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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH put £5,000 into my ISA, I didn't know we had £5k in savings!

115 replies

Justeat · 03/04/2014 09:32

Title says it all, dh told me last nite, it's locked away for 5 years,
I asked him if we could've used it to reduce mortgage payments.
Dh didn't discuss this with me at all.
Other issues going on as well.
After last nite, I want to hand him separation papers, in an effort to get him to counselling with me to discuss financial and other matters, or we separate.
2 dcs, one baby and one under 8.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justeat · 05/04/2014 23:18

What do I do if/when he contactx me?

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/04/2014 23:25

What do you want to do?

I think it will depend on what he says or asks.

Original poster
Justeat · 05/04/2014 23:27

I want a husband who discusses financial and other matters with me, who treats meas his equal and who is not obsessed with money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justeat · 05/04/2014 23:28

I can contact an emergency social worker, shall I do this tommorrow?

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/04/2014 23:28

I think that's a good answer. :)
You should stick to it.

MoonshineWashingLine · 05/04/2014 23:41

Not read all the thread but just wanted to say that I left a 5 year relationship many moons ago because (amongst other things) he didn't tell me he had 26 grand in an isa and we had been living in a shitty flat with me paying nearly all the bills for years. Top class bell end that one. If i were you i'd take the money and run!

Original poster
Justeat · 05/04/2014 23:48

How do I cope with my upset 6 year old dc?

OP posts:
Logg1e · 06/04/2014 06:41

Do not get emotional. You say daddy's out at the moment. You can explain when you know what's going on.

Lweji · 06/04/2014 23:51

I hope you are ok this evening.

Original poster
Justeat · 06/04/2014 23:56

I think im ok.
Thanks 4 asking - I haven't heard from him at all.
I'll have to tell ds teacher that her daddy walked out with a suitcase.
I'll also have to tell health visitor.
I don't know wot 2 say 2 him if/when he comes thru the door.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 07/04/2014 00:03

Well for a start, keep the door locked so he cant walk through it!

He left. He ended your relationship. He absolutely DOES NOT get to waltz back in like nothing happened, he knocks and if it is convenient, you let him on.

Personally, I would recommend you dont let him in and make an appointment with a solicitor first thing.

Bogeyface · 07/04/2014 00:04

in not on!

Lweji · 07/04/2014 00:10

Yes, you will have to tell people. It will make it more real, and it will be hard, but once it's done, it's done. They have probably been through similar cases before. It won't sound so shocking to them as it is to you.

Have you noticed a difference in the house? Is your DD still upset?

If he comes through the door, you don't have to say anything, really.
But you can ask him questions, about his intentions, for example.
But his abandonment of his family only shows how much of a bastard he is indeed.

I hope all goes well tomorrow and you manage to sort out finances.
I'd be assuming that he won't come back and proceed accordingly. And in the premise that I wouldn't want him back anyway.

He is probably expecting you to chase him. To ring him and beg him to go back, so that the status quo continues. He's probably wondering why you haven't so far.

Original poster
Justeat · 07/04/2014 00:15

Texted him at nite to ask if coming back that nite cos putting chain on.
Called him during day so dc could leave a message asking him to come back. She was crying.
I don't want him back if we r going on as b4.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justeat · 07/04/2014 00:16

I'm not crying.

OP posts:
Lweji · 07/04/2014 00:21

Of course you don't want to. But I think that he's pressing for that.

It's amazing how he didn't react to his child's pleas. (well not amazing, but only a heartless selfish person wouldn't pick up the phone or call back at least). Poor girl.

I'd cut contact now.
And keep putting those chains, and you'd do well to change the locks too.

Lweji · 07/04/2014 00:22

Are you surprised you're not crying?

I didn't when I left exH. I had done all the crying before that and was ready to leave.
A friend reported the same.

Original poster
Justeat · 07/04/2014 00:25

I feel that I've done my crying in the past.
What do u think he's pressing for?
He might have had his phone off all day.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 07/04/2014 00:29

Dont call him again. Men like this get off on making you suffer either directly or through the kids.

Wait for him to contact you, he will, they always do. And he will make it all your fault, even though it isnt.

See a solicitor tomorrow, please.

Original poster
Justeat · 07/04/2014 00:32

I won't contact him again.
Our baby is 5 monthd old, a baby he was desperate for us to conceive, after I had a mmc, with medical management then an ERPC.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 07/04/2014 00:41

Just sorry if I missed this, but is your OH not a British national? I seem to recall he might be, so if you divorce he could be made to leave but he wont be if he has a living child who is british by birth and heritage (ie through you). That could explain why he was so desperate to have a baby, yet walked away without a backwards glance.

I would get a freeze on all bank accounts you know about so he cant transfer money out too. Have you been in touch with the benefits people re tax credits etc?

Lweji · 07/04/2014 00:50

Abusers have been known to insist on their wives having children to keep them at home. With two children you were less likely to return to work, and thus easier to control in many ways, not least of all financially.

I think you were quite astute to notice his financial abuse this early, actually, and respond to it. It is likely that it would translate into other forms of abuse later, if it hasn't already.

Yes, he may have had his phone turned off, but why do you think he'd do that?

You could report him missing to the police, you know? It would be interesting if the police showed up at his family asking if he's alive, as he has had no contact with his wife or children. Despite the child's attempt.

Bogeyface · 07/04/2014 00:52

Lweji I think the OP wants him to have his phone off rather than think he may have seen the calls/texts and ignored them. She is in the early days of realisation :(

Cabrinha · 07/04/2014 01:13

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I think you'll surprise yourself with how much happier you are when you come through it, without him.

Just some advice though... I know you're emotional right now, but please don't let a 6yo plead with him to come back - it'll make it feel her fault when he doesn't, or if he does, that she has a role in it. Don't drag her into it. And definitely don't cart her round multiple relatives so they can see how upset she is. It's really not fair on her. You need to protect her from the uncertainty you're going through, not share it with her. She could be terribly upset going searching for him.

Good luck, and see a solicitor ASAP.

Logg1e · 07/04/2014 06:57

Yes, I was going to say similar. It is not ok to put a child in that position.