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Relationships

Hoarding DH - At the end of my tether (Long)

240 replies

Eatriskier · 01/04/2014 20:25

Before I launch into the bad stuff, I should say that DH is a generally a lovely and very honest man. He doesn't abuse me in any way, he would barely say boo to a goose and he is a wonderful father to our two young DC. But he has a hoarding issue.

Now, I have always known he has had a tendency towards this. Its always been an problem between us. When we bought our first home together he promised he wouldn't fill it with crap especially as its a small home and I was due our first DC. He agreed to an area he could fill and that it was all he had and he wouldn't encroach anywhere else - he promised to scale down and not buy more.

Unsurprisingly he has massively stuffed this, a large part of our living room, the garage, the loft and half our bedroom with crap. Crap is harsh, some of it is useful but for the main its not useful nor necessary. In massive rows he's promised to get rid but he just boxes stuff up, moves it to a storage locker (which is now pretty much full) and then slowly fills it all back up or buys a new piece of furniture/storage to absorb the stuff.

I can't move all the items of storage and junk to clean properly, my house is becoming filthy. I am ashamed of my own home, I won't invite anyone in. I cannot live like this anymore. I've told DH loads that I am at the point where the kids and I are going to have to leave. He still won't do anything.

He promised me that in a couple of weeks, as he has some time off work, he would sort it. We had a discussion where he promised not to buy more storage (he has hoard of empty storage boxes!!!!) and he would actually get rid, not just move. Then today a load of storage arrived. He said it was to move some of the stuff out.

I'm afraid I lost it and told him to take his stuff and GTFO, his young family aren't going to live like this anymore. His response? He's not leaving his house. Not that he didn't want his family apart, not that he didn't want our marriage to end, but that he wouldn't leave his house and things (which he still didn't say when I called him out on it).

So here I am, whilst he is driving off to storage squeezing more crap into it despite promising yet again he wasn't going to do that and knowing he won't fully empty the furniture so I can't get rid of it and he will refill it with crap again, knowing that the crap means more to him than his wife and kids.

What on earth do I do now? I don't really want to leave and take the kids, but I can't have them living like this, learning this or growing up mortified by their parents and home.

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Fairenuff · 04/04/2014 18:51

However as much as I want it dealt with now I've got to be realistic that there's a lot of stuff and only so much time available

Hang on, that's not what you said!

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Fairenuff · 04/04/2014 18:56

He has a week off in a couple of weeks and he's agreed that the cupboards and his stuff will be gone from the living room, and the room rearranged/decorated

This is what you said. 'His stuff' means 'all of his stuff', surely?

And this has now been translated into I've currently got a 30 minute a night agreement out of him, where he will list our large pile of to sell stuff on ebay

30 minutes a day making lists?

He is playing you.

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Eatriskier · 04/04/2014 19:11

Faire please don't be so insulting without at least double checking all my posts. As I've stated he has stuff in the living room, loft, garage, bedroom and storage - plus he has to clear the living room.

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Eatriskier · 04/04/2014 19:12

*plus he has to clear the living room in his week off.

Please twist elsewhere.

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Fairenuff · 04/04/2014 19:23

Where have I been insulting?

What am I twisting?

Sorry, OP, not getting you here. Are you saying that he is going to clear the living room of all of his stuff, get rid of the cupboards in the living room and redecorate it?

That's what I thought you said.

Then you went on to say that you couldn't expect him to do much more than 'make lists'. Is he going to do all the clearing out on his week off, or what?

Maybe I'm confused but your recent posts seem different to your earlier ones. I thought you and he had a firm plan. What is it?

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Eatriskier · 04/04/2014 19:30

I have said he has to clear the living room of his stuff in his week off. The living room. Which I have said is one of a number of areas of his stuff.

I said nothing about 'making lists'. I said he's agreed to spend 30 minutes a night listing a large pile of stuff on ebay. I did not say this was instead of anything.

So please fact check before you start telling people they're changing their story or being played.

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Fairenuff · 04/04/2014 19:36

Well, '30 minutes a night listing' is making a list.

That's what I thought you said and you have confirmed you did. I don't think I'm reading your posts wrong.

I did not say this was instead of anything.

So, what is he doing besides making these lists?

I am checking the facts, OP. That is clear from my posts.

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LoisPuddingLane · 04/04/2014 19:38

Listing on Ebay is not making a list. It is putting things up to be bought.

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Fairenuff · 04/04/2014 19:42

Oh, ok thanks Lois, so is that what is happening OP? Has he actually put things on ebay already?

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cloutiedumpling · 04/04/2014 19:43

Could you help him to list the things on ebay? Just to make sure that it gets done? You might need to help package up the stuff and send it afterwards too, so that it leaves the house.

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GarlicAprilShowers · 04/04/2014 19:58

Fairenuff, Eat's DH had already sold stuff right at the beginning of this thread. Since you apparently aren't au fait with Ebay, how about desisting from nagging OP about it? (It takes me an hour to list one thing! I loathe doing it.)

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cozietoesie · 04/04/2014 20:01

Calm down, Eat - you're among friends here.

By the way - if he isn't already, get him to use a listing program such as Turbolister if he's stuck (which is free.) You can't use the Free Listing Days with those but for your (and his) purposes, such a program would be greatly preferable to the ebay listing form in my view. (It would eg allow him to do it offline at any time and to repeat the content of listings very easily if he was selling similar items.)

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Eatriskier · 04/04/2014 20:05

Its all laid out in this thread if you care to check, but for ease and in no particular order currently he has started listing belongings on ebay, taken some boxes to storage (which I'm not happy with), gotten rid of a lot of stuff, has agreed to tackle the living room in his week off, has started to open up about his problems and says he is considering his GP. So if he's playing me then he can carry on, it gets my house clear.

And no, listing on ebay is not making a list. Considering his database habits (earlier in the thread too) I wouldn't see asking him to make a list as a productive thing at all.

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Eatriskier · 04/04/2014 20:07

Thanks cozie - I know, you're right. I have no clue actually, though he is listing pretty quickly which means he either is using something like that, is doing it for more than 30mins (also fine!) or we've gotten so used to selling on ebay now its second nature!

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cozietoesie · 04/04/2014 20:10

That's good. As long as he's checking that he's not actually duplicating listings - which is a problem if you're inexperienced with a listing program. (Although from the sound of things, you might be lucky if he does because you'll actually have more than one of the items!)

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Fairenuff · 04/04/2014 20:12

I'm not nagging Garlic I am asking what he has actually done. I know that suggesting she does it for him and packs and posts for him is meant to be helpful but he has to show that he is doing something off his own back.

All I have done is ask what has he done since OP posted this

he needs to be showing he's at least doing something 'positive' (I've currently got a 30 minute a night agreement out of him, where he will list our large pile of to sell stuff on ebay)

That was at 6pm today, so I am asking OP if he actually put some things for sale on ebay today. As she says, 'he needs to be showing he's doing something', all I'm asking is 'did he do it?'

Because addicts will agree to do things but don't actually do them.

OP hasn't answered me but that doesn't make me a nag, it makes OP an avoider. Unless, of course, she misunderstood what I was asking, which is entirely possible.

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Fairenuff · 04/04/2014 20:14

Ah x posts. That's good, OP, it sounds like he is getting started on the activity rather than just talking about it.

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Eatriskier · 04/04/2014 20:15

You asked if he'd put things on ebay already. Yes he has, I've already stated it.

As of today, no he hasn't but then he's literally walked through the door and I thought it may be nice to allow him dinner first. Call me a walk over.

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cozietoesie · 04/04/2014 20:16

I don't think you're nagging Fair but, equally, I think you have to recognize the strain that the OP is under and let her have some breathing spaces. She's come a long way on this one and will have to go further yet.

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cozietoesie · 04/04/2014 20:23

I've been musing about something math said about using Pinterest et al. My own experience is that pictures do work - but only where someone has actually owned and held something so that the picture recalls the physical feel/smell of it. I don't think it would work with things that have never been owned because looking at a picture of those only stimulates a desire to acquire something - in order to feel it etc.

Useful then - perhaps - in getting rid of things but not in dealing with root problems or future acquisition patterns?

I don't know for sure. That's a pretty unformed thought above and I'll need to ruminate further.

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GarlicAprilShowers · 04/04/2014 20:26

That was at 6pm today ... - and you were asking what he's achieved by 7:30 Shock

Think I'd better log off Mumsnet for a while, this isn't doing my stress levels any good god knows how OP's feeling!

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mathanxiety · 04/04/2014 20:33

I think you are right Cozie. The importance attached to objects themselves can't be discounted. So someone most likely wouldn't be satisfied with a 1000 item 'collection' of Aegean holiday spots or dramatic sunsets or objects related to tea -- scenery isn't tangible, and a hoarder who hasn't dealt with his fundamental issues might start seeing old cups and saucers every time he went out.

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nuzzlepad · 04/04/2014 20:39

I'm just glad there is some progress OP. I have hoarding tendency in me and it took lots of nipping from my parents when I was growing up. I actually enjoy cleaning stuffs up - but I have to mind trick myself into thinking they are not 'my stuffs' if it's mine.

Keep his new habit ingrained and don't be afraid to march in and throw things away. The key in my case is not letting myself bring stuffs in the first place, or getting rid of them in few hours once they are in -definitely before sleep. Once they stay the night they strangely become my stuffs.

I don't know if it's just me, but hoarding issues can also be expressed through hoarding digital files. Don't let him download movies or stuffs, if he doesn't already. Good luck.

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mathanxiety · 04/04/2014 20:40

And I think someone who has a massive 'collection' of books or CDs isn't necessarily interested in reading them or listening to all that music, so a kindle or ipod might be missing the point, unless the hoarder could address the real potential of the items (accept their true nature) and not be fixated on the function the items perform for him.

The category of things that is collected is immaterial. Some hoarders are omnivores (so to speak) and some are very particular -- neither one is inferior or superior to the other, rarefied or common. The hoarder hoards to feed an emotional need so it's really all the same what is hoarded.

Just musing here, sorry to talk to myself Smile

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Eatriskier · 04/04/2014 20:58

nuzzle I think DH has some similar traits to you. It was very weird, he accepted but didn't seem to keen on the idea of me blitzing that bathroom and kitchen but then when he walked in he sort of breathed a massive sigh of relief and is so much happier already in those rooms. Though that could be that even he's felt oppressed in them and having someone else deal with it helped (and probably because it wasn't just his stuff or important stuff at least, I threw some of my unnecessary stuff out for good measure).

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