lack of trust and snooping

[spence82]

Hi All

Ive been with my dp a couple of months now and am starting to think she may be snooping through my phone/Emails/Facebook etc

For example mails I'm sure I haven't read are marked as read. My phone been in different places to where I've left if.

I have nothing to hide from her but feel like the lack of trust is going to split us up.

Has anyone had any experience in confronting someone about this?

Yep we have.

I have trust issues due to been cheated on, and other issues, by a previous partner.

Luckily my husband knows my issues are not due to him, it's me and my experiences. He therefore never took it personally and just was very sad that I wasn't secure enough do took it upon himself to make it crystal clear how much he loves me and to be as transparent as possible. It's paid off. 20 years on and we have a great relationship that only falters very occasionally when I'm going through a lack of self confidence. He knows well enough that the only way to solve this is to help me to gain confidence in who I am again.

Many people I'm sure will tell you how bang out of order your partner is to have trust issues. I personally have found my DH's understanding and support to be what's made the difference. Luckily he thinks I'm worth it. I guess if you take it personally rather than seeing it as something she won't like any more than you, then you'll split up.

Was she cheated on previously?

If it's only been a couple of months, why does she have your FB/email passwords? Or are you permanently logged in, on the phone? In that case, password-protect your phone. I've been with dh for over 30 years and am now permanently logged into various sites on my iPad (I don't really do smartphones) but dh doesn't have the passcode.

And I change it every now and then, not because dh and I don't trust each other, but because I have a 4yo dgs who isn't entirely aware of personal boundaries just yet, and has been known to spy over my shoulder. Not because he wants to read my email, but I do have age-appropriate apps for him...

Seriously, if she's spying on you a couple of months in, you need a serious conversation - and to passcode your phone. That's an outrageous invasion of privacy, whatever "issues" she might have from the past.

First time I used DP's iPad I accidentally swiped it onto his messages (had no idea how to use it and panicked!) to see an exchange with a friend about how things were going with his new 'cougar' (me)

I thought it was funny, fessed up about looking in his messages and he said that he has nothing to hide and I am welcome to look at his phone and iPad whenever I like.

He is always open about who he's texting, never hides his screen from me, leaves it lying around unlocked. I feel very secure in our relationship because of his openness and honesty.

I am much more secretive, I post on here about relationship issues and talk about him on Facebook in closed groups. He knows I use these sites to offload and get advice, so he wouldn't be shocked, but I would feel bad if he read the specifics. I can understand the need for a bit of privacy, but in fairness, I don't say anything on here that I wouldn't say to him (I just put a few more expletives on here!) so I have nothing to hide.

Do you actually have anything to hide?

No I have nothing to hide at all.

I did wonder if she has been cheated on in the past but she hasn't said anything about it.

I have logged into Facebook on her laptop before so maybe I left myself logged on but how long would it stay logged in for? Wouldn't it log out if I logged in through a different laptop?

I know I will need to discuss it with her its just not easy

Yes, I imagine a lot of people have experience of this but the confrontation in my opinion should be one that doesn't make her feel as if she's being attacked or persecuted. Do you have anything to hide OP or worried she may take something the wrong way if seen? If not, does her checking bother you a great deal?

If she's been hurt before/cheated on she may feel very vulnerable and worried you may do the same. If this is the case I would suggest calmly sitting down and talking about it in a caring understanding way. Ask her if she has any concerns or worries and for her to be honest with you. Be open and honest with her and reassure her of your genuine intentions.

It may take time and if you care for her you will get past this. Trust is something that builds over time and if she has no reason to distrust you this will undoubtedly ease her concerns and the checking up on you won't be an issue.

If you're really bothered by it and it's a deal breaker then that's all there is to it and you must explain this and end it. Personally I wouldn't care in the slightest, I have everything constantly logged in and everyone knows my passwords, I have them all written down in a book too incase anything should ever happen to me; this includes accounts, passwords, PIN numbers etc.

I guess how you deal with it depends on whether you think this relationship has legs or not and how outraged you are.

If you really like her then mention you've noticed something weird with your emails that suggests someone's looked at them and if she doesn't confess ask her outright and explore why she did it and if she's been cheated on before. Be gentle and reassuring with her though. If she has been cheated on don't think her insecurities will vanish in a month or so once you've proved you're boyfriend of the year. Her insecurities will ebb and flow on this for ages and I think Joysmum's DH deals with it perfectly.

If you're not that fussed about her be totally outraged and dump!

tbh it would be a deal breaker for me - if shes looking at your phone and computer behind your back what else is she doing? going through your pockets, drawers etc sorry i couldnt live with the personal invasion.

i could understand why people who have been cheated on in the past doing something like this but the fact is you didnt cheat and she has have no reason to think you are going to - its her issue to deal with and you dont deal with it by going through other peoples stuff behind their backs

I think it sounds like very dodgy behaviour and I would call her out on it. Doesn't matter what someone has experienced before or how neurotic they may be, it does not give them the right to snoop around assuming the worst. Neither does being a partner, incidentally. Everyone, whether in a relationship or not, is entitled to some privacy.

I can imagine how this makes you feel like you aren't trusted. She either feels you don't involve her in your life enough so wants to keep tabs on your friends and family, or she is very insecure and either questions your commitment or wants to know how you describe her/your time with her to others. .

I would not be happy at this behaviour. But if like Joysmum she was burned by a previous partner I can understand why she does it. If you are put off by snooping could you try reassuring her by saying that looking at your phone or tablet is like someone reading your personal diary. You'd rather she didn't. But if it makes her feel better you have nothing to hide so she can check them out openly in front of you. And to be fair you will expect the same freedom with her communication devices.

The sad thing is anyone who were cheating would almost certainly have a second hidden phone anyway.

Re logging into FB via her laptop, if you ticked "keep me logged in" then yes, she'll have been able to see all your private stuff. The cookies don't crumble, but then she wouldn't be able to see her own FB stuff without logging you out. DH sometimes forgets to log himself out, but if that happens, I do it for him, I don't go snooping.

If she's been cheated on, perhaps she has reason to be nervous. But it wasn't you who cheated, and frankly if you were a woman posting the same about a boyfriend of a few weeks, people would be saying, "Red Flag! Red Flag!"

Not, "Aw, poor bunny, be kind."

Is it definitely her snooping...?

Bitter ex maybe?

What is your relationship in general like?