Email 'thing' going on and I feel guilty...............................

[Feelingguilty]

Dh and I been married 9 years. Recently we've not been getting on so well. Always snapping at each other, too tired for sex. You've heard it all before.

Anyway a man I know through work and who goes to the same pub as me has been sending me regular emails at work and to my hotmail address, and we now email at least twice a day. Nothing sexual but quite flirty and basically just cahtting about our day. My dh does not know and he would go crazy if he found out. But it's got to teh point where I am looking forward to reading his emails and he makes me laugh so much. I can't stop thinking about him and I don't know why.

He is nothing compared to my dh to look at so why am I feeling like this? Not quite sure where these emails will end but I know he is attracted to me. He is married with children also.

Don't know why I'm typing this really, just lookimg for your opinion.

Thanks for reading.

I have a similar thing going on at the moment.

Luckily he has been away recently which has given me some time and space to think about things.

But it isn't easy, is it?

Message withdrawn

I am a bit wary of writing my opinion down - I think a lot of heated conversation has come from this post. It seems the underlying question is whether its 'ok' to have a non-sexual, secret friendship with this guy from work.

I do think, deep down that betrayal is more complex than whether you've got your pants off or not - its an emotional connection with a new person who is not your spouse, and it sounds like you've got that, at least in part - here.

Your emails with this man are building a kind of intimacy, temporary or otherwise, based on no responsibility (i.e. you both have plenty of that at home) and if kept secret and non-sexual, with no seeming repercussions or worries attached.

But if you carry on this 'friendship' - what happens to the friendship that underpins your marriage? How do you find the time to laugh with your husband, to relax and look forward to seeing him, rather than being destracted by the hope of an email in your hotmail account?

It sounds like a tough thing to do, but you could simply stop the emails.

You don't have to completely cut this guy dead, but you can put him at arms length. You don't need to confront it, or to 'break up' - how could you when this is all so unofficial and 'light flirting'? But I think you should move away from it, unless you want out of this marriage and this guy is the man for you (which it doesn't sound like he is, nor is he available to be so...)

I hope this doesn't sound harsh. I'm not judging you, just the situation.

best wishes, however things go...

Feeling guilty,

You are treading a fine line here and ultimately the one who stands to lose the most is you. You could end up with neither man if you carry on like this. Your husband could take this all very badly. How would you feel if he said that he wanted a divorce because of this emotional affair?.

This is emotional infidelity; while the affair is not yet physical it is an emotional one. You are looking forward to his emails and it is also a secret. You are likely discussing things with him that you would not tell your husband. The very fact also that it is secret means there is something very wrong here - you are looking for emotional fulfilment elsewhere; fulfilment which you are not currently getting from your husband.

How would you yourself feel if your husband had an ongoing friendship with a female work colleague that was kept secret from you?. People who think that they can keep up the relationship at home with the spouse and at the same time conduct an emotional affair are frankly kidding themselves.

Work on your own marriage instead and address the problems within it, you both need to talk. You will also have to cut all emotional contact with this other man (there can be no more non work related emails between you both) and put this emotional energy you certainly still have got into your own marriage rather than this other man.

Your marriage could end over this, is it really worth it.

A word of experience from the wounded!

My dh had an affair with a work colleague about 2 and a half yrs ago now. It started in all innocence with chatty emails at work about football!!!! He's was the most unlikely person to have an affair and we were not unhappy- it boiled down to a mid-life crisis type thing for him connected to work issues and the "need to feel needed"...anyway he trird to explain to me how he got to so far down the road before he finally came to his sense.He says it was abit like tiny tiny little steps along the way and each time he'd say to himself "but that's not an affair" first chatting, then swapping mobile numbers and texting, then meetfor coffee, then after work, then in work time etc etc each step in his mind at the time was just 1 little step until eventually he was having a full blown sexual affair and nearly lost everyone dear to him. we are still recovering from this and we've been together 24 years so had a strong relationship to fall back on 9which I think has pulled us through)I cannot begin to describe the pain and tauma of this experience and he out the other side of it is filled with guilt , remorse and pain for what he let himself get into.
Please please think carefully about the situation you are now in. I also feel that even if my dh had not had a physical relationship with this woman he had still got to the point of betraying me and risking our marriage. the moment he becams secretive and strted giving away a part of himself to her that really should only go to his wife then he'd crossed the line.
We are getting though it but the ripples that go out from an affair are so far reaching it will take years if ever to be totally over it.
Ultimately you are responsible for your own decisions and actions in life, there may be things going on that explain BUT not excuse why you are doing what you are doing. I'd urge you to think carefully of the "whys" and try to address them within yourself and your marriage. It is not too late to turn this around ....it may very well be too late soon. I would not wish the pain on my worst enemy- do you wish ot upon yourdh and yourself?

Good posts on here....

I think the danger is doing anything "secretive". My husband tells me when he fancies women in his office, and I totally sympathise, I mean his job is boring and if there's a pretty girl there of course he will notice her. And likewise I bore my husband stupid talking about men I know in real life who I fancy. He's not threatened because he knows I would never do anything about my feelings. And if I really feel attracted to someone I avoid him. I find ways to not have him in my life.

It is much better to be honest... being married doesn't magically make your ability to fancy people go away. It's better to talk about and even laugh about these feelings than to keep them secret where they become much more significant than they need to be.

feelingguilty, the thought police do exist on mumsnet

Hmm, I have mixed feelings about this. I personally think that flirting by email is what the internet was invented for

but I think the problem here is that feelingguilty is feeling guilty, and says that her dh would go mad if he knew. I think a friendship like this can be harmless and fun, but not if a) your dp is not aware of it and b) especially if they would not be happy about it.

I think it is fine to post here and mull it over, FG. I think people come to decisions in this way and hopefully you will decide to take action to sort this out.