I think my relationship is falling apart

[Preoccupied]

I suspect that my partner is going to leave me soon and it is tearing me apart. I am completely anxious and preoccupied about it and it is impacting everything at the moment. I am not sleeping, I am anxious and tearful and I know I am driving my partner mad by seeking reassurance that he still loves me but I can't seem to help it.

We have been together for three years and lived together for two years, and we are both quite strong characters, which at times means that we disagree about things. I like to talk things through, but he prefers to think things through on his own and reach his own decision. We have had some lovely times though and there is no doubt that we love each other deeply and have an incredibly strong attachment to each other. I know that our relationship can be complex, but we have always managed to get through any difficult patches in the past.

I have been getting very hormonal (menopause) and this has been causing me to get very emotional and anxious, and at times I have flared up about things in quite an unpleasant manner. I am usually a very calm and kind person and I am finding these mood swings very distressing. I have made an appointment to discuss HRT with my GP after much soul searching. But I am scared that it is too late to save my relationship as my partner has withdrawn from me emotionally and physically after an argument last week.

I am feeling quite desperate as the thought of being without him is unbearable. I know that I can't make him stay with me but my life will be so empty without him.

Thank you Jupiter I am more aware now of his manipulative behaviour and am steeling myself against it.

I came across this post many years later, is the OP OK? You sounded like such a lovely woman and your story really effected me.

You know what, don't feel so powerless- I know you do, you are waiting for the axe to fall.
I get the impression that he is using your fears against you, so that you will cling to him, because really, he's not, and has never, intended on going anywhere. He's got it cushy and he knows it.
This is a middle term, not long relationship, yet it sounds like many times in only 3 years he has made noises about leaving - not gone yet though. He's crying wolf, I doubt he will end things, just that if he gets a vibe of fear off you, it makes him feel secure - he's feeding off your fears.
So, you love being in a relationship, the whole having someone there. That leaves you vulnerable to put up with anyone and any behaviour.
He's going cold on you as punishment for daring to disagree with him. Match his energy, ignore him ( he will be expecting you to suck up). I suspect that if you back off and do your own thing, see your friends without him and disengage as he has, he might be the one worrying. Sure, more claims of leaving may occur, but if you can treat that like water off a ducks back, he will maybe change to the one sulking up - which will be nice for a while.
You hold the cards really, but you don't realise it because he keeps pretending to leave - how tiresome, I'd call his bluff and let him go if he wants to - which he doesn't.

Sucking up

I got a notification that @Redpanda7 had posted on this old thread of mine, asking how I was. I am glad to be able to report that I did eventually kick the cocklodger out, although it didn't happen immediately. I did move down to the south coast, and he came with me, but the dynamic of the relationship shifted. It took a bit of time but I started to set strict boundaries and made it clear that I was not bankrolling him. He tried all sorts of manipulation and made threats of suicide but I stood my ground. I caught him out in a whole web of lies that he had told me about his past. Every time I asked him to leave he came up with fresh stories or promises. He did finally move out and my life improved enormously. I did a lot of soul searching and got some professional help for my issues of abandonment and feelings of being unlovable and worthless (something that came from my early years). I also took some time out of relationships. I had to acknowledge my part in things - that I had allowed him to behave that way, and understand why I had done that. It was painful at times, but it really helped me heal from the hurt.

I am now in a relationship with a lovely man who is nothing like my ex. He is respectful and kind and so straightforward - no emotional blackmail or abusive behaviour. I am very happy and so glad that I had the courage to end the abusive relationship that I was in. Thank you to everyone who posted on my thread, you all helped me. ❤

Stop!

I skimmed through what you wrote and it sounds like the classic anxious/preoccupied attachment with an avoidant attachment relationship.
The relationship is triggering you from unhealed past trauma. You are triggering each other unintentionally and as a red your self esteem and confidence is low to the point that you are feeling insecure and behaving irrationally.
calm yourself down, meditate, journal your thoughts and feelings. You know what you need to do and don’t let fear get in the way.

just seen that it’s an old thread and I am glad that it worked out for you

So happy to hear this, wonderful you are on a happier path and have met a lovely partner. I searched anxious attachment (something I struggle with) and it lead me to your post. It encouraging to hear it's not a life sentence and things can get better 🙂