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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Online Dating - Met a great guy

31 replies

blahbleh · 03/04/2014 20:57

Hello everyone

I've been online dating for about a year now, met 6 guys that have either been creepy or not my type.

I have finally met a fantastic guy who is everything I want. We are so similar and want the same things in life, that I can't believe my luck.

The thing is, he works away. Monday to Friday.
He texts me everyday all day. We've only met once. I know he's only interested in me as he hasn't been online on the dating site since he's met me. We've also arranged to do certain stuff in the future. I know he really likes me as he's texting me all day, first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Always complimenting me etc etc. He's booking places that I like to go etc in the future.

However, I feel really sad. I want a face to face relationship. Not a texting one. We can't meet every weekend as he has family commitments. But this texting relationship is driving me crazy.

But I don't want to let him go as I finally met someone who I click with, after years of trying. He feels the same.
He'll eventually move back but not for a few months.

I don't know what to do. Just go with the flow or is it not worth it?

OP posts:

littleblackno · 03/04/2014 21:01

I guess if its just for a few months it could be worth hanging in there for but personally I'd want a deadline.
It's hard not to invest too much in that time in case it goes wrong when you do spend more face to face time together but I think you should try not to get too attached. Spend time together when you can and don't be in a rush.

BeforeAndAfter · 03/04/2014 21:03

You've met him once. I assume you had sex hence you're so bonded already. Honestly, you do not know this man. I'm not saying don't see where it goes but get some perspective here. If a friend of yours came to you and said I'd met this great man in a bar... we've been texting non-stop but he works away and I can't see him much. What would your advice be?

backtofrontupsidedown · 03/04/2014 21:07

It's easy to make yourself click wi someone via text, that said, rightly or wrongly hubs and I did a lot of our initial contact via texting, he was on ship (army) I a single mum texting to stay in touch by day, even now we text if we can't openly talk about something as a way to grouch a subject then discuss it after, however.

Don't text at the expense of a real relationship , and don't be moulded or feel they're moulding via text to suit you. Be true to yourself.

Lweji · 03/04/2014 21:07

Family commitments?

I'd want to meet friends and family before letting myself fall for him.

Dirtybadger · 03/04/2014 21:09

Personally I'd say stop. Explain you like him but it's a bit much etc because of the problems seeing one another. Ask him to get back in touch it he wants when he's back in the area properly. You'll know he's keen then and you can both pursue other things to cement whether you're both "all that"

Original poster

blahbleh · 03/04/2014 21:17

We've haven't had sex. He's been really respectful. Hasn't said anything out of line. Hasn't even mentioned sex. He's being the utmost gentleman .

Last guy I was getting to know, wanted to get into my pants. He didn't.

That's why I think I've found a good guy :(.

I can't give him a deadline as he doesn't even know when his current contract finishes. How can I ask him to leave his job, when there isn't a guarantee for me and him?

OP posts:

Sleepinmummy · 03/04/2014 21:24

I met a guy not via online dating and our friendship/relationship grew; based on texts, calls, Skype etc. He didn't live near me. Eight months down the line I've invested so much in to it, for me to have my heartbroken. You get to know someone very well with all this contact, yet as someone posted on my thread the limited time you spend together is all romantic fun, not real.

shakinstevenslovechild · 03/04/2014 21:25

Are you sure his 'family commitments' aren't a wife and children? How much do you actually know about him?

Also he may be the loveliest man in the world over text, he can think, delete and retype his answers to make himself sound wonderful, I would be wary until you have more face to face meetings, that said, I think I would leave it, it sounds like there isn't a definite end date and you don't want to be strung along for months on end, if he is genuine then he can contact you when he has stopped working away.

BeforeAndAfter · 03/04/2014 21:27

You say he'll eventually move back in a few months so I don't see why you have to ask him to leave his job. You've got to admit this is a bit OTT after one meet-up. Bide your time, it looks like you have no choice really just don't go all bunny boiler on him though.

FloraSpreadableMacDonald · 03/04/2014 21:33

I was in a similar situation...almost identical, in January i discovered that all he wantedwas to text. He liked the comfort of it withoutthe commitment of meeting often. I ended it.

Hissy · 03/04/2014 21:49

I don't wanna let him go as i've finally met someone like me, wants the same things etc etc.

But you met this guy ONCE, the rest of it ANYONE can say in email/text etc.

He's too full on, too fast. That is red flag numero uno.

You're lapping this up because he's being the man of your dreams, and any bumps that come up, you'll imagine away because it's a wrinkle in your otherwise perfect perception.

Note I say 'being the man of your dreams' not is the man of your dreams.

Ok, so I don't know him enough to comment, but then love, neither do you!

Slow down, put it on ice till he moves down and see what you feel then.

If it's meant to be, it'll be.

HandragsNGladbags · 03/04/2014 21:55

Agree totally with Hissy

You have no idea about this man at all as you have spent one date with him. He could say anything. And I would be suspicious about a) the family commitments b) the time he has to spend away

probably married

Only1scoop · 03/04/2014 21:55

I'd keep your options open....after all you have only met him once....

I think if he was really that keen he might squeeze you in as well as his family commitments at the weekend.

Lweji · 03/04/2014 22:45

How long have you actually been in contact with him?

And how long ago did you meet him?

AnyFucker · 03/04/2014 22:53

Why is he online dating when he isn't free to pursue a relationship ?

Twinklestein · 03/04/2014 23:14

Woah woah woah OP - way too fast.

You've met once and he's texting you all day? You're 'so similar and want the same things in life' Really? Or is he just mirroring you to hook you in?

You know nothing about this man other than that he isn't available to see you much So busy that he can't see the girl of his dreams...

I would stop with all the texting, if he wants to see you and get to know you genuinely, then he needs to do it face to face.

Anonymai · 03/04/2014 23:55

Married. Thinks he's hooked his bit on the side so hasn't logged on the site. Constant texts because he knows in gullible woman land that means love at first sight. Similar things in life because he's copying what you like to get in with you more easily.

And it's all working.

Original poster

blahbleh · 04/04/2014 01:20

Thanks for the advice guys.

He's not married. We are Facebook friends. He sends me pictures of his whereabouts (just because he's always in posh places). I know where he lives. He lives with his elderly parents on weekends as he hasn't bought a house as yet he lives in hotels Monday to Friday. He's introduced me to his brothers. He has a big family. Sometimes he has to work Saturdays so he only has Sundays free. He's a contractor. I've googled researched him so it sounds all legit.

I know I sound naive etc but I am not. I don't mean he's my dream guy etc etc, I just mean that it's nice to meet someone who has common interest. He's told me his interests before I told him mine so he wasn't saying it for the sake of it.

I've just re-read my first post. I do sound naive. However, it's more of a case of finally someone I click with after such bad luck.

He was texting me tonight and I've realised I've had enough. I've realised that I'm not into this because it's effectively like talking to a font.

I need to talk to him tomorrow I think. I'm just sad that if he lived up here, things would be different.

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 04/04/2014 08:00

You have only met him once but already have met his brother? His parents may be elderly but they manage without him all week. Surely he could see you for a few hours on a weekend evening. I wouldn't give much of myself in texts and facebook type stuff after one date. Seems very over the top.

Hope it works out.

BeforeAndAfter · 04/04/2014 09:21

You met his brothers on your one and only date??? If a date brought his brothers to where I was meeting him it would be a very short date.

You know so little that's concrete about this man except one thing - he doesn't make the effort to see you. Sorry but I don't see how elderly parents and a big family can hamper someone's dating activities. Bottom line - if he wanted to see you he would.

aw11 · 04/04/2014 09:30

BLimey, alot of cynical people on here! OP, the guy obviously likes you and wants to keep you around. Lots of people work long hours and can't do what they want to do all the time. If you desperatly need to see him for a certain amount of time each week but can't because of his job then tell him to go away. Or if you really like him then be patient, his contract will end and you'll get to see him more. He can't be expected to drop everything on his one day off a week because of a woman he's had one date with, he's obviously got a life (which is a good sign no?). If he did there would be loads of people on here saying he's a weird obsessive or something!

Sparklysilversequins · 04/04/2014 09:36

I don't actually see anything massively wrong with this. You get on well you say, you enjoy the texting, you're sure he's not married or otherwise committed, he just happens to be working away for a while where he probably gets quite lonely hence the on line dating.

It's fine if you don't want to hang around but he's not done anything wrong has he? I'm confused at all the negativity to be honest

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 04/04/2014 09:41

It's not really a relationship if you're just texting.

DP works full-time and has 3DC. When we got together he still made time for me. I saw him after work, even if it was just go over to his to stay the night or to have dinner, and when he didn't have his DC, he made time to see me.

If he wanted to see you at weekends, he would see you at weekends. DP works hard and is busy but he still made the effort to see me even if it was just for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon. Nobody is THAT busy all the time.

Twinklestein · 04/04/2014 12:43

I don't quite see how having 'elderly' parents means he can't go out at weekends. Working on a Saturday is one thing, but if his parents were that incapacitated he wouldn't be able to leave them in the week either.

At the very least OP you are seeing a man whose commitment to his work and family takes precedence over you. This should tell you his MO in relationships. That he can't find the time now to invest in a new relationship is a clear indication of his priorities.

CheeseAndPickleSammich · 04/04/2014 13:03

Met brothers on first date? How did this occur?

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