I think my relationship is falling apart

[Preoccupied]

I suspect that my partner is going to leave me soon and it is tearing me apart. I am completely anxious and preoccupied about it and it is impacting everything at the moment. I am not sleeping, I am anxious and tearful and I know I am driving my partner mad by seeking reassurance that he still loves me but I can't seem to help it.

We have been together for three years and lived together for two years, and we are both quite strong characters, which at times means that we disagree about things. I like to talk things through, but he prefers to think things through on his own and reach his own decision. We have had some lovely times though and there is no doubt that we love each other deeply and have an incredibly strong attachment to each other. I know that our relationship can be complex, but we have always managed to get through any difficult patches in the past.

I have been getting very hormonal (menopause) and this has been causing me to get very emotional and anxious, and at times I have flared up about things in quite an unpleasant manner. I am usually a very calm and kind person and I am finding these mood swings very distressing. I have made an appointment to discuss HRT with my GP after much soul searching. But I am scared that it is too late to save my relationship as my partner has withdrawn from me emotionally and physically after an argument last week.

I am feeling quite desperate as the thought of being without him is unbearable. I know that I can't make him stay with me but my life will be so empty without him.

Hi Cogito no we did not meet through my job, which is not in the medical field at all. We met quite naturally through a special interest group - not internet dating or anything like that. It was actually quite sweet as we really fell for each other after both being single for years and it felt very good. Sadly things seem to be going downhill now and it may be time to call it a day. In the short term am definitely going to change my behaviour and steel myself a little, to make sure that I don't get sucked into his rather manipulative behaviour regarding abandonment. if that doesn't help then I think it may be curtains, although I find the idea very distressing.

Atrocious I was actually thinking of showing them this thread, but actually I think it would upset them too much. My eldest daughter moved in with us temporarily shortly after my partner moved in, and there was a real territorial battle between them. I got pretty cross about it all, as he is a grown man and didn't seem to understand how difficult it was for my daughter to see a virtual stranger (to her) living in the house she grew up in. And she was going through a tough time as she had been living abroad and had split up with her boyfriend, so had to return home. It took a long time after that for her to accept him, but she does now like him. I know that she would go ballistic if she saw this as she basically doesn't think anyone is good enough for me, so this would send her into orbit.

It's only my opinion but I think your fear of abandonment will diminish when you are not with this person any more. He may not have created the fear in you but he's definitely ratcheted it up.

I'm sorry you're so distressed at the thought of going solo. I can see that you are anxious to make it work and be an 'us' rather than 'I' again. I've been single for a long time and, even though I have a great life and enjoy independence, it gets lonely occasionally. You've been single, you prefer being a couple. It get it. I really do.

However, your love and affection is a rare and precious thing. Don't waste it on someone that doesn't reciprocate. All the time he is monopolisng your attention, you may be missing opportunities to meet people who are less hard work, less damaged and far more worthy.

He sounds awful. A big fat shameless cuckoo in your lovely nest.

And there is no way he is even thinking about leaving, he's enjoying the free ride too much. He's just pushing your buttons so he doesn't have to make the slightest effort while you beg frantically to be allowed to continue dancing to his tune.

Cogito you have hit the nail on the head when you say that I have like being an 'us'. I had been single for so long (discounting a few short-term relationships from dating sites) and I had given up on meeting anyone, so it was lovely when I met my partner. It is so good having someone to live with, who I can talk to about problems at work, problems with the girls, and tell my news about the good things too. It is great that he often cooks a meal for me, and that the house is spotless as he keeps it so clean. It is great that he hugs me in bed and tells me that he loves me. And it is great having a lie-in at the weekends and watching movies on the iPad and snuggling up on the settee at night and watching TV together.

We were planning to go away for a much-needed break next week as I have been working so hard, and I was really looking forward to spending some quality time together in a nice country hotel. And I actually get on really well with his mum, who I will miss terribly if we split up. I lost my own mum 6 years ago, and I still miss her. We were also going to visit his sister and her family who live overseas, as they stayed with us last year when they were back home and we got on really well. It really is a lifestyle thing as well as the love that I feel for him, and if we split up I know that I will grieve for all this.

I really understand that you want to feel cherished - but this particular man isn't cherishing you.

As you yourself have realised OP, a victim of misfortune who uses an event in his or her past to lessen responsibility by getting you to forgive current inconsiderate even selfish behaviour is being very manipulative. I'm glad that for now he seems to have dropped that tactic.

I know that saying this is as useful as a chocolate teapot but this man is not the only person out there with whom you could feel a connection. You have so much to offer but equally you deserve a lot more than you're getting.

Donkeys thank you for your comments and I know in my heart that you are right - there are other men out there who will be much better for me and LineRunner yes it is so long since I have felt cherished that I have been giving up too much of myself in return for too little.

It is frightening to think that I may (and probably will) have to go it alone again as I was so looking forward to a shared future with my partner. We have been intending to move to the coast (near where he is originally from) and the whole lifestyle down there is so appealing, and I have always loved that area, even before I met him. In fact I was planning to move down there about 30 years ago, but that is a whole other story!

I still do want to live there, but the thought of moving there on my own, and possibly bumping into him as I know he will move back if we split up, is so distressing right now. If we do split up I will take some time before rushing into a move on my own, even though we have been planning it for over a year and I even know the roads I would be house hunting in. Oh bloody hell this is difficult.

I wasn't at all surprised when I read that your partner doesn't work. And what an attitude he has towards contributing towards the house! With £45k in savings, he's taking the mick. He is such a type (the voice of experience here.)

You do need to tell him to leave. I bet he won't like that one bit. But I fear you don't feel strong enough to be on your own.

I don't feel very strong at the moment, despite having lived on my own for over 20 years before he moved in (I dated during this time and had a couple of LTRs, but always lived alone as my kids were around).

I do believe that I have the strength to stand up to his manipulative behaviour, and that in itself may trigger a breakup when he realises that he can't press my buttons anymore.

Funnily enough he is full of stories about how his last relationship was with an abusive woman who undermined his self confidence and drove him to a near breakdown. And his ex-wife had affairs. Lots of sob stories come to think of it.

I bet a chat over a cup of coffee with his abusive ex would be illuminating. Wonder what he'll be saying about you if/when you give him the heave-ho?

You were strong before. You can do it again.

His next unfortunate gf, should there be one, will hear all about what a nightmare you were

These types of men are very resourceful when they have to be. They seem to say they are having a breakdown, might threaten suicide etc...but are very adept at getting back on their feet and finding a new victim girlfriend

Quick question. He has always said that if he was going to leave, he would move in with his mum, who has lots of space, until he found somewhere more permanent. If I was going to ask him to leave, would it be reasonable to ask him to move out the next day with a suitcase/rucksack and go and stay with his Mum, and I would send his his other stuff (using a Man and a Van) on afterwards (if he paid me of course!)

The reason I ask is that I know that I would be weak and cave in, and start begging him to stay if he did not move out immediately. Maybe this is selfish, but I kind of think that he has no real right to stay in my house as he has not been contributing, and if we do decide to split up he would be best off out of the situation anyway?

I am just trying to think things through, and I know how I would be if he was under my roof in the spare room whilst he planned his next move.

Yes it's a good idea. My ex went to stay with a friend for a few days tk start with. I told him I needed space and time to think (I did) and then I didn't let him back in. It works well. You can't think clearly or plan with him in your house. He will be fine at his mum's place.

And remember if he's got £45k he's not exactly destitute. He can get a place to stay no problem.

Thank you Lovingfreedom I would need to get his keys off him when he goes to stay with his mum though as otherwise he could come and go whilst I am at work and I wouldn't want that. I guess I would want some control so that the bulk of his stuff (that he isn't using anyway) would be collected by a neutral person when it suits me, rather than me always wondering whether it will be gone when I get home from work.

He certainly isn't destitute and quite a chunk of that £45K has been built up whilst he has been living with me .

I'm glad your sounding stronger Op.

I do feel a bit stronger actually. I was beginning to think that I was going mad and that everything was my fault, but I can see now that although I am not perfect, neither is he! He is quite good at making me feel that everything is my fault. He is even good at making me feel as though I am always criticising him and blaming him for everything when I do try and stand up for myself.

It sounds ghastly Op. Keep posting here , because I think he's going to be really reluctant to leave. He's a lot to lose.

My friend's ex-boyfriend was always threatening to leave whenever they disagreed. It was his way or else.

I told her to call his bluff the next time he did it. I didn't think she would, but she did - he was back the next day after having to pay for a b and b.

They split up not too long after that but he never did the 'I'm leaving' speech again. She finally kicked him out after being scared for years that he'd leave her.

I have to say though - the new bf is just as bad in other ways.

Having read most of the thread, my contribution is that with 45,000 pounds in savings he should be paying his way, and the money you will save through that would pay for your psychotherapist who obviously is in a position to help you.
As for menopausal problems, I would not take HRT, why don't you try acupuncture or (shock, horror, shock) homeopathy, which helped me a lot.

OP, I've just read your thread and, frankly, I'm horrified.

I think if you read this back and wrote down the pertinant points as a list of pros and cons, your pros would be:

Does the gardening
I'm not single
Potential to live at the coast

Where as your cons...

I'm anxious
I'm suicidal
He has 45k in savings but doesn't contribute at all financially
Doesn't work
He manipulates me
He controls me
He plays on the fears I know he has
I have supported him, he hasn't supported me
I wouldn't want my children to be in this relationship

and those are just the ones I've remembered off the top of my head.

I know that for some people the drive to not be single can be so strong that it seems like the only pro that matters, but he wounds worse wtih each post you made about him. He should be making a financial contribution. A decent person wouldn't feel right having that much money in savings and not making any contribution.

If he feels comfortable doing that; if he feels that he can leave his job to write a novel; if 3 years is long enough for him to be fully financially supported and housed by you but not long enough for him to offer you emotional support; if you are anxious and suicidal... It really must be time to go.

I have had treatment for anxiety since I was about 18. There have been periods where it's so bad that I couldn't leave the house. I am professionally qualified to PG level. I work full time. Admittedly, I'm massively overqualified for the job I now do. It means I'm good at it, but I really couldn't manage to do the profession I qualified for, my anxiety is too bad. But I wouldn't just give up and expect someone else to support me. Especially if I gave little to nothing in return.

He might have made your garden look nice, but it sounds as though this is a passion of his and a hobby as much as anything. Besides, most people manage to keep their garden in order and contribute financially/go to work!

I really wouldn't panic about him leaving. I agree he will be quite hard to shift.
you have been given some wonderful insights and a lot have come from you too.
good luck.