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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Email 'thing' going on and I feel guilty...............................

83 replies

Feelingguilty · 20/08/2006 08:26

Dh and I been married 9 years. Recently we've not been getting on so well. Always snapping at each other, too tired for sex. You've heard it all before.

Anyway a man I know through work and who goes to the same pub as me has been sending me regular emails at work and to my hotmail address, and we now email at least twice a day. Nothing sexual but quite flirty and basically just cahtting about our day. My dh does not know and he would go crazy if he found out. But it's got to teh point where I am looking forward to reading his emails and he makes me laugh so much. I can't stop thinking about him and I don't know why.

He is nothing compared to my dh to look at so why am I feeling like this? Not quite sure where these emails will end but I know he is attracted to me. He is married with children also.

Don't know why I'm typing this really, just lookimg for your opinion.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 20/08/2006 08:37

Seems like you are craving a particular type of attention. You aren't getting this from your DH, but you are getting it from elsewhere and, something is better than nothing, isnt it?

It is probably very flattering to you, and I can understand you enjoying the adult chat about things that dont mirror the "daily grind" at home.

It is also nice to feel wanted and desired, even if you know you arent going to act on it.

Essentially, there is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, but, I suspect in this case that there is an underlying sexual tension from one (or maybe both?) sides and this will only ever end in tears. I think you should step back from this a little bit. Nothing wrong with exchanging the occasional email in future, but two or three times a day? Not necessary.

Now, your DH......seems to me that apathy has set in between you two. You have time to go to the pub etc, so I would guess that there are times when you aren't too tired...? I think you need to start spending more time with DH, set aside some quality time together (god hate that phrase) and try adn develop the kind of relationship with him that you have forged with this other man. Im am sure there may be things with DH's behaviour that you may not be happy with, but thus far this hasnt been mentioned so I can say nothing about it.

Ultimately, its nice to be desired and to feel like you are wanted for your "mind" as well as your body. I think you need to try and rekindle this in your marriage though, instead of accepting it from elsewhere.

Original poster
Feelingguilty · 20/08/2006 08:42

You've hit tye nail on the head VVV. Apathy has set in. We can't seem to have a conversation about the shopping without biting each others head off.

This other guy thinks I'm funny, we have a great laugh in our emails. My dh would never decsribe me as funny. He thinks I'm a moody cow. Guess it's a light releif.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 20/08/2006 08:50

Maybe you are a moody cow with DH? (Easy to fall into being like that, I'm not criticising...)

In circumstances such as yours it is easy to spiral out of control until your positions become so polarised and the situation is all but unretrievable.

Someone needs to step back, and be the first one to initiate the road to improving this. If you find him snapping at you, dont snap back. If something he does or says irritates you, bite your tongue and change the subject. It wont be long before DH starts to mirror this too, im sure. With regard to finding you funny, im sorry, but saying that to a woman is as good as saying "I want you for your mind, honest. So, please can I get into your knickers?"

Im sure you have lots of lovely qualities, but maybe your DH isnt seeing them right now....its up to you to show him I think.

edam · 20/08/2006 09:36

If you have got to that stage in your marriage, I'm not surprised flirting makes you feel good. But wiser to sort out problems with dh, as people have suggested. Book a babysitter, get dressed up, go out for dinner, and flirt with him!

(I think most married couples go through this phase, btw, esp. when you have children and not much time for each other. Easy to slip into it. But best to get out of it rather than get into flirty emails with a third party.)

VeniVidiVickiQV · 20/08/2006 10:05

"people" edam?

mistressmiggins · 20/08/2006 20:29

totally agree

hard Im sure and this guy is being attentive which is great

please put the effort into your DH b4 its too late.
I wish my ex had put the effort into me or told me he wasnt happy rather than starting an affair

Barbie7 · 20/08/2006 20:43

Lose his email address, or at least, get your service provider to block his emails as spam. If need be explain to him that you feel it's inappropriate to be emailing like this. And throw yourself into making your own marriage a bit more enjoyable. Buy some stuff from Ann Summers that will help you and dh to have a bit of fun in the bedroom again. Try to have such a good marriage that even if George Clooney was on the scene you would turn him down!

Good luck.

WideWebWitch · 20/08/2006 20:45

Agree with everyone, definition of not ok imo is anything one's partner would NOT be happy about. And you know jolly well your partner would not be happy about this, put your energy into him, not this other man. It can only end badly

Panboy · 20/08/2006 21:37

Hi. Have been here, and it all said so far rings true. This is a manifest ofa problem elsewhere, andaccepting/giving flirts is not the solution WHATSOEVER!!
It may make you feel desired and excited, but that v. probably will not last when you look atthe possible consequences if you don't 'manage' the situation - if you are posting here on it, that is a sign you need to 'manage it. Modern communication makes this ease of access rife, but it doesn't mean it is right for you.
Don't block teh email address. Empower yourself much better than that by preparing a 'response' that you will deliver the next time the invitation comes to flirt.

And VVV is sagely careful and correct yet again..

Toothache · 20/08/2006 21:44

Feelinguilty - this happened to me 4 yrs ago... and it didn't just stop at emails. We started meeting for lunch etc etc etc.... you get the picture. Email flirting can be SO real and its very easy (as you now know) to get totally absorbed in it.

Pan1 · 20/08/2006 21:49

Toothache - the bit I balk at is where you say "It happened to me.." - as if it was outside of your control, and you couldn't stop it, and so were not responsible...whereas it is/was an actual choice people make...feelingguilty needs to make the choice to not do it - it NEVER just happens. Hope you don't mind me saying this...

fireflyfairy2 · 20/08/2006 21:51

Am ashamed to say I had contact with a man through another site and we began to email one another, daily, sometimes more than once or twice a day.. this went on for about 8months until I put a stop to it. We had exchanged photographs, and he had asked me for my number to call me, I fell pregnant with ds and suddenly realised that I needed this man out of my life, he wasn't real to me. Our emails were not really flirtatious, he had a girlfriend and I was married, he had a son from a previous relationship who was the same age as my dd and that is how we got friendly on another site, he asked a question, I knew the answer and he PM'd me... And yes, some days now I hear something I think he might find funny, and hear a song he had told me he liked, the thing is, I know I felt nothing for him, we really were just like friends, but I felt guitly.. really guilty, even though DH knew about him, I even forwarded on funny emails to DH'd in-box from him. So totally nothing sexy or sordid... just a friendship that felt wrong
I think that if you feel you may want to take this farther then you maybe should call it a day or at least cool it down a wee bit.

Toothache · 20/08/2006 21:53

lol Pan1 - But it DID happen to me!!! Don't really know how else to say that. >confused<

You can read what you want.... I didn't imply anything. Of course I had a choice!!! I just had very little willpower, or at the time, the incling to stop it.

Yes she has a choice now and its nothing to do with the online guy. I was miserable with my H and this guy made me feel great. I chose NOT to leave H.... but now we have split up horribly and I realise that I should have left him years ago. My email romance was bourne from a miserable relationship.

Maybe hers is too.

Pan1 · 20/08/2006 21:57

Toothache - you CAN indeed chose to put it another way!! Eg.."I chose to continue a flirtatious exchange of emails (texts, whatever..)".. not "it happened to me" as if you were not responsible..do you seethe difference the choice of language makes?.."it happened" - it distances you from your actions....

Toothache · 20/08/2006 21:59

Since I've had 3 vodka and cokes tonight... I'm hardly in a position to join in with a serious analysis of my posting style. lol.
It DID happen to me.... I was a willing participant.

Pan1 · 20/08/2006 22:02

ok. Am 3 vodkas behind you!!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 20/08/2006 22:08

Thought you might have been on the sauce tonight Toothy

ohandme · 20/08/2006 22:13

feelingguilty, I am embroiled in the same thing at the mo, its a nightmare, had ruined my relationship with dp because I feel like I cant go back to how things were. Me and the other guy tried to keep it friendly but we just couldnt (long history). I dont have any advice because I would be a hypocrite just wanted you to know that I know how you feel

Original poster
feelingguilty · 20/08/2006 22:15

I know you guys are right. I knew what you would all say. Don't know why I posted tbh.

I have to see this guy on a regular basis due to a committee we are both on, so we do ahve to have some contact. It's just progressed to more than business IYKWIM. Today we've exchanged a few emails just about what we've done this weekend.

He is so not my type, I am not looking for another man, I would not have an affair. But I am aware what I am doing is not on. If it was dh I would hate it.

OP posts:
Toothache · 20/08/2006 22:15

VVV - Am I that predictable???

feelinganidiot · 20/08/2006 22:16

Feelingguilty - I've been through a similar thing recently (far too recently for my liking). It is all just about to end in tears, as I've ended up getting far too close to my e-mail interest (who is conveniently going on a year's leave soon, so it won't be a problem for much longer). My marriage has been going through a tough patch, so agree with everyone else as to why you get into these dire straits. Nothing more to add, as I'm hardly in a position to comment .

VeniVidiVickiQV · 20/08/2006 22:17

Its the staggering around the other threads that gave you away

feelingguilty - i hope you manage to work things out.

feelinganidiot · 20/08/2006 22:17

Ohandme, glad we're not alone in our stupidity

feelinganidiot · 20/08/2006 22:18

thanks vvv. It's been a pointer as to what needs attention in my marriage, I just need to focus on that I guess.

feelinganidiot · 20/08/2006 22:19

oops - read that wrong. Durrrrr. Can't even blame it on the vodkas.