovely, lovely mum and dad both dead - dad when ds was born, mum 5 years later), no support from wankbadger. It wouldn't feel so bad, the redundancy threat, if I had any sort of support network. But I don't. So tonight I am drinking. And the temptation to just drive off tomorrow and never come back is huge. But of course can't do that because of my kids.

I just get so, so sick of facing a bad situation, getting down, then pulling myself back up to make the best of it. Then getting knocked down again. At work. At home. Am just FED UP.

Wankbadger even resents me doing a Saturday morning exercise class. Here's his attitude, paraphrased from 14 years of shit. "Taking kids out? Fine. Shopping for food? Fine. Working till you want to die? Great. Carry on. You have bills to pay, cos I damn well won't. Coffee with friend or exercise class? (or picking up a cake for colleague?) God, you selfish bloody cow."

I am sorry for the epic post babes. Sometimes, I just can't hold it together AGAIN. Feel like every time I do (bad marriage / no financial support / no family / shit stressful job / redundancy threat / stroppy teen and pre-teen kids. I try to make the best of it and just as I adopt to one blow another lands. It would be easier just not to get up sometimes

Sorry, sorry, sorry. I am a miserable bloody cow (and only on second glass and spelling is fine, so not even maudlin pissed)

Throw me in the sidecar with a blanket and a bucket full of carby croissants after 5 week's abstinence.

I know I will be in work early tomorrow. I am such a compulsive coper. But most of me wants to be on a flight to a desert island.

Any advice? Anyone?

(sorry, sorry, sorry, I'm such a wanker tonight! If you want someone to blame and know a hit man, I have names for you....)

Oh looking. Big enormous hugs xxxx

Thank you Soc xxx (feel hugged) xxxx

Ah, bugger, am crying now cos someone has been kind to me! Thank you though. Nice tears x

alias and looking my heart goes out to you both, the whole concept of work to live not live to work is all very well but women are so good at "coping" that we are totally put upon in the workplace and let's face it in everything we do. I admire you both greatly and one day your kids will thank you and because you go the extra mile for them they will reap the benefits I'm sure. Huge big hugs and stay strong and keep posting, better out than in, we're here to listen and empathise and support you xxx

Thanks baby. Getting ready for work now.and feel like smashing something at the thought. Had sugar binge last night and say crying in bed. Feel pathetic. Husband all over me this morning, bringing coffee, getting my car out for me. Obviously realises he was a total arse last night, though wouldn't admit it. Just feel.... Defeated! (and also that I would like to kill our head of department with a pickaxe.)

looking - very big hug. I'm so sorry. You sound amazing and your kids should be so proud to have you as their mum xx

Here here scarf well said xxx

looking I'm so sorry, my problems pale into insignificance compared to what you are going through

alias I have been using a relaxation app and it's free so have a look at what's available and see if you see any that might suit you also dr bach's rescue remedy is great, I use it before I go out anywhere as a by product of my crohn's is I become very very anxious when leaving the safety of my toilet, the more nervous I get my tummy churns and guess what I need the toilet!!!! Please try it, my friends have used it for flying and driving tests and we all agree it's really good, it's not terribly expensive and lasts for ages, it's got to be worth a try, anxiety is a horrid feeling and all that nervous energy depletes our energy stores to do anything else so you must be knackered. Hugs for looking and alias for being such wonderful matriarchs to your lovely families xxx

Thanks babyj I have some great apps from the Mental Health Foundation (podcasts) although I find they only tend to work while I'm actually listening to them. I've taken some Kalms, which take the edge off my anxiety but they do make me a bit down.

That's a good point about depleteing nervous energy! I picked up a Paul McKenna book on Sleep in a 2nd hand bookshop for 1.50 - and it came with a CD! Been listening to that the last few nights, and it has really worked. What a bargain.

I find Kalms make me a bit down too, dr bach's is more of a soother rather than sedatory, tbh a swim or a walk is the best head clearer of all, easier said than done I know but you need to factor in time for yourselves or the whole deck of cards will collapse. What's the ongoing motto here, be kind to yourselves, god knows nobody else will, this much I've learned, hope today is better xxxx

sorry for the me, me, me posts

I see courageous, articulate and self aware women who forge forward through difficult times. It really is necessary to vent/cry/stamp sometimes and it is so wonderful that this is a safe and supportive place to come. hope and joey . Wish I could be more useful but please know that I am quietly cheering in your corners

Day 4. Hi to all brave babes xx

Hi all - still here - still sober - feeli g great !! Soc you rock Man and Baby - I look so much better - I have been signed off work for the part six weeks though so that might help too -

Love you all xxx